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Who is paying for your skids college education?

grayskies's picture

You and DH together? DH from a separate account? DH and BM together? How do you feel about spending thousands of dollars for your skid's education if you don't particularly care for this kid to begin with? Is it your obligation if you are married to DH or in a long term committed relationship? This is a hot topic at our house right now....your opinions are appreciated.....

jellybeansaregreat's picture

I think it is fair to pay up to 50% of tuition (if we could afford it)to each of my stepkids, I have two, and to my own kids, I have two. The other 50% will be either their BM's reponsibility, financial aid, or from their own job. In order to recieve my financial support, they have to demonstrate serious efforts, planning, goals, and attitude in their studies. This is the same criteria for financial institutions to lend money to anyone. Why not train them to understand the real world? There is just no free lunch.

Chavez's picture

When I married DH, I knew he had 3 children and I took on not only the responsibility to help him raise those children emotionally as needed, but to help financially as well. I am certain that when SDs reach college age (SS22 is out and his school was paid for thankfully!) we will be splitting any unpaid costs with BM and her DH to the best of our ability. I feel like it is my responsibility as DH's wife to help support his children and I have no problem with that.

Kate2's picture

I also think that sharing the education costs is the best way to cope with your DH kids education, if you really love him, the natural thing to do is to share his burden the way he will share yours. My step daughter opted for a nursing degree online, she really wanted to be able to work while studying but I have never turned my back on her and offered my support wholeheartedly.

happymostly's picture

my sd is 6, so she has a long way to go, but by then, me and dh will have been married for 14 years, so i dont think I'll have a problem paying for some of sd's college, as long she doesnt turn into a spoiled brat! lol but dh has a savings account for her right now that he puts money in every time he gets paid. Im sure he wont pay for all of it, and I dont think he should, I had to pay for college all on my own (and was able to find scholarships too!) so im not going to pay for all my future kids college either. But if my kids choose not to go to college (but are productive members of society and apply themselves) or choose to go to a vocational school i wont be upset either. I just want them to be happy and upstanding individuals!

SusiQ's picture

We're dealing with this now with SS
He was going to a state school where somehow BM was claiming that his parents made less than $60,000 a year so he could get free tuition. Except I'm married to DH so I know this is a huge lie - we never signed anything so she's defrauded the state. SS wanted to go to a different state school but she didn't want him that far away so somehow she talked him into going to a private school in our area. Again somehow he's getting pell grants so I know she's lying on something, student loans plus private loans. She has not footed a dime. His SF co-signed on the private loans for the first year and then he came to us for this summer and next year. He basically doesn't have a job which I told him he needed to get one. DH & I have our own bills to pay and I'm sorry but it's not our responsibility. We are paying on my student loans. I would have felt better about helping (if we could) if he was at least helping himself or heck even volunteering for a good cause or was taking a large class load - Nope 8 hours a week of work, 12-14 hours and a lot of weekends of going out of town. Sorry help yourself out first!

SusiQ's picture

technically she's not the custodial parent tho - DH had full custody of SS as per the divorce decree (sorry I forgot to mention that). On the FAFSA yes it only uses that income I think but for our free tutition program for our state - it's both of them - so I know that she did

violetforest's picture

In our state step parent and bio parents incomes DO count, we had to hand over all taxes including step parents. All income is taken into account. In our situation the kids are responsible for paying for their own education. My husband and I paid for ours and our kids will pay for theirs.

Rags's picture


The Feds want to know step parent and parent income regarless of the age of the student. I sold my business and went back to school full time when I was 26. I had been on my own for 5yrs+ and the idiots in financial aid insisted on me providing my parents income when I applied for financial aid. I faught with those bottom 10%er morons for nearly an hour to no avail. I did not even ask my parents for a copy of their tax returns to give to those dipshits.

Needless to say I got no aid and qualified only for supplemental private lender student loans. No PEL grants, no subsidized or guaranteed loans, nothing.

Interestingly the young minority woman who came in the office immediately behind me who did not know who her father was, lived with her grandmother who was on the dole, and whose mother was also leaching off of the ass of the tax payers got more than $20K in grants and "scholarships" for a single semester that she did not have to pay a dime on. We both went in to pick up our checks on the same day.

