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How do people do this?

Sadasusual's picture

I was already feeling down for the evening because BF had been on the phone with BM for 15 minutes. Granted, they only discussed the holiday visitation schedules, but still. A year and a half into this relationship and I'm still not used to the whole BM/SS situation. Then, we're watching a movie and SS5 calls. BF goes to another room to talk to him like he usually does while I just sit there with the movie on pause for probably 10-15 minutes. I know BM jumped on the phone because he told me they had to discuss a little incident that happened in kindergarten today.
I feel so alone, and so sad. Nobody has done anything wrong, BF and BM don't have feelings for each other but I still feel sad. I don't have any children yet so maybe that makes it all a little harder.
Tired of crying all the time, I never used to be this emotional. I'm going to see a counselor next week, maybe it will help me. Just needed to vent a little...

Sadasusual's picture

Also, I have a very considerate and understanding BF. None of my feelings are his fault, he has been very supportive thru my whole roller coaster of emotions.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

After many years of knock out fights and some couples counseling, we have boundaries and set times for such phone calls. All BM-SKID calls are to be made or taken before 9pm. After 9pm it is our time to unwind spend time together, watch our shows or a movie. Any calls that come in after 9 are sent to VM and dealt with the next day. DONE NON NEGOTIABLE. I figure if it is a true emergency BM will hang up and call right back and still until we get 3 in a row we will not answer. SO will try to handle all visitation and any other SKID type stuff before he even sets foot in the door. I just don't even want to hear her gold digging snotty ass voice on the other end of the phone, if it can't addressed before he gets home then it's done by 9pm or not until the next day. Also SO will NEVER answer the phone if we are out on date night, shopping, hiking or any other time we are doing something together.

Merry's picture

Yes, this ^^^. Be sure you have time for JUST you and DH. My skids are adults, but my DH would interrupt anything (and I mean anything) to take a call from them. He still almost always takes the call, but has learned to say "I need to call you back" if we are in the middle of something. If it's date night, I prefer that we both leave our stupid phones in the car.

Since our kids are adults (his kids, my kids, none together), I would just leave the moving running. If he'd rather talk to them than watch the movie with me, ok, but I'm watching the movie. Doesn't bother me in the least. With a small child, yeah, that's different. I can see where he'd take that call.

But definitely set boundaries that you both can live with. Just because a time is convenient for BM to call doesn't mean he has to take the call right then. He needs to nurture his relationship with you, too.

Yes, it's hard. Very, very hard.

Sadasusual's picture

Thank you, and you are exactly right. Its easy to type my feelings on here, even when they get judged. Telling them to a real life person might be a little tougher, but hopefully it can help me.

Soymilk's picture

"having loved another woman enough to marry her, loving her enough to want to be the Mother of his children "

Not always the case, as it seems quite a few DHs/BFs on this forum fell prey to a baby trap! (Mine included!)

Soymilk's picture

So because of a few moments of stupidity on the part of a man who believes a woman who lies saying she's on birth control, the man should be attached for the rest of his life to a woman he dated only six months? That's crazy talk.

It's kind of like saying you should be held accountable for every mistake you make in your youth for the REST of your life.

Soymilk's picture

Whoa, Nelly. I never said only one party was at fault. I just think it's ridiculous that some women lie about being on birth control and a man gets trapped into a relationship (romantic or not) for life!

Soymilk's picture

"If THAT many women lied don't you think men would be smart enough to use a condom."

...Yet the rate of births out of wedlock is 40.7%...And you don't think a decent portion of those women LIED about birth control? That's a bit naive.

Soymilk's picture

I'm pretty sure I touched a nerve with you. Wouldn't be surprised if you or someone very close to you "accidentally" got pregnant out of wedlock.

You are the type of feminist who refuses to let a woman be regarded as the main perpetrator of any wrongdoing without pointing a finger at the man involved and screaming, "But HE did this TOO!!!"

P.S. Most young men are SELFISH idiots. Not sure how you don't know this.

blayze's picture

Don't bother with this conversation on here. A few on this site don't realize that a man's choices end at conception, while a woman can abort, put the child up for adoption, collect huge amounts of CS, or let the BF raise the child, all while escaping financial responsibility for HER choices.


Blah blah blah.

Soymilk's picture

Perhaps a family member? A friend? There has got to be some reason you keep vociferously defending women who purposely get themselves pregnant without a ring or long-term relationship. Otherwise, why toot your horn so LOUDLY, so offensively?

Soymilk's picture

As to your question, yes. If you took the time to read my responses, you would see that I called him a dipshit, among other words, to describe him at the time! But I'm not a miserable man-hater to believe the man in this kind of situation is SOLELY at fault. I will quote another member who posted yesterday: "A few on this site don't realize that a man's choices end at conception, while a woman can abort, put the child up for adoption, collect huge amounts of CS, or let the BF raise the child, all while escaping financial responsibility for HER choices."

Soymilk's picture

Oh and by the way Ms. Tommar...I heard it from the horse's mouth when she was drunk at my SS's graduation party that she lied to him about BC. So please don't call me naive.

