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Bm came for sd and the babies

Dreary's picture

I knew she would and so did dh so he had a talk with sd. He started off asking her what her life will be like at bms house. Will she and the babies have her own room? No. She will have to share with her little sister. They planned to put the pack in play in the corner so the twins, sd and the kids have their own room here. Dh asked sd who would buy formula and she said she would get welfare. DH asked her if that was what she wanted and she said no. Dh asked her what her relationship with bms boyfriend is like and she hates him, he asked her about me and she said I was okay.

Dh told her about bms texts and told sd it was her choice on what life style she wanted for herself and her kids and he would support her either way. He told her he pays $2500 a month for her at her moms and would pay it for her here. He would give her $1000 a month cash ( he would make sure it's used for the babies and a little left over for her) for baby items - diapers, formula and whatever the babies needed and pay for daycare for her to go back to school. If she was to leave this option will not be offered again or back if she leaves and comes back. When she turns 16 dh will get her a car but she will have to work for gas and insurance. When she is 18 and goes to college dh told her he will still be there to help and make sure she is okay. He told her he would be her rock and make sure she is okay as long as she does HER PART. He told her living here means a college education and help with the babies until she graduates, will bm offer the same. She said no.

Bm showed up while sd was thinking over what dh said. I'm not happy bm was in my house but dh said it was kinda unavoidable. Bm freaked the hell out and was pissed. She promised sd everything she could think of but we already offer her that - support, help and babysitting.

Sd told her she was staying and dh had to call the police to get bm to leave. Bm tried to get the police to make sd leave since she has custody but since sd has children at our house the police declined to make sd leave.

Sd was balling her eyes out when I got hom and she kept telling me she had to do what was best for her kids. She let me hug her and rub her back a little. After about 30 minutes she seemed over the drama and started talking about dual enrollment at school where she can earn college credits while in high school and she wants to be a pharmacist. Dh looked up some programs on line and sd kept saying, do you think I can do it? Your going to help me right? I can do this and I can make a life for them.

I heard the babies crying around 1 this morning so I got up to help sd and she must have thanked me 5 times and she told me she is thankful for me. FOR ME!!! One baby had diarrhea and a diaper rash so we put cream on her and I slept with her on my chest till about 4 when she wanted to eat again.

I'm not getting my hopes up that they stay but I told dh he made her a hell of an offer and if she throws it away she is crazy. He said he knows and he hates that he had to bribe her to stay but he is happy they are staying.


ESMOD's picture

I'm sure it won't be a bumpless road for you all, but hopefully SD is not a complete idiot and can see clearly that you and your DH are offering her the moon and that her mother's intentions are not totally pure.

Amcc13's picture

I think that overall your dh handled the situation last night well.
Your not through the woods yet by any means but it's a good start
Get those custody orders filed ASAP

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don't see it as bribing. It's the facts as it is.

He did exactly what he should have. She stays he can make sure she and the babies are ok. She goes to mom and she'd be on her own the second his money stopped coming in.

Again it's going to be hard and there will be some back and forth but it seems like your sd is focused on what matters.

Good of you for helping out. I'd use this as a chance to clean the slate in a way. I'm not saying don't remember but let her new behavior dictate your guys relationship if you can.

Her asking for help is fine as long as she does the work too which right now it sounds like she will. Yeah that means more work for you and your DH but focus in the future. It's worth it I think.

hereiam's picture

I don't see it as a bribe, he was just laying out what he is willing to do to help her have a decent life for her and her babies.

BM and her BF only want SD for the child support, they will be of NO support to SD. She would end up with no education and on welfare for the rest of her life or hook up with some loser just to get out of BM's. Not to mention, they bailed on her once, they would do it again.

It's going to be hard, no doubt, on ALL of you, but it sounds like SD is willing to work hard to make a life for her and her children.

I hope it all works out.

Disneyfan's picture

He did bribe her, but who cares. He's trying his best to keep his child from being a statistic.

It's going to be a long, hard road for all of you. Like all teens, she will slip up and make stupid choices from time to time.

You all will make it through this. Those babies are lucky to be in your home.

5became1's picture

I'm glad BM did not get what she wanted. I am sick and tired of women using their children as pawns for cash, manipulation, etc. So F-ing sick of it. Brownie points for your DH for stopping BM in her tracks. Brownie points for your SD for recognizing you. I hope things go well with SD and her kids and I hope things continue to get better for your family.

moving_on_again's picture

Ya, agree with others, not a bribe. Those are just things parents do. However, BM is going to flip when she gets served and be prepared for even better offers from BM. Poor SD. I know she's got a lot of issues but it seems like she is at least recognizing somewhat of the mess she has made.

DaniellaR's picture

I'm kinda confused on how the Skid would get on welfare?? Is the BM thinking this? How do you get one welfare when you have $2500 in CS. Don't they usually go after the dad's when a mother applies for welfare? Well in the skids case, the dad was paying CS already, which I am pretty sure disqualifies her for welfare. Now WIC income limits are pretty high, a lot of working people qualify. With twins she has a good chance of getting help with the formula and even if she stays with y'all, look in to it. I like the WIC program and don't mind tax money going to that one bit. Well, if the SD applies for welfare, at least it will put pressure on her to find the baby daddy. The government doesn't like paying for kids with no father to go after for CS.