I had to fill out a reem of forms and she had to fill out a one page form front and back. I got debt and she got the golden give away for those unwilling to provide for themselves.

At that time I wrote off any dipshit that supports government idiocy and became all about accountability for one's own performance.

As my tag line says "each according to their performance". If "you" don't earn it you should not get SHIT!!!! That would be the proverbial all encompacing generic "you" and not you specifically.

Interestingly a year and half later she was walking around campus pregnant with no wedding ring in expensive clothes and ended up quiting school.

I graduated and paid back my loans.

I firmly believe in helping those willing to the work to help themselves. My wife was a single teen welfare (health insurance assisance for SS, WIC, subsidized day care) mom college student. She went on to finish her BS an MBA and a CPA. She also had student loans she had to pay off. We paid hers off too.

IMHO if a grant/scholarship recipient drops out that aid should instantly convert to a market rate loan subject to immediate repayment on installments for 20yrs.

The young lady who got the financial aid golden give away during my financial aid nightmare is exactly the type who should have rather than walking away from school when faced with adverscity scott free financially should have had every penny of those grants and scholarships converted to market rate loans and should have had to labor for the the rest of her life to return that money so it could be used for someone worth a shit.

At that time I also worked with a guy who dropped out of school with more than $30K in loans who bitched incessently that he should not have to pay back loans for a degree he did not complete????? Every time he would bitch I would tell him to get his ass back to school or shut the hell up.

I don't care what any one's background is. Your worth is determined by your performance and nothing else.

Step up or get the F out of the way and don't consume the resources earned by others that can go to those willing to improve their lot and station in life.

IMHO of course.

Sorry to launch my rant off of your response.

But ..... now I feel better. Dirol

NCMilGal's picture

DH and I will pay up to half of SD14's college, but SD will have to get scholarships and loans to cover BM's part since BM is beyond useless at doing anything with money other than spending it.

There will be a LOT of strings attached to the money; she'll go to a school of our choice, the amount will be dependent on grades, she'll live with us and pay us "rent". (The "rent" will be reasonable, under $200/month, and given back to her as a gift upon graduation, but she won't know that.)

Instead of saving for the kids college, BM would rather drive a new convertible every two years and live in a huge house with a pool and furniture bought on credit. She and her DH make between $100k-$125k/year as far as we can figure, and they owe over $300k on the house and cars alone, without SD14's half-brother's private school kindergarten tuition. Of course BM has no money for anything.

BM has already threatened SD14 that if SD doesn't get enough scholarships or wants to work for a year to save money that she (BM) will force SD to join the military. We had to explain to SD that she cannot be forced to join anything, because she's petrified of the idea.

Luckily, SD14 is counting down the months until she can flee BM's house.

MadeMyBed's picture

ugh, boy am I dreading this! In my state, which is one of the strictest ones, parents have to split. How we are going to do this is beyond me. If anyone read any of my other posts ( Smile ), then you know BM makes twice what DH makes and owns 4 (yes, 4!) houses so SKs are probably going to be out of luck regarding scholarships and, due to SS16 medicore grades, any grants.

Not sure how in the world we will pay for anythng as we struggle now, all I know is we are NOT co-signing any loans! If we could even be approved for them. I have heard horror stories about this when the kid cant find a job after college and defaults. I will NOT be on the hook for that! I am also still paying my student loans. My parents couldnt afford college for me so I found scholarships, grants and took out a boatload of loans. Wish I didnt have to, but that is life.

now4teens's picture

DH and I, as usual, foot the bill for EVERYTHING- and yes, DH pays HEFTY CS, even though it's 50-50. And we will pay 100% for FOUR college tuitions. (We have 5 kids, but one "special" child who will not go to college).

DH has 3 daughters- oldest SD is going into her junior year of college. In fact, she attends the most expensive college in the country at over $53K/year plus extras. DH pays for it all.

Middle SD is going into her first year this August. We're getting off 'lucky' as she's going to a State school. Middle SD doesn't even live with us- she chose to live with BM and hates us thanks to years of brainwashing by BM, but DH is STILL paying 100% of her college.

