Teen Step Son Treated Like a Baby Still

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So I have a 16 year step son who I have a hard time being around. Reason being, at 16 he doesn't know how to do the most basic of things. It frustrates because my rules are fairly simple. Basically I expect him and his sister to do their chores, get good marks, and help around the house house when asked. However, the 16 year old can barely tie his shoes (not exaggerating) and rarely combs his hair. His sister who is 3 years younger is quite the opposite though. His stepsister also says that at their biodads house, biodad still combs SS hair before leaving to high school and shaves him....the dinners they eat at biodads house are only what SS wants to eat so they eat chicken alfredo several times a week. My wife told me one of the reasons they got divorced was she could not handle the constant coddling from biodad. It was eve to the point where biodad started sleeping on the couch so he could be closer to SS room. I try to push SS to learn and do things on his own but he is so babied its a constant struggle. His sister struggles with this as well as SS is the "prince" at dads while she is left out in the cold. At our house, when I hold him acountable to our expectations it turns into this big "to-do" because he gets weepy for the slightest thing. Does anyone else struggle with this type of situation and if so, how do you handle it? I offered to talk to biodad to see how we can bring SS up to where he needs to be but my wife thinks it will create more tension. He's 16 and I can't wait until he is 18 and if off to college or out of the house and I feel guilty for feeling this way. Any thoughts or feedback are appreciated.

No real wisdom solutions for

No real wise solutions for you but I did just want to say don't feel guilty about looking forward to him being gone or not wanting to be around him. You're a person with feelings and you need to have your own boundaries to stay healthy. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. Say no to guilt. Something that helps me is reminding myself:

You're stepkids have parents, this you are not responsible for raising your stepchildren.

You’re not responsible for disciplining your stepchildren when then their parents don't.

You're not responsible for the type of adults your stepkids become.

You're not responsible for helping your stepkids overcome their biological parenting.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing good. Hugs

I have

I have made the decison to disengage and its been tough. It literally means I have to constantly bite my tongue. I thank you for your kind words and support!

How in the world is he going

How in the world is he going to go to college if he can't shave himself and comb his own hair? Is he intellectually disabled? That's the only reason his father should be doing these basic tasks for him. Hopefully when he's 18 he'll want to live with Daddie Dearest.

That's a good

That's a good question. I have no idea how he is going to make it. The thing I can't take from him is he is a straight A student. I have told my wife (And it didn't go well) that if SS doesnt get it together, he's going to end up a lump on biodads couch and play videos games, eat doritos, without a shirt all day...and believe me...biodad would be perfectly fine with this. Honestly, I would be too as long as he's out of my house.

Is he on the Autism Spectrum?

Is he on the Autism Spectrum? Any mental health stuff? This is very odd for a 16-year-old.

You bring up

You bring up a good point. I have suspected perhaps he is on the autism spectrum but on the flip side, the things he doesn't do at dads, he does ok at our house (With constant nagging). I have mentioned to my wife that perhaps he should be tested but when she brings this up to biodad, he flips out and says there is nothing wrong with SS (Pride). Biodad even shoots my wife a text at night to have her remind SS to wash his face (Having some breakouts). Also, biodad is a very cheap (More of my income goes to support my Stepkids than biodads does) and, aside from denial, he won't pony up any cash if we scheduled testing. I do wish we could test him so we could get the "tools" needed. I guess my only concern is, why is he able to do these simple things at our house (Even thought its a constant struggle and nagging) but not at his dads. My stepdaughter is very vocal how SS has no expectations at her dads house but she does. She love's her brother but see's the favoritism and always wants to stay with us as her expectations at biodads are far greater than her brothers.

He's enmeshed with his father

He's enmeshed with his father. This all meets biodad's needs, not SS's. He should be encouraged to be as independent as possible, but biodad likes him being dependent. I'd suggest you let your wife know that you aren't okay with him living there after high school graduation if he doesn't launch - he can live with his father.

