Dreary's picture

Where the hell is her mother???

I'm not sure how much more of this I can tolerate. Sd and her twins are ruining our life. It's constant noise and crying with their stuff everywhere. Dh is up and down all night to help her, I finally asked him to sleep on the couch and he is having back pain from it. They have been here 2 weeks/2 1/2 weeks and dh has missed 4 days of work because of being up and helping sd. Bm has taken sd and her twins out once to visit because I said she wasn't allowed here but then she brought them back. Shouldn't she be helping and caring for her kid and grandkids. Bm is the one who let sd run all over town and didn't bother to notice she was pregnant so why am I having to live like this and she doesn't? Dh isn't even trying to get sd started in services so that means he is buying diapers and baby items. The really gross part is sd is trying to breastfeed and dh is trying to help her. I've seen more of her breast then I do mine. Her dad is helping her and seeing her breast. It is disgusting. I told sd to go do that in the other room or cover herself up so that we don't see her breast and dh told me to stop it. Dh was ordering her nursing bras off of Amazon yesterday and i had to over hear their conversation about her breast size. There are some things that aren't right and him buying her nursing bras and asking what size she is, is one of them. He is acting like the proudest grandpa a man could ever be and I am called by my name to her kids. Oh grandpa grandpa grandpa and Mrs. Linda could you ...... yep, she calls me Mrs. No matter how many times I say to stop and dh has tried but she still does it. I hate bm and I want her to come get her kid and grandkids.

WagiMorri's picture

Worry less about the

Worry less about the necessary feeding of two infants and how much BM is helping. What do YOU need? What do YOU want?

Dreary's picture

I want my life back. I need

I want my life back. I need her out of my house. If i put her out dh will go with her and they will get their own place prolonging this. I just have to wait till bm comes and gets her.

WagiMorri's picture

How likely do you think it is

How likely do you think it is that this will happen? DH sounds as if he is enjoying the process of helping his daughter with her newborn babies. Has he given you an actual date that she will be moving out or is he making this a "Until she gets back on her feet" sort of thing? If it's the latter, you're pretty much out of luck. He's happy where he is and you're miserable. BM isn't coming to get her, why would she?

bearcub25's picture

I waited for BM to come get

I waited for BM to come get her kids also. She never did and its 7 years later. She lost custody and didn't do a thing to get it back.

You have to take control of your life.

Your DH isn't going to stop being Dad and Grandpa. He is enjoying it and it is up to you to make what changes you need for you, even if that means leaving.

Aniki's picture

Your DH is SD's father and

Your DH is SD's father and grandfather to the twins. Why do you believe that BM should be the one to care for SD and the twins?? Logically, the solution would be for your DH and BM to care for SD and her twins equally.

Like WagiMorri said, What do YOU need and want? If your DH is committed to helping SD raise these babies in his/your home, this situation is only going to get worse.

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

DaizyDuke's picture

I would suggest you find a

I would suggest you find a month month lease on an apartment and go there until SD leaves (or doesn't). Yes, you would think that a MOTHER would want to help their daughter with such things, but apparently that his not the case, so it falls to the girl's father. Really not a whole heck of a lot you can do about it, other than leave

—

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Maybe OP could stay in her

Maybe OP could stay in her own home and her DH and the kids can move out?

Why will happen if he misses too much work? Will he lose his job? Who's money is paying for all this expensive baby stuff? Have you separated finances?

If OP is uncomfortable with a 14 year olds boobs floating around her house, that's her right. Sure, yeah, she's feeding babies and it's natural and all but there's plenty of natural things that I don't want to have a conversation around. In our society breasts are sexualized, meant to be a private body part most of the time, and there's no point in shaming another woman because she's grossed out (an maybe jealous?) that her husband has her hands on his daughters boobs, no matter what it's for. Yes, I breastfed. Yes, I kept that private. My steps, neighbors, MIL and friends didn't need to see my boobs. I did not give up my status as a sexual being just because I was feeding a kid with my body fluids.

DaizyDuke's picture

I didn't shame her for being

I didn't shame her for being grossed out? Puzzled I'm totally with her on that I would NOT want my DH or myself to be seeing SD boobs all day long.. don't care if it's a "natural" BF thing or not. I breastfed as well, and did it privately... to each their own.

Yes, her DH and SD can move out, but she's not going to force them, so my point was since poster can't control what is going on in her home for the unforeseeable future, maybe it'd be best to remove herself from the situation.

—

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Sorry! I kind of threw all my

Sorry! I kind of threw all my responses into one post. I like your reply. It makes sense. OP needs to grow a backbone or find a way to make herself comfortable elsewhere.

