Just done...
I almost left last night because I told DH that he doesn't care about my feelings and that he put his kids before our marriage. He said that is not it he said that since he has partial custody of his kids that he is afraid if he discipline YSS that he is afraid that BM will try to take him back to court for abuse and then he will never get to see his kids. So I have a choice I can either stay and deal with all of this stuff or leave and never look back. I love my DH and I want my marriage for work. My DH isn't willing to listen to anything I have to say when it comes to his kids so I guess all of the babysitting that I am doing for him along with everything else to make his life easier should cease and I should let him solve his own problems since he cares more about how it looks to BM if he disciplines his kids so that he doesn't lose partial custody. I really don't know what to do in this situation. I really do love my DH and I want our marriage to work but it looks at though I will have to deal with all of this stuff if I really want my DH in my life.
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yes - disengage Hon....
yes - disengage Hon....
If you want your marriage to
If you want your marriage to work I think you should just be his wife and only his wife. He can figure his kids out on his own. I struggle to follow this advice as well.
Yeah I am learning that. He
Yeah I am learning that. He says that they are his kids and he doesn't need any advice from anyone on how his kids are raised so I pretty much said ok you deal with them then not my kids not my problem. I don't even want to have a kid with him now because of the way he is with his own kids. He lets his youngest get away with so much and I live in a stressful environment because of it. I have tried to like this kid and accept that this situation is what it is but, not I feel like why should I even care anymore and let DH dig his own grave.
Discipline is not necessarily
Discipline is not necessarily abuse. However, if your idea of discipline includes spanking or hitting a child or subjecting them to extreme physical situations.. then your idea of discipline could be interpreted as abusive.
I agree that if he were to try to impose corporal punishment on his kids, his BM would likely call it abuse and try to limit his time with his children. If YOU were to administer corporal punishment she would likely try to charge you with a crime and ensure you are never allowed access to the kids again.
So, while for some people spanking may be an option, in your DH's case.. it really isn't a smart one.
That does NOT mean he can't discipline his kids in other ways. Removing privileges, requiring a kid to write an essay about what they did wrong, giving them extra chores, taking away prized possessions and giving them time outs...and telling them what they are doing wrong. NONE of that would be considered abusive unless he is literally berating the children and calling them little POS's.
Yeah I give up ESMOD with
Yeah I give up ESMOD with this whole behavior thing with YSS. DH says that he should be able to be himself when he comes over which means waking me up at midnight so I cannot go back to sleep. Trying to get his own way all the time by manipulation and it turns out to be all my fault because I am a Nazi. I wasn't talking about hitting the kid. Last night I just simply said that if YSS doesn't want to eat dinner don't reward him by taking him to the store to get cookies. So he pretty much told me to mind my own business so I am going to try my hardest from now on and however this kid turns out is his problem.
If I was told to Mind MY Own
If I was told to Mind MY Own Business... I would be done too. I would likely be done with my DH too!
In your other response you mention you don't even want to have kids with him. Do you realize that by staying with this guy that YOU will not have your own children? You realize that you are going to resent that someday.. if you don't already.
No way would I do ONE thing for his kids and if his kid woke me up at midnight, I would have NO problem telling that kid in my best demon, red eyes glowing way that if he didn't PIPE DOWN, I would be in his room removing ever single thing but his bed and a blanket. If my DH said one word, I would swivel my head around on him and tell him that if HE won't be a man and parent his child and his kid is keeping YOU up that YOU will deal with it if he is too much of a wimp to do it himself. You can raise your kid the way you want until it interferes with MY ability to get my sleep.. then it's no longer just "your business" buddy.
SS didn't get cookies but he
SS didn't get cookies but he kept bugging DH to take him to the store of get some and he refused to eat the food that we cooked for dinner but, I do DH that if I wouldn't have said anything most likely SS would've got his way and he cookies. Which in turn he would've been bouncing off the walls and keeping me up last night plus he should eat something decent and not junk all the time. And yes my DH pretty much do my that his kids have the reign of MY house and I have no input on telling him how to raise his kids. He said that I need to let them be themselves and he is worried that they will go home and tell mommy that he was mean to them if he disciplines them.
What did you/dad prepare for
What did you/dad prepare for dinner last evening that kid rejected? Not so much that the food, itself, really matters. What would happen instead of fighting with kid about not eating, Dad bribed the kid to motivate reconsideration of sticking the fork in kid's mouth.
