You are here

Ugh....sigh...more of the same

Happycamper's picture

We had some time without the skids this past week and life was good. DH and I got along so well. Skids come this weekend and he's just a totally different man when they are here. He turns into daddy watchdog, Disney dad, kids do no wrong dad, protect skids from stepmom dad. He insisted on taking the skids all 3 days to do something which resulted in an extra $200 spent on them this weekend. That's all fine and dandy but he better not ever complain about spending money to buy my kids dinner when they come and visit. Yes, I had the finance talk about a week ago. Guess where this gets me...instead of splitting them, he wants to talk about selling the house and moving into an apartment to "save" money. In other words to have more money in his pocket to spend on skids or give to BM. We gave SD17 a car last year which meant we had to buy DH a car. We gave her his that was paid off. Now every time something goes wrong with it, BM expects us to pay to fix it. I'm over it. That was never an agreement. We have to split everything else 50%. Why shouldn't she help pay for car repairs? So here are some of the things that really annoyed me this weekend. We take skids out to eat at a nice restaurant. SD14 has eaten spaghetti and meatballs there before. This time she got spaghetti and meat sauce. Of course she didn't like the meat in the meat sauce. I told her that it was basically the same meat in a meatball, just not rolled up. DH has to jump in to "protect" SD because no one can say anything to them. He says, well she has a right to her own opinion. Really? I was just trying to get her to eat the meal we got her. Of course I clam up and don't say much more during dinner because no matter what I say isn't right. He makes a smart remark about me not joining in on their conversations. Most of them were about their old lives anyway. Later that night she came into the room in what looked like underwear. It was apparently shorts that she pulled up her butt. I asked her if they were shorts (because DH is always pointing out what kids are wearing and saying he would never let his kids wear short things like that.) He blurts out that he's seen my dd wearing things like that before. First of all, that's a lie and second of all, does that make it ok? My dd also drinks because she's older, so can his daughter drink? He always puts things back to my kids. This went on all weekend. He told me last night that he was taking the skids rock climbing today. He then said if you want to go you can come. The way he said it was pretty much like he didn't want me there. I've also been battling a herniated disc for the past month and I certainly can't climb! I mentioned that and he said that's what SD wants to do. In other words, let's not pick an activity we can all do. Well I slept on it and decided I was taking myself shopping today..in peace! I mentioned it to DH and awhile later all of a sudden he got mad at me. He said he would be really mad if I didn't go because it would make the skids think I don't want to do anything with them. UGH! I just feel like I have no where to turn. He doesn't see that what he is doing is wrong. Everything is an ordeal with them. It's so darn uncomfortable for me when they are here. If they go upstairs to their room, DH goes up there and hangs out with them. He picks and chooses when HE wants me to be a part of things. I don't get the choice. I can hardly take how over the top he is about everything with them. I make dinner and don't even get a thank you, but SD17 turns out the kitchen light and he thanks her 100 times for doing it. He praises them constantly but does not parent. They leave their clothes and trash all over the place and I can't even ask them to pick up after themselves. This is just the tip of the iceberg. UGH, sigh...

Comments

notsobad's picture

Disengage, disengage, disengage!

Separate your finances. Put $$$ into a joint account for household expenses like rent, utilities, insurance, etc.
You pay to take your kids out, he pays to take his kids out.

He can do whatever he wants with his kids, rock climbing, mountain climbing, who cares you'll be busy with other activities or dates with friends.

If they don't pick up their stuff ask him to do it, never them. If he doesn't, Leave it there and walk over it, or on it, let it pile up.

Oh, and stop making dinner!

Amcc13's picture

I wouldn't ask him about separating finances I would simply do it
New account open and then at the start of next month say - I have added to the joint account my share of the bills- your share is this. Please make sure it is in the account so the bills are paid. Or I have added money to pay water bill and electric bill but the gas bill and grocery bill are all yours Hun
Then go about your business
And where will you put the skids if you move into an apartment

No more contributions to dinner above your own plate when the skids are around and no more making dinner beyond yourself
Also you need to start calling him out on lies - simply say ' that's not true. You must be confused ' and make a sad face at him

Your only going to know what you truly mean to this man once finances are split and you stick to it
I promise you that
This is the man who doesn't care that he left you to face a funeral alone cause he still has your money coming in

Stop talking and start doing cause there will always be another excuse and manipulation

lieutenant_dad's picture

This!

OP, you do YOU. To Hades with what he thinks or wants when his kids are around that involve you. If you get no say, then yo don't go - or pay!

Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. Call him on his BS. Disengage from his kids. If he doesn't like it, then he can work with you to make it better, or leave.

Blue Moon's picture

You don't need your DH's agreement to separate finances.

I think, at the point you're at, it would bring you some peace of mind to disengage financially and emotionally.

Good luck!

Happycamper's picture

I have pretty much disengaged. I don't clean up after skids. For the most part DH does all of that. I don't actively try to put myself out there anymore because it does absolutely no good. So when DH is out of the room and skids clam up and won't talk, I make no effort to talk to them either. It feels weird but I'm over it all. I feel like nothing when they are around. Even this weekend, I was sitting on the couch with a pillow behind me because I'm hurt. DH reaches behind me and takes the pillow to give to SD17 because she wants to lay on the couch and take a nap! Instead of making her go get one off of her own bed he pulls the one from behind me. I just get speeacess at times like these. It's utterly ridiculous. When I say something about stuff DH turns it all back on me like I'm wrong.

Blue Moon's picture

OMG! :jawdrop:

princessmofo's picture

If DH had reached behind me to remove a pillow, a pillow I had in place due to pain, and proceeded to give it to Skid I'm quite sure I would have reacted violently. By that I mean punching him in his fat, ignorant head. I could not have restrained myself. OP, I am really failing to see what you are getting out of this relationship, other than heartache and disrespect.

Happycamper's picture

It's just so weird. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Split personalities. He treats me good and is all about me...when the skids aren't here! Yes we have our arguments about kid stuff and that's the main thing we argue about. It's just he turns into a totally different man when his kids are around or you are even discussing his kids. I've honestly never seen anything like it.

princessmofo's picture

And there in lies your answer. He's emotionally available to you ONLY when the skids aren't around. So you are treated as a "warm body". An after thought, if you will. He's made it abundantly clear that you are not his priority and never will be. I could not live that way, OP.