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Am I being unreasonable?

Snapdragon's picture

DH and I have been together for 16 years (married for 6). We have three kids each - all in their mid-20s. We have one of my sons living with us and also one of his, and generally life is good and we all get on. The only person in the family that we have issues with is DH's eldest son who is 28, lives with him mum and step-dad. He is incredibly immature and has never made a secret of the fact that he hates me. Whenever he comes to stay he tries to drive a wedge between DH and I and - is very clever about it. Always sweetness and light to me in front of DH and evil when he's not around. Consequently, DH thinks it's me with a problem and believes the sun shines out of SS's backside.

When DH and I first got together, his first wife was having an affair and they were on the verge of splitting up. We got together and life was pretty unpleasant for the first year, with DH yo-yoing between her and me not sure whether to be with me or give her a second chance and make a go of their marriage. We lived together a few months, then he left and went back to her. Then she started having another affair and he came back to me. This was all years and years ago - but just explaining the roots of my insecurities.

DH's ex-wife has been re-married for 5 years and her new husband is keen for us all to be good friends. I don't have an issue with this in principle. They live 3 hours drive from us, so we have been out for meals with them when visiting DH's sons and we have invited them to have meals with us in return.

However, I am really uncomfortable now, because SS28 has organised a big family two-day outing (sailing, climbing and lots of outdoor activities) near to where they live. His mum, step-dad, two brothers, all of their girlfriends and my DH have all been invited and it means that DH is staying at his ex-wife's house (apparently sleeping on the sofa) for two nights. I told DH that I wasn't happy and didn't think it appropriate for him to be staying at his ex-wife's house. He said I am being stupid, she is married now and not a threat to me - and said that if I am worried, that I can come too. I said that there is no way I am staying at her house - I would have gone if I had actually been invited by his son (which I wasn't) and we were staying in a hotel.

He leaves tonight (Monday) and won't be home until Wednesday night. I am so angry. I feel that he has totally disregarded my feelings. He says I'm being petty and trying to stop him enjoying time with his boys. I reminded him about the early years with him having trouble deciding whether he wanted to be with her or me. I also asked him how he would feel if I decided to go and spend the weekend with my ex-husband.

We are otherwise really happily married - but for me this is a deal breaker.

Would anyone else be happy with this situation? Am I being petty and unreasonable? It would be good to have other people's advice and points of view.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I have one for for this....NO. Maybe two words...NO, NO... One way path to marital destruction for you.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: fine let DH go, but when he comes back his shit will be on the lawn and the locks will be changed,

He's still putting his first family above you, why are you taking it, DH could've said to his kid, We will be there, book a hotel and take you with.... or DH could've said, thank you son but we are taking a rain check...

I divorced your mother and we do not do family things together because we are not family, I respect her new husband enough to keep away..

yolo222's picture

^ this

Acra yup stuff on the lawn when he gets back. Lol

What is it with these men?? Why do the get married if they don't care about their spouse but want to continue to be a family with the ex?? I just don't get it. This is not fair to you op. Maybe counseling would help you all.

uofarkchick's picture

If HE was happily married, I sincerely doubt he would even entertain the thought of sleeping at his ex wife's house. Especially since you have made it clear that it gives you the icks. And I don't see how you married him after knowing he LEFT YOU for HER. You must be the most secure woman in the world because I would never be able to get over that.

Snapdragon's picture

Ha ha - secure not!! I know it sounds like I'm a door mat, but that was 16 years ago. We split up for about a year - We just got together too soon and before the dust had settled from our first marriages. We've been pretty happy since and to be honest, I don't think he would look twice at his ex-wife now (she's ballooned to the size of a house!)

I'm just sick of this playing 'happy families' - his boys are grown men. Yes it's great to be polite and friendly at family occasions when we all need to be together. I just don't get him wanting to spend time with his ex and her husband and family all the time. Last year, they invited us to join them for a long weekend holiday (including her parents and sister and family) - I was p****d off then and refused to go - DH went alone. It caused huge rows then - now he's doing it again.

