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For those who don't plan to marry

NobodyMom's picture

I'm not sure if I want to get married again (or may wait a few years to do so), but living with my boyfriend in his house with his minor kids (fulltime) means we are essentially a stepfamily. I contribute to running the household (effort and money), some care and responsibility for his kids. My concern is if he were to pass on before me, I will lose my home. He bought the house a year before I moved in, but I pay a reasonable portion to him and take care of the house as if it were my own.

His sister who lives across the country (who I get along with) is in charge of his estate should something happen. I don't know the details but I know the house will not be left to me. I was not living with him at the time so it made sense. What can I do to protect myself? I'm not sure how to even address this with him, but I cannot see living here for years making the house our home, but yet I could lose my home by not being married if he pre-deceases me. I pay him monthly to contribute to a portion of costs which I want to do, I don't want a free ride. But I don't want to be left with nothing if he pre-deceases me either.

Acratopotes's picture

It's simple Hon,

either you stop contributing and invest your money in a flat or something you rent out, or you see your current contribution pure and simple as rent paid to him.

You could talk to him about how you feel and ask if it would be acceptable if he change his will and testament to you getting life rights on the home as long as you are single... and first option to buy.

Life rights is simply you are not kicked out upon his passing, you can remain in the house and pay a small rent as long as you live, or live in that house, but you loose life rights the moment you move a new boyfriend in, or pay market related rent. And you can move out at any time out of your free will.

You will not inherit the house, but you will not be kicked out either

NobodyMom's picture

Thank you. I have never heard of "life rights". If he agrees, and I continue to pay a small rent, then how does the mortgage get paid to the bank? Or are you only speaking of a "paid off" house?

Acratopotes's picture

Simply pay rent Hon, you do not contribute to mortgage,

if he still owes on the house by time of death - he should have life insurance covering the full mortgage, with us , we can not get a bond loan unless there's life insurance covering the debt in case of death. Thus it will be paid off automatically and you simply keep on paying rent to the estate... or the person who got the house

Rags's picture

Sell it and buy one together..... or... have him add you to the deed.

thinkthrice's picture

And even then it's questionable, IMHO. I was taught by a shrewd real estate shark, never ever own property jointly and the only ship that never sailed is a partnership. Call me cynical.

House in his name, house in your name, rent one of them out if you are co-habitating.

NobodyMom's picture

I thought about him adding me to the deed. But I don't want to keep the house if we split up. He can have it if our relationship ends and I would accept the loss in that case, I would only want to keep it if he passes. If our relationship ends, I don't care about the investment I made as our relationship is over and we will both want to move on quickly.

yolo222's picture

^^this. Your boyfriend is lame. There is no real commitment and yes if he dies you will be forced to leave your home. I have a girlfriend that this actually happened to. When her SO died the grown kids made her leave the house and she got no inheritance. She was with him for 19 years. I would not buy a home with someone I'm living with and I would contribute nothing to the maintenance of the home. Save some money and if he passes unexpectedly go get an apartment.

You have the crappy end of this deal if u ask me. Do u want to be married? Or do like giving your life, money and body to someone who has not given you a lifetime commitment. ???

NobodyMom's picture

Your SO sounds awesome. I love how he handled it. We are not reliant on each other. however, if I lose the home due to his death, I would have to start from scratch after building so much with him and I would like to avoid that, plus I would not have the same nest egg as I would if I am investing in his home. I feel I am taking all the risk and I just don't want to be put in a bad spot.

NobodyMom's picture

We have been together 5 years, living together the last 1 year. Payment wise I do the same as you. I see what you mean with rent, but if I was renting from a stranger, it would be temporary short term, not a planned lifetime with a partner, building a home and putting lots of effort into it and into his kids and being a family. Having everything but the marriage certificate. So that is why I look at this a bit different. If I was not in this relationship, I would own my own home (sold my last home after my previous divorce) and getting tax breaks like he does. I am in a tougher spot as I don't get tax breaks so Uncle Sam takes a lot from me in taxes. So financially it is tougher for me in that sense. So because of what I do for "us" I see that as meaning he also needs to be fair to me knowing this. So for example as time goes by, I will have invested more and more into his house which he does call "our home" and still like to be taken care of in the event of his death. For now I look at it as renting, but I would like to plan for long term as we continue to live together and be a family.

