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Either won't or can't read

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Well so much for everything being calm.

BM has yet again misunderstood / refuses to read their proposed agreement on custody.

First off I understand without a court order their agreement isn't worth the paper it's printed on EXCEPT they have been using it and agreeing to it. It's been in use since the divorce and custody stuff was started in January. Hopefully it will be done soon but till then.....

The future order agrees to SO having the children an extended time in the summer. They had some back and forth over her becoming upset when she found out it applied to both children. He very clearly told her he did not want to change it and yet she went through the lawyers to try and trick them. He has his reasons for not wanting to change it with the biggest one bringing gives him the most time with the children. He only gets them every other weekend during the school year because of the distance. It's just not fair to make the kids ride an hour back and forth just to have dinner and go to bed.

Any ways lawyer called him up and was like "hey you know you only have M two weeks right " Umm nope look down two more paragraphs. Got that cleared up. So anyways they had it all worked out but now BM has it in her head that she gets the kids back week early. She's even already told the kids they'd be back and started making hoilday plans for the 4th of July which is his this year also. SO hasn't figured out what to do yet because of course he's gonna have to be the bad guy and tell the kids no.

This is the 3rd time she has been wrong about their agreement. Each time she throws a huge fit and make a a big deal about sending pictures of the agreement as if SO doesn't know it by heart. She is all happy following the "order" until it doesn't give her what she wants.

First time was Easter which is his on odd years. She sent pictures where it clearly says that on odd years he gets the kids. If it's an even year and his weekend he must return the kids by 9 AM on Sunday so she had it in her head that she'd get then that morning. Nope. Then she tried saying she got them back Saturday for Mother's Day. No again Sunday morning which he of course did even though she was working so the kids had to be dropped off at her families. Whatever her time she can do what she wants just would have been nice if she'd told the kids.

Anyways I know it always bothers SO. I don't have to deal with her directly but I do get the aftermath where SO just feels like crap. Until the court order is done he's always worried she will just refuse to let him have the kids. She's always gone along with the agreement in the end but normally it's up in the air till the last moment.

Ontop of her thinking she gets the kids back a week early she seems to think he doesn't get back his EOWE till they go back to school which completely off.

Comments

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Heaven you know nothing about his marriage. You don't know why it ended.

His ex was phsycailly abusive to him. She cheated on him multiple times. He didn't leave her she left him. They were together 8 years when one morning he woke up to her leaving for the last guy she cheated on him with.

Being a guy it's hard for people to believe he was the victim. He was worried about people wouldn't so he tried to make it work but I've talked to enough people who saw it happening as well as being able to watch his behavior. He's gotten alot better but he still finches when I get mad.

So I'm not sorry to tell you that your moral based comments won't fix this situation.

twoviewpoints's picture

The nut case knows how to read. There is no confusion. She just doesn't like what it says and is hoping Dad will cave 'for the children' *gag*

One thing that caught my attention was this one "It's just not fair to make the kids ride an hour back and forth just to have dinner and go to bed". The kids don't have to ride an hour anywhere. Dad can go to them, have dinner, spend some time in the park or when it's cold (if it gets cold whether you are) they can do a kiddie matinee. Your SO doesn't have to be home and at work until 9pm. He could have 4 to 8 on Tuesday and Thursdays or just Wednesdays.

While that may be a drag for Dad making the trip and doing the effort, by blowing off the chance of having his kids on an evening he really has little valid reason to say 'he can't' doesn't look good to a judge who has a guy sitting in his/her courtroom saying he wants time with his kids. Taking Wednesday evening doesn't necessarily mean Dad can't still ask and successfully receive 4-6 week summer visit. He may even find getting Wednesday evening and EOWE plus five weeks of summer along with rotating holidays gives him time with the kids better in that he stays connected to the kids every week.

I know when niece went through this a short time ago, every time her ex tried to change things and was unwilling to follow what they had already sorted out and agreed to, his lawyer came down on him pretty hard. Smacked him every time with 'do you really want the judge to see what an a*s you're being, or that you're turning this all into about you and not the child'.

And just a word of warning, because Dad and you both seem to be hanging a future CO (signed, sealed and delivered) as if it will be the thing that changes BM's crap. It won't. It will help, but it won't stop BM from being a turd. Yes, CO will give Dad the ability to file contempt, but face it, it's very expensive to do that each and every time. And most times the offender gets a hand smack (especially the first few times) and told to knock it off. Not much more. Member WALKONBY's husband ended up getting custody of his kids, but it took a long time and cost a pretty big penny. I don't remember exactly what details were, but she's still around, saddest thing ever, BM lost and BM walked away and has not seen her children since. It's been years.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

SO moved for multiple reasons including putting distance between him and her. Ontop of simple annoying things her behavior was impacting his job. She had gotten to the point she would leave the kids at his door when he had work. He would have to call in because he didn't have anyone to watch them and her response was "too bad don't care."

