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Tale of two kids...

halo1998's picture

 DH has two siblings, a sister and a brother.  Sister in law...really nice person, good mom, etc.  Been marred for almost 20 years and has two sons, nephew number 3 and 4, ages 14 and 12.   Both nephew 3 and 4 are good kids and are doing well.   Brother in law..ugh straight up sh*t show.  BIL is a drug addict and his drug of choice these days are oxy and meth.  Oh joy...his estranged wife is no better and is running the local drug den in their little town in the midwest.   BIL has done so many drugs that he has fried his brain.  He is now exhibits many neurological tics and is disabled.   smh...BIL and his drugged out wife have two sons, nephew 1 and 2.  Nephew 1, is 6 months younger that GWR (Dh's son) 18,and nephew 2 is about 17.

Nephew 1 has not lived with either parent since he was 14.  At 14 his mother,the drug den madam, was raided and Nephew 1 and 2 were held a gun point by the police while they searched the house.  That was enough for Nephew 14, he noped right on out of that house and moved in with a friend.  Living with BIL was not an option as BIL tends to be homeless unless my in-laws pay for his apartment.    Nephew number 2 stayed with dear old mom...CPS is joke here in the good old midwest.  N2 is headed down the same path as BIL and drugged out SIL.  

Anyway, N1 has now graduated High School with honors and is in college full time  to get his BS in Nursing.  He is already a cerified nurses aid and passed his course to be the the person to take your blood samples.  N1 works full time in a nursing home taking care of elderly alzheimers patients.  He was an all star in baseball and was in football till too many concusions sidelined that ambition.  N1 and his girlfriend (a sophmore in college) rent a house, have a dog and are all around stand up kids.  Hard working, don't get in trouble etc.  

Dh and I gave them a car here recently, because well we didn't want it and/or need it and they could use it.   N1 is a good kid that got stuck with a sh*tty hand.

Last week N1 called DH and asked if he could sit down with him and explain how to buy a house, 401k plans and how to plan for the future.  As N1 put it, Uncle DH you are about the only one in my family that can help me with these things.  DH said sure and they had dinner.  N1 and DH went through N1's choices at the moment, to buy a house or not, how much to save for retirement, etc.  DH was excited that someone wanted his opinion and advice.

During dinner N1 asked about GWR...since when they were little they used to play together all the time since N1's mom would drop the two boys off to DH and Beaver and disappear for days.  DH explained about GWR's drug usage, the peacing out of our house when confronted and then the last text message that DH got from GWR.  N1 shook his head and said "GWR just does not get it does he"  DH, I would have done anything to have a Dad like you.  One that cared.  You took care of him, made sure he had clothes and shoes and a nice place to live.  GWR has no idea what it is like to not have any of that.  Do you know that on my FASFA and things like that I am classified as homeless since I haven't lived with my parents in years?  Do you know what it feels like to be considered "homeless"  GWR does not understand what it is like to have your whole childhood marred by the stress of never having a stable home, food, clothing. I'm sorry DH, GWR doesn't deserve to have you as a father.  I would trade places with him in a heart beat.

Now, DH told N1 that he tried so many times to get custody of both him and his brother.  However, CPS would never deem their situation as being "bad enough" to take the kids from their drugged out parents.    DH told he was always so sad that he couldn't do more the boys but for a long time BIL and SIL kept the kids from everyone once the family figured out they were strung out on drugs.  

DH is somewhat sad, that N1 depsite having so many problems in his life still has managed to grow up and be a responsible human being and GWR that had every advantage in life is such of a waste of space.

DH did however feel better that at least someone, other than my bio kids, noticed that GWR had it very good and that DH tries hard and means well.


BTW...GWR is now failing his Senior year epically...he has turned in exactly 4 assignments..not 4 in each in 4 total.  At this point, I don't see GWR graduating in the spring unless the school just pushes him through to get rid of him.



tog redux's picture

It's all about your psychological make-up and resilience.  Some kids survive that kind of upbringing and thrive, and others sink into it.  Seems no one is quite sure what the difference is, though it's thought that having at least one strong adult relationship helps - maybe N1's friends parents were that support to him at 14.

halo1998's picture

about his friends parents. They helped him a lot and made sure he was taken care of. 


DH himself doesn't get it.  FIL was/is an alcoholic and MIL is an enabler.  DH and SIL rose above the chaos in their lives and become sucessfull humans.  BIL....sadly did not.  All three were brought up in the same house.

Gimlet's picture

It is interesting, isn't it?  Same scenario here (alcoholic dad, enabler mom).  I did OK, both siblings are addicts.  I believe my internal locus of control had a lot to do with it.

My DH's nephews had a much harder road than his kids and yet both of them are more well-adjusted and successful.  The irony is that DH was the stable figure in their lives for many years while their dad wasn't engaged. 

Kes's picture

It's great that N1 has turned out to be a worthwhile human being, and great that you and DH have helped him and continue to do so.  People that help themselves deserve this, whereas those that sit on their arse and whine, despite having been entitled so and so's all their lives, don't.  

When my DH excuses one of the SD's behaviour for reasons of their background, divorced parents etc, I point out that not all of us having a difficult background (I come from abuse, neglect and suicide of a sibling), take it out on others and turn into total knobheads.  Besides, the SDs always had helicopter parents and a shakeable money tree. 

shamds's picture

You got 2 choices when your parents are effed up... choose to be different and make a positive difference in the world, or follow down their same path because hey?? They manipulate, are miserable twits and just bums, if you have no self worth then you follow that path

this bs that cod had it rough and are excused from being absolute dipshits is excusing crap behaviour that they know isn't acceptable and a choice they make to be these sorts of people and not positive role models

CLove's picture

Used to call her Homeless Troll, but now shes in an apartment. So Ill call her DAncing Troll, because she is known for going out to music events and dancing all crazy.

She and Toxic Troll both had a bad upbringing with an alcoholic mother, and Toxic Troll found a dude that would take care of her (DH) and Dancing Troll found drugs, and then homelessness. They are both mean, when its useful. Dancing Troll had a series of kiddos that were taken away from her and adopted out. Toxic Troll had 2 kids with DH, one of which is ner do well Feral Forger, and then theres Munchkin.

She is making the most of her opportunities and having me in her life has changed things for the better (I think, I hope fingers crossed). I know that she wont have a lot of opportunities so she will have to work for everything and she is so lazy...

Glad that your DH got that validation. Also very glad that N1 is looking forward to a very bright future!

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like your N1 is going to go far in his life. As for GWR they will pass him, they always do. Spawn was a pity pass she found out the day of graduation she was graduating. Spawn hasn't gone on to do too much more with her life other than work minimum wage jobs, date abusive drug addict losers and self herself online.

halo1998's picture

and he will go from one minium wage to another...just like Beaver's brothers...whom I dubbed the welfare twins.    GWR will live in his mommy's basement...and it always be someone elses fault.

Its such a pity.