BS17 will also be taken care of by DH and I, as my ex flat out refuses to ante up anything for his education, and he already told me son this (so sad and pathetic).

SD15 is going into her Sophmore year of HS, and she knows her college money is ready and waiting for her.

Because DH makes more than a decent salary, the kids are NOT eligible for any financial aid. ZERO. So this is the gift DH and I CHOOSE to give them- the first four years of college paid for entirely. If they choose to go to Graduate School, then they are on their own (or ask the 'OTHER' parent...but good luck with that!)

Trust me, I know how truly blessed we are to be in this position- most families simply cannot. But it just boils my blood when BM and my ex simply REFUSE to do even the littlest bit for their children. Oldest SD is going into her 3rd year of college and in all that time, I don't think BM has spent $200 on her college expenses! How is that fair???

I hope they appreciate it. Lord knows BM and my ex DON'T!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Well in my house since BM doesn't pay half of anything and doesn't pay CS for SS17 either we have already discussed that SS17 will have to take out student loans to pay for his college.
We will of course help with whatever we can, but I refuse to let DH get himself into debt taking out loans for his sons school. SS isn't big on school anyway and I can foresee getting into debt to help him being a big problem because chances are he won't do well anyway.
My BS12 however already has a college fund and whatever he doesn't get in scholarships I will cover. I do not expect DH to help me pay for my BS12 college so I don't expect to pay for his sons either.
My 2 older boys, one decided not to go the college route and the other is in the military so the military is paying for him to go to school.

Shaman29's picture

Fortunately, there is nothing in the CO regarding college. DH's kid will have to pay for college the same way DH and I did. Uberskank didn't attend college but did go to trade schools. We have encouraged good grades, grants and scholarships. Otherwise she will have to work her way through college and will hopefully qualify for grants and to help her out.

I think all kids should earn their own way through college. They might actually work a little harder if it's on their dime.

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

Sometimes depending where you live I think you can be required to pay 1/3 of the college costs, even if it's not in your CO.

Shaman29's picture

Our state only covers child support until the child is 18 and not attending school, 21 if the child attends college, emancipated minor or marriage before 18 (21 if in college). Medical, dental and life insurance (on the NCP) are written into the CO.

However, either way I wouldn't bat an eyelash if DH and Uberskank both had the kind of income where they could afford to pay the kid's way. Another reason I keep my finances separate.

Shaman29's picture

FYI - This has nothing to do with having a skid. That doesn't matter to me one way or another. If I had kids I wouldn't pay for them either.

steptwins's picture

His Mom! Get that one. Grandmom's paying for swins, her only grandchildren.

steptwins's picture

Dumb me though - didn't address it when I got divorced for BD so I'm paying 100% of it since her BD decided her grades weren't college material and wasn't going to waste his (their) money on her. They did however just get a built-in pool installed last month & SM is a SAHM.

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

We have college accounts for each stepson and are planning on giving them that for college. If they decide to go to a private school, it may only pay 1 year. If they go public, it should pay more. I believe Bm also has accounts for each of them (although I'm sure it's more than what we have). I would assume that BM will pay whatever we don't cover...JMO though.

Rags's picture

Originally the plan was for his mom and I to pay for it. Since he has maturity issues and paying for tuition/room/board at this time would be tantamount to wiping our asses with money then flushing it ..... he is going to pay for it if even chooses to go to school.

I am willing to reimburse the cost of each semester if he achieves a C or better in every course he attempts for each semester. If he gets a D in any class he gets no money from his mom and I for that semester.

We want him to understand the correlation between effort/performance/results.

When and if he starts school he can call the CSE office an initiate payroll withholding from his BioDad's pay for CS until he is age 22 as long as he is at least a half time student and as long as he is meeting the schools minimum academic standards.

I am confident that eventually he will finish college. Though it is likely that he will take a similar path through school as the one I took. I was on the 11yr plan, changed my major 7 times before I finally settled on engineering and graduated with my BS with more than 250 semester hours of credit. I was in at least one class every semester for 11yrs.