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It does not state every other weekend "during school." It's every other weekend and then has the exceptions for holidays including the extra time in the summer.

Livingoutloud's picture

One hour away isn't any kind of long distance. I drive an hour to work every day. It will look bad in court if dad says I want more custody but can't see kids more because of an hour drive. He could also live closer to the kids. When one is renting it's not that hard to move.

Again it's not going to look good in court that dad can't see kids more during school year because he moved away to live with his GF, especially while married.

Since there is no court order and they are married I don't see how BM or your BF could come to any kind of agreement. Technically either one of them can keep the kids whenever.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Moving is not an option. I have attempted to explain why the distance is there.

Why is it unreasonable for him to put a little space between him and a hostile ex as well as moving to a better area with more job options. Some people move across country to get those things.

He gave up Wednesdays because HE feels it was best for the kids to not have to travel like that in the middle of the week. He feels them having consistency during the school week is best for them.

He is also attempting to get them extra weekends to make up for it to which she is refusing. It's frustrating for him because she works extended hours in the weekends and the children are kept with her family the whole time. Which she has every right to do but I think most people would agree they should be with their dad. She does not see them at all after dropping them off Friday night or Saturday morning till she picks them up at school Monday.

If he did only go up there to have dinner with them it's not like she'd leave them alone. She's already shown she's not above following him to show up where he's at. It's not illegal for her to be in the same public place and it just creates a bad situation for everyone.

Let's also factor in money to do that. We're talking easily 30 extra every single week and that's feeding the kids crap fast food which he doesn't like to do.

He has his reasons for doing things this way. Judge him all you want but he is putting the children first the best way he knows how.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why does he need to feed kids fast food?

If extra 30 dollars a week isn't affordable, then how can he afford seeing kids more? Is he so destitute that 30 dollars is not affordable?

Kids don't need to travel to dad on Wednesday. He can see them. Take them to playground. Etc

It's ridiculous his wife shows up to places but he doesn't need to tell her where he is at. Also as long as they remain married it's hard for him to demand she won't show up to places.

The thing is what you are thinking isn't how courts will see it. They'll see it that he moved away and now can't see kids due to an hour distance. You said until meeting you he was too broke so he moved with you. That's how courts will see it. He made choices to live with GF away from kids so he can improve his living conditions and that's his excuse for not seeing them.

I understand he might have different reasoning why things happened, but that's not how it will look to a judge

twoviewpoints's picture

Being not legally divorced and finalized does not mean BM does as she pleases just because they are still married.

The filing began the process, they are now technically legally separate and with that comes into visitation rights and the laying out the parenting plan.

Livingoutloud's picture

I agree neither parent can do what they want. But op said they aren't legally separated. Ther us no court order to t. It's all up in the air at this pointb

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Until there is singed papers from the court they have an informal agreement which either of them can legally breech at any time. Now this agreement has been documented though the lawyers so it would hurt either parties case if they were to refuse to return the kids as they previously stated they would.

They are however working really hard to avoid an actually court battle though. By working through everything with the lawyers they hope to basicly have something to present to the judge and have it done. No fighting infront of the judge.

twoviewpoints's picture

So there has been no case management conference, mediation nor continued CMC at all so far in this case? Just two lawyers swapping proposals?

twoviewpoints's picture

Pack a picnic (food you already have, a bag of hot dogs to roast and marshmallows). Sit in the park. You go too, if and when you can. My area has $2 matinees. Swinging on the playground cost nothing.

You have to think the larger picture on some of these things. Extra weekends on top of the EOWE now, is no more less costly than every Wednesday. It's still the gas and feeding them more than Dad now currently does. I'm not personally 'fighting' , think of it of more what you'll find coming right back at you when the lawyers, parents and, worse yet, the court, view the situation. You're too involved and in the center of it to view it impartially and/or with an unbiased point.

BM deliberately following you around on Dad's visitation could be interfering with Dad's time . Sure she has to right to eat her dinner at McDonald's, but she does not have the right to follow Dad around while he's having his visitation evening. At some point it becomes stalking and harassment.

He could ask for the Wednesday in-between his EOWE , so it would be EOW.

I know you feel you are countering all the different suggestions people have tried giving you over the weeks since you joined. You feel you're justifying each movement and decision having being made to date, you try to counter. What you need to remember is neither you nor Dad will be the judge nor give the final opinion on any ruling.

I don't think you've thought this out and realized how a judge may slap you down with every counter/justification you attempt.