Soymilk's picture

Alas, no. My first point was that BM lied to him regarding birth control. Didn't feel the need to explain HOW I knew this, until you started on your witch hunt Wink

Soymilk's picture

A witch hunt of men who get trapped into lifelong relationships because of a pregnancy, yes a bit. And what you call "arguing a point" could use some tact, dear. Anyways, I believe we are both taking up a lot of space on another member's post that I'm sure she doesn't want to read about, so I'm bowing out!

Soymilk's picture

No need to be a female dog, Echo. I have no problem knowing he felt attracted enough to another woman that he had sex with her. I'm thinking I hit too close to home for you. Sounds to me like you, your mother, family member or close friend got pregnant out of wedlock and that's why you're being so aggressive here. (And yes, I just WENT there. I feel no need to continue acting respectful to you when you're being a downright C U Next Tuesday.)

hereiam's picture


If he dated her "only" 6 months, why would he just take her word for it that she's on BC? He should have taken birth control into his own hands because, yes, he's going to be responsible for a human being otherwise.

Again, a human being, not just some stupid mistake like drinking a 6 pack and wrecking dad's car.

Soymilk's picture

Because he was a dipshit! But does that mean he should be "punished" by being pinned to a crazy woman forever?

P.S. I may just have to leave this forum. I've noticed that certain users here are a little too eager to bash people for their thoughts. Perhaps my topic hit too close to home for some?

AllySkoo's picture

"Because he was a dipshit! But does that mean he should be "punished" by being pinned to a crazy woman forever?"

Yup. It does. He made a bad choice and now has consequences. And this is EXACTLY what I tried to get through to my idiot SD17. She fucked an abusive asshole and now she's having his baby - he is now in her life FOREVER no matter HOW she feels about him or how much she grows to hate him. It's the natural consequence of being too stupid to protect yourself.

Disneyfan's picture

He isn't attached to the mother. He's attached to the kid he created when he made the choice not to use a condom.

Onefootout's picture

Echo, I agree 100%. They think they can claim they were duped because the woman lied about being on birth control. When two people decide to have sex, they are both making a decision to have a baby, that's what my mom always told me whether they think they've made a decision or not, it's always risk. Especially with no condom.

Disneyfan's picture

Oh for crying out loud. Men are not stupid. They know how babies are made. No one trapped them into marriage or fatherhood.

twopines's picture

They also know how STD's are spread, so yep even if birth control wasn't a prime motivator for using a condom, it's a side benefit.

Disneyfan's picture

"If you don't feel you can handle this now...know that it will get much more intense as the years go by. So, if you can't handle it, do yourself a huge favor and move on now. It may be tough, but it'll be a damned site tougher 10 years down the road."


If you're feeling this way even though you have a sup portative BF and a BM who isn't causing problems, then step life may not be for you.

Jsmom's picture

At a year in, I was so despondent over what I had done. It is better now at year 5. But, to be honest, that is because BM and SD18 are not a huge factor anymore. I don't recommend he get rid of his kid, but the problems lightened drastically when SD was out of this house.

It does get better, but you have to learn to work with it. Disengaging helps tremendously. Also, for us, it was separate interests and something we do together.

kathc's picture

Several years in over here and our life still gets to screech to a halt if a skid calls. Difference is, I no longer care or let it stop MY life from moving on. If we're watching a movie, I keep watching the movie. He wants to miss 15 minutes of it to take a call in the next room, fine. I'm not going to sit there waiting.

Evil stepmonster's picture

I love my DH, I do. But the hard truth is, if I knew then what I knew now he would't be my DH. We have alot of happy times, and with every happy time there's two or three sad times. Whether it be the BM's, the skids, it's always there to overshadow our happy times. I've asked my self many times is it worth this, and have told myself many times he's not the last man on the planet, and have told myself how much I love him and I stick it out. But again, had I known what was instore for me I would have walked away from DH the night I met him and never looked back and prayed hard for the poor woman who did marry him because this is not an easy life, and it gets harder and harder.

Ninji's picture

I felt this way as well for about the first two years. BM would call BF about everything. She got a new BF or her and BF broke up. Everything. It really pissed me off.

I did leave for almost a year and things are much better now. When I first came back, I had to remind him a couple of times that he is not her BFF and they should only be discussing their children. If he wanted it any other way, I was leaving again.

Now he only replies to text from her that are about the kids and rarely speaks to her on the phone. The SKids call every day after school around 3 and I'm at work and don't have to deal with it.

She did call the other night about an issue with school and BF immediately told me I could stay in the room. Nah, I don't care anymore. They do need to be able to co-parent and that does mean communicating.

Like I said, in the beginning I cried a lot too. She was acting like they were still married and she leaned on him for everything. Sorry you lost that right when you divorced him. The only thing that fixed it was actually leaving.

You need to talk to SO about what your boundaries are going to be. But remember, if they are going to be good parents to their kids, they will have to communicate.

Ninji's picture

Its still super hard. I tell people it's the hardest thing I've ever done and I was in Iraq getting bombed everyday.

