DH as ATM.
So, on the way to have dinner at a friend's house last night, DH informs me that BM has asked DH if he "would like to contribute" $100 to YSD's birthday present...her birthday is tomorrow and DH has already gotten her a book and DVD. BM wants to get her a practice keyboard.
DH says: "I'm going to say 'No' and I've figured out why. I'll never see that keyboard. I'll never get the joy of hearing YSD play...it's like BM gets all the joy bc she has the kids...but she expects me to pay for it. This is something for HER house...It would be like...if she asked me to pitch in for a bed for one of the kids..."
ME: "She did ask you to do that, remember? She asked us to pitch in for a daybed for YSD when they moved. (Pause) We also did a Wii that stayed entirely at her house...and she flat-out expected us to ensure cars that are registered at her address, sit in her driveway...and that she 'borrows' from the kids when she's trashed her latest car...until we shut that down..."
DH: "And why 2 days before her birthday? Maybe if she'd asked me a month ago. Every time she does this kind of thing...I try to tell her we...well, you...budget a bit further out than that...why does she think we should provide beds for our house AND hers?"
ME: "Well, that's not how she runs her finances...she goes moment to moment and expects us to pick up her slack."
DH: "It's really baffling. Do you think she still sees me as her husband in some way?"
ME: "I think she sees you as a potential source of extra cash when her lack of planning catches up with her. Or like an ATM where she doesn't always remember the code exactly...but if she punches in just the right combination of 'you owe me' and 'residual guilt' and 'you're failing as a father' you might spit some bills her direction."
DH (laughing): "Quit being such a writer with your adorable metaphors."
Anyway...felt good to be on the same page about BM and her ridiculous requests.
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Wasn't it, though? I try not
Wasn't it, though?
I try not to bit** and moan too much about BM...but when DH starts it...
My DH's EX would often ask
My DH's EX would often ask for him to help her buy the girl's Christmas gifts because she would end up in some financial shortfall. The last time, he told her that they already loved her and she didn't need to buy their love. I mean, it's not like their dad is a big gift giver either... so it's not like he is outshining her. She just wants to make it look like santaclause upchucked all over the living room so that it proves she is MOTY.
The last ATM move was when she threatened to take him to court for reserved spousal support if he didn't pay her 2,000 dollar insurance policy (for her.. not kids) after the kids had both aged out of CS and they hadn't been together in almost 15 years!
Oh, we used to get the annual
Oh, we used to get the annual "do you want to go in together on this big Christmas gift for skid 1, 2, and 3?"
She always phrased it as an 'invitation' or an 'opportunity' to do something special for the skids. DH and I are like...yeah. An 'opportunity' for us to give you money for presents that the skids will open at your house...and that will then stay at your house. Doesn't really matter if you tell them it's from both parents and stepmom. They're too young to fully understand that...the parent who hands it to them, who's there when they unwrap it...and whose house it's at...that's the parent who 'gave' it to them, in their mind. Surely she had to understand that?
See...that sounds totally
See...that sounds totally reasonable.
In theory, I wouldn't be against that at all if 1.) BM gave us adequate notice, 2.) She wasn't ALWAYS asking for extras 'for the kids' and 3.) I felt reasonably sure that BOTH parents would get to be there for the gifting and get equal credit.
As it is, we usually get these frantic requests at the last minute and are expected to comply. It's amazing to watch how quickly: "Hey. Do you think you could possibly pitch in $200 for _________?" (something BM signed skid up for without consulting with DH first) turns into: "Could I get that $200 with the next CS check?" (Invariably, the CS check is coming due within the next 2-3 days) which turns into: "Where's my $200?!?!!"
Seriously. It usually takes about 3 emails. DH and I have marveled at the expected progression before. Particularly the pronouns...from "your $200" to "that $200" to "MY $200" -- it's pretty stunning.
It is the best feeling when
It is the best feeling when you know your DH is on the same page as you.
My DH and I recently had one of those moments. BM had asked if YSS could stay with us Monday night as her SO had to be at work too early to take YSS to school. DH said no problem as he will always have YSS more than the CO says. After DH responds to BM' text, BM replies back asking if we can pack YSS's lunch for school the next day.
DH was annoyed by her comment. DH replied "Yes, SM12 Packs his lunch for school EVERY day he is with us"
It sounds small but it is those little digs that BM throws at DH to make him appear to be incompetent. It really got on his nerve this time.