Disneyfan's picture

******

******

—

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

WalkOnBy's picture

Having raised twins, I can

Having raised twins, I can tell you that constant crying and stuff everywhere is de rigeur. Babies cry. Two of them naturally make more noise than one. Babies need "stuff." Two of them need more "stuff" than one.

You need to really sit and reflect upon what you want out of this marriage and realize that this man might not be able to give that to you. Doesn't make him right or wrong, but it may make him wrong for you.

He is helping his child. He cannot, and you certainly cannot, force the BM to do or not do anything. Clearly, he is committed to helping out - YOU need to decide if that's something you can live with. If you decide that you can't, it doesn't make you a bad person, not at ALL, but it might mean that you need to remove yourself from something that you find untenable.

—

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

lieutenant_dad's picture

This. As a father, he has a

This.

As a father, he has a moral and legal responsibility to his daughter, during both good and bad times. This is a bad time, and it appears that he is trying to make the best of a bad, and sad, situation.

My guess is that BM wanted all the "fun" and "easy" times with her daughter, knowing when.it got tough she would just dump her off on her father. He cannot not help her and take care of her, and he cannot force BM to take over.

This is unfortunate for you all, but as has been said, figure out what you want and what you will tolerate then follow that plan. You cannot change others, but you can change your own circumstance.

BrightFuture99's picture

This situation is not healthy

This situation is not healthy for you. If I recall, you had hoped to have children of your own, so this must be rather painful and your resentment is probably growing.

Can you get away for a little while? Can you stay with a friend?

Yes, all that's happening is "normal" but this isn't your child and you're being treated like the odd man out in your own home. You don't need a front row seat. Can you get away for a few days?

secret's picture

Just because you're disgusted

Just because you're disgusted at the sight of your SD breastfeeding her babies, doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong... and kudos on dad for helping her with it.

DH is only doing what he should be doing - taking care of his daughter....guiding her through life... supporting her in her decisions... it just happens to suck for you... there's nothing you can do about it other than remove yourself from the situation.

ESMOD's picture

"Her dad is helping her and

"Her dad is helping her and seeing her breast. It is disgusting."

This whole line of discourse bothers me. Breastfeeding babies is not a sexual thing. Your husband is not involved in this to get some thrill from seeing his 15 year old daughter's breasts..or ordering her necessary things like a nursing bra.

I understand your frustration with your home being "taken over" by this new young mother and her babies. I understand your frustration with her mother not taking more of an interest in this and helping more. (though since you won't allow her in your home and for whatever reason, the girl isn't going to her mother's, I'm not sure what more she can do. A woman who has recently delivered twins and brand new babies don't really need to be out of the house at this point).

The fact of the matter is that the girl's father IS stepping up to help his child who has got to be very overwhelmed by this situation. If you can't be part of the solution for these problems, perhaps you would be happier staying elsewhere until things settle down a bit?

I guess I would think that someone who desperately wanted children would have a soft spot for babies and would be interested in being involved with them.

And... what do you want the girl to call you? "MOM?" It sounds like she is trying to be respectful by saying "Mrs. Linda". In the south, that is a pretty common way of referring to someone anyway.

Again, I understand the frustration that things weren't handled better in the past, but right now, there are three children in the home that need support. Your husband isn't ogling his daughter, but he is trying to do his best to help her.

Dreary's picture

I'm fine with breast feeding.

I'm fine with breast feeding. I'm not fine with her taking her breast out of her tank top and letting it sit there while dh brings her a baby to fed. When she is done nursing she fans her nipple while her breast is sitting outside her tank top so it can air dry. I know dh isn't oogling her or i eould be divorced. It's just that she should have some decorum.

Monchichi's picture

There is nothing attractive

There is nothing attractive or nice about breastfeeding. Sore, cracked nipples that literally feel like they are burning in hell are not exactly fun times. I do think you are projecting your frustration and hurt in to any little thing, for which I don't blame you. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.

Your SD is young and has twins, she had no cue what she is doing. At 34 I was completely clueless myself but yes I kept covered. I had years to develop, this girl has thrust herself in to parenthood while still being a child herself.

You are going to eat yourself alive and turn very bitter if you don't find a way to breathe and not be present in this situation. Consider time out of the house. Maybe a friend/ family members place if you can't rent a bachelor place of your own.

—

RUBM - rusty uterus birth mother

ESMOD's picture

I'm guessing that the fanning

I'm guessing that the fanning is an effort to dry them to prevent irritation. It sounds like the girl isn't particularly modest, but that's not too unusual for a kid her age.

I know it must be a big upheaval in that household... but I really don't think that her husband really has any other choice with a minor daughter in this situation.

