Living with a single dad. Harder than I thought!
Hello everyone, this is my first post after coming across this website. Here's what I've got on my plate. I'm 28 and have no children, however I am very much at the point in my life where I want to start a family. I've been living with my boyfriend for 7 months, which is also the same amount of time we've been together, however we've been very close friends for a couple years. He has his 5 year old son every weekend. BM is fairly quiet and minds her own business, aside from the typical custody issues and petty arguments. The kid is extremely hyper and needs constant stimulation from adults, but for the most part is a pretty good boy. He's sweet and kind and he's really taken a liking to me which is great. Sounds like an ideal situation right? You would think, but I just can't seem to be happy. My SO does everything he can to please SS and myself on the weekends but I still feel like the third wheel and by the end of the night end up locking myself in the bedroom with a glass of wine (what I'm doing now). BM calls twice a day to say good morning and goodnight. SO does the same thing when SS is with BM. Every single day which gets on my nerves. It's always at the most inconvenient time. And then I get to hear "mommy this" and "mommy that" constantly, my SO refers to BM as "momma" which drives me insane, we never have any free days alone kid-free because we work all week and SS is here every single weekend. SO's parents are infatuated with SS and whenever we see them they spend the entire time doting on the kid to the point where we barely have any adult conversation. I feel left out all weekend since I'm not a real parent, and frankly I feel jealous over the affection SO pays to SS. I feel horrible for even saying this but I'm bothered when he cuddles with him, when he tucks him into bed, when strangers say "oh he looks just like you" it just reminds me that this is just a part of him that isn't a part of me. Maybe this is a result of jealousy from his past relationship with the BM. Maybe it's envy because I want that for myself. Maybe it's my own insecurities. I also worry about starting a family with SO with me feeling this way. What if I feel like he doesn't love our child the same as his first born? What if I constantly get upset over him referring to his sons baby stories/BM's pregnancy stories. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Should I run for the hills and find someone without the baggage? Or is there something I can do to better this situation and change my feelings? Any thoughts would be wonderful.
I don't have any advice as I
I don't have any advice as I feel I could have written your blog sadly. Just want you to know you're not alone in these feelings! I'm beginning to think too about relationship counselling.
It sounds like it's time to
It sounds like it's time to walk away.
You have a BM who doesn't problems. A well behaved SS.
A BF who does everything to please you and parents his son. Yet you're not happy. If you're not happy in a situation where the three major players are doing the right thing, then then the step life isn't for you. Walk away and find a man without children.
It's unfortunate that the kid
It's unfortunate that the kid likes you because you're going to have to leave for your own mental health. Learn from this and don't get involved with men with children. Your feelings are going to increase by a factor of thousands if you have a child with this guy. Don't do that for heavens sake.
Tell him it seemed like a good idea but it just isn't going to work out. Take all the blame (although there really is nothing to be guilty about) and leave as soon as possible. This week for instance.
I agree, I wish I would have
I agree, I wish I would have moved on a long time ago! It's so hard and we only have his kid 50% of the time. I have a good relationship with the kid and his BM, no drama, it's all pretty easy as far as that goes but I miss being with someone who doesn't have all the confinements that having a child brings...for me it means doing most of my traveling, going out etc alone. But I stayed and now it's been 3 years and I am in constant turmoil in my own head about being here. I honestly wish I would have left before it got even more complicated.
I feel or have felt all of
I feel or have felt all of your feelings! I wish I was seven months into it again, not seven years (like I am now) because I would have got out then...and not because I even have anything legit to complain about now, step life is just really freaking hard and an emotional roller coaster for anyone who is the least bit sensitive. *sigh* Good luck! If you get out now, your future self will thank you - trust me.
^^^^ Listen to the people. I
^^^^ Listen to the people. I am one of those who is 2 years in. Wish I would have left before they moved in with me. It gets harder and harder and every day I say F*** This im out!!!! But it gets harder to leave. Those feelings are all natural and for some dang reason those with the kid can't possibly understand why we dont just adore their little spawn. Sarcasm. Please leave and help me leave. 27/male here
Hi! Well I'm not going to
Hi! Well I'm not going to tell you to move on yet. Talk to your so and tell him how you feel. I f that doesn't work then start reevaluating your relationship. I'm married now and very unhappy. Don get this far.
I understand how you feel about having your own kids and wondering if so is going to be excited etc. I actually don't want kids AT ALL ( my dh daughter is ENOUGH) and a small part of that reason is that he's already done the pregnancy/baby raising thing and I would never want him to compare his kids experience with mine. Plus....I just don't want any.
The first step is talking. It may do wonders for you. It may not. But that's the starting point.
everyone's situation is very
everyone's situation is very different. What is good is that you are still super early in this relationship so leaving wont be as bad... That said I have had all these feelings and gotten past a lot of them. The only way to get past them is to talk to SO and get on the same page. My husband puts me first. Above his kids, above his job, above everything. We are a partnership. I have as much say with the kids as he does (they do live here and visit bm, so that makes it a bit easier). I have as much say as DH when it comes to crazy violent bM and court. We are equals. That is the ONLY way that I could have made it in this relationship. Bm is crazy, and a huge headache, but I am happy. very happy, and about to have a child of my own with DH. My point is, it is doable, but only if SO and you are together in it. And I want to add that it did take time, it didn't just magically fall into place. We have had many fights, but continue to work through them.
All of the feedback I've
All of the feedback I've received from this post had been a great insight, 90% of you that speak from experience tell me to leave this situation before any more attachment forms. I guess I can kind of understand that but how unfair. I fell in love with this man, and that has not changed. How do you end a relationship with someone that you love and get along great with Tuesday-Friday. What an unfair situation. Nobody tells you how hard it's going to be, how much you will sacrifice and give up when dating a person with a child, even if they do their very best to love you and their children equally.
Oh how I envy you. We have
Oh how I envy you. We have SD6 24/7....might be able to work if we had a break. I am in the same situation I love and care about her mom. But which is greater? The resentment for the skid, or love for the mom. This is a not a mind battle anyone should have to endure....Good luck my friend.
love isnt enough for a
love isnt enough for a successful relationship.
sometimes you have 2 really great people but that doesnt mean they make 1 really good couple.
you will find love again and have your family that you want.
as others said, i envy you that the BM is so cooperative.