Rags's picture

I did not change majors 11 times but I was in school every semester for 11yrs before I finished my undergrad.

Rags 11yr undergrad career sequence of majors.

1. Biology/Pre-Med
2. Mathematics
3. Engineering
4. Sociology
5. Political Science
6. Finance
7. Economics
2A/8. Engineering - BS

Grad School - 4 yrs - MBA (I was on the company reimbursement pace for grad school)

Doctoral Studies - Non ....... yet.

I am thinking about a Ph.D in Org Mgt or a JD. I either want to teach for a small college when I retire from private sector or start a practice doing primarily pro-bono family law for people who can't afford to defend themselves from the judges and idiots who currently practice family law.

The JD family law thing might not be a good idea though. I would not want my clients to bear the consequences for my disdain of the system, judges, attorneys, clerks and CPS idiots that current polute the family law system.

Current count of completed semester hour credits ~ 285. That is enough for 4 undergrad degrees in most programs.

I also started, ran and sold a business. Married, divorced and lived a pretty active life during most of my undergrad career.

If I cold find a job making big bucks just for going to school I would be a professional student.

I love learning, I love the energy of colleges and college towns and love observing and participating in the learning process. As I have gotten older I have come to love mentoring college students and young professionals.

Anyone looking to hire a professional student to test drive your college or university?

glynne's picture

DH pays and pays

SD at 27YO is on her 4th attempt at completing college - this time the selected major is nursing. It's DH's business - this time around he cosigned a student loan for her and I hear that it will be about a year and a half before she's done - I've heard that one before.

Oh well - we're okay financially - not my concern.

bizbear's picture

I am at this crossroad, with 2 of my 3 biokids...stepdaughter another story. My divorce decree states that the ex pays for college for the older entering college this August and the second will start next August...what were we thinking, 15 months apart! LOL! Our youngest is 13 now, but I have an obligation to pay 1/3, ex 1/3 and our 13 yr old will pay 1/3. I have already almost met my obligation with the youngest child. This is in no way to say that I haven't already spent oodles of money getting my 18 year old ready for dorm life on my dime. I don't have a problem with this, as she is my daughter and I love her, but it is really the ex's responsibility by law.

The older two have been told in very specific terms that they must meet a certain grade point average, or they are back at home and going to JC. They are also expected to get a part time job while in school. They will have a monthly stipend and beyond that, they are on their own. If they blow their monthly stipend in the first week...tough luck. We both agree that it will teach them fiscial responsibility and they will get a clue how much things cost today and how many hours it takes to work to be able to buy things. They will also be taking student loans out and the oldest has a small scholarship as well.

My stepdaughter on the other hand, has had things handed to her, without repercussion. She has flunked out of school twice. Now 20 years old and looking for her first job. In the meantime, she has spent at least 20K and has NOTHING to show for those two years and all that money. I found out about the monkey on DH's back a few days ago, when applying for a re-fi. I knew there was debt, but not to the current extent. If she keeps on going the way she has been going, then DH will never see a penny of that money, that she threw out the window.

I believe that all these young people today should have a stake (work and take out loans) in their own education...they will be better for it. They will not piss money away if they are working for it and they may just study harder to make sure they make the required grades.
I have no problem with parents helping their kids with college expenses...BUT IT SHOULD NEVER BE A FREE RIDE.

Unfortunately DH never thought this would happen, as now he is stuck with the bills and his daughter is no further along than when she graduated HS.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Fortunately cs ends after completion of high school. And that is ALL dh is paying. He's not been allowed access to educational rights and bm has tried keeping their son away until now. She still retains all rights to his education. Great. We're keeping it that way. We're just hoping the kid graduates high school! (12 yo now) After that it's on her. She doesn't want dh involved in her son's education now then why should he be involved later?

winehead's picture

My X and I pay for our BD's college, well, we did up until this year. She's 24, in and out of school (and I don't really object to that as there are lots of ways to learn), but this year she's on pell grant and student loans. Let's see if her seriousness about getting a degree changes once it's HER money. We have a college savings account for her and will pay on the loan for classes passed.