So OP does need to figure out how she can get through this sanely. It might mean she can accept what she can't change and decide to help with the babies.. or it might mean removing herself so she isn't faced with it. But, eating herself alive is 100% in her own court.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I don't understand the

I don't understand the vicious backlash that OP is getting and the suggestions that she move out of her own home because 2 other people can't control their children. Of course the man has a responsibility to his daughter. But then so does her mother. And, he has a responsibility to his wife, OP. She should be protected from the effects of everyone's stunningly bad decisions. Her life should not be turned upside down. As far as I can see, she is the only one who is suffering for this situation. SD has a free place to live and unconditional support, the rapist isn't being punished or paying child support, BM doesn't want to deal with newborns so she isn't forced. But OP is forced to deal with them and nailed to the cross on here because she dares to have negative feelings.

Monchichi's picture

What alternative do you

What alternative do you suggest for OP? I cannot do more than empathise and offer an alternative that does not end her marriage, which she has stated she doesn't want to end.

—

RUBM - rusty uterus birth mother

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

OP shouldn't be the one

OP shouldn't be the one coming up with alternatives. She had nothing to do with the decision making and now she's suffering all of the consequences. I, also, did not have anything to do with knocking SD up. All I'm saying on here is that maybe OP shouldn't be our own personal Joan of Arc because she doesn't gush over having another woman and her screaming babies in the house.

ESMOD's picture

Her husband has a minor child

Her husband has a minor child that he is legally obligated to care for. Yes, the girl's mother would be held to the same standard if he couldn't do so, but he is LEGALLY required to care for his child who is not an adult.

His wife is an adult, she is free to do whatever SHE needs to do.. leave.. stay and pout.. whatever. His obligation to his child trumps that to his wife in a legal sense I believe. But he is not refusing his wife a home, or anything, he is just ALSO doing so for his child.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Where was he when this kid

Where was he when this kid was out getting knocked up?

Aniki's picture

What does that have to do

What does that have to do with anything?? Kids manage to have sex in aaaaaaaaall kinds of places without their parents knowing.

For the record, the daughter was raped. Read OP's previous blogs.

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Monchichi's picture

At home with his wife, while

At home with his wife, while his daughter was being raped. Stop long enough to think how much guilt that man must be feeling?

—

RUBM - rusty uterus birth mother

hereiam's picture

Where was he when this kid

Where was he when this kid was out getting knocked up?

Really? Were you tied to your dad's hip when you were a teenager?

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Nope. I also knew that I

Nope. I also knew that I wouldn't be laying around my stepmom son house, fanning my nipples if I dragged a baby home.

IDontCare3117's picture

It's a different day and age.

It's a different day and age. Teen motherhood is glorified.

Meezer's picture

I just wanted to point out

I just wanted to point out that in some states, once a child has children they become emancipated and are no longer the legal responsibility of the parent. So SD's father may not *legally* be required to care for her, but he may still want to do so simply because of his emotional attachment to her.

ESMOD's picture

What states do that

What states do that automatically? I can see some states allowing that to be a criteria for someone to apply to be emancipated, but I don't think that this girl is interested in giving up her parental support.

hereiam's picture

I am pretty sure that no

I am pretty sure that no state has automatic emancipation due to a minor having children.

WalkOnBy's picture

"She had nothing to do with

"She had nothing to do with the decision making and now she's suffering all of the consequences."

But she absolutely DOES have control over how she handles the situation. I don't think anyone is making her out to be Joan of Arc, but I do think people are encouraging her to be more proactive about her own life.

I also think she is projecting her anger at the situation all over the place.

She can't change dad. She can't change BM. She can't change SD. She can't change the babies. She CAN change her reaction, her location, her everything.

Yes, her husband should be looking out for her, but he isn't. She has to figure out if that is okay for her.

—

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Yes, good advice!

Yes, good advice!

WagiMorri's picture

There's not backlash, people

There's not backlash, people are using common sense. There is almost nothing OP can control in this situation besides what she decides to do herself. All the complaining in the world about exposed nipples, unresponsive BM, and doting DH isn't going to change a thing. Everyone else is doing what they want to in this situation and OP is left as the odd one out. OP has to decide when enough is enough and OP is responsible for her own happiness.

Aniki's picture

But that's YOUR sense of

But that's YOUR sense of decorum - and it's not the same for everyone.

What if BM was dead? What if your DH was the only parent still alive?

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

In her home, her sense of

In her home, her sense of decorum is what matters.

Disneyfan's picture

But it's also her husband's

But it's also her husband's home.

—

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Cutter's picture

Actually i think it was hers.

Actually i think it was hers.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

So because she has a husband,

So because she has a husband, she gives up her right to be comfortable and happy in her own home? Dang! OP better get off the computer and go make the man his dinner or else she'll be earning herself another backhand.