I don't know that I would still choose this course if I could go back and do it over. As much as I love them, I can't stand them sometimes too. And I have super guilt about that.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

^^^^AGREED^^^^^ boundaries boundaries boundaries. SET THEM NOW and DO NOT bend or alter in anyway.
I too left for almost 18 months and only since getting back together has it changed. SO got engaged over the weekend and I thought for sure she was going to AMP up her BS again. Knock on wood so far all is still quiet but SO is already ready to NOT deal with her excessive contact if is should happen.

Ninji's picture

Actually leaving changes everything. He knows I'm not joking now when I say I'll leave. It wasn't easy, emotionally or financially but it was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Yea I told him when we starting "dating" I already have 1 foot and 9 toes out the door, the first time I see anything that resembles the American Horror Freak Show life we once had I am OUT! We've been back together for about a year now and he moved back in June of this year. We've had our moments and he caught himself falling into old patterns with BM and quickly course corrected. She recently drug him over the coals for $$$$ in court and all though she didn't get what she wanted, she lied and swore she wasn't going to and when court date came she tried to anally rape him with a cactus so his desire to be anything more then civil and co parent is gone. If she gets on the phone when he is on the phone with the boys he quickly addresses whatever BS she got on for then asks to put the boys on. He ruffianly learned it is better to keep the [peace with the woman you lie your head down next to every night then the one you had crotch droppings with.

Ninji's picture

Oh yeah, we have old patterns creep back up too. Sometimes a good loud fight brings everything back to where it should be. LOL

Sadasusual's picture

I appreciate all the advice and I find it interesting how about half of you say it gets better with time, and half of you say it gets worse. I'm hoping for the first one!

Sadasusual's picture

Somehow this post turned into a really immature argument about birth control, which was not where I intended it to go. Anyways, thank you to all who replied with advice. I read and consider it all and it's encouraging!

BethAnne's picture

I think that the most important thing is how your husband responds to you getting upset. Is he concerned that his behavior is upsetting you? Is he willing to try new ways to communicate with his kids/BM that doesn't intrude on your time together or make you feel like you are not as important to him?

I had all the thoughts and feelings that you do at first, and some of them still creep in now and then. But my husband changed his behavior so that him and BM do not communicate as regularly, it is mainly through text message rather than phone calls. He had to start the change, he didn't respond to all of her texts/calls immediately. He only replied to those that were relevant to the kids and needed immediate responses. BM gave some kick back at first because she was used to being able to make him run around after her and always be on the phone for what ever emotional support she needed that day, or if she was just in a bad mood she could take it out on him. Eventually when my husband stopped being there for her, she must have found other things to do and outlets for her emotions because the frequent calls diminished and now communication is mainly through text and kid related and often kept away from me so that I don't have to be confronted with her presence continuously. Shit still happens, but much less frequently.

So my main advice is that your husband has to be the one to make the changes, and BM will follow if he is consistent. At first I had arguments with my husband to get him to see how upsetting his behavior was as he was reluctant to change but he did change because me being happy is important to him. I haven't left him or threatened to leave him as some others on here have done. Firstly because I don't want to put that threat of instability into my marriage and secondly because so far he has shown that he is willing to change even when he is at first reluctant. We can't always get things right first time but willingness to learn and adapt should be a key feature that your partner demonstrates for you to keep your sanity (and we all feel like we are loosing ours at some point or other).

violet_petal's picture

Unfortunately the bio-mom and dad have to have a connection. I hated it when I had to see my BF and his child's mom speak. I finally realized that they have to because they have an attachment called a kid. They have to keep an "ok" relationship so they can both continue to see the kid. I found out that he wouldn't have anything to do with her if it was for their daughter. Yes, it really did suck at first when our relationship was new, seeing them talk about certain things off topic rather than her. It's a feeling of jealousy for me. Ask your boyfriend why they are on the phone so long, ask about the conversation and how their kid is doing. It can be bothersome that the conversations are that long but I suggest doing some digging. How long have you been together?

Onefootout's picture

Your BF doesn't need to interrupt a movie for that. That's your couple time. He needs to respect that. He can talk to BM later, as long as the kid isn't in the emergency room.

I'm a big fan of email and BM and the dad communicating primarily that way. If they wanted to have long conversations about how to deal with minor school incidents, then they should have stayed married. They can be cooperative by email. (Although, if there's something that involves getting the kid counseling or medication, I understand there probably needs to be some discussion)

I know there are exceptions to that, and many couples co-parent by phone or what not, and it doesn't bother anyone, but it would bother me for the most part if it didn't involve an emergency situation.

If it's not an emergency, then BF can talk to BM the next day on his lunch break, while at work, or sometime not on your time.

Also, I've had a rule that I won't date a guy with young kids, as your situation would really bother me. It's the unscheduled aspect of it. Dads think they can parent the same way they always have been and still keep their girlfriends. They need to schedule these phone calls, and shouldn't just drop everything every time BM or a kid calls on the phone.

I have yet to successfully get along with a guy with kids. I'm hopeful I can someday get along with a guy with adult kids. I will not ever live with a man and his kids. It just will never work. I don't have the tolerance for getting pushed aside. I'd rather live alone than be second or often times last priority. But that's me.