My DH has paid for his SS's college, until SS got into drugs and the money DH sent wasn't exactly used for books, etc. So SS is clean and on his own now too, and doing well (we think). DH still has parent loans to repay, so I suppose in a way I'm helping with that, and it's fine with me.

hismineandours's picture

Fortunately, as long as the children go to a state school it will be paid for because my dh is a disabled vet. However, before that occurred I was still not too worried. I dont think ss will go to college. If he did I dont think there is anyway that bm would be willing to pay one dime of it-if she is not willing to pay one dime I doubt she would take try to take us to court to make us pay any and i also doubt that ss would ever be willing to contribute to the cost of his education. That being said, there are loans, grants, and scholarships out there that everyone are available for. After my second year of college-i took out my own student loan in my name (vs a parent loan) and paid for my next 2 years undergrad and 2 years of graduate school. I was not eligible for grants-had to pay it all back. which I did. My parents were awesome, made good money-but were not great savers and I did not want to burden them since I was an adult. this is something I am really proud of-that I paid for most of my education on my own (the last 4 years anyway)-I worked the entire time-usually around 30-40 hours a week and I graduated with honors. I truthfully think we should hold kids responsible for their own educations-help them here and there when we can-but it should be their primary responsibility. I cant believe that courts in this country make parents pay for their kids college educations.

MadeMyBed's picture

Yep, the crazy thing about the courts making parents pay for their kids' educations is this: If the parents weren't divorced they could consult about school, costs, etc. DH's ex is a crazy, vindictive you-know-what, so she will use this "oppertunity" to take us to court where a judge will force us to "find a way" (as they like to say) to fund the education. Well, Im not sure how we can "find a way" after being gutted from CS and mortgage, etc. Um, wher eis this extra $$ going to come from? I doubt we would even qulaify for a loan due to incomes, debt, etc. Not that I would want us on the hook on a loan but we have gone through similar things with the courts where they impose an order and tell you "find a way!" real helpful.

TexasBelle_80's picture

I paid for my own college and so did hubby. However my parents have set aside money for my son from a previous marriage and mine and dh's son to go to college. I don't feel bad about it at all. Those are their biological grandkids and they can do what they want with their money. Same goes with inheritance, I'm leaving my money from my parents to MY children. I wouldn't expect BM of skids to give anything to my kids. Ya know.

onlynormalone's picture

I didnt start putting myself through college until I was an adult. (still a work of progress) I never begrudged my parents for not footing the bill as by the time I turned 18-I flew the coop! Neither one had the means to put me through college. I beleive once your an adult it is that persons responsibility to put themeselves through college. If we had the means to do it-that would be different-but BM gets everything my H makes and them some! Every year she gets paid over-she is never required to pay it back-so it kinda keeps us in the poor house. She also tells the SD's that we have no college fund for them! Probably because she knows how much she takes from my H and me.

Holly's picture

I will pay for both my sons. Son no 1 is just starting this year. Their BF will only contribute if son goes to live with him in another country and will study only what BF says he can study and loads more restrictions. So son no 1 said no thank you and will be staying with me. Anyway, my parents educated me(fortunately)and I am happy to educate my children. I sold my house and put the money in a college account. We live with dh in family home now.

My dh will be paying for his children, most unlikely that bm will contribute, she has already made it clear that she will be moving to another country with her dh when the kids are finished school and sds will then be our problem.

Persephone's picture

We are dealing with this right now. GRRRR.

DH says we will pay for housing. I say, NO. His argument is that they do not have the money and we do. We didn't have a pot to our name at that age either and we worked our way through school and took out loans. It wasn't that long ago that I finished paying mine off.

They can pay for their own career training and education. If they want me and DH to pay for it, then we get to pick their career. (I have never spent $75,000 without making sure it was a sound investment.) If they want our help, they will receive it: they can go to school locally, live at home and get free housing, food and personal needs. That's a savings of about $8,922.00 per year, or half of the full year cost.

We did come to a compromise and agreed that we would take the amount of money we spent on CS and spread that out among the all of the kids. But the kids will have to write an essay on why they should get our "scholarship" funds. They also have to work full-time during summer and 20 hours or more during school. If they do not do that, funds are cut. This was agreeable to everyone and placed in writing. So far, SS19 will be receiving his. SS18, lost hers for this whole year and is really doing her *best* to screw herself next year too.