SD needs to go somewhere else. If she's too young to care for these babies alone, she needs to give them up for adoption. Just think, if the babies are like their mama, she can be a grandma at 28!

Disneyfan's picture

Look, the bottom line is he

Look, the bottom line is he isn't going to walk away from his daughter and grandkids.

If the OP can't deal with that, then she needs to follow through with the threat she made when the babies were first born.

—

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

hereiam's picture

So because she has a husband,

So because she has a husband, she gives up her right to be comfortable and happy in her own home?

No, but she did marry a man with a minor child and we know that there is always the possibility that the minor child could move in. Unfortunately, in this case, it's a minor child and 2 babies.

I would hate to be in this situation.

The two parents, seemingly, did nothing to prepare for this, or help their minor child prepare for it, or guide her as to what would be best for everyone involved, especially those innocent babies. I mean, nobody had a clue where the girl and the babies were going after she gave birth?

Aniki's picture

Where do you suggest she go??

Where do you suggest she go?? She is a minor living with one of her bio parents. The BM apparently doesn't want SD and her twins, but OP's DH DOES.

OP's DH seems to be fine with his daughter being under his (their) roof. He is not making her give up the babies for adoption - he is helping her.

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is a situation where the

This is a situation where the person who SHOULDN'T have to lose anything or make a hard choice is going to be the one to lose. It's unfair, and unfortunate, but it's the reality of a bad step situations going straight to Hades.

Dad can't throw his minor child out. OP can't force him to move out. OP can't force SD and the babies to move out. The only person and situation she can control is herself and her own.

It's unfair on every level. It's sad. But Dad can't abandon his daughter without real, legal, bad consequences. This is the stuff of steplife nightmares, and OP can only control her own life in this situation, even if it means losing her home and DH.

ESMOD's picture

I suppose that if she is

I suppose that if she is prepared to pull a "nuclear option" and she IF is the owner of the home free and clear (owned prior to marriage.. DH hasn't been a part of paying for it etc).. she could decide to divorce and evict him (and by association his child and grandchildren). Otherwise, if this is a marital home, or if it is in his name.. her only real choice is to leave herself if she can't stay sane there. And.. yep... it is a crappy situation.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't like this situation

I don't like this situation at all. I wholeheartedly believe the SD is way too young to be a mother, and her life is now forever changed.

As so many have pointed out, though, this girl's father isn't going to tell her leave no matter how much OP wants her to. He also can't force her to give up the babies for adoption. In fact, it sounds like he would discourage her from giving them up.

Yeah, all of this sucks, but the only OP can control is how she reacts to it. Her choices seem fairly limited. Remove herself from the situation, or tell her DH and SD to remove themselves.

ESMOD's picture

Well, she could also try to

Well, she could also try to find it in her heart to find some peace and accept the situation and try to help.

IDontCare3117's picture

True, but I think the OP

True, but I think the OP feels too much resentment for the situation/BM/SD/SD's twins to find any peace or want to help.

ESMOD's picture

I know.. maybe some

I know.. maybe some counseling to help her work through those feelings?

stepmum-mark2's picture

Letting them out in the air

Letting them out in the air especially after a feed is what is recommended to help with cracking and soreness. She's just doing a normal thing, its not sexual at all. Kudos to her for even trying, at her age and with twins - breastfeeding is HARD and this kid is doing her best - and her father is doing his best.

You know we always say taking care of the kids needs is his priority, and that is what he is doing right now. This isn't Disney Dad behaviour, he's stepping up for his kid who needs him more than you do right now.

It's unfortunate for you, but if you can't deal with it then you need to move aside for a while and let them sort themselves out.

Acratopotes's picture

You are doing it to yourself,

You are doing it to yourself, obviously they are not coping, why not give a hand. Yes SD made a mistake, she have the twins... her father is trying to help her,

I can not stand my SD, I have reasons long enough to go around the world 100 times, but belief me if she should fall pregnant I will help her..... not financially, i did not join the pleasure but I will help her to calm the baby and how to care for it.... your DH does not see tits and get horny... it's his daughter and she's still a baby in his eyes, he's only trying to help.... you can help as well and try and make the best out of this shitty situation.

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Cutter's picture

Can you just decide to start

Can you just decide to start testing kids from that party? What is the law regarding that? As a parent I wouldn't let my son be tested if she was saying she was rapped.

MrsZipper's picture

If this was my daughter I

If this was my daughter I would feel no urgency to throw my daughters rapist into the mix at such a vulnerable time. I would focus on DD and the first few months with baby and achieving some sense of normalcy. Involve the police at a later time when they can handle the investigation and arrest. I can't imagine any parent encouraging their daughter to try to coparent with her rapist.

