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My wonderful DH has taken his own life

PolyMom's picture

I don't know how many of you remember me or any of our story. Started with a jealous BM who was pissed about our house, and turned the whole thing into a competition, screwing with the kids. The calls to CPS, and custody battles, the family therapy. Then DH was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, exacerbated by stress, forcing him on remicade, resulting in non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and dependency on oxycodone, of which SS14 started stealing, while BM continued her emotional abuse on my skids. SS14 wound up in rehab for heroin addiction after DH took him out of our house, moved him in with the in-laws, thinking BM wouldn't harass his parents. Wrong. Police constantly called. Her husband beat up DH in front of the kids, and the DA would not press charges because she went to them with the usual stupid sob story. SS11 started living with her, thinking that would calm her. She only got worse. SS14 only got worse. SS11 was almost immediately diagnosed with tourettes and OCD for massive twitching disorder once he started living in her stressful home.

My DH took his life on January 4th. My family of 6 is now down to 3. My kids are devastated they can't see their brothers anymore. My ex really stepped it up and is going to try to make that happen. Everyone agrees BM and I should have zero contact.

He did it because he couldn't take it anymore. He did it to get me away from her. He did it to protect his mom. I lost the love of my life. I lost two children of 8 years. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

PolyMom's picture

It's hard to have any good words. I've had a few choice words that would probably get me kicked out of here. But saying "I hate her" in a weird way does help.

Indigo's picture

Oh, Poly ... I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I remember the drama in your household. Your DH made a horrible choice during a very dark period. I wish for some peace and healing for you & your children. {{Hugs}}

PolyMom's picture

I think it was the only choice he thought he had left. He went to great lengths to keep the severity of his depression from me. It wasn't until my neighbor cleaned out his car for me, did I see months of errands he said he did, still sitting in the car waiting to be done. Our family therapist told me she never saw this coming, not in a million years would she have pegged him to have done what he did. He kept everything in. I used to ask him "how do you not let this get to you? It bothers the hell out of me, and it's not even my problems anymore." He said "He doesn't know, he just does."

Indigo's picture

Poly, I sent you a PM. Those "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" will wreck your soul.

DH made a choice that had absolutely nothing to do with you, your kids, your marriage, his love for you all ... it seems more along the lines of a fox who's foot is caught in a trap will gnaw off it's foot to get free.

BethAnne's picture

It is sickening what she pushed him to. I am so so sorry for you and your family. I am glad to hear you are getting support from those around you. Do not be tempted to faulter on your decision to have no contact with BM. If it is needed for your husband's estate etc, do it through a lawyer.

PolyMom's picture

The lawyer said we were always such nice people and he was in total and utter shock. We all were. He's going to handle everything for free.

Xero's picture

My god. I'm so grieved for your story. My sorry and sympathies don't cut it.... I can't imagine this awful horror. May you find support and healing wherever is needed my friend.

PolyMom's picture

There has been a tremendous outpouring of support. This is really the first time I have to vent in my own way...through the forum I always turn to when things turn to shit. I don't think they can get much worse. At least I hope they don't.

PolyMom's picture

Don't undermine your own problems because of me. I keep a sign on my refrigerator that says "Unless it's fatal, it's no big deal." My priest tried to take it down when he saw it and my mother stopped him. It's more than saying "nothing but death is a big deal" but it in a way gave me and the kids permission to really be upset. So while that sign helped me through many trying times to breathe and get through them, it also helped me to grieve.

IslandGal's picture

I burst into tears when I read this. I am so, so very sorry Poly. The rate of suicide amongst single Dads is rising and yet, nothing seems to be done about it. My SO has felt suicidal because he feels so helpless, angry, frustrated and sad..it takes a lot to bring him back to himself sometimes.

I wish the courts would just finally open their eyes and treat Dads with the same respect they do Moms. I wish they would deal with PAS which so many bitter exes are guilty of. I wish they would allow single Dads to just be free of the toxic hatred and live their lives freely. I wish bitter bm's would just love their kids more than they hate their exes

I hope you find peace soon. You will be in my prayers.

PolyMom's picture

I'm not through it yet. This is all part of it. I was researching and in my findings was to expect no less than 2 years to accept the loss of a spouse to suicide, so I won't be too hard on myself. Just one thing at a time. I got all the bills transferred. EX is going to pick up the kids health insurance, but there I'm on my own. He had no will, and left no beneficiary, so that's what the lawyer is for. And thankfully I have that. I went to see DH before the cremation, which I decided to do when I couldn't bear the thought of explaining a closed casket to the kids... but I did get to be with his body one last time, and it was very peaceful. I said a lot of things to him. I said to him "I know you knew I'd be strong enough to get through this. And that freaking sucks!" I talked to him a long time. My dad and BF were with me. My mom couldn't bear it. I wrote him a note and left it with him. Picking out his clothes was the worst, but when I saw him dressed, and I could see my favorite shirt on him, I got to hold his hand and stroke his arm and touch his hair for the last time it really helped. And having that memory really helps.

