You are here

SS21 nice kid but no motivation or ambition

NobodyMom's picture

SS21 is very child like emotionally.  good kid, but immature and naive.  After graduating high school tried community college then dropped out while his girlfriend stayed in college and now girlfriend transferred to a state college (still lives nearby and attending on-line).  His girlfriend is very child like as well emotionally but at least is moving towards a future career with college and has ambition.  SS21 then said he was going to join the military, bought a book to study for ASVAB test.  Then did nothing else and that option went nowhere.

SS21 then decided he wanted to be a carpenter but needs a year of construction experience first to be eligible for a carpenter's apprentice job.   That was 1 1/2 years ago he started on that path working as a day laborer.  After that 1 year, he decided he wanted to go into HVAC instead.  He since has barely applied for jobs unless we push him, has no experience and DH and I told him to work on his EPA certification at least to see if that will help him get his foot in the door at a company.   he interviewed for a couple trainee positions but did not get a job offer.  SS21 bought EPA study book then lied and told us he was reading it and when I asked him a couple questions from the 1st chapter he couldn't answer and gave some BS answer and then admitted he didn't start on the book.  This is for a job he SAID he wants.

SS21 really doesn't do anything to work towards goals he says he has unless DH keeps after him.  kid is all talk (in my opinion to appease us) but very little action unless dad pushes him and holds his hand.  I get holding his had to some degree so he can learn, but SS21 only takes action when DH stays on top of him.   When DH lets up after teaching his son what to do and then gives him time to work on his career path, SS21 drops the ball.  

I am losing my patience and we charge SS21 very little rent.  Did not charge him anything for over a year so he could save up and buy a car but I had to sit down with SS21 every week and make him transfer money to savings account for car because otherwise he blew his paycheck on crap and eating out when left to his own devices.

I feel we should increase his rent now that he as the car and since he isn't following though on a future career.  I believe the kid has it made paying only $200 a month rent in our expensive area (apartments are $2000 a month) and won't work at anything because no need when living with us on easy street.  I feel we need to make it not so easy so eventually he will hopfully be motivated find a career path when it's not so easy to afford living with us. He is low level in his construction job and I don't have confidence he will move up the ladder at any time.  Oh, but he was motivated along with his girlfriend to make each other engagement rings and they are now considered engaged (sometime in the future he said, not soon)!

Is this the right approach?  any suggestions?  SS21 keeps telling us about different goals, we try to help him achieve them, but when we stop holding his hand and stop pushing, he does NOTHING.   I told DH we need to soon just stop helping since SS21 won't help himself.  Just let him do nothing for a good career if that is what he wants but don't make it so cheap to keep living with us.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Some ideas: 

1. Raise the rent to $500 per month. Put the money he pays you aside for his "apartment rental deposit and first months rent. 

2. Give him a date that he needs to be out of the house by. 

3. Give him the money he paid in rent and kick his butt to the curb on said date. Tell him moving back in is not an option, so he'd better save his pennies for a rainy day. 

4. Require that he take a community center class in "budgeting 101."

NobodyMom's picture

 his salary, he cannot afford to live on his own in our area.   So I am desparately trying to get him to to move towards a steady income so he can move out.  Sounds like at some point I just have to say too bad and get out and it is his problem to solve.  Not sure how I can get DH on board with that!    

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

He's 21 and more than capable of holding down 2 or 3 jobs if necessary to be able to afford rent. Give him a move out date, and tell him his choices are either to hold down multiple jobs or hope to high heaven that he has a higher paying one before move out date, at which point that locks WILL be changed. 

Survivingstephell's picture

All that and make him a list of chores to finish everyday.  Burning Platform style.  Make him so annoyed living with you that he gets it together and moves out.  No more comfort for him.  Your home should be spotless and your yard the envy of the neighborhood.   

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Agree. Search "Rags burning platform." We try so hard to make our homes pleasant and enjoyable when divorced so the kids will want to stay with us and not PAS out. I was guilty of this too in the early days of my divorce, and have since learned that you end up with a "kid" who likes it so much they don't want to ever leave. My daughter is still in high school, but i'm struggling as well to get her a summer job, contributing more in chores, and making future career plans. For some reason my older child (22) didn't have these issues, but the struggle is real with certain kids. 

NobodyMom's picture

decisions.  So in order for him to have time to study and apply for HVAC trainee jobs, I eased up.   I see now he used that "free" time briefly to do what he said he would, but then he stopped.  Based on the responses here, sounds like he needs a deadline to get his EPA cert to see if he really wants it and that will tell me a lot.  I get frustrated with DH and tell him to quit setting the bar so low for his son....DH knows how immature his son is and I think he is coddling him too much and hurting him because of that.  When I express that to DH, he denies it since his son is working a menial job and paying rent (I think the rent amount is a joke so definately need to up it!)

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would ask your DH, "If he is working full-time and only paying $200 a month, where does the rest of his money go?" If he is like a lot of people his age, he is pissing it away on takeout food, purchases in/on video games, and (maybe) alcohol and weed.