Re-engaging after long disengagement
And I actually feel good about it, maybe it's because I have an out, I made DH promise me If I do all these things he wants me to do for her, if she starts with the bully behavior towards me, she's going to have to go to BMs or GBMs while he's at work from then on. I'll revert back to disengaged SM mode, with the added bonus of skid not being in the house most of the time. I'll probably give her a couple of extra chances, because I know she doesn't like being at BMs, much less GBMs, and I think part of her problem, besides the lack of parenting and chores here ---which is going to change pretty soon!--- is that BM is not very involved with her, and GBM even less so. So if she still can't be nice, she's gone. I told her if we have a good summer together, I'll take her to a theme park that I had already planned on taking our kiddos to without her this year.
So far so good, I helped her get ready for a field trip she's going on this weekend, bought her her first grown up swimsuit and a pair of goggles while she was out, so she can join us at the pool, really feeling positive about it, or at least trying to.
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I hope it works out for you
I hope it works out for you and for your SD. Hopefully, she will begin to appreciate your involvement.
No biggie, it came from
No biggie, it came from household money, and she'll need it other places than going to the pool with me. Hopefully swimming at a friends house :). Yes, DH laid out how she is to behave, what she is not to do, and what the consequences will be, and she agreed.
Sometimes things do change
Sometimes things do change for the better - and sometimes they don't.
A woman that I recently met (late 30s or early 40s) told me that she HATED her SM as a teen. She moved out at 15 or 16 (and lived with my SIL who is a saint). She said that she and her SM are totally cool now. I did not press for details so I don't know much more than that.
She's a decent person that now. I have no clue as to what went on when she was a teen. All I know is that the situation was horrible and now it's not.
I coached him on what he
I coached him on what he needed to tell her. No ignoring me then scowling at me, no comparing me to her mother, and no saying mean things about me, or she's going to find herself at BM's all summer long. She agreed to the terms.
SD behaves this way in front of everyone, I swear, it's like she needs to prove to the world her mom is better than me (even though everyone already knows things are not peachy perfect at her mom's house)... then she has to put me down on top of it. It's pretty obvious she has a problem because I do things for her, that her mother won't do for her. The biggest problem is that DH defends her, so I can't say anything. So I stepped back, stopped doing those things, stopped cooking for her, because she makes everything into a competition with her mom. So DH is well aware of her behavior. DH has a problem where he just sits on it. He feels sorry for her. She's actually better behaved when it's just me, than when around everyone else.
I don't mind reengaging, I just want a peaceful home, I care about SD, I really do, I've been watching her since she was 2, and I've invested a lot of time and care into her raising, otherwise I probably wouldn't have put up with this for so long, but it's just wearing on me... I really don't mind caring for her, but I can't be in charge of her if she's going to abuse me. I was seriously dreading this summer, stuck in a hot house, not able to go anywhere.. I'm just glad I have a resolution, and I got DH to agree to consequences for her behavior. Really the consequences are for both of them, he doesn't want to send her to BM's either. I really don't think he wants to admit to BM that he can't handle his daughter, it's always been a matter of pride that he's been the main caretaker for SD (actually I have, except for the last year, but he's the actual parent and gets the honorary pat on the back). So, If he can't stop her from acting like a jerk towards me, and I have to stay at home all summer because I can't trust her to not take what I do for her the right way, he simply needs to send her elsewhere.