I went to the doctor's today and had to name my emergency contact for a HIPPA form and I broke down because I always named DH. I was there for BCP follow up, which I stopped taking as soon as it happened, it was too painful to look at those pills every day so I threw them away. (But being a realist I did ask for an IUD before the end of the month when my insurance is up) And all I keep telling myself is that me, DD and DS will get through this, and we'll be okay. I don't know the details of how it will happen yet, but I know that it will. That's all I've got and that's all I'm going with.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you so much. My mother is staying with me tonight, but once I'm back on my own with the kids, I will definitely find the time, and need for PM's.

robin333's picture

I'm so sorry. Those words are completely inadequate but I sincerely mean that. I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts and hopes for healing for you and your boys.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you so much. I have to break away from them which is a lot easier said than done. I've been their mom too for 7 years. My DS met DH when he was about a year old. He knows no other life than having 2 dads. I told my kids, BM thinks love is something you can contain in a box, that has limits, which is why she doesn't understand what it is, and that's a lot of her problem. She doesn't understand what love is. I told them real love is more like a tree that is planted by your parents when you're born, and they help it to grow until you learn to take care of it for you. And it will get as big as you allow it to. That's why you can have two dads, two moms, 4 grandparents and love them all the same, or differently just like a tree has all different leaves and branches. But it will only be contained if you box it in, and refuse to let it grow.

robin333's picture

I think that is a beautiful analogy. I watched Tom's tribute last night. Thank you sharing. I'm pretty sure I would have liked Tom.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Grief. Rage. Shock.

So very sorry, Polymom. So very sorry. Condolences to you for all you have lost, which is way too much.

PolyMom's picture

So even though anonymity is important here, and I was always afraid for custody purposes.... I'm having a "this is all moot anyway" moment and I'd like to share my DH's tribute with everyone. We were a beautiful family. Despite all the garbage, there was always love in our home and our life. The slide show is about 7 minutes, then about 20 of home videos. If you have a half hour, grab a glass of wine and please enjoy my tribute to DH. His name was Tom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boRMzyiZeDc

Indigo's picture

Beautiful. I did grab another glass of wine. I'm snorting and snogging and sniffling here. I would have liked to know Tom.

WalkOnBy's picture

Since wine is frowned up on here at work, I will watch tonight.

Poly - I am so sorry things ended up this way. I know you will have the grace and strength to get through this terrible tragedy.

PolyMom's picture

Strength, surely. Grace...I seriously want to go egging someone's house. But I won't. My ex told me I'm like Mike Yagoobian from Meet the Robinson's and laughed at me. It's the little things I guess.

CLove's picture

Hi. Im very tearful right now, but I am glad that you were brave enough to share this with me (us). What a beautiful, loving tribute! (((hugs))). I lost a brother to suicide when he was very young. Nothing will take away the hole in your heart, you will heal, but always feel a little broken. What a sweet man, and its evident there was much love in your household. Prayers for you and your family, my best wishes to you!!!

There is a support group that helped me to deal with this specific occurrence - Survivors of Suicide. It is important that you have a good support system, for yourself as well as the children (and parents too, as well as siblings). You can talk here, of course, we are here! However, there is something very specific about losing a loved one to suicide. Much like the specifics of being a step parent! Cry if you need to, heck, even allow yourself to be angry (that can happen, but not always), and definitely allow yourself to share your beloved with those you trust. There is no judgment, only love.
Biggrin

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I'm learning and paying attention to new things every day. I have a definite "I'm done being out now" limit, where I slip into severe sadness, need to be home, have a xanax and do nothing for an hour. That's what I did today. A little nap, and then into piano lessons. Not too bad. I have a feeling this will be going on a while.

CLove's picture

When it first happened in my family, we were all in so much pain (it is the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life, and to this day as well), and then comes a period of numbness. And then the anniversaries start happening where they are the "bad" days - birthdays, death days, wedding dates, etc.

I think one of the rougher parts for me was explaining to friends, relatives, and acquaintances about who he was, how he died and then dealing with the "fallout". Most folks don't know what to say, really, and some blurt out the most ridiculous things. Like "something must have been really wrong with him, was he mentally unstable", sort of insensitively saying that he was psycho rather than depressed. Or "How did he do it", giving in to morbid curiosity about MY hellish nightmares. My personal favorite was "That's very sad for your/his parents, to have lost a son", not considering that I lost a baby brother. You will be able to collect your own "gems".