NobodyMom's picture

Yes, I agree people make a house a home, which I don't want to lose if he passes away. I get no tax breaks because I don't own anything in order to live with him and contribute to his house (my financial contribution goes into his house maintenance). Which means I end up paying tons of taxes because I cannot get write offs like he does for actually owning the house. If we are together 10 years, not married and he dies, I could be 60 years old and lose my home. If we are together 10 years and were married and he dies, I would get to keep our home no question and not be put out. I don't want to be 60 years old, he passes away, and I lose our home because we don't have a marriage certificate. I pay for half our trips not to mention plenty of other stuff for all 4 of us.

NobodyMom's picture

I had a bad divorce and it cost me quite a lot of money to get of with a deadbeat ex. It took me a while to get back on my feet, so I am gun shy of marriage. Thank you for your advice. We need to obviously have some more conversations to discuss things that I have not thought of until living with him over the last year.

secret's picture

When you have a discussion about your relationship's future, as in life-partner, wife, mother of his kids, etc.... then it may be time to amend the paperwork.

As of now, you're a girlfriend. Just like anyone else, if one is gone (broken up or death) there are no rights for the one who remains. Just because you take care of his kids and pay a portion of the bills, doesn't mean you're entitled to keep it when he's gone. He'd have to make provisions for that.

NobodyMom's picture

We both work full time. He has custody of his teenagers full time. Sorry to say Mom is a bum and does nothing for her kids, barely sees them due to her choice. I am middle age, not young. If he passes, his kids mom has no means to care for them. Sounds like I also need to see what provisions are for his kids as far as custody as well. I do know he has life insurance so the kids would be taken care financially.

ESMOD's picture

Provisions can be made and it really does depend on a lot of factors... like if he owns the home outright.. whether there would be a mortgage remaining.. your age etc.

I mean, if you are 25 and together for 2 years, I can see offering you "lifetime rights" would be a big encumbrance on his children's estate. You are 50 or 60 plus and have been together 20 years and have been contributing to the household and paid for home repairs etc.. lifetime rights become more reasonable.

I think getting life ins that would cover payoff of the home would be good. If you were afforded at least some amount of "transition" time in the home in the event of his passing, that would be optimal.

hereiam's picture

In some states, a death beneficiary (affidavit) can be filed so that the house will go to you in the event of his death, without going through probate. Otherwise, he can will the house to you. Definitely make sure he has a life insurance policy, with you as beneficiary, so the house can then be paid off and you won't have to worry about refinancing in your name.

Or, split the other bills, pay less towards his mortgage (you would have to pay rent somewhere) and invest or save, so that you will have money to get your own place if you have to. I think that everybody should have a nice cushion should something happen, whether that be an emergency or that you suddenly find yourself on your own.

hereiam's picture

"hey dear, get some insurance and make me beneficiary so if you die i can pay the house off and still live here. thanks!

Maybe that is how YOU would have the conversation but personally, I would offer to pay the premium for the life insurance that would benefit ME or suggest that we each get one. Usually, people who love each other want to protect each other, and talking about this should not be an issue, nor does it need to sound demanding and selfish.

In this case, OP was asking how to protect herself, her SO was paying the mortgage on his own before her, so that might not be her immediate concern, but her homelessness, is.

DH and I each have a policy, with each other as beneficiaries, and each pay our own premiums.

When grown up couples are in a committed relationship, they can talk about these things in a grown up manner.

2Tired4Drama's picture

First thing you need to do is have the conversation with your SO.

If he understands your concerns and agrees he wants you to be protected in case of his demise, then ...

Second thing you need to do is go with him to an attorney (who will know the laws in your state/jurisdiction) and will be able to give solid advice.

I understand your concerns, and they are justified. As we get older, we must protect ourselves and plan accordingly. I think in your case some sort of "survivorship" clause may be applicable - BUT you can expect that the skids (no matter what age they are) will be first in line for actual ownership of the property.

NobodyMom's picture

Thank you for your great advice. More conversations are clearly needed. I didn't realize minors are first in line for ownership of the property. He has an estranged adult daughter who is as a$$hole to both of us. She lives far away but now I fear her inheriting. She would kick me out in an instant as she feels her father should have no woman in his life but her. Yikes, now more to worry about!