Merrywey's picture

Well not much left unsaid in

Well not much left unsaid in prior comments but have to agree that you need to figure out what you want and can live with. It saddens me to read so many disagreeing with dad IRT to stepping up to the plate for his daughter and gkids. This whole situation sucks but it sounds like he is trying to do the right thing for the BABIES. This is a messy, hard and unplanned event but that changes nothing about the reality.
And as the mom of twins who breastfed I was sooooooo tired I didn't care who saw my breasts. Give your SD some credit for trying to breast feed, it is hard with one, you have no idea how hard it is with two babies. You are constantly in feed mode those first few months. It is not disgusting, or sexual or something that is shameful and to be hidden.
I realize this must be a struggle for you and see no good outcome honestly. You aren't going to change your DH. You need to figure out what you need and want for your life.

—

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. "
Maya Angelou

Dreary's picture

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know what you are saying is what I need to hear but it doesn't make it any easier. I know breastfeeding is normal and she should, I have zero issue with that. It's the fact that she takes her shirt and bra off to do it in the living room, or pops her breast out of her tank top to nurse. I won't lie, I want to nurse a baby. I want a baby and last night I fantasized while holding the little girl that she was mine. It hurts to know that this little twit has 2 and it's only the beginning for her while I can't have any. I wanted to ask dh to try adopting with me but I see him consumed with sd and her twins now, I'm not sure he would. Thanks for letting me vent and not being horrid to me.

WagiMorri's picture

Are you in therapy?

Are you in therapy?

Dreary's picture

No. Dh and I tried and tried

No. Dh and I tried and tried for kids and it never worked so we kind of accepted it. We talked about adopting but that was in the future if we couldn't get pregnant. We decided to take a year off and now this.

ESMOD's picture

Do you think that it would

Do you think that it would appeal to SD to be relieved of her responsibility here? Do you think that she would allow you and your DH to adopt the babies? Would your DH try to go that route with her. Obviously it would be an "open" adoption and you would most likely still have SD and to an extent BM in your and the children's lives.. but it might be a solution.

Aniki's picture

IMHO, you could benefit

IMHO, you could benefit greatly from therapy at this time. You are extraordinarily upset and that's not always the best time to make life-changing decisions.

I understand your desire to have a child and feelings of jealousy and resentment over someone else getting that and not you. Please take into consideration the fact that SD, practically a child herself, was raped. Regardless of the circumstances, it is obviously difficult for your DH to see HIS child hurting and confused and overwhelmed and not wanting to see his grandbabies adopted and out of his and SD's lives. I think he's kind of 'flying by the seat of his pants' and trying to do what he can to make things work and keep it together.

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Dreary's picture

The rape, well because she

The rape, well because she said she was rapped people believe her and I know society says I must also. It's just weird to me that she talks about a potential rapist like a boyfriend and facetimes him with the babies. I'm not saying a rape victim must act a certain way but I just don't believe it. Sd has slipped and said somethings and her friends have joked on facebook about her being a ho and not knowing who the daddies are. I offered to take dh to this potential rapist house and talk to his parents and she freaked out saying don't say he raped me.

hereiam's picture

It's just weird to me that

It's just weird to me that she talks about a potential rapist like a boyfriend and facetimes him with the babies.

It is very likely that she was not raped and just said that to avoid the backlash. The boy and his parents should be on the hook to take on some of this responsibility.

Either way, she has 2 babies that need to be taken care of.

Aniki's picture

^^Yes. And grandpa seems

^^Yes. And grandpa seems determined to help her and NOT lose his grandbabies.

—

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

WagiMorri's picture

I really wish you would do

I really wish you would do less focusing on what this child is doing with her life like approving of it or disapproving of it will change your circumstances. She had children, seemingly without effort, and now her father (your husband) is helping raise those children... You have been trying to have children of your own without success, and now you are jealous of her effortless "success" at having two at once. Seek therapy. Don't put this off, don't try to suffer through it, just see a therapist because these are real issues and you need someone who is going to focus on helping YOU.

IDontCare3117's picture

^^^ This makes me seriously

^^^ This makes me seriously doubt the rape story. You're right that there's no set way for a rape victim to act, but talking about him like a boyfriend and Facetiming with him seems off-kilter.

Frankly, whether SD wants you to talk this boy's parents or not is immaterial at this point. No matter how these babies were conceived, he and his parents now have a responsibility to them.

ESMOD's picture

I suppose there is a real

I suppose there is a real possibility that there was no "rape"... but a very immature girl who said that because she is terrified of her situation and doesn't want to get blamed "more".

She probably wouldn't want to have to admit to her parents that she got into this mess because of her own stupidity, ignorance, carelessness etc. It's also possible that there was some element of non-consensual relations and that the boy is acting a bit "boyfriendy" in the hopes that she won't press charges. She may have actually liked the boy and be flattered by this attention and doesn't want to get her crush in trouble.

