Son is sick
SO's 4 year old is sick. Not life threatening but BM did take him to the doctor and get him some medication.
I encouraged SO to call and talk to his son just because.
He didn't.
This is one of the hardest things. I'm not stepmom and even if I was I most likely wouldn't be able to call. BM wouldn't allow it. I ask SO to because I feel it's important. I think his son would have liked to hear from him and most of all I can't.
That's one of the hardest things that breaks my heart. I was miserable last night because it's a reminder of all the things I will never be able to do because I'm not his real parent. I can love him, care for him, support him, I can do it all but when it comes down to it when he's with BM I'm nothing and if anything happens to me and his dad I would be nothing.
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While some of that is true...
While some of that is true... as he gets older and can communicate independently, you CAN contact him without having to go through BM. I can text or call either of my SD's and I don't have to coordinate it with DH or BM. (both adults now ... but once they had cell phones, mom can't control that).
I do hope that is true. This
I do hope that is true.
This whole thing is just stirring up a lot of my worries and fears. It's hard because SO doesn't fully understand. He tries to but he just says "You are their mother too" but then stuff like this happens and will keep happening.
BM has been a bit nicer to me lately. I'm not holding my breath but MAYBE we can get to a point where she "allows" me to care for the kids too if that makes sense.
When you have your own kids,
When you have your own kids, then your focus will shift. I care for my SDs and SGD (searching for some stuff to buy her as we speak and I worry if she is sick), but my heart does not ache when I don't speak to them. I And I don't suffer because I don't get to be their biological mother. But I do worry sick about my DDs doctors visit etc etc
Great post and great
Great post and great comparison with nephews and nieces. I love mine deerly. I worry if there is something serious or wrong with them but I don't go crazy if they have a cold and I don't have urgent desire to call them all the time. It's not because I don't care but because it's s nature of a relationship. And they are my family and have been in my life for many many years!
I really don't buy it about loving skids as your own. Why? They do have parents. I don't think it's even blood thing. One of my nephews is adopted but I feel the same about him as my other nephew. My brother and SIL are his parents. Even if not bio. But I am not their parent no matter how much I love them.
Kids of a SO aren't yours either (hypothetical yours), they have a mother.
My DD has excellent SM. I somehow doubt she is suffering not being DD's mother. I'd be surprised if that was the case. Why would she wished she was DDs mother. DD has a mother
I don’t feel love is
I don’t feel love is something that has to be limited to only those in your direct family. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with me being concerned for any child I know let alone one that lives in my home. One I care for part time. One who is the offspring of the man I intend to marry.
I’ve wanted to call before for all sorts of things. I understand that my role does not allow that unless their mother and I come to different terms. Maybe that would happen. I feel it would be wonderful for the children if it did but since we’re not there I won’t cause problems. I respect her place as their mother. I understand it’s tough to have someone else helping to raise your child which while I’m with their father I am doing in some form. I may not be their mother but I am an adult to cares for them and wishes only the best.
I’ve wanted to call for so many things but haven’t. Once because A had lost a little toy and I found it. I would have loved to have called her that night to tell her because she was so concerned that she misplaced it. I would love to call in the future after her soccer games to know how she did. I would love to be able to call now to let M know I’m thinking of him and think he’s a big brave boy for going to the ER and taking the medicine for his mom.
Yes I do call my friends and family when I find out they or their children our ill because I feel that sometimes verbal support can go so far. I don’t feel distressed because I’m able to actually do something. I can call. I can talk for a few moments. Let them know if they need me I’m there. Let them know I care and wish them well.
As a society we’ve made it odd to care about anyone but ourselves. We use to work together so much more. I remember when I was little another student in my grade but the other class got really hurt. Did my class say who care’s not our class mate? No we wrote letters wishing them well. We send care packages to strangers overseas. We participate in Angel Tree or Operation Christmas Child. Why is it wrong for me to take that effort and turn it towards a child I personally know.
I’m not talking about taking up hours of time to go over every single detail. Just Hey M hope you get better soon and can’t wait to see you next time. Done. I would feel better and I don’t think it would cause any harm to the child. I won’t because right now that’s not possible.
And yes I know caring like this hurts. I am in for a world of hurt. Anyone who steps into the role of a step parent knows that they will be hurt over and over again and they still do it because the joy makes it worth it.
Oh and if mom found out one of the kids got hurt or sick while they were with us and didn't call I'd wonder what was wrong with her personally since this is her blood child and that is suppose to run deep right? I'm not talking a little cough I'm talking ER visit like this was.
I believe we can love many
I believe we can love many people and not just family. Nobody says you shouldn't love SKs.
But you are upset you aren't his real parent. That's weird. I love my niece and my nephews very much but I am at no time upset that I Am not their real parent. It's kind of crazy making. They have parents.
There are many other people I love but I am not upset I am not their real parent. I love them in whatever role I am playing in their lives. You can love your skids without getting upset you aren't their real parent.
I'm not upset I'm not the
I'm not upset I'm not the children's mother. I'm upset because that prevents me from doing small things like calling them to tell them I hope they get better soon. From letting A know I found a toy see was rather upset about losing.
I'm upset at the rules placed on step parents. That apparently I'm wrong for being sad that he's sick and doesn't feel well.
I get it I do. But that doesn't mean it's easy to deal with.
So you are unable to wait
So you are unable to wait until SS gets to your house to speak to him? You feel upset you can't speak to him "right now"? that's weird. How often do you see SS, surely you can wait few days to see him?
Being worried about sick children is normal. Being upset you "aren't real parent"to SS is creepy (as other poster said). If not being a "real parent" is an issue for you then you shouldn't have dated men with children. Especially children who already have a mother.
Your post sound a bit creepy.
Your post sound a bit creepy. I get a I want BM out of the way so that I can be their mom vibe.
Even if you and BM were able to get along, that doesn't mean she is going to want you calling her house to speak to her children.
I understand your situation
I understand your situation and I feel your pain. With SKids, if they are with you most of the time, keep home for them, make sacrifices for them, then you are told you have no rights over them, can't discipline them, and if separating from DH, have no right to see them after. You essentially feel like a maid, minus the salary, so more like a slave. These situations can be extremely sad.