He vented about it and then commented how he can now see what I had been trying to tell him for years.
I think that is what all
I think that is what all GUBM's do because I know the one that we deal with does the same exact thing. It's like no one knows what to do but her when it comes to her kids. BM does this whenever the skids are staying with us for an extended period of time. She thinks that these kids can't survive without her and that DH is competent enough to have enough common sense to take care of his own kids. It is really annoying and it will probably always happen but, that is just the way the GUBM's are.
lol. Yes. For us, in the
lol.
Yes. For us, in the beginning, it was BM calling multiple times a day or texting or FB messaging in order to 'check in' on 'her' kids. The assumption of incompetence was so irritating.
She would also 'drop by' on our weekends because one of the kids 'forgot' something...the kid would text...forgot my charger, my toothbrush, my socks, my...xyz...and BM would just drop everything and run right over. One time she literally came over THREE separate times with THREE separate deliveries for the skids. DH put a stop to it at that point...told her that if a kid forgets something, they have to live with the consequences or ask us for help.
She also made tons of executive, unilateral decisions - about medical care, extracurricular activities, friends, trips...etc. No consulting DH at all or assuming that he'd have an opinion...but plenty of coming to him with her hand out so he could pay 'his half' of this thing that she and she alone decided that the kid 'needed.' It really does get infuriating.
Yes, yes yes TwoofUS GUBM
Yes, yes yes TwoofUS GUBM over here does the same exact thing. Are the BM's we deal with related?!! LOL It is the most ridiculous thing having to deal with GUBM because she has to know everything that is going on with her kids and is their personal assistant. I told DH I am not going to deal with her just stopping by all the time as well because the skids forgot something. BM tells DH well you should buy them extras if they forget something. I laughed my ass off when she told him that. When she starts with her ridiculous rants with about 10 text messages of trying to tell my DH what he should and shouldn't do she just gets ignored.
Oh man. Early in our
Oh man.
Early in our marriage, before I knew any better, BM actually sent ME a FB message asking what was 'going on' at our house because OSD was sending her 'distress messages' about how mean her dad was being.
Me, like an idiot, told her that they'd butted heads but nothing was 'going on' - she responded asking if I could try to get DH to be more reasonable and not so tough on her and I was all like...yeah, OK.
Oh man, oh man, oh man. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself across the face before I typed that. The truth is what was 'going on' was the same thing that had been 'going on' every skid weekend and would continue to 'go on' for years (obviously didn't know this at the time...bought into the lie that it was 'just a phase' that OSD was going through because she 'lost her dad')
What was 'going on' was little black raincloud OSD was being incredibly rude, disrespectful, and mean to everyone in the house...especially her dad and her siblings. She was being impossible and defiant, so DH grounded her to her room in an attempt to punish/parent her. Nothing extreme...NOTHING physical...not even any yelling except for between OSD and her siblings. In other words, what was 'going on' that BM was so concerned about was that 'her' darling little golden child was being a royal PITA and DH was being a dad.
Yeah BM couldn't mind her own
Yeah BM couldn't mind her own business and had to be in the middle of everything because your DH was such a mean dad for punishing his own kid for being a self entitled snowflake. BM over here wanted to know why the babysitter we hired was starving her kids when in reality they wanted junk food and didn't want to eat anything that we cooked or the babysitter cooked because they are self entitled spoiled little shits and mommy only feeds them what they want.
Ah, yes! The "joint" gift!
Ah, yes! The "joint" gift! Been there, done that, got the shaft!! The worst one of all was when DH & all his family got hoodwinked by BM one Christmas into agreeing to give SS cash to be put towards a new electric guitar for SS, so we gave SS (the rabid dog gift opener and gift counter) cash taped to cereal boxes, etc. so he would have gifts to actually open. Later after we took him home to BM, we asked how much he had gotten towards his new guitar and he informed us that BM had given him the guitar as a Christmas gift! That was the LAST time we agreed to coordinate a gift with BM.
We are lucky in this regard -
We are lucky in this regard - everything is considered pretty separate! We buy our stuff BM buys her stuff and all is good. If there is any furnishings bought for kidlings, it is for our place only, now. In the beginning, SO did buy a mattress and frame because BM had no boyfriend helping out and he did not want his children to suffer at her apartment. Now they have our couch ($200, and the kids have another place to sleep, lol)