You'll have your good days (numbness for now), and the bad days (raw intense pain), but know that you are not alone in this. I stayed home except for school, and lost my voice completely until I literally cried my eyes out for several hours uncontrollably. It really helped. And one lady told me over the phone, during a particularly bad day that there really is no time-limit to grief, stay away from people who think you should "get off the pity potty and be over it already".

Your kids will sustain you and you will sustain them, and hopefully, unlike my fractured family of broken souls, it will make your bonds stronger!

PolyMom's picture

Parts of the hard are really starting to settle in. The "why" questions are starting to coming in from my son, who is 8. He was curled under my desk crying tonight. My daughter, and introvert was off her rocker wild silly tonight. My poor dad thought they were showing off for him...I'm pretty sure it's a coping mechanism.

Rags's picture

I am sorry I could not watch it from my location. I tried.

I would have like to know more about Tom.

PolyMom's picture

It's weird, I actually have no interest in revenge on her. People like her destroy themselves, and blame everyone else. I'm sure whatever shenanigans she gets herself into in the future will undoubtedly be labeled blame on me, even though I, and everyone around me is keeping her far, far away. Our family therapist, quite concerned said she spoke at length with BM who is terrified of SS14, and completely clueless in general as to parenting, and while there is no way I would be able to handle caring for SS14 at this point, who requires 24/7 care, because he will do unruly things after he's waited for everyone in the house to fall asleep, I should consider petitioning for SS11. I told her there is no way I will ever do that. Should something happen, and it turns out that it was in fact BM and her husband that got SS14 on heroin, it's in their house and they are going to jail, and they are looking to place SS11, I would happily take him, but so long as she is in the picture, I cannot be.

Icansorelate's picture

I am so sorry. Focus on your children and they will help you through. i just watched your slide show. What a handsome man and you are beautiful. The love in your lives comes through in the pictures.

JustAgirl42's picture

Oh my. I don't know what to say except that your post brought tears to my eyes. It sure puts some other things into perspective.

My condolences, please take good care of yourself.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I just wish someone out there knew how real all our problems are, and how far they will go. The system totally failed us.

--figureditout--'s picture

Poly,

Your DH will live on through you and your children. I am so sorry for your loss. Please remember to care for yourself and allow yourself time to grieve...there is no set length for it. You two made an amazing pair...absolutely beautiful.

I hope that you will find peace and happy memories.

PolyMom's picture

I think what I read was two years, to accept it. Not get over it. What I'm hearing is I will never "get over it" but move on and make a new normal. Nothing will ever be the same. I know that. And even though that two years is in no way a "cut off" no one in my family would say "Okay, it's been two years, time to get over it, stop talking about it and drop it" I'm using that timeline to give myself permission to continue grieving and talking about it, and crying beyond, say, two months.... because I am a person who inherently believes people will tire of listening to it after the initial commotion and shock wear off.

I told my mom, I feel like this is going to be like a long, drawn out pregnancy, where at first everyone surrounds you, and after a while they get tired of it. She hugged me and said, "the good people in your life will never do that to you." And my mom is the queen of "get over it. Let's move on to a new topic; a happier topic please"

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. The one that's really been bothering me that I can't bring myself to say out loud to anyone is...I know Tom loved me, but did he really know how much I love him? And I feel the guilt seeping in. LIke I didn't say it or express it enough. That's a rough one. I'm not comfortable letting it out right now.

PolyMom's picture

This is so very helpful to me, and exactly what I need to know, so thank you. It is not unkind at all. Thank you, thank you thank you.

Oldmom's picture

Poly

You are an exceptional woman and your strength and heart will carry you and your children through.

The ex will eventually have to answer for her hate. I sincerely hope the oldest boy gets the help he needs to get clean. Karma will come, it always does. His children will become adults. She will find their resentment harsh and unforgiving.

I can't imagine your pain.

Please don't ever allow someone else to decide your timeline for grief. Please look on the members of this site as your soft place and safe haven.