My mom, who would claim to be a strong, feminist woman told me that she thought there would be a lot fewer cries of date-rape if guys would call the girl the next day. I'm not saying that is really a good way of viewing things.. and non-consensual is wrong, but I can see how that could play out.

WagiMorri's picture

Key thing here: "she talks

Key thing here: "she talks about a potential rapist like a boyfriend and facetimes him with the babies. "

What does this mean? A potential rapist? He's either the one who did it or not, if OP doesn't know, then this is yet another unhealthy distraction to fixate on.

WagiMorri's picture

I highly suggest that you

I highly suggest that you seek out a therapist to help you cope with what is happening right now.

Merrywey's picture

I acknowledge that I can't

I acknowledge that I can't possibly understand your pain or how hard this must be for you. It does seem so unfair that this young girl can be so unprepared to be a mother and you who desire it so much can't have what she has right now. This whole situation sucks. It does and it seems truly that there is no right way that doesn't result in more hurt and pain all around. I agree with other posters -- please consider counseling for your self. Most normal human beings would be struggling with this. You deserve some one to help you through this and to find clarity on what you need in your life.

—

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. "
Maya Angelou

stepmomfromhell's picture

Adoption of the twins sounds

Adoption of the twins sounds a whole lot better than kicking dh his daughter and the twins out.
This would be the best option if it could be pulled off.

Why not talk to dh about adoption of the twins, and since he is getting very bonded to these babies he just might take you up on the suggestion. Your Sd is too young and still growing at 15 and is still a child going to school. It would also be a burden lifted off of her and a blessing for you and Dh.

Good Luck & keep us updated on your situation.

IDontCare3117's picture

It's sweet you think SD wants

It's sweet you think SD wants to give up her children, or that DH wants to see her give them up even if it were to him and OP. SMH

stepmomfromhell's picture

Sd knows very well that

Sd knows very well that having a baby, and in her case twins is far too young, and she also knows that she needs to remain in school and that she's a minor and has no business having babies at her age. Where I come from a 15 yr old would have a hard time legally keeping custody of a child and the parents of said teen could get guardianship of any newborn(s). The fact of the matter is this world is a big place and with each country comes a set of different laws in regarding children.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't know what country

I don't know what country you're in, but I believe the OP is in the United States. Here the children cannot be legally taken from their parent(s) just based on the parents' ages. No, she doesn't need to be having children at 15. Fact of the matter is, though, she did have them at 15, and she can't be forced to give them up for adoption just because she's a minor.

still learning's picture

OP, I can only imagine the

OP, I can only imagine the chaos that has descended upon your household, it went from 2 to 5 people overnight. A teenager is stressful enough then add twins into the mix, wow. It looks like DH is plan "A" and the only plan for caring for SD and the twins. BM will come and play grandma once in a while but that's the extent of her helping.

Do you have somewhere you can go or someone to visit so you can take a break from the situation for awhile and do some thinking?

—

And now I'll do what's best for me.

Dreary's picture

No and I won't because this

No and I won't because this is my house.

still learning's picture

You are a saint for allowing

You are a saint for allowing SD and the twins to come to your home. I hope it all works out for everyone involved.

—

And now I'll do what's best for me.

Dreary's picture

My co-worker just reminded me

My co-worker just reminded me that Sept. 1st bm is going to expect her paycheck, child support, from dh. He pays $2500 a month and that is a huge portion of what bm and her boyfriend live off of. She gets child support for her 3 other kids but I doubt they pay as much as dh. My co-worker thinks she will get sd back right before the first and take everything dh brought for the twins. She thinks this was bms way of milking dh out of money. I don't know though. I called dh and asked him and he laughed and said he could use a break.

hereiam's picture

She can't take the stuff your

She can't take the stuff your DH bought, unless he gives it to her, and I would not recommend that.

Dreary's picture

If we are both at work and

If we are both at work and she takes everything to bms house we aren't there to stop her.

ESMOD's picture

It would be a good idea for

It would be a good idea for him to keep the items in the event that the girl turns around and comes back.

He should also be keeping track of how long/often the girl stays with him. It may be something he can use to change support or custody in the future.

Unfortunately, the majority of the money spent was not really ON the SD... but his grandchildren so wouldn't really warrant any CS offset.

Goodluck's picture

Oyyyy veyyyyy Tell us again

Oyyyy veyyyyy

Tell us again why NO one has pursued rape charges? Is it just because she became pregnant and MOM and DAD (bm and dh) didn't want to upset her?

Rape is rape regardless. Shocking and agreed disturbing her parents didn't follow thru.

