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Living with the past

strugglingSM's picture

I've read several posts on this page about how as SMs we often have to hear from the kids about how wonderful BMs are or how we're always compared to BM.

I'll take that to an even higher level...I feel like because DH has children, I'm always living with his past. I'm not saying that his children are his past and that I'm annoyed that I have to live with that. I'm referring to the fact that because DH has children, I'm always hearing stories about what his life was like when he was with BM. From his children, from him, and from his family.

There's also sometimes some bleed over from SSs and him from their old family into our family. One example of that is that they all tell this supposedly funny story about from when BM was a child. I don't even get it and what I know of it doesn't seem funny, but it somehow became a family joke with them and they all repeat it regularly. DH even referenced it once when his kids weren't around and I said to him, "I don't even know what that story is about, but I know it's about BM, so I neither think it's funny nor do I want to hear it." Another time, he recalled a funny incident with BM, then later, he tried to get me to do the same thing, thinking it would be funny if it happened to me, too. He's also sometimes referred to himself or wanted me to refer to him by the nickname BM had for him when he was married. It's not a lovey nickname, more of a humorous one, but still. I've banned him from using it in our house. Several members of DH's family have also taken it upon themselves to tell me about how things were when DH and BM were married, not like dynamics of their relationship, but how their life was, as if I'm supposed to want to do those things, too.

I don't talk about my old boyfriends. I don't tell DH "funny stories" about things they used to do or try to recreate things that happened with them. Do I really have to allow DH to let his former life live on like the ghost of Christmas past just because he has children? I've pointed out to him that he has a new life now and he needs to leave a lot of his old life behind. I have friends who divorced with no children and for most of them, it's as if their first spouse never existed. What is it about having kids that makes people want to hold on to the past so much?

That's another one of my challenges as a SM, I think. I feel like I'm always expected to honor DH's past, like it was some sacred journey he was on.

Comments

pixielady's picture

I feel you. Not only do I get to hear, "At my mom's house..." "If my mom and I..." "My mom and I...." and on and on, but my in-laws tend to mention her in conversation as if she's just another relative, like a cousin or aunt. They don't HAVE to mention her when they do. It's clueless, and you're right, it does make you feel like a stand-in, even if you have children with DH, the way I do. That first family is seen as more valid, even though you and DH are a much better match.

strugglingSM's picture

Since first families are prioritized so much, you'd think that there'd be more emphasis on making sure you were choosing right the first time.

DH is much happier with me. You'd think his family would at least acknowledge that (and also acknowledge how terrible BM was to him), but it's almost as if they need to make sure I know that the kids come first and the way they do that is by reminding me how BM was there before me.

pixielady's picture

And that we should accept BM's intrusiveness because of the skids. And that whatever inappropriate thing she does is ok because of the skids. And SM should just shut up and smile because they are kids and the center of the universe, especially CODs.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't mind chatting about the past, even good memories. What I DO care about is when DH reacts as if I'm BM.

Example: DH had to go out of town for work, so I was driving him to the airport. I was confirming with him when his flights left/arrived, airline, hotel, etc. I asked him what his flight number was.

DH: Why do you need to know? You aren't REQUIRED to know.

Me (half-joking): Of course I'm REQUIRED to know! I'm your wife!

DH (not joking, clearly a bit upset): No, you're not. Just because you're my wife doesn't mean you need to know everything about my work trip. You just need to know where I'm going and when I'll be home. If you want to know, I'll tell you. But you don't need to know.

Me (silent for a moment, clearly no longer joking): DH, I was joking about the "required" part. But here's the deal: I should know this information because I'm the one at home. If something happens with the SSs or your parents, I need to be able to get in touch with you. I need to know where you are. I'm holding down the fort, and it would be BAD for your WIFE to not know.

DH went silent for a moment and thought over what I said. I also mentioned how he wants to know these details when I go out of town for work, but he doesn't have to ask because I just tell him. He finally told me that he reacted the way he did because BM used to demand to know details when he was in the military and terrorized him when he couldn't tell her. She would explode and be upset.

I had to remind him that I'm not BM. I'm not going to track him down, call his room, give him the third degree if he doesn't answer, give him Hades for being late or transferring planes, etc. I want to know for emergencies and peace of mind. That's ALL.