I wish you peace and give you love

PolyMom's picture

While in general, I do agree with karma, I think karma takes one look at her and says "I'm not going near that thing with a 10 foot pole. Not worth the headache." Her insanity will bring a whole new level of hell onto herself that she is in no way prepared to handle. And now, she has what she always "wanted" custody of those two boys...that she never really wanted. It was all an act to make herself look good. Her real motivation is to look like the beaten down victim. So when something goes wrong with the kids, she can blame DH. And I'm sure she'll continue to do that, by his death. I'm sure both boys are blaming themselves...SS14 for all the grief he was causing DH, and SS11 for moving out of our house, and I have no doubt that while maybe now she's blaming DH, it will eventually turn into "Well that's true...YOU were x,y and z." It's her way. She has never once looked at herself in any meaningful way that has allowed to grow or mature to be a decent human being, at any point as long as I've known her. Even when I thought she was being nicer about something, she only used it against me later.

Acratopotes's picture

for once I have nothing to say.... Polymum my deepest sympathy to you and yours, and a big hug for you.

Immediately cut DH's ex wife and children from your life, you do not need this, and Hon stop stressing on why DH did it, maybe he was sicker then what he told you regarding the cancer, just know this, DH loved you and you made him happy by standing by his side through all off it, DH knew you had his back, he never would've end his life because of BM, cause DH knew he had you at his side,.... I think DH hid the true extent of his illness from you to protect you.

PolyMom's picture

It's interesting you said that. I know it's what the mutual friends, and she must be thinking right now. When the mutual friends showed up to the wake, it was like they were digging for my input, and brought up the cancer theory. Not being an idiot I only said "He had way too much on his plate; so much more than any human being should ever be expected to bear; and he never let anyone know. He kept it all in."

The cancer thought did cross my mind. He did tell me he lied to BM that he thought he was relapsing so she would take over SS14's rehab care. She, on multiple occasions told him SS14 was HIS problem to deal with. DH knew that was the only way to get BM to take over without giving DH a super hard time about it. DH just more than anything needed a break. We went furniture shopping almost a month ago, and his phone was ringing literally every two minutes. There was no break. It was a horrible domino effect started by her awful finger. It would totally be in his character to keep his fears about getting sick again from me...but there are details that keep me from believing it:

1) When he told me he lied to BM, I flat out asked him if he thought he was getting sick again, because we will fix it, and he smiled and said "I got sick from remicade. I haven't taken any biologics since then."

2) He has told me multiple times that battling cancer was easier than battling her, and given the choice between them, he'd pick cancer.

3) He was struggling with oxycodone dependency. (dependency, NOT addiction) He tried to get himself in taken to a rehab facility that wouldn't take him, because he was within his prescribed dosage. I even told him "If there's anything else you need to tell them, I can leave the room so you can be completely honest." And he said he just wanted me to hold his hand. He wasn't doing ANYTHING else, despite everything SS14 was getting into. The police even told me though the toxicology report won't be in for a few weeks, although I do believe he would've taken the last of his pills before he committed the act, simply so no one else would get them and it would seriously ease the pain of what he was about to do, because that's how thoughtful he is... but there were absolutely no signs of illicit drug use going on. We had a plan to let him suffer his withdrawal at home, like the worst flu ever. We called doctors to find out what to expect. I told him I would take a few days off work, send the kids to my ex, and no one would have to know. When he was worried about not having any sick time, I told him we have enough money to lose a few days of his salary. The issue is that he felt like the oxy was causing more pain than his arthritis actually was...coupled with what was going on with SS14 paralleled in a very bad way. Especially when BM started going to SS14's school, and reporting to everyone that would listen that they were taking drugs together. Another one I can't possibly believe...because DH had to bring BM to rehab after their first year of marriage for heroin addiction. And he only stayed with her then because it was the only way to get her to agree to go. I cannot accept that he would encourage and enable his son to do something that ultimately led to the divorce between DH and BM. He used to come home and say "dealing with SS14 is just like dealing with BM!"

After DH and I made our plan, he was happier, and said "Well, I'm feeling better now, so I'll go to work now, and we'll get everything ready tonight when I get home." Before he left he said "Everything is going to be better from here on out." I had a doctor's appointment, and I called him at work to tell him about it, and he told me CPS called him and wanted to see him. I didn't think it was a big deal, it's the umpteenth time she's hotlined us. But never came home that night. He knew it would never stop. No matter what. So he took matters into his own hands.

Kes's picture

So very sorry. My eldest brother committed suicide when I was a child, it has a devastating effect on the whole family. I would suggest that you get yourself a grief counsellor and maybe some help for the kids too - I don't know what ages they are. Or if you feel sufficiently supported, perhaps you can help them to work through their feelings.

One thing I do know is - not talking about it doesn't work. Never a word was said to me, about my brother, from his funeral onwards and this was such a bad idea. It was only my parents and me left at home by then (my middle brother had left home) and we just lived like 3 strangers.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I'm so on it. The first few weeks when everyone was around, they were grieving pretty normally, and both were talking to someone about it. I did get a chance to talk to SS11 when BM had to transport SS14 between rehab facilities. But that's all I got to do, and a few sentences to both of them before the funeral mass.

