Looking for resources...
I am going through a situation right now that has me at my wits end with my SO and my SD. I googled blended family to see if there were any good sites to help me out and came across this...
http://www.joydigitalmag.com/everyday-life/the-blended-family-dealing-wi...
Maybe I am wrong but I find this disturbing. It basically says that a step mom should be submissive to her Skids and SO and suck up all the negative that comes with being a step mom and understand how hard the divorce was on the Skids. :jawdrop:
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Exactly! I'm glad I have
Exactly! I'm glad I have this site to reference as well! LOL
Oh God that is rich!
Oh God that is rich!
LOL, yes, always consider the
LOL, yes, always consider the source! I figured I would just share all this insight and help all the stepmothers here!
Honestly, if you strip away
Honestly, if you strip away the fact that the POV seems to be that of a BM..lol, a lot of the advice is not too far off point.
Trying to have empathy and see things from someone else's point of view can help ease resentment.
I do agree that seeing things
I do agree that seeing things from someone else's point of view can help ease resentment and some of the information could be useful. I just think it was strongly biased and seemed to portray the step mom as the bad guy. I thought it seemed like the POV from a Disney Dad!
It basically says that a step
It basically says that a step mom should be submissive to her Skids and SO and suck up all the negative
That's not really what it said at all.
Well how did you interpret
Well how did you interpret it?
I didn't get that at all,
I didn't get that at all, either.
I got that the stepmom shouldn't go into the blended family life thinking it's all going to work out - because she has expectations that might be different than those of the father, or of the children. I also got that to avoid conflict, SM should respect that they had a life/roles/responsibilities/rules/whatever before she came along, and that just because she's also now joint head of household, she doesn't simply have the right to dictate to everyone how it's going to be from this point forward
I got that if SM doesn't want negativity with the kids, maybe she shouldn't come into the blended family life with proverbial guns blazing, and should try to remain the outisder when it comes to parenting the kids...that she should remain disengaged from parental responsibilities...or she risks resentment from all sides... it's saying that she might deal with a disney daddy who doesn't want to risk the love of his kids by refusing to discipline....
It's basically saying - leave the parenting to dad if you want to be a happy wife. It's saying - disengage or risk divorce.
Hmmm, maybe I should read it
Hmmm, maybe I should read it again. It really didn't come across that way to me. Maybe as a stepmom I am just biased in my opinion.
Me neither. I thought most
Me neither. I thought most of those pointS were quite normal and generally what those with lots of experience preach around here? :?
•Doesn’t pretend that a second marriage is the same as a first, and she doesn’t expect everyone to be happy- ALL TOO COMMON ERROR, THINKING YOU'LL BE LIKE THE BRADY BUNCH
•Acknowledges that it’s normal to love stepchildren differently than biological kids- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE ALL GOTTEN TICKED AT A MAN WHO EXPECTS SM TO LOVE KIDS AS HER OWN??
•Takes time to understand children who are coping with loss and loyalty conflicts- YES BUT WITHOUT LETTING THEM WALK ALL OVER YOU
•Recognises that children often feel disloyal to the biological mom if they treat their step-mom kindly- TOTALLY HAPPENS
•Doesn’t step hastily into her husband’s parenting role, even when he refuses to- YEP, WE ALWAYS SAY LEAVE DISCIPLINE TO DAD
•Respectfully discusses issues about the children privately with her husband- YEP- COMMON SENSE?
•Is prepared. She isn’t naive or ambushed by complex stepfamily issues and is flexible to cope with matters that she didn’t see coming- SOMETHING I WAS NOT AND WISH THAT I WAS. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID IT CROSS MY MIND THAT SKIDS WOULD WANT TO COME AND LIVE WITH US UNTIL SKID WAS ON MY DOORSTEP
•Has a strong support system with other women who share her values- UM DUH.. STEP TALK!
•Tries to be at peace with the biological mom and asks God to help her see things from the biological mom’s viewpoint- I GET THIS, I MEAN I DO THIS WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE.. NOT JUST BM
•Does not try to become a replacement mother to children who already have one, nor does she insist that the children call her mom- AGAIN HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SAID, YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT SO LET DAD OR BM HANDLE SKIDS
•Acknowledges that she may not see the fruit of her sacrifices until the children become adults- TRUE, THAT'S MY HOPE FOR MY SKIDS, THAT ONCE THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO ADULT AND BE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY THAT THEY WILL SEE THAT'S ALL DH AND I WANTED FOR THEM
•Resists the negative label associated with being a stepmother- YEP COULDN'T CARE LESS WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME AS A SM
I agree with your assessment.
I agree with your assessment. I think I definitely just interpreted the article differently. I had more issues with the paragraphs before and after the bullets. To me it felt like they were saying all will be fine and dandy as long as you are a doormat step mom. I'm also not religious so maybe that made me feel more biased towards the POV in which this was written.
I think the tone of the post
I think the tone of the post is what makes it most offensive. It talks about how stepmothers feel negatively toward the children as if stepmothers are just being mean toward the children. It should explain that blended family relationships are complicated because family bonds don't exist between stepparents and children, leading to unmet expectations and frustrations on all sides.
I do disagree with the idea that the stepmother should come second in her husband's eyes. There are many researchers and psychologists who say that the wife should come first, even if she is the second wife, because that creates a functioning family dynamic, which is necessary in order to build a successful blended family.
I realize that the bio parent and stepparent may not always agree on which course of action to take with the children and the stepparent may have to make some sacrifices for the children that he/she wouldn't have to make if they were her biological children (e.g. not being able to move to a different state), but I think that a lot of the breakup of second marriages happen because the children are given excess power in the relationship because they are seen as "needing to come first."
Parenting by guilt doesn't help anyone. If children or parents are still working through the pain of a divorce, they should seek professional help to process through that, rather than trying to throw everything aside and make the children the center of the universe as a way to compensate for the divorce.