UPDATE on the feral Zebra
DH has gone from being sad, to mad, to quite reasonable in the course of the day . He had to do a lot of driving today for his job, and it's given him time to do a lot of thinking. So, he tried calling his DD to tell her what he expected from her and let her know that he won't be taken advantage of anymore. Well, no surprise, she'd blocked his number from her phone. So, instead, he called her DH.
I doubt calling the SIL was the perfect thing to do, but what's done is done. They had a long conversation. SIL recognizes that his wife has anger issues, is destructive, spoiled, entitled and irresponsible with money. He says that it's already caused problems in their marriage that DH wasn't even aware of.
He confided in DH that, if she continues to try to live above their means, it will mean big financial problems for them. (They have already maxed out their credit cards to pay for going over budget on the wedding.) He also feels like, with her returning to college, that she is doing it as a means to avoid the responsibility of a full time job because her true goal is to be a well kept housewife. (That's probably going to be a little difficult since SIL is a commission based car salesman. )
DH apologized to him because he now feels that he could've done a better job teaching her how to be a responsible adult instead of bailing her out every time she got in over her head. He told SIL that he was welcome to call him and that he appreciated the level of respect that he's always shown him, but he would no longer try to buy his daughter's love, and he was sorry if that hurt SIL in the process.
He asked SIL to let her know that he is still her dad and still loves her very much, and when she's ready to have an adult relationship based on mutual respect, he'll be there. Until then, he won't be calling or trying to participate in their lives because he just won't tolerate that level of disrespect.
In the course of 14 months, DH has come a very long way. It all began when he told her that he wouldn't be paying for the carpet she ripped out of her apartment. That was quickly followed by his refusal to pay for her going WAY over budget on her wedding and refusing to give her $1k to purchase clothes for her honeymoon. (He did give her $1k a few months after she got married so she could buy tires for her car, but instead of buying tires, she traded the car in on a brand new one.) DH did make me laugh when he said that, the next time he had money burning a hole in his pocket, he would go downtown and find a homeless person to give it to who would appreciate it.
I'm still sad for DH, but it's easier to take now that he's not so heart broken. He said that he's never taken that kind of abuse from anyone in his life, and he's not letting her do it one minute longer.
I'm so proud of him. <3
Oh, Lord, I hope SIL double
Oh, Lord, I hope SIL double wraps it. Please have DH warn him what comes next.
It's really nice that DH received some validation from SIL, and SIL maybe got some validation from DH. I love genuine people who are able to bare themselves to others.
Tell DH that if he has $1k in his pocket to book a flight for two to Bora Bora. Reward each other with a little romance. Brown chicken brown cow.
You are so right! God help us
You are so right! God help us all if she winds up pregnant.
I'm still not convinced that calling SIL was the right thing to do, but it did seem like they both felt better after their conversation.
I really think he should not
I really think he should not have talked to the SIL. They are married now and she is going to hear about it and just create more drama for you guys.
That's my thought too, barb.
That's my thought too, barb. I think it would've been better if he could've spoken directly to her, or if he'd just quit trying to communicate with her all together. She would've gotten the picture if he'd just disappeared.
At least, in talking to SIL, he was able to have a civil conversation and apologize for any hardships created for SIL by withdrawing his financial support.
I think it's great that he talked to the SIL
Arguably he is family now, also benefiting from your DH's financial help.
The more info the people in your SD's life share, the more ugly truth will be revealed. Narcs are very good at compartmentalizing relationships, because they can more easily control individuals and the narrative that way. Yes, your SD may go ballistic, but who cares? Rugsweeping never solves anything, and maybe this way, the balance of power will tip.
Applause to your DH for
Applause to your DH for reconnecting with some testicular fortitude. The man to man with SIL was IMHO exactly right. That it occurred just between the two of them is also the right thing. These things don't tend to go so well when the conversation occurs when the wives are present. For some reason men tend to get all protective when these discussions occur with tthe ladies are around. That SIL engaged to the level he did is very telling. This guy may just have the huevos to be able to keep your SD in check... but... I completely agree that SIL needs to double wrap it. I avoided a life sentence of pure hell by avoiding spawning with my XW. That was due mainly to pure dumb luck though... or a fertility issue on my part. Either way... it was a major blessing to not have poluted my gene pool with that skank whore daughter of a embezzling felon.
Thanks, Rags. I'm sure that
Thanks, Rags. I'm sure that it was most definitely a more mature and informative conversation between the 2 of them than it would've been between DH & SD. (That would've just been an emotional trainwreck after the first few sentences and zero insight would've been imparted to either of them.)
I'm not sure if SIL is man enough to handle this girl, though. She rules her roost through fear and intimidation, and SIL does whatever she says to keep her happy in spite of his better judgement. Maybe that will change since he is now perfectly aware that DH won't be bailing them out anymore.
Glad you avoided an anchor to your ex in the form of a tiny human. I really do hope that SIL is smart enough to avoid giving her additional ammunition against himself and DH!
MH,
your SD sounds so much like my DH's eldest daughter. She is also a narcissist who controls through fear, intimidation, and angry outbursts. I used to feel sorry for her current H, but at his age he's old enough to know better and dumb enough to take the abuse. Thank goodness he's had a vasectomy.