DH apologized, but I'm clearly still a bit bitter. It happens very rarely that he (or I, since my XH was almost as bad as BM) compares is, but it annoys me nonetheless. It hurts because I don't want to be compared to her unless you're telling me I'm better than her.

strugglingSM's picture

Ah yes, I tell DH all the time that he has to unlearn a lot of the bad habits he picked up in his first marriage. My least favorite is that he approaches every decision we have to make as a battle which one of us will win, not a situation where we both give a little to arrive at a compromise that we both can accept. BM still approaches things with him this way, that she's just going to enforce her will on him. Drives me nuts when he acts like that.

They also both had a habit of keeping secrets from one another. Before we were even engaged, I didn't want to talk about something with him, not something that was about our relationship. He proclaimed, "keeping secrets is a red flag for me." I remind him of that when he starts being secretive about things, like what he spent his money on or where he's going.

lintini's picture

If I have to hear my MIL talk about SS16 saying brocolli at 8 months old one more time I'm going to force feed her brocolli on her death bed!

Cooooookies's picture

DH used to do that when I first moved in with him. So when he was done telling me some magical story about what him and BM2 and his kids used to do, I'd fire back with some great (sometimes fabricated) story about how awesome my exDH was.

He'd look at me weird and I said why do I want to hear about you and another woman? Do you want to hear about me and how much fun I had with another guy? It finally sunk in and he doesn't do it anymore. It also helps that BM2 is showing her true, ugly colours so he's not star struck or brain washed anymore.

ldvilen's picture

Someone above said, "That first family is seen as more valid, even though you and DH are a much better match."

I also think for most SPs it isn't that they mind or feel offended by these memories as much as it is that these are not memories for them but memories for everyone else. It is like you are sitting around the table hearing a bunch of people exchanging war stories about a war that you were never a part of. If you can't chime in, it feels exclusionary.

I find an incredible amount of non-SPs just assume dad and SM's marriage is going to be set by or revolve around dad's children, even once these children are adults. Yet, at the same time, SM is supposed to stay out of things and mind her place at the bottom of the family priority list. They don't look at DH and SM as a much better match. They don't even really see them as husband and wife, even though they may have been married for years, and even though they may since had "ours" kids. Regardless, everything is expected to revolve around the initial family. I find this especially asinine, since if you think about it for 5 minutes, why would any woman sign up to be what amounts to little more than a concubine and servant? Incredibly sexist.

It should go without saying that dad and his wife (SM) get married to be married and to be treated like any other married couple and create their own life together. Of course dad and SM want to include and be involved with dad's children, but certainly not exclusive of everything else in their relationship.

PS. Prefer the term "initial family" to "first family."

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I get feeing stuck in the past... SD8 tried to convince me we should move back to where they used to live this morning and went on a tangent (thankfully not mentioning BM) about how amazing it was. So I get it. Sometimes it just simply feels like you're in a family and missed like half your life somehow. lol.

As for DH bringing up BM. My DH knows better, that's not respectful by any means... I also have a few confidence issues (emotional abuse as a kid, worked through it with a therapist, but I still worry over some silly things or feel like I'm an inconvenience to people. Lol) Beung a second wife already comes with a set of insecurities, I mean your husband was married to someone else. You need to talk to DH and let him know EXACTLY how it makes you fee, tbh he should probably be telling the Skids to knock it off too, or at least not joke with him about it, he needs to form some boundaries it kind of feels like he's failed to set up.

Just talk to DH, it's obviously bothering you, and even if the Skids want to joke still he shouldn't participate and shouldn't really let them do it with you either.

moving_on_again's picture

SO tells stories like BM didn't exist. Like when they went to his brother's boot camp ceremony. He talks about it but he always leaves her out. It's funny, but in the end, I'm glad he does it.

pixielady's picture

Initial family, yes! Someone else on here refers to it as "first act"in Spanish. My SS has on several occasions said to DH, "Remember Fluffy?" which was a dog DH and BM shared that passed away when SS was TWO, so SS doesn't even remember Fluffy, lol.