Disneyfan's picture

People get welfare all the time without naming a father. It's the biggest scam out there. As long as a father isn't listed on the birth certificate and the mothers say they don't know who the fathers are, there isn't a thing the case workers can do. They can't chase a ghost.

justkeepstepping's picture

Disney is right. I've seen several men get CS paperwork in the mail for a child they knew nothing about. My husband was one of them. The women file for welfare and either don't know who the father is or doesn't want to admit it and gives them random guys names. After they test so many guys, It's 3 here, they stop looking and just give them the welfare.

Dreary's picture

Bm would get her into every program available for every extra cent she could. Dh is offering sd a life without any government assistance. Dh will pay for the formula, no need for the tax payers to when he is able.

Disneyfan's picture

"Dh is offering sd a life without any government assistance. Dh will pay for the formula, no need for the tax payers to when he is able."

I wish more people felt like this. Sad

SourGrapes's picture

I appreciate this too! Ultimately, your DH is also helping your daughter learn the importance of self sufficiency so that in the future she's not dependent on anyone else to help her support her children. The fact that she's looking to take college credits and choosing a career path is a testament to that. It seems as though BM would be more than happy to have SD get on the endless merry-go-round of government assistance. I understand why it's so hard for people to get off of it once they're on it, even though it makes me livid that people are allowed to make it a lifestyle.

It's not easy for a 15 year old to stand up to a parent, but she put the welfare of her children first which I think is pretty impressive. What I think is HORRIFYING is that BM is fine with putting not only her own children, but also her newborn grandchildren, in a sub-par living situation to further her own financial needs. She sounds like a hideous human being.

Aniki's picture

Meh, if some consider it a bribe, so be it. I look at is as your DH outlining an excellent plan for SD and her babies. A plan for a FUTURE where SD can make her way in the world and be a good mother AND provider to her children.

It's very likely that BM will continue to create drama and try to get SD and her babies to move back. After all, she doesn't want to lose that $2500. If everyone continues to compare a good future for SD and babies versus the drama and chaos of life with BM, it will (hopefully) work out for the best.

SourGrapes's picture

I'm having a tough time figuring out why anyone would construe what her DH offered as bribery. As you said, he laid out concrete plans to provide support for SD and her children. His support will eventually allow SD to graduate from high school and college and become financially independent. I'm sure it's difficult for a child to have to choose between her parents like that, which is maybe why DH had to lay it all out there so that SD could make a responsible decision rather than one based on guilt laid on by BM.

DH is spending the $2500 per month either way, so it's not as though there is a financial advantage for him to "bribe" SD to stay. It seems pretty clear to me that he wants what is best for his family and that he thinks that he can provide a better life for them than BM can. From what I've read, I agree 100%. DH motives are in SD's best interest while BM's motives are based on greed.

Aniki's picture

Grape, I also think BM's motives are greed-based. She cares more about that money that SD and the babies.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Wow! She is showing hope by making this decision!

Good for you and your SO for making this offer! Fingers crossed for you all!

still learning's picture

Good for your DH. His conditions are reasonable and SD is getting a great deal and the support she needs. The only other condition I would add is that SD gets on birth control.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

We can hope that wouldn't even be an issue. I mean the girl has two surly she'll jump at the chance of making sure no more surprises come along.

BethAnne's picture

Pharmacy would provide her with a great career but from what I know it does require very good grades. I hope that she makes it. It sounds like her kids ar helping her realize that she needs to become responsible for her future and her dad is showing her that she can have a good future for her and them even if it is hard work, at least she has a reason to succeed now. She is ahead of many her age.

If she is interested in pharmacy she might want to look at becoming a pharmacy tech in the mean time to get some experience and decide if it is the right path for her, I don't believe that the requirements and courses are too tricky and it usually pays slightly above minimum wage.

Aniki's picture

My niece works in a pharmacy as a tech; not a pharmacist. She makes good money - just bought her first house.

BethAnne's picture

Also op, do you have a therapist? Things seem to be going ok for now but I know you had doubts before about having babies in your house. It might be worth having someone to talk things through with for when issues come up and you need to work through your feelings.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Sounds like you and your husband are really offering his daughter a real shot. It's really wonderful. It's a long road, but perhaps it'll be less bumpy going forward.

Maxwell09's picture

I would only consider it a bribe if the girl was strictly in it for the money SHE will receive, but it sounds as if she's decided to stay based on the opportunities not the money handed to her.

stepmomfromhell's picture

I can see if your Dh and you don't get custody of sd and the twins, you will end up having a legal battle over the twins, Sd will end up battling her bm for control over her twins and this could end up one hell of a mess. Have you got in contact with a lawyer about this? If not I would lawyer up ASAP, for sd and the twin's sake.

Acratopotes's picture

see told you, let SD calm down and she will make you part of her life and you will help with the twins. It's a human thing.

DH needs to file for guardianship over the twins, this only means if SD is not available he has say and BM can't do a thing about it. I would not file for custody, simply guardianship. (If possible in your state)

Oh and what Dh did is not bribing it's facts, Ihope SD realize what responsibility she has no and does good by her words and thoughts, her asking the whole time do you think I can do it, she should be told, yes you can do anything you put your mind to kiddo, there's nothing in this world you can't do.... just put your mind to it.

Remember SD is 15, emotionally still a child not yet an adult,