Something yummy looking but not packed with fat nor sugar. Sugar free Jello in a parfait glass with a dab of lite cool whip and a bit of fresh strawberries sliced on top? I have no idea if kid likes jello or not, but I'm using it as an example.
Yeah, I know, a lot of parents dislike 'treating'/'rewarding' a kid for doing something they should have just done in the first place. Eat the food. However Dad and you seem to disagree, you're suppose to be learning to disengage and Dad is chicken sh*t of BM.
Dad could try the same idea with other treat type foods. As a diabetic I have to seriously watch my carbs/sweets, but I use numerous 'safe' recipes for occasional treats that are ok for me to have a reasonable portion of. Dad could try (him, not you) homemaking a treat for occasional after dinner/ evening treats. Store bought cookies would be silly (whether kid eats or served dinner or not) if it causes other problems (sugar high?)
It was a dish that he likes
It was a dish that he likes he was just being a little brat like he always is.
Was he not hungry? Had he
Was he not hungry? Had he had a late snack? Sometimes there is a legit reason why a kid doesn't want to eat.. but there is always room for cookies :O
No he just didn't want to eat
No he just didn't want to eat and wanted to go to the store and get cookies and DH told him after he ate what we cooked then he would take him to get cookies and he refused to eat.
So.. the kid didn't get what
So.. the kid didn't get what he wanted. Good for your DH.
I think to a certain extent, you need to give the kid a pass on "trying" to get the cookies vs dinner. Not in the way that he should be allowed to.. but kids are going to try their parents..what your DH did by NOT getting him the cookies is just one lesson in a long string of them that hopefully will lead to better behavior in the future.
Hopefully later that night the kid had a few hunger pangs and remembered the nice dinner he passed up.
Yeah like I said I am just
Yeah like I said I am just going to try to stay out of the DH's and SS's drama from now on. I really don't need the stress in my life.
This reminds me of when YSD
This reminds me of when YSD wouldn't eat her supper, not even a bite if she knew I made dessert. She claimed she wasn't hungry BUT she wanted a piece of cake! I told her she had to at least eat 1 or 2 bites of each item on her plate or no dessert. She refused. I went to the kitchen to cut the cake. SO followed me in, grabbed a couple of plates, one with a huge piece of cake then went back to the dinning area. He came back in with YSD's full plate and tossed everything into my dogs dish. I went to the dinning area and there was YSD with that huge piece of cake, looking at me with a smirk on her face while shoving a large piece in her mouth. I was fuming at him, not only for undermining me and giving into his kid but also wasting food and giving my DOG human food that she wasn't supposed to have!
So did your SD's behavior
So did your SD's behavior ever improve or is she still your DH's special snowflake?
It got worse until I
It got worse until I disengaged soon after. Then it started to get better. BTW, I seldom made desserts after that when then were visiting.
BM PAS'd her about a year ago. SO seen her and one of her sisters for the first time in a year last weekend.
I am sure if she was still visiting or starts to again, she will still be his special snowflake. But, I won't be making a cake if she does.
I would have snatched that
I would have snatched that plate from in front of that child in a heartbeat. I would have then stared daggers at my DH if he dared to say one.single.word.
I would in no uncertain terms tell him that if he didn't back you up on that it would be the last time you ever put pot to stove for him or his children. ever.
I would have also taken his plate.. plus any cake left in the kitchen and smashed it into the trash with the food out of the dog dish so that NO ONE was going to have any f'ing cake.
I stormed off and went for a
I stormed off and went for a walk.
I disengaged shortly after that. I stopped doing all the extras!
A few times my SD's pulled
A few times my SD's pulled something that ended up causing a fight between us. TBH, they changed their tunes when they saw how their little "fuss" caused a big fuss.
How old is SD now, may I ask?
How old is SD now, may I ask? I'm living a similar dream here in my house. I've disengaged to a point, because if he wants to parent her this way what can I do? but still wondering how long we have before SD turns into a really special snowflake..
he said that since he has
he said that since he has partial custody of his kids that he is afraid if he discipline YSS that he is afraid that BM will try to take him back to court for abuse and then he will never get to see his kids
Discipline is not abuse. Lack of discipline, can be.
Tell him to document each situation - much like if it was a safety incident in a workplace. Document what behavior occurred, and what the consequences were. Date, time, people involved, what was said... and of course, fit that ensued.
