How did you disengage?
I'm sure that everyone who has found it necessary to disengage from the SKids has a story to tell about how the went about it. Did you ease into it? Did you cut off your support all at once? Did you continue to do some things but not others? Did you do things DH asked of you on behalf of the SKids? Do you think that you might ever attempt to re-engage? Is it possible for parents whose SKids live in the same home to disengage, and if so, to what level?
For me, it was easier because SD lived with BM, and my disengagement was complete and instantaneous. SD was 16 years old. I finally had all I was going to take, and I called it quits. Cold turkey!
1. I immediately cut off all communication with her.
2. I told DH that I would no longer be involved with his child in any way and told him that she was not welcome in our home for any reason.
3. I diligently worked toward getting hubby to limit his communication with me about her. I don't think he will ever be capable of terminating all communication about her, but he no longer feels compelled to tell me every single detail, and I no longer offer even a word of advice on how to handle his problems with her.
4. I quit being her personal chauffeur, and I told hubby that, even in cases of dire emergency, he should not consider me as a point of contact.
5. I quit buying presents for special occasions, and refused to purchase anything on hubby's behalf. If he wants her to have a present, he has to go to the store, purchase it, and wrap it himself. As a matter of fact, when I made up my mind to disengage it was a few weeks before Christmas. I unwrapped every single present that I purchased for her and returned them to the stores.
6. I don't put myself in places where she and I may have to interact such as his family's gatherings.
It hasn't always been easy. There have been more than a few disagreements between DH and myself over my boundaries, but in the long run, I believe we are both happier because of them. As for re-engaging with SD...I don't foresee that ever happening.
So, what's your story?