We do have a 'happy' marriage - we generally get on really well and have a good social life together. We just have this huge stumbling block - I just don't get why he can't see that it's wrong to want to spend the weekend with his ex and her family as well as his boys. He genuinely seems to think its a 'normal' thing to do. That's why I asked this question - I was beginning to think that I'm the one with the problem, but clearly most people on here think its outrageous too. Maybe I should print off your responses and show him!!

uofarkchick's picture

Nah, girl, he would call us all judgmental witches. If his mind is made up and even his wife can't get through, we certainly won't be able to. The call of the "happy family" illusion is just too strong for some.

pinkb's picture

Snap, the RIGHT answer from your husband upon receiving this invitation AFTER discussing with you would have been "Thank you for the kind invitation. and I would love to join you. Perhaps you can suggest a nice hotel or bed and breakfast in your area. We would love to see you but this will also be an excellent opportunity to see you guys and have a little alone time to ourselves".

Then TOGETHER you pick a couple of activities that you want to join in on and have a nice mini-vacay for the two of you".

Just my 2c.

sandye21's picture

If my DH decided to stay at his ex-wife's house after I said it bothered me I would tell him to take enough clothes for an extended visit - because he would not be able to return to our home. It's pure and simple - a deal breaker. Ask him what he would think if you wanted to stay with an ex? Calling you stupid is also a deal breaker - not a sign of a happy marriage.

Rags's picture

All I have to say about this situation is .. OH HELL NO... you are not being unreasonable.

That DH is actually going would be a deal breaker for me were I you. He would not hear from me for the duration of his trip and when he got home he would find the locks re-keyed, his crap in a cheap mini storage place in a ghetto, and divorce papers on the door when he tried his key.

Nope, nope, nope.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

THIS ^^^^^

phxsuns_1963's picture

Uhm, big negative. My now DH did that ONE time with his ex-wife. She called to have him come up and stay with their kids so they could enjoy "Christmas" as a family. Did he go? Yep. He came back late that night (she lived about 2hrs away then, and obviously had custody at that time), and he was locked out. It was snowing, wind was blowing, and the phone was off the hook (this was in 1997) so no phone calls came through. The next morning when I got up, he was sound asleep in his vehicle, wrapped up in a sleeping bag, in the garage. Let's just say he never pulled some crazy crap like that again!!

enuf's picture

He is trying the same scenario of when he was going back and forth between you and her. He may not be planning on having sex, but truthfully if she came out buck naked in the middle of the night do you think he would go for it??? His ego is probably feeling very inflated at the moment at the thought that that he could revert back to having variety in his sexual life. Otherwise why would he not care of how you feel when a few dollars spent at a hotel, instead of staying at his ex's, would make you happy. Please pay attention to his actions and they are saying a lot about his priorities. Very sad priorities to say the least.

Snapdragon's picture

OK - here's the update. I probably dealt with this whole thing wrong and my marriage is probably over but here goes.

He left on Monday as he said he would. As he went out of the door I told him that it was a deal breaker - that if he stayed at his ex-wife's it would be over. I told him that if he decided to stay in a B&B or hotel - I wouldn't have an issue.

Anyway - off he went without a word. We have a find my friends app on our phones, so I could see exactly where he was. He arrived in ex-wife's town. They all went out to dinner and he was at her house until morning. It then showed up the various 'fun' places they were visiting. Another nice restaurant out in the evening and another overnight stay at her house.

This is the stupid bit. By night two - with no call, text or anything from him, I drank a whole bottle of wine and then posted on Facebook how unhappy I was. Of course all my friends jumped on board asking what was wrong so I posted up that my husband was spending two nights with the ex and and how unhappy I was. They all jumped on board saying how unreasonable he was and they couldn't believe he would do such an insensitive thing. Anyway - after a couple of hours I thought better and deleted the post - but SS and their girlfriends had all seen the posts and let DH know about it.

When he got home eventually late on Wednesday night, I was already in bed and he slept in the spare room. On the advice of a friend, in the morning I asked him if I could talk to him rationally about what had happened, but he wasn't having any of it. He said that I had humiliated him to all of his friends and family (he is very proud and likes to think that everyone thinks he is always the good guy). He turned everything round to me being the cause of all of the problems.