I called the pediatrician's office and explained what happened, and asked for "red flags" I should be aware of. When the counselor was describing them, I realized she was describing every symptom SS14 ever had, and SS11 was beginning to demonstrate... so I'm well versed in what to watch out for. And none of it is happening. We are spending time together. Creating new routines, watching movies, reading together, but also talking about it when they need to talk about it. Both schools have been amazing. They got crisis intervention teams fist thing in the morning the day I called them, both principals meeting about how to handle it. They asked me for an official wording from the family to keep discretion consistent. And counselors are constantly in the buildings on standby should the kids need them at all.

I am so sorry about your brother. I'm a big believer in letting it out. Feel free to discuss your feelings about it, even now through these forums if there's no place else. That's the great thing about the web, you can just put the words out there, and someone with a good heart will let you and listen. Like everyone in here Smile

yolo222's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you a million hugs. Hang in there and keep pushing on. Try to let go of any anger. Prayers❤️❤️

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I will try my best. A counselor told me I have permission to be angry for a while, so I'll keep it for now. It's not the only one I'm feeling, but being directed at a person I will have no contact with, and letting it out while taking a shower where I can only hear myself seems to be working quite well...not to mention typing quietly to you all.

Tuff Noogies's picture

oh poly...
i have no words. i just want to wrap you up in a giant bear-hug. you are so strong.

AJanie's picture

Beautiful tribute. I am so very sorry. The tribute just reminded me what is important in life. You are in my prayers.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. While the tribute is upsetting to the kids, I love watching it and remembering all the good we had.

classyNJ's picture

Oh Poly, I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have the words to express how sad this makes me. You and your family have my deepest condolences and prayers.

Thumper's picture

Poly

I am stunned and deeply sorry. Gosh there are no words.

My Rosary will be said today 'for Polys husband'...tomorrow for you my dear.

LET BM deal with her kids from this day forward. Your not obligated legally or morally either since she, with her awful tactics helped to destroy your husband any way she could. Your lawyer can handle it all.

Please stay far away from her and anyone associated with her at all costs.

(((HUGS)))

PolyMom's picture

I will. I made it clear to my mother in law, and she said she would never ask me to come within a mile of her. My ex will handle the children having a relationship, and promised to ensure if I'm ever invited anywhere my skids will be, he will be escorting them to and from their house. I am done with her.

Although, I do get a bit of a rush when I got to cancel her child support, and call the doctors trying to bill DH for the boys and know I have to send them on to her. Social security or not, he took care of 100% of everything for those kids. She will drown financially.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. It is a great outlet. Although I have a wonderful support system in the real world, sometimes it helps to repeat the same things over and over again, and I can do that in here.

Is_What_It_Is's picture

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words to describe... my heart is breaking for you. What a beautiful video tribute to the love of your life. Prayers for you and your family.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you so much. I miss him terribly. While it makes the kids sad to see it, I do miss his face, his hands, his personality and his smell very much.

SMto2's picture

There really are no words. I am so, so deeply sorry and can't imagine what you're going through. From one SM to another, sending you peace, love, light and {{{HUGS.}}}

SMforever's picture

Poly, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I too lost a wonderful partner to suicide just over 30 years ago. Don't ever blame yourself for not seeing it coming. I didn't either. I wracked my brains for years over it, but in time, came to accept that karma would take care of those at fault. Think of what he would want for you now, and live a good life, and do good things in his memory.

DarkStar's picture

I'm in tears here. Words are not enough to properly express how sorry I am for you and your family's loss. Prayers for healing and peace to you.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I am trying. I do look forward to sleep every night in hopes that he'll come talk to me for a while. We have a meal train filled for at least a month, and I have to keep eating so the leftovers don't go bad, otherwise I'd probably be skipping that altogether.

Support is definitely getting me through right now. I know I'll have to eventually pick up that slack, everything just feels hard.

Cadence's picture

I watched the video. He was beautiful and I can feel how much you loved him. He had very kind eyes. One look at them shows how sensitive and empathetic he was. He seems like the type who would go to the ends of the earth for the people that he loved - a sensitive soul.

I'm so sorry that he felt like death was the only way out of his pain. I too, wonder if his health was worse off than he wanted you to know. Even so, depression is so tough. It convinces you that there is no hope and no relief from pain.

I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I know I have a long journey of understanding this ahead. All I can do is remember to breathe, take one day at a time, and understand that now the only things that are ultimately important are me, and my two kids. That's how he would have wanted it.