Dh's daughter is, what, 15? And a mother of two newborn twins, raped by multiple teen boys? AND the hospital didn't call child services?????? Interesting.

Didn't the hospital Social worker become involved??????

What services is sd receiving now from the state? Just curious.

I hope your dh doesn't loose his job THEN what?

Good Luck !!

—

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called β€œparental alienation”.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why aren't there criminal

Why aren't there criminal charges and DNA testing???

Why isn't dad calling the police abd tell them names of those boys? He knows at least one.

I love dogs's picture

Will filing for full custody

Will filing for full custody and child support have BM welcoming SD into her home again?

stepmomfromhell's picture

I'm wondering where Sd's

I'm wondering where Sd's legal address is, and if it would be the same as the twins, or is the twins address with Dh and OP.

If Bm wants Sd back for cp, would the twins move with Sd or will they have to remain at Dh if that's where their legal address is?

IDontCare3117's picture

The twins would go with their

The twins would go with their PARENT - SD. Addresses have nothing to do with this.

You are still trying to contrive some way to force SD to give up her children. Not...going...to...happen.

stepmomfromhell's picture

She's 15..... How in the

She's 15..... How in the world can a 15 year old put children on insurance when she's too young to apply for insurance for herself? How can she even apply for a job at her age? She's too young to vote, too young to drive, too young to live on her own, so how can she be old enough to care for babies?

She biologically can get pregnant and deliver babies, but not old enough to keep them, someone else may have to do that for her since she is NOT an adult.

IDontCare3117's picture

I've explained this to you

I've explained this to you before. NO ONE, no matter what age, prior to having a child has to agree to have insurance for the child, have a job, have their own place, be able to vote or be able to drive. We wouldn't need welfare if that were the case. That still doesn't mean someone can legally take their children from them. You can try to find some loophole that a teenage mother should have to hand over her child(ren) simply because she is a minor, but there isn't one.

This is not a hard concept.

stepmomfromhell's picture

It's neglect if you can't

It's neglect if you can't supply medical, food, a home, clothing and education. These are the basics, And if these things are ignored then someone else has to pick up the slack. That's where Dh & Op come in.

IDontCare3117's picture

So I guess this means all the

So I guess this means all the adult parents who can't afford health insurance for their kids, who do struggle to feed and clothe their kids, and also struggle to get their kids a decent education should be forced to give up custody of their children. That's your definition of neglect. Shouldn't it apply to adults as well?

Here's the bottom line: OP and her DH can help SD as much or as little as they want. They do not get to take her children from her just because she is a minor. They do not get to force SD to let them adopt her kids.

You're still entertaining this fantasy that these twins are the PERFECT solution to OP's desire to be a mother. They are nothing of the sort. It's batcrap crazy for you to think they are and to keep proposing insane ways to force SD to hand over the children to OP and her DH. It's been plainly explained to you that legally will not happen.

Livingoutloud's picture

Education? Public education

Education? Public education is free in the US. Medical? So people without health insurance should give up their children? I am pretty sure SD is on state insurance etc Are you for real?

stepmomfromhell's picture

Children having children fall

Children having children fall through the cracks, their futures not so bright. When the Sd reaches the age of majority she will end up struggling, so will her children. I don't see anything good coming from this. So why is my opinion wrong for wanting to see a bright future for these twin babies?

I guess you don't understand how many babies born to teens ending up struggling and going without the basic of human needs?

Livingoutloud's picture

No one is saying that

No one is saying that teenagers should be having kids or that children don't need to have their needs met.

Several people already explained to you though that your insistence on taking these children away from their mother and giving them to someone else isn't how things work. I don't think I need to explain same thing. Just scroll up abd read it.

stepmomfromhell's picture

Yes, I know what they're

Yes, I know what they're saying, but to approve of teen girls having babies is not going to fix the problem. It seems to me that they don't hear my side of the issue of why I oppose teens getting pregnant and ruining their lives, and the lives around them

lieutenant_dad's picture

I believe everyone

I believe everyone understands where you are coming from regarding teens not getting pregnant. Many would probably agree with you. My DH would agree with you having been a teen dad himself. However, the situation is that these babies exist, and SD is still a minor. OP's DH would be in a real pickle legally if he pushed his minor daughter into failure, and he could end up not just paying CS for SD, but also for the babies. Legally, unless SD asks and receives emancipation, DH is responsible for her wellbeing. Morally, by extension, he is responsible for those babies, especially if he wishes to adopt them in the future. No court would allow him to adopt babies that he left destitute in order punish his daughter for getting pregnant and possible putting those in a life-threatening situation (i.e. leaving them with a destitute mother who has no home and no ways of taking care of herself). Sure, the babies may end up adopted that way, but it would kill both SD and DH.

