When you just don't like their child...
It's hard enough to deal with a blended family situation if you like your SO's kids but if you dislike them, is it hopeless to think you can have a relationship with your SO? I'm not even talking about living together, I am talking about just being together?
Keeping the part of your life that involves kids out of a relationship feels like half a relationship, but maybe that is the only way you can be with someone who actually has kids from a previous marriage or relationship?
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Depends how old the kids are
Depends how old the kids are and how much you'll need to be involved. But it is NOT an easy thing to navigate no matter what.
Well, custody is a weird
Well, custody is a weird version of 50/50 and the child is 9. My kids are high schoolers...
I've been involved in one way or another for over three years.
If I could tell from just
If I could tell from just spending time with the kids that I DID NOT like them. I would seriously consider moving on. Seems like such a dis-service to yourself, the potential skids, and BF to put any of you in that situation. Its hard enough when you do like them. I'm pretty sure putting yourself in a SM postion will not make it any better, it will likely become more difficult. Thats not saying its not possible. Just I willing to put money on if it gets better, it is sure to get worse first.
Why make yourself miserable?
Why make yourself miserable? And would it be fair to your SO to dislike his kids? Would you want someone who didn't like your kids to even be around you? I don't think I could be romantic with someone who thought my kids were POS.
Some kids are a "work in progress". They are trainable. So if your SO is on the same page and is willing to work to establish more likable foibles it is possible.
My DH knew he let his kids get away with murder and that was one of the criteria for me to marry him. Things will readjust to accomodate me and my lifetyle as much as me accomodating theirs.
So far so good. Although they were unhappy with me establishing that they go to bed at the same time as us and they were not allowed to stay up watching TV all night like at their mothers.
If you know that you just
If you know that you just don't like them than I would move on. It isn't fair to anyone and if you ALREADY don't like them I can almost guarantee you that it will get worse WAY before it gets better.
It is a half relationship.
It is a half relationship. This is what I struggle with. BF is trying really hard and sees some things, which is a start, but I wonder if it will ever get beyond this point.
As it is right now, we have to maintain two houses. We live at mine mostly, but when it's his entertainment - oops, I mean parenting time, he has to go back to his to do it. Until he gets a grip on them, I will not be there because I refuse to allow them to run over me anymore. He insists that things have changed and I need to come there to give it a chance and see, but that is enemy territory as far as I feel. I know I have to try though, to see if he has really been able to accomplish anything. Until then, I certainly don't want the nosey, disrespectful things in my house.
Anyway, this puts me in the position of wondering how long I can do this. If it has to stay this way, our relationship is moving backward, not forward. We should be able to live together under one roof, always. Pool resources and be better as two.
The way it is, it's definitely half. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting. If it weren't for that youngest one I'd be fine with that. It really does depend on how old they are. Adult skids can be real challenges to your sanity, but the younger ones are in your house, your space and your face.
I'm in the same place, on the
I'm in the same place, on the fence. I cannot imagine living with SD again or the drama she and her mom bring into my life...of course, now that we're not living together, things have settled down...is that coincidental? Idk. I think things ARE improving but I just can't go there again.
I wonder if I am making the whole thing more complicated than it is. I can't move forward. That's the problem.
"If it has to stay this way, our relationship is moving backward, not forward. We should be able to live together under one roof, always. Pool resources and be better as two." Exactly, but if you can't move forward, what is there to look forward to, to be excited about? When you meet someone, things naturally move forward or they end. A suspended state of animation is just not normal.
I'm not sure how long I can do it either. We've broken up several times this year. It's sad that I am uneffected by the changes my guy has made...
Well yes, her dad is a big
Well yes, her dad is a big reason for me not liking SD. SO and BM have raised her to be the center of things, *the* factor in every decision, rather than part of the decision, and she is often given adult/spousal status in the past. He has worked very hard to modify that and is doing a good job. I was willing to make concessions, and trust me, I made many of them, too many, in the past. The other part is probably just our innate personalities clashing. When you make friends you choose people you have some sort of chemistry with but I do not have any chemistry with her. I wouldn't choose her as a friend if she was an adult. It's similar to how I feel about my stepmother. We have a relationship because of my father, and yes, I do love and care about her, but as far as personality and chemistry go, we'd never have a relationship if we were to meet out in the rest of our lives.
I think that how I feel is like how a woman would feel if her partner cheated on her. In a way, my SO's treatment of his daughter (as a pseudo spouse/partner) IS in a way cheating on me. I've never given either of my kids that status and they know we're not peers. But back to the feeling...it's like if your man cheats on you and then stops and changes his ways. Something is sort of damaged forever.
I guess I just wanted answers because I am trying to sort things out in my head. I don't think it matters what SO, SD, or BM do...the past is so painful that I simply cannot get over it. I've been trying for over a year and there have been some internal changes on my SO's part but I still feel like no, I can't involve myself with this child and her mother. The hard part is my SO is an amazing person. I wish my feelings could come back.
Yep, the center of
Yep, the center of everything. I wonder sometimes if in my case it's a custody battle between me and the Bulldozer (his DD19) for custody of BF!
This is a definitely a
This is a definitely a "situation"....
I can not stand to be anywhere near SD24, for a wide variety of reasons. She, too, was almost like the spouse before I came into the picture. I didn't like her from the start (should have taken off right then and there!), but I hung in there. I don't think she liked me "stealing her thunder", either. We would never in a million years be friends, and the more DH pushed it, the worse it got. Right now I am completely disengaged. I want nothing to do with her or her Jerry Spring show of a life. She's still his little princess, and that's fine. But, don't force me to make her MY little princes!!!!! He can visit her anytime and anywhere he chooses, just not anywhere near me! Yes, it definitely puts a crimp in the relationship, but I think it's just going to be like this. Makes for interesting holidays and get togethers, but I don't host them at our house, so I either don't go if she'll be there, or I make an appearance and leave after a few minutes.
5. they didn't have those
5. they didn't have those snotty, fake, squinty Girhippo sneers on their faces 24/7
I know that look. It's a look of "I know so much more than you...I'm better than you" type of face.
It's no secret around here that I love my stepkids dearly. But that look is an ever present reminder of their worthless mother.
I cannot stand know-it-all
I cannot stand know-it-all kids. They're the kids who grow up into ignorant adults who don't ever consider the whole situation, other people's feelings, etc....because, after all, they KNOW it all already! :?
I agree with moving on if you
I agree with moving on if you dont like that kids. Your unlike will just turn into hate and you will become miserable. Trust me, I know. 8 years of marriage and I'm just now figuring it out. Bleh!
If you have "caught" this
If you have "caught" this feeling early on; then run!! If I would have known what they hell I got myself into and the misery it was going to bring - I would have just stayed single... I have been miserable for months!!
I have tried and tried and tried to get along with my SD13 but the feeling is mutual between her and I. DH doesn't see it; but I have to say; why the hell am I fixing her dinners, doing her laundry, making sure she has stuff for school, painting her room. He says "I have to" REALLY why - she's not MY child..... It makes me hate her in a way. Sounds bad; but sometimes it's out of your control.
hbell. You don't HAVE to do
hbell. You don't HAVE to do anything! However I can hear... "Your the adult, you have to be the bigger person". Translated sounds like "Your the SM, you do as you are told".
I gotta say, it does not matter how old you are.. When you do for someone and they are continually ungrateful and treat you like poo, you just don't have the desire to continue doing nice things for them. Who could blame you? Doesnt matter who the ungrateful one is, your SD or the PRESIDENT.