Agreed that tuition is not what it used to be. As well, young adults are not as responsible or self-reliant as we used to be either. Yet, it still remains that anything worth having is worth working for. Kids today need to be more resourceful, and treat their goals as a moving target. If they need to work a 40 hour week at $8.50 per hour and go to school at night, then that's what it takes. If they have to work three part-time jobs, like I did, then that's what it takes.

Rags's picture

Would you please ....... RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife and I also worked and went to school for both of our undergad and MBA degrees.

Kids today seem to be stuck a the point when they put their finger in the light socket and got shocked. Only instead of learning that it hurts when they do that they just keep sticking their finger back in to socket over and over again wondering why it keeps hurting.

If they can't listen and learn they can feel. It sounds like your SS19 is listening and learning while SS18 is feeling.

We also follow the "if we are paying we are picking your major" philosophy. We had custody of my SIL when she was 17 and just out of HS. The deal was she lives with us, watches the kid after school, does light house work, waters and mows the grass and we give her a car, gas money,room and board in our home and pay her tuition, books and all school costs.

She stuck for a year. She was myopic on becomming a teacher and was adament that she get a degree in education. We had her in the only school she could get in to and she was working on a BS in Management. We outlined that she did not need an education degree to be a teacher. She needed a bachelors degree and a teaching certificate But nooooooooooo. She had to do it her way. She left, got knocked up by her BF, had an out of wedlock spawn on the taxpayer's dime, and has been working on her education degree for 5 years (since she left) and is debt for ~$60,0000 in school loans. And ..... she was told she is not qualifed to even apply to the education program and now has to pick either General Eduction or Social Science as her major. If she gets anythying less than a C in any class between now and graduation she is booted from the University.

She did not listen and is now is as sure as shit is feeling.

Sad though it may be, when she gets booted and has to start paying her loans back on the minimum wage she can earn without her degree I will be standing there to ask "how did those decisions work our for ya?"

Good luck and best regards.

Persephone's picture

Yep, she is feeling it. Last Feb. we outlined exactly how much money she needed for school this year and we gave her a written outline with four options, which included financial breakdowns. One option was to get a full-time 2nd shift job that would have paid her enough to start on 2011-2012 tuition. She did exactly nothing to further her goals. She spent more energy lying about finding work than actually applying. I emailed her job and scholarship opportunities---took no advantage. She has a part-time job, but somehow thought that 8-10 hours per week at $7.75 was going to cover the 2nd semester of Biology-Pre-Med.

Now with school right around the corner she only has 1 1/3 semesters saved and is playing the victim card. This is her M.O.: she thinks that her dad is going to give in because he always has. Not this time. Just Sunday she was all mopey--I do not have enough money for 2nd semester because you guys won't help with housing. DH says No..., you do not have enough because you did not look for work or seek more hours at your current job. Even with the small amount we were going to help with you still would be $5k short. She still hasn't had her mom fill out the FAFSA paper work. Her Lie: She says she can't get a hold of her mom.. really... for 6 months--she lives 1 mile from here. And why didn't you two talk about it at lunch Friday, or better yet bring your laptop and have a working lunch? I am so irritated with her laziness and lying.

SS19 is working two jobs for more than 40-50 hours a week, is going to school locally at a 2-yr and living at home with his mom-paying rent. BD23, works two jobs for 50 hours a week, has her own apartment and goes to school part-time. Neither have asked for financial help.

mom2five's picture

My ex is supposed to help pay for college. My son is a junior. He hasn't paid a dime. My husband and I have paid some. And the military has paid a lot! He is on an ROTC scholarship.

My husband's ex is supposed to pay for 1/2. She won't. She can barely afford to keep the lights on.

We'll be the ones helping all the kids with college expenses. In our house, college is not an option. In this house, you're not finished with school until you get at least a Bachelors Degree.

Rags's picture

If I were you and your DH I would give your kids a gift certificate to a lawyer when they graduate from college so they can sue the other parent for the college support defined in the Divorce Decree.