He won't speak to me at all - sent me this text: "I have no feelings for ex-wife as I have said many times before. You decided to shame me to your family and mine and any of the friends I have made on the way. You want to break me for supporting my sons and you have. I will make this easy, but this is my house and I have every right to stay here."

So - in theory (and he has done this many times before) he has turned the whole situation around to make out that he is the good guy and I am in the wrong. It's all just so depressing! Sad

sandye21's picture

That's B.S.!! DH is seriously undervaluing your intelligence. What he did was wrong, wrong WRONG! The problem is, he knows there is no reasonable way he can support his actions to most people. He needs to face the consequences for trying to get an ego boost at your personal and emotional expense. When you married him he took vows to honor and cherish you. This does not fit the definitions of either. Does he own the house? If you own it jointly with him you still have the right to tell him to leave until he is prepared to deliver a heartfelt apology. Even then ---?

yolo222's picture

This sounds like my ex. And we are no longer together. I broke it off with him. He does not respect you or the relationship. I don't normally tell people to end their relationships... but seriously dear.. you are better off without this man. He will NEVER put you first.. ever. He just proved that. Believe what he is showing you. You can do better.

pinkb's picture

Dear Snap... FruitSalad nailed it on the head. If your husband was so worried about being "shamed" then don't perform the "shaming" behavior. If it wasn't wrong and he didn't KNOW his behavior was wrong why would he care that you published it to the world. Short answer: HE WOULDN'T. It would be one thing if you made up a bunch of stuff that he did but you merely told the truth about what he did and your feelings about it.

In most states it is a COUPLE'S home. That may not be the case if you moved in a home that he owned before you were married. If you file for separation, especially with this situation which many would consider emotional abuse, I'm pretty sure that he'll be the one that has to leave and not you.

I guess the real question is are YOU done? If you are rip the band-aid off and get it over with.

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

Exactly! You have "shamed" him? All you did was report to FB what your DH was doing - if the behaviour was shameful then that has come from his own lips!

enuf's picture

Gee, I used to hate when that was done to me. Make everything my fault. My ex would even apologize by saying "I am so sorry you are feeling the way are" not "I am sorry that what I did hurt you or what I did was wrong." He would never, ever, admit to doing anything wrong and it sounds as if your dh is reading the same script.

Tell him to FO that from now on that you are going to post everything on facebook until he is able to apologize for needing to be in a space where he can smell his ex wife's scent. He had a great time and does not want to feel guilty and therefore his strategy is to reverse the blame. Do not fall for it, as it is just a strategy for him to "win".

Go on facebook and write "my DH and I had a falling apart because he stayed at his exwife's when he easily could have stayed in a hotel. Now he is pouting because he feels he has been shamed." Let everyone who reads it interpret it the way they want. Who gives a F*ck what the sks think. Let facebook be the tool to get your dh to approach you if even to ask you to stop posting. Jerk!!!

notasm3's picture

Me - I'd probably post on FB how my STBXDH accused me of "shaming" him because I outed him for spending two nights with his ex. And post a poll about how many people thought that was appropriate behavior that I should accept.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Not a woman in the world with even the lowest of IQ's-- would put up with this treatment for one single minute.... He'd never get back in my bed and I would give him good reason to be absolutely thrilled to move out away from me.... He is the lowest of low...this is not YOUR fault. Do not let him make you think so for one minute. He is screwed in the head and you need him to leave so you can find happiness with somebody who makes you and your feelings a priority.

Time to close the door on this relationship, he does not deserve you.

hereiam's picture

he is very proud and likes to think that everyone thinks he is always the good guy

If he is such the good guy, he would not have left his wife at home to go spend time at his ex-wife's, especially when his wife expressed her reservations about it.

You decided to shame me to your family and mine and any of the friends I have made on the way.

If he truly felt he was doing nothing wrong or out of the ordinary, why would he feel shamed?