No judge in their right mind would remove custody from a parent who acts in the best interest of the child when it comes to issuing reasonable consequences for a misbehaved child. He won't lose custody for sending the kid on a time out for being disrespectful.
PAS is like a continuous
PAS is like a continuous mindf*ck. It makes you doubt what you see and what you think. And it makes you hyper conscious of what you're doing and how it will be perceived by the alienator. You live in fear--including of your own children who constantly betray your confidence by reporting back to the person who wants to hurt you.
DH lived in fear for a long time. He was a terrible parent in that time and very irrational. Everything was emotionally driven. He still struggles. When he parents SS, he feels like a prison warden because BM doesn't teach him about consequences at all. If the child learns anything about how to be a human, it will be because of DH.
If I were you, I would disengage completely. No babysitting. No carting back and forth. no opinions about anything. Nothing. You're married to your DH and you stay engaged in the marriage, but otherwise, it's like the kid doesn't exist.
So he could be this way
So he could be this way because of PAS by BM? Now that I think about it that does make sense. So I guess I should tell DH that he has to find a babysitter until he gets home from work because I won't be watching his kids anymore.
Essentially yes but gentler.
Essentially yes but gentler.
Yep. I had this in spades
Yep.
I had this in spades with OSD. Somehow, she became the battleground state between BM and my DH...both coddling her and treating her like some wounded, fragile, golden child all the time. The other two, they were much more reasonable about and actually parented. When DH finally wised up and started trying to lay down some boundaries and expectations with OSD, it was too late and WWIII broke out...ending in OSD refusing to come over for visitation or have anything to do with her dad.
This lasted for nearly a year...and then she started coming around again and acting human. Not sure what happened or why, but they actually have a pretty good relationship now. I, on the other hand, only talk to OSD when she comes over and never reach out otherwise. I am pleasant...but I have no desire for anything more than a superficial relationship with her...not that she's banging down my door asking for one
I will say...DH became a better parent all around as the kids got older. I think, when they were young, he really felt controlled by BM / had this fear that they were "her kids" and he was just "the fun uncle" who wasn't really allowed to be a parent. The more self-sufficient the kids got, the more free my DH felt to be a father to them.
I was once in the same boat
I was once in the same boat as you are now. Skids were allowed to say or do what ever they wanted with no consequences because SO was afraid they wouldn't want to come over anymore. BM was already vamping up the PAS at this time too.
I was also treated like a servant and a lower class citizen when the skids were visiting not only by the skids but by SO as well.
I was ready end the relationship a few times in our first 3 years. Even though I called it quits a couple of times, packed his things, left them in my garage and called him to pick his things up and leave, he somehow convinced me to let him stay. Guilted maybe?????
3 years into our relationship, I completely disengaged. SO couldn't understand why. He accused me of hating his kids. NOPE, I hated the way I was treated when it came to his kids. I was not their servant and I wasn't going to be disrespected in my own home. I told him, skids are his responsibility, not mine. His responsibility did not end with his CS payments to BM nor when he pulled into the driveway after he picked them up for visitation.
I refused to go to pick ups, clean up after them, babysit, cook special meals, buy them anything or even play card games or board games (games are another story LOL). If he didn't like it, he could leave. I wouldn't stop him.
SO and I got along a lot better after the disengagement. He even treats my son with a lot more respect as well.
Yeah DH is going to wonder
Yeah DH is going to wonder what is going on if I fully disengage as well. It takes respect to get respect. So while these kids run around my house doing whatever they want DH can certainly deal with it himself because every time I feel that I am going to get worked up because of this brat I am going to tell him not my kid not my problem have fun I am going to do something by myself.
"Yeah DH is going to wonder
"Yeah DH is going to wonder what is going on if I fully disengage as well"
"when", not "if"...
Soon I am already at the
Soon I am already at the stage of resentment for both DH and SS.
Ye Olde wanting stepmom to
Ye Olde wanting stepmom to have 100% responsibility and 0% authority.
So. . .
His kids don't get disciplined because he's afraid his kids will PAS out (yes that is a risk, but better they be disciplined and PAS out then not be disciplined and end up in orange--or worse)
He wants SM to be a nanny, cook, laundress, etc. but have no control over said children.
NOPE!!!
Disengage. Of course you will get blow back from this "you don't love my kids" "you don't care about them that's why you won't babysit anymore. . .blah blah" Just ignore and let daddykins handle the monster he created!!
Read this classic: http://www.steptogether.org/help.html