This crap just pisses me off.

Best regards.

mom2five's picture

Unfortunately, kids can't sue based on a child support or divorce agreement issue. The agreement is always between the parties who signed it. But it's an entertaining thought!

On top of that, I don't think there would be any money to collect. It would be a judgment in name only.

We get the benefit of knowing that we are providing a college education to our children.

klean0722's picture

My DH & I are paying for SD21 rent, groceries, car insurance, cell phone bill, car repairs, oil changes, eye exams, gas, etc. BM has not paid 1 penny in the 4 years we have been married. This is the ONLY subject we argue or disagree on. We have paid $25k out in 3 years of college expenses (tuition and books are paid for by MY employer by a scholarship - I am stuck at this job for a year after she graduates or I have to pay it back), and we have that much in credit card debt in the last 3 years. My husband doesn't see the coincidence.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

My exhusband and I split the college expenses 50/50 for our son and daughter. We split the car and insurance expenses 50/50 to help with transportation to school and whatever they needed. We wanted to help them and could financially. Both kids worked and attended school but did not make enought to pay 100% Tuition and we didn't want them to graduate in debt from student loans.

Now, we were both married and our spouses were of the opinion that the kids should pay all their costs and didn't like it when we bought cars and helped our kids in general. They bitched and complained the whole frigging time the kids were in school. First of all, it was between me and my exhusband, second if they didn't like that we could financially help our children and WANTED to, they could leave and don't let the door hit them in the ass!

So, that attitude got the stepmama a divorce mainly stemming bitching and complaining about the cost college and my husband chose to stay and shut up about what I spend on my kids tuition. The SM or SD were not asked or expected to comtribute anything.

sweener24's picture

What if neither you or your ex-husband were able to provide financially? Would you have expected the "steps" to pitch in? Sign for school loans? Just curious. My husband is shocked when I tell him that it is NOT my responsibility to provide college educations or co-sign loans for HIS children's college education. No the kids do not live with us. We have joing custody and EOW.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

I wouldn't expect them to contribute nor would I ask them to. But I did offer to help pay for his kids college IF they would go. But both of his daughters chose the unwed mom welfare life style. I have found it is cheaper to spend money up front and educate them then to have them uneducated and asking for money to live on for a lifetime.

LjCulater's picture

Is anyone from Missouri and know the law on this? I don't think a parent should "have" to pay for any college on top of child support?? That's CRAZY!!! Because a kids' parents are divorced they get a free college education? OMG - My parents couldn't afford to send me to college so I worked and paid my own way.
I will go to JAIL before I pay for my LAZY A$$hole SS to go to college!!!

miriam's picture

I personally believe that it is not really your obligation to provide the education of your stepchildren. But it doesn't necessarily mean that just because it's not your duty, you will not ever do it. It would be alright if you don't pay for it, but it will be better if you do. Think of it, do we really have to love somebody before we do a good deed to them?

- Miriam (hospitals)"

dakotamom's picture

i'd never ventured to the forums before - i hope this helps me more.

i have ss17 who has signed up and accepted to a state school to start in the fall. Right now i know NOTHING about how this kid is going to pay for school. Dh refuses to have contact with BM about what's going on. Dh has said that he will help his "baby boy" any way he can. i won't. i think this is a very bad thing. i got student loans on my own and i'm paying them back. i worked my ass off in the summer to have money for the year and i had a shitty student job while on campus for minimum wage for a whole 5 hrs a week. the check was maybe $100. ss17 isnt motivated, i dont see him following through with school. i think a private college to start would have been better because he's such an introvert and instead he's going to a big state school.
i feel like such a bitch for not wanting to help but at this point i just can't bring myself to want to help either stepkid.
they're not outright rude to me, they just don't do anythign on their own and dear old dad is always paying for them. i won't. that's not how i was raised. my parents helped me with gas in college and would give me cash when they had any but i was always appreciative. i dont see this for the skid. i have become such a negative person since all this college stuff has come around.
i was going to take ss17 shopping for dorm stuff, but Dh went on a rant about how we'll pay for everything and ss wont' have to worry about anyting. well that takes my gift to no longer a gift adn a requirement. i'm out. i'm not going to be required to spend my money on his child. i cant' tell him to do his own laundry or to wash his own dish adn i cant' get him to turn off his own tv/satelite when leavign on the weekends.
Dh has it in his divorce decree that at 18 or graduation is when his support stops so i'm not even sure what if anything he'd be required to pay past that time.
i'm ready to just wash my hands of the whole situation. on top of this BM wants to meet to discuss who will pay for what - excuse me. i'm not paying shit. i have my own bank acct and Dh has his. i will not be paying for ss to go to college. best of luck JR - get a job!