Great Suggestion

Great suggestion and my wife and I have already had that discussion. She is completely onboard with it. Another reason for her divorce was that she was not allowed to parent or hold her son accountable. Anything she did was wrong in biodads eyes. Now, we are hearing that his current wife is facing the exact same struggle. My SD has told me and my wife that dad's current wife has completely given up on trying to parent SS. It's a very strange fixation biodad has. Biodad and his current wife just had a son together but the new baby still doesn't get the attention that biodad gives to SS. I have a feeling this will doom the marriage...i hope it doesn't as I dont wish that upon anyone but I have a feeling biodads wife will have had it with him....plus shes almost half his age....current wife is 27 and biodad is 47...lots of instability in their home.

OP, I Got out of a

OP, I Got out of a relationship with my ex who was 47, and I'm 29. I can now see quite clearly what everyone was warning me about, that there was a reason women his own age were not making themselves available to him for a relationship. It's not always the case but more likely than in relationships of similar ages.

I am so glad I did not have a child with this man, especially after reading your post, I know completely well this man would NEVER have viewed another child as special as his unfortunate first son.

That's the exact issue,

That's the exact issue, enmeshment. I had this issue with my ex and his son. Kid was 15 and daddy was still cutting his meat, allowing him to fail school, not asking him to do any chores, and buying him whatever he wanted. Sleeping in bed with him until I came into the picture at 14 years old (ex ss). These dads are emotionally stunted and use their sons as a reflection of themselves I believe (my ex had a tough dad). It's selfish and wrong .

it was very hard seeing a teen get treated like a baby, but I did question intellectual issues as cocaine was used in utero and he was also dropped out of his carrier by his father as a newborn.

Like op I had suggested evaluation but no that was quickly shut down by Disney dad.

sorry for long post about my own past, good luck to you OP, with any luck he'll go to college and leave you alone for long periods of time!

You Hit...

You hit the nail on the head. Not only is my SS emotionally stunted but he is socially, and developmentally. He has a hard time with simple things while SD who is younger has no issues. It's not because he isn't smart but its because he's used to biodad doing everything for him. I've seen this type of situation before and when kids like this have to make it on their own, its tough for them. They've been handicaped all their lives so the adjustment is rough.

Is BioDad paying CS? If not,

Is BioDad paying CS? If not, why not?

Biodad isn't

Biodad isn't paying CS. I'm not sure what the terms of the divorce were and it is a 50/50 arrangement. My wife and I would like SS to get a part time job now that he is 16 and biodad is totally against it as well. The chances of SS becoming a "growth" on his dads couch SS is an adult is high....I hope I'm wrong but he will not be a growth on my couch....

Keep the anti growth on the

Keep the anti growth on the sofa spray handy. You will likely need to apply it liberally and fairly frequently.

Good luck.

Yes

This kid isn't going to college unless Bio dad goes with him. You must disengage from all of this. If Bio dad wants to be daddy dearest. That on him. Unfortunately if something happens to bio dad you have a problem

He's a bright

He's a bright kid with straight A's but doesn't get pushed at his biodads place to grow up in many ways. I made a decision this weekend to disengage but, as previously posted, am having a hard time biting my tongue. The kids just frustrates me to the point the I want to smack him on the back of his head and tell hiim to get it together. No mind you, I would never lay a hand on the kid but the thoughts do go through my head and there is a bit of guilt for feeling that way. Thanks for your feedback

Jesus, what a couple of

Jesus, what a couple of freaks! Shaves him and combs his hair? I'm picturing some creepy man treating a teen boy like his own living doll. Ew!

Poor SS, since it's not his fault. Hopefully he will realize how weird this all is at some point and become independent. Every now and then you hear about a kid who rejects their family's toxicity and moves far, far away. For your sake, I hope your wife is in agreement with you about SS launching in a timely manner.

Get an electric razor for SS for Christmas and some other grooming tools.