He has no feelings for the ex-wife. So what? Does he have any feelings for you and YOUR feelings?

You want to break me for supporting my sons and you have.

Boo-hoo. You never said he couldn't be supportive of his sons, just that you preferred he not do it under his ex-wife's roof. I don't think that is unreasonable.

He's an ass. But you already knew that. Years ago.

Snapdragon's picture

Well - one week on, DH is still sleeping the spare room and will barely talk to me as he still insists that he has done nothing wrong and that I have ruined our marriage by posting on Facebook (incidentally, I posted an apology on FB a couple of days later (not to him - but to the world) saying that it was inappropriate to air my dirty laundry in public and that I apologised if it caused any offence - I had loads and loads of lovely supportive comments from friends).

Anyway - I spoke to him briefly this morning and told him that not ONE SINGLE person (friends on FB and I showed him my post on here and all the responses) have said that his behaviour was appropriate or considerate. He said that it is because everyone has only heard my side of the story and he hasn't had the chance to give his side. I asked what his side would be and that I would post it here to see if it sways all of your opinions on the matter - so here it is - his side of the story:

"My marriage to XW has been over for years - I have absolutely no feelings for her what so ever yet every time we get together DW goes off on a roll 'XW this and XW that' it's ridiculous - she is happily married to her new husband. I have only slept over at her house four times in the entire time I've been with DW and every time she kicks off a great fuss for nothing. I love to spend time with my boys and I can't understand why she would try to stop me. She wanted me to stay in a hotel - but that is ridiculous too - why would I want to spend a lovely day with my boys and then go back to a lonely hotel room, when I can spend the entire night with them and enjoy breakfast all together in the morning. Also - what a waste of money - why would I spend $60 - $100 on a room, when I'm offered a perfectly good room at XW's house. Her husband doesn't have a problem with it so I don't see why DW should. Also, my X-parents in law live in the same house and I love the chance to catch up with them all - we were really close when I was married to XW - went on big family holidays and I miss them. If I stayed in a hotel, I wouldn't be able to enjoy spending time with them too."

So there it is. Just one thing I did point out to him - as mentioned, when I first got with DH he yo-yo'd back and forth between me and XW not sure whether to stay with her or leave her for me. I almost had a nervous breakdown over it (he knows I cracked up over the situation and became suicidal - another thing he throws in my face as 'emotional blackmail - but I can't help that I reached rock bottom and felt that way). In the first three years we were together (once he had finally decided to leave XW for good, every time I met her (when we were picking up and dropping off kids etc) she would totally blank me and act like I didn't exist. I am pretty sure that she bad mouthed me to her boys too 'the evil women who took daddy away'. Yet the day she met her new husband (baring in mind that at this time she had been single for several years and he met her knowing her marriage had been over for a very long time) she suddenly wanted us all to be best friends and play happy families - meals together, even holidays! Her new husband has only ever seen this 'lovely happy families' side of the situation - he was never part of the vile acid years - so consequently, he also thinks I'm being a complete b***h too.

So - hearing his side of the story - do you still think that I am being unreasonable to be upset that he WANTS to stay at XW's house - even though he has made it clear that it is purely to be with his boys and he has no interest in her, or do I have justification for feeling as though he puts a knife in my stomach and twists it slowly each time it happens?

yolo222's picture

No. Your husband is a complete idiot. He has disregarded your feelings. You are his wife. You come first. Your feelings count. He should not be staying with his x period. There is no reason for it. His response is ridiculous. He should apologize to you and beg for forgiveness. Wow. Unbelievable!!

yolo222's picture

For me this would be grounds for divorce. I feel your pain lady. I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is no excuses for your husbands behavior.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Mr. Snapdragon, you have "only slept there 4 times."

That is four times too many.

Completely unacceptable under any circumstances.

If you miss your ex-laws so much, you can have your own shindig and invite them.

Mr. Snapdragon, I think 4 times at her house is maybe actually not enough. I think you should stop sleeping on Snapdragon's couch and go move in with your ex-wife. I think you will be much happier.

You are certainly not fit to be husband or boyfriend to any other woman.