purpledaisies's picture

I didn't read all the replies but we will not pay for tuition, we will help with books and money here and there but we will not pay for their college. Dh and I both feel that they need the life lessons that college will bring. I.E. WORKING YOUR BUTT OFF b/c it will be way more appreciated and more of a motivator to finish! I look at paying for as a hindrance to the kid instead of helping them.

Quyjye's picture

I'm not sure how this is going to work out. BM/DW will definitely be paying something. BF has some kind of an account, but since SS17 and BF doesn’t really get along. I don't know for sure if BF will be contributing. SS17 lives with us by his choice and SS17 is always arguing with BF weather on the phone or when ever. I really don't want to contribute since SS17 is so ungrateful, and unappreciative of anything we do for him. BM/DW has no choice but to pay for the lazy, ungrateful, and unappreciative kid. Her main goal is to see her little baby be successful. I will contribute if I have to but again I don't want to. Hopefully SS17's BF will come through. I hate to see my DW go through this. She is doing all the applications, and research for the colleges, scholarships, what ever and everything. While SS17 is not making much of an effort and is just acting like its no big thing and that someone is going to take care of everything. He wants to go to a certain College and BM/DW wants him to go to something more affordable. I stay out of it, but have told SS17 that he will go where the providers can afford for him to go. If he doesn't like it then he will have to pay for it himself or go where he can afford to go. I think it just went in one ear and out the other. SS17 has no job and never had one. The only thing I can say about SS17 is that he is a smart kid, takes lots of AP classes and gets A's. Does really good on his sat scores but I really hate his attitude. I mean big time. So I am crossing my fingers that BF does what he is suppose to.

Orange County Ca's picture

I did not pay one cent to help make it happen. I did pay $50 a month for one semester when she goofed on a grant and would have run short but she knew it wasn't going to happen a second time.

Convulsive's picture

We turned in everything, our returns & BM's MediCal/CalFresh info (she never files her taxes) & the Financial Aid office was able to assign the eldest to her, since he had gone back & forth a little his senior year of HS & was getting MediCal & CalFresh through her. The next time, the Financial Aid office was able to only look at my husband's income for tuition so it wasn't terribly bad. Next year he's transferring & we'll be paying $6k.

jumanji's picture

We have, in our order, that Dad is to pay for college expenses, including tuition, housing, books, etc. (he insisted on that being in the order...). We have a Junior and a Freshman. Both have tuition covered by scholarships, loans, and grants. Both of them have jobs, on campus during the school year and others during breaks. Both are on the Dean's List at their respective schools. I cover housing for both of them. Dad pays... nothing.

Note: I work retail. Dad? Makes $200k/yr.

mslll75's picture

MY SD21 is a junior in college and by my DH's choice all of her tuition and living expenses are paid while she's in school. I don't agree with paying for EVERYTHING, but knew going into marriage that he expected to do this so am ok with it. While yes, it's his choice and decision, the money is ours because we both earn it and it's not coming from separate account established before marriage. I know in SD's mind it's all Daddy's doing and she doesn't see that I am contributing as well.

JayS's picture

No money from me for Step Demons. They've never even showed an effort to help around the house. I'll be flat out amazed if they keep a dishwashing job. I expect that they'll go on the system and settle into one of my town's many geared income housing projects. As for your responsibility...if you don't care for them to begin with, there's a good reason for it. will they even appreciate your money for education? I don't think you owe it to them. I wouldn't help my own blood unless they proved that they would make something good out of it.