Tiger7's picture

This whole feed is making me think of my own behavior. My ex and I are really good friends, very close and I love his wife. We all spend holidays and birthdays together. Its easier for us tho because he and I have 3 grown children (22-29) and he and new wife have no kids. My SO lives with me and 2 of my kids. Sometimes, especially when all the kids are at my house, we might bring up some funny memory that includes their dad. SO never indicates if it bothers him. He laughs along with us. His former life however is never talked about with fond memories because the BM is such a witch. His entire family (sisters, dad, cousins, aunts & uncles) have all told me how happy they are they we're together cause they see such a huge positive change in him. SO has actually said he wishes he and ex could get along like me and my ex cause it would make it so much easier with his kids. I wonder now if it bothers him at all when I talk about that past life.

hereiam's picture

I think an occasional reminiscence is different. It is not being done to exclude or to imply that those times were better. We do all have pasts.

DH and BM were never in love and never happy together, so there is nothing to remember fondly. SD was 5 when they finally split for good, so she really doesn't have a lot of memories to bring up.

As long as it's not done for spite, I would not care if he or SD brought up past memories, but apparently, there is not much to talk about. I have even asked DH about life with BM. Did they laugh together, talk, listen to music, go on walks? Nope, just basically co-existed.

Killingmeslowly's picture

Yep, but my situation is different. DH's first wife passed away unexpectedly when she was young. So no BM to have to deal with like most on this board, but I have to deal with the 'sainted late wife'. Everything she did and said was perfect. She was a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend, yada yada yada.....barf.

Took me 4 years after we were married to get DH to finally take her/their pictures out of our common living space in the house and put them in the skids rooms. Many of these were pictures of the 2 of them together. Hard to look at those on a daily basis when you're trying to be the 'new wife'. Sad

DH used to try and get me to do some of the things that 'they' did together, and hang out with the same friends 'they' did. He also tried calling me by the same nickname he used to call her. NOPE. Put an end to most of that pretty quickly.

We are 10 years into our marriage. The stories and comparisons between she and I seem to come up less and less, and they bother me less than they did in the beginning. But some days, they do still sting a little.

hereiam's picture

All of that is just rude and insensitive of your husband. He wanted to call you by her nickname? That is appalling.

strugglingSM's picture

In a couple of stepmother books I've read, there has been a whole section on what it's like to be a SM after the BM has died. Definitely brings it own unique set of challenges. In a lot of ways, you're in a tougher spot than SMs where the BM is still alive, because the BM is so sainted and if you criticize you're just a mean and terrible person (even from your DH).

Killingmeslowly's picture

Exactly. And you absolutely nailed it for ALL SM's (BMs in the picture or not) with this statement in your original post:

"I feel like I'm always expected to honor DH's past, like it was some sacred journey he was on."

Sorry you're dealing with this....I know how hard it is.

Killingmeslowly's picture

Yeah, I agree.^^ I can see very clearly now (hindsight is 20/20), that he wasn't ready to move on to a new relationship. He was just trying to replace LW - and now we are hanging on by a thread because I am not falling into step with his 'master plan' of keeping things the same.

This situation is all too common, and it makes me so sad that so many of us have to deal with it. Sad

SM12's picture

My DH used to do that early in our marriage also. I can recall one night we had another couple over. DH kept telling stories of how he and BM traveled to XYZ and had season tickets to a pro football team....And about when they built their brand new home (that later was repo'd because they couldn't afford it) I was getting rather angry but didn't want to unload right there in front of our friends. Then it happened, My friend (who is quite outspoken and blunt) spoke up and told him to stop! She had enough of hearing stories about BM and his life before me. She really blasted him right there and then.

Later on DH came to me and asked if it really bothered me that much. I explained how I really don't want to hear about the good times with BM. The trips, the perks, the fun. Considering he was barely bringing in any money after child support, we never even got to take a honeymoon and the home we lived it was MINE and all paid for by me!! I didn't really appreciate hearing about the extravagant lifestyle he once had...and lost.

He actually understood and never did it any further.

strugglingSM's picture

Glad your friend called him out. So weird that he felt like it was ok to sit there with his wife and just prattle on about his ex wife. Sounds like he's lacking in some social graces.