Just Need to Vent
Just need to write down and vent as I am very frustrated. Last night was my wife, and my anniversary. We decided to keep it simple (Order in dinner, watch a movie, enjoy each others company, etc.) as we will be going out of town for the weekend without the skids (13year old SD and 16 year old SS). Well my wife and I decide that her and I can go by ourselves to pick up dinner and have a drink while its being prepared. Well....my SD who is very jealous went into her usually pouty/bratty mood because she wasn't included (My assumption anyways). So when my wife and I return an hour later with the food for everyone to sit back, enjoy and relax, my SD is walking around the house ignoring everyone because she is still pouty. She continues to do this the rest of the evening, and all the while my wife is following her around the house...doding over her....kissing her ars because she doen't want my SD to be upset. Long story short, SD ruined our anniversary evening we had planned....I went to bed early because I knew I would say something to my SD, on our anniversary, that would put my wife in the middle and make the special day worse.
This behaviour from SD is getting more and more common. If anything takes mom away from devoting attention to her, and her alone, she gets into these pouty/bratty moods. I had a discussion with my wife this morning and informed her that SD ruined our evening and that I was really disappointed that SD could not set aside her pettiness so we could all have a good evening. This type of behaviour is never displayed by my 16 year old SS but the older SD gets, the worse this is getting. SD play victim a lot and even says how, at her biodads house, her stepmom is mean to her, her biodad is mean to her, her brother is mean to her....today I told my wife that SD needs to stop being victim and understand she has a role in how everyone treats her. My wife had a talk with her....not sure how it went because i went on a walk this morning as I didn't even want to look at SD and thank god she is going back to biodads toady, for the next 5 days.....YESSS!!!!
Ok...now I feel a lil better... :-)
Always go out to eat
For anniversary, birthdays. I will place bets on that weekend alone. Either it will not happen or SD will be on the phone all weekend
Two suggestions that may or
Two suggestions that may or may not be good ideas. 1. Don't hold back when you have something to say to your spouse. SAY IT. Better out than in, as they say. There's no point holding it in. 2. Start calling your sd out - "let us know when you're done sulking", etc. I used this technique with my own father (different words). He hated it but realized that we all saw through him.
Its funny
Its funny because your recommendation are part of the discussion I had with my wife this morning. I mentioned that SD is always playing the victim but she gets called out at her biodads house by him and her stepmom. I stated I will be doing the same going forward and will not tip-toe around. I am going to be very direct and I have no issue with that...
or even if she ramps up "I
or even if she ramps up "I think we'll stay home until SD can control herself" or "let's do this a different day when SD isn't in a mood"
Very true
Very true and I have though of that as well. THe only thing that worries me is it may give her "power" to ruin it for everone. Instead I have thought of stay with her biodad while the rest of us enjoy a vacation.
Wouldn't it be nice
Woudn't it be nice if every parent was blessed with the knowledge upon the arrival of their first child that if you reward negative behaviour, the negative behaviour will continue because kids are quick to figure out it works?
My SO's youngest - SD5 - has been coddled and babied when she starts crying for whatever reason (recently she was furious that she was told she couldn't take any more toys to school since she lost one one day) and having a fit over things.
Me, knowing full well what her intentions are, told her if she was going to scream and cry she could stay in her room and do that and nobody else had to hear it. I quietly closed the door and left her to her screaming, which then usually gets louder while she hopes for some attention before it calms down and she carries on like normal. She's got good, healthy lungs, that's for sure.
I'm working on training everyone else - my SO and her siblings. They'll get it eventually, but I have no control at mother's house where negative behaviour always ends up with whatever kid getting their way in the end, so it might take a while.
You hit the
You hit the nail on the head as it relates to rewarding bad behavior. My discussion with my wife this morning touched on this. I informed her that when she is constantly doting over SD and pleading with her to know why she is upset....well....she is giving SD the exact type of attention she wants. For me, I do ignore her but its hard to see my wife constantly coddle her to see whats wrong and quite frankly, I tell my wife I don't like the way SD is treating her. My wife does get her feelings hurt but I let her know "If you permit it....you promote it!"
Yes! A lot of parents don't
Yes! A lot of parents don't realize they are inadvertently training the bad behavior into the kids! My sister and my dad do that with my niece. When she tries some BS with me i just look at her and say "seriously?" or, "come on!" with a raised eyebrow or a sarcastic tone.
"SD, go to your room until
"SD, go to your room until you can stop pouting." Every time.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Stop avoiding the confrontations and make them immediately overt
Neither your DW nor her daughter will modify their behaviors if they are not made exceptionally uncomfortable about those behaviors.
Call SD out on her crap each and every time she pulls and do it in front of every one. When your DW follows her idiot child around kissing Skid ass, call DW on that too.
"Please just send her to her room where she can pout in private and stop kissing her ass. Thank you my dear."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
KISS
Your SD didn't ruin the
Your SD didn't ruin the evening -- your wife did. While your SD does seem difficult, it's your wife who allows and rewards that behavior by chasing after her.
Teenage girls are moody. Even the ones that are generally easy to get along with. It's a parent's responsibility to help shape their behavior so they grow into productive, responsible, happy adults. And that's not happening in your house.