Also, there is nothing that legally can be done right now to take those babies from OP's SD. Since OP's DH is covering the cost of the food and housing, and I'm assuming they are on Medicaid as they were probably enrolled at the hospital to cover their neonatal care, there is no neglect. The US doesn't require the parent to be the one to tale care of children; the US just requires that children be taken care of. The foster system here is so overloaded that, so long as the basics are being met by someone in SD's family and SD allows it, CPS won't intervene.

The only legal ways that those babies will be put up for adoption is if SD chooses to do it or SD tries to break out on her own and fails.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't think anyone who has

I don't think anyone who has posted on these blogs has approved of a 15 year old getting pregnant or would approve of it. No one has glorified this situation or thought it was a magnificent idea for a girl this young to get pregnant.

People have heard your side of the issue. It has been one cockamamie idea after another to try to get those twins away from their mother and into the arms of the OP all because the mother is a minor. You refuse to accept that's not going to happen.

Keep opposing teenage girls getting pregnant. I don't know of anyone who won't agree it's a hugely bad idea. Get it into your head, though, babies of teen mothers can't get legally taken away based strictly on the mother's age.

Disneyfan's picture

Give it up already. She isn't

Give it up already.

She isn't the first teen to have a child snd she won't be the last.

There are programs in place to help teen moms. She can apply for Medicaid for herself and the babies. She can enroll in a high school for teen parents. Those school have onsite day care centers. There are social workers, therapists...on site to help the parents navigate through this. They will do all they can to ensure the parents graduates and go to college or trade school.

—

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

stepmomfromhell's picture

**She isn't the first teen to

**She isn't the first teen to have a child snd she won't be the last.**

This is why there's so many children born of teen mum's in Foster Care.

Disneyfan's picture

BM WANTS the SD and grandkids

BM WANTS the SD and grandkids to live with her. However, her SO won't allow it and gave her an ultimatum.

Unfortunately, BM picked her SO over her child and grandchildren. Barf!

—

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

FieryEscape's picture

Well if that really is the

Well if that really is the case then the Father needs to be given full custody and no more $2500 in CS to BM every month and BM can start paying CS

ntm's picture

About the boobies, this girl

About the boobies, this girl needs a lactation consultant. Someone who has nursed babies before and can productively help. Having DH try to fill that role is really weird. The ob/gyn should be able to recommend a good lactation consultant.

notarelative's picture

Somewhere in these posts it

Somewhere in these posts it was noted that the 15 year old mom is not signed up for any services. Not a good idea. At a very minimum someone needs to guide the mom to getting her child health care (unless grandpa's health care covers grandchildren of minor children). These babies need well checks and vaccinations.

The mom is 15. She needs to be in school. Many schools have day care. Someone needs to call the school and find out what is available (as mom is still at the age of compulsory schooling in most places in the U.S.).

Breastfeeding is difficult for many first time moms. SD is 15 so does not have peers with experience to help her. The dad is all she has to help right now. If there is a branch of the La Leche League near, someone could contact them and get this girl some breastfeeding advice from an experienced person.

Since the girl is a minor, and there is child support involved, dad needs to contact his lawyer. If the girl and babies are living with him full time one would think he shouldn't be paying CS to BM. But, if nothing is filed the current support order is in place and enforceable.
Dad also needs to ask his lawyer if his CS would be increased if the girl and babies move back to BM's.

Dreary, this is an extremely difficult situation with no good answers. Please consider going to therapy to work through this.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

So I have a different opinion

So I have a different opinion in all of this. Changing your mindset on this situation could 100% flip how you see this. You wanted babies, this is your chance on a golden platter. Baby crying? "Don't get up Gigi's got her." Needs a diaper? "Mimi's got it." These babies need a gigi/Mimi/ whatever else name you want to come up with and IDGAF what kind of crazy looks you get the first few days, after a week this girl is gonna be saying "grandma fancy pants can you take the babies while I go see the biebs" or whatever else 15 year olds do. You are going to have to put yourself into the position that you want.

DaniellaR's picture

Yeah I'm sure the babies

Yeah I'm sure the babies won't be used to completely emotionally blackmail her inthe future...

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

This child probably won't

This child probably won't have custody of these babies long enough to spell the word blackmail.

DaniellaR's picture

How you figure? You haven't

How you figure? You haven't heard of numerous cases of crackheads getting their kids back? In the ER we have tons of parents trying to leave their kids. CPS tries their damnedest to not have to take custody....I have talked to many remote relatives and it doesn't matter who they are really, as long as they will come pick the kid up. Unless the SD decides she wants to give the twins up, they aren't going anywhere.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

I just have a feeling like it

I just have a feeling like it won't be long before she gives them up. After the new wears off she is going to be hit with the hard parts of parenting and trying to finish high school.