Snapdragon's picture

Wickedsm - you are right. I do exactly what you say - give him grief and then usually back down feeling like I'm the one in the wrong, forgiving and then getting trying to get back on track. I am a bit of a doormat. However, the only reason why I do this is because I love him and we've been together for a very long time. 90% of the time we are the greatest of friends, we have the same interests and spend the majority of our time together. We have also spent the last four years totally renovating an old derelict house (we live in the UK) and the thought of splitting up and losing everything we have worked so hard for together is frankly terrifying.

That is the reason why I posted about this - because it is the one massive elephant in the room and we can't seem to resolve it because we both believe that we are in the right.

The biggest thing of all is the fact that he doesn't seem to care if my feelings are hurt on not. I have always really believed that despite our ups and downs that he does love me - but I now question this because if you truly love someone, even if you don't agree with their point of view, you would try to avoid the action that is causing them so much distress.

He used an example - I am going to visit a friend in Australia in a few weeks. He said that if he told me that he was upset that I was staying with her because he thought that her husband fancied me (totally theoretical) and said he was really unhappy with me staying at her house, then I would still stay with her anyway. I actually know for a fact - 100% - I would not. If I really thought that the situation would make him unhappy, I would thank my friend for offering to put me up, but say that it's easier for everyone if I stay in a guest house and arrange to meet and do things with her away from her home. I wouldn't do it (even if I thought it ridiculous) because I wouldn't want to hurt him and I wouldn't want to jeopardize my marriage.

Anyway - thanks for your input - I was impressed by how well you summed up my situation. On the positive note - if things do go belly up my daughter is a family lawyer!! Smile

sandye21's picture

I've altered my opinion: Snapdragon, I STILL believe your DH is being unreasonable. But after reading 'His Side', and knowing that he has punished you for a week, I also think he is extremely cheap, selfish, sadistic and stupid.

Give him the choice of knocking off the gaslighting and the B.S. or he is out.

sammigirl's picture

Years ago I found out that the nicer you are to the Ex and Skids, the harder it is to correct in the end. This is exactly what has happened with you. SS28 is doing all of this, well knowing it is a bad thing for your marriage.

I would make arrangements to go with your DH and get a nice hotel room. Now is the time to begin setting new boundaries. I would be truthful with your DH and tell him you are going to begin setting some boundaries with all of this coziness. It is getting way too cozy and You are not being unreasonable.

I have NEVER invited BM to our home; she is never allowed even on the property. Any events are in a public place and not in BM's home nor ours. My SD56 is now limited to when she comes to our home. I was nice for 30+ years and it began to get out of hand, such as your situation. I attended family events, etc.; the SD and BM snubbed me and then SGD31 began the same treatment to me.

(1) My DH is welcome to spend as much time with his kids and their families as he wishes. I join him when I wish. DH thinks it is all my imagination, because SD56 is also sweet to me in his presence and hates me; she even wrote a 2 page email saying how much she hates me. DH read it, but says "she doesn't mean all of that". Whatever!

(2) I do not go to SD's home and she is not allowed in our home, when I am here (disengaged from SD for 7 years). SD lives one block away and DH can go to visit them any time he wishes, which he never does go; why I don't know, maybe too much effort. I do not go to SGD31's home; DH can do as he pleases. I have never barred SGD31 from our home, but she doesn't come, because her mother (SD) is not allowed.

(3) I do not do holiday dinners or family BBQ's any longer (3 years now). If Skids or SGkids want to do that, who cares; sometimes I go, most of the time DH goes and I stay home, where I am not berated. With that said, they do not have every holiday with DH, we have holidays to ourselves and do as we wish most of the time. Again DH's choice.

(4) My DH knows if he stays anywhere near BM, over night, he would have to take his suitcase and it would be a permanent stay. My DH has already had a short stay with SD56, because he was being stupid.

The only person that can change this circus is you. Start now! Good Luck and hugs. This is not fun, but it is possible to change it, one way or another. You shouldn't inflict misery on yourself Lady. When you don't care any more what they all think, you will heal.