I feel helpless and just have no clue to turn this around and am looking for any solution that might have worked for anyone else. First some background: I myself am a child of divorce and have gone through every cliché stepchild scenario that exists. Felt like my mom loved her various boyfriends, husbands , and later my half sisters more than I. Beaten by my mother until I was 16. Molested by one of my step-dad's and one of her boyfriend's and when I told my mom she figured it was my fault somehow. I say this because having gone through these issues I never ever wanted anyone else to feel the same way, and certainly not by hand. I think it's because of this conscious effort to truly love all children as my own that children typically love me.

To drive the point home, my step-daughter is not my first step-child. My first husband had a son from his first marriage and although his dad and I have now been divorced for around 10 years, to this day he has a better relationship with me than he does with his own mother or dad. He also has a great relationship with his half brother, despite my ex-husbands efforts to the contrary.

Now, enter my current husband, his daughter and my son from my first marriage. I met my step-daughter 5 years ago when she was 7 years old (12 now). Her parents had been divorced for some time before I ever met them. My son is 1 year older and was 8 at the time (13 now) we met but living with my mother because I was moving back to the States and was trying to get things settled before I brought him over. From the start she has said that she hated me and from the start I couldn't believe that someone could reach the age of 7 and behave in such a selfish 4 year old manner. The problem was that she had never had any discipline. Her own family members didn't like being around her. At age 7 she was jumping up and down on the couch and no one would reprimand her. Her mother would encourage temper tantrums every time she would drop her off at our house in the beginning. She didn't learn how to chew with her mouth closed until I came along. Of course with I being the only disciplinarian she hated me and hated my son. Because up until I came along the world revolved around her and she would get whatever she wanted .. but neither family is wealthy. Needless to say she had no school friends because outside of people who have to put with her, i.e. her family, no one else would.

I will say that in the last 5 years, considering where we started from, she has come a long way and taken great strides in learning better social behavior, but she still has miles and miles left to go.. the problem is I don't know how to get her there. If there is one thing that has not changed over the last 5 years it's this sense of entitlement and that everyone should do stuff for her. After having spent some time with her mother I understand where it comes from. Part of the problem is that she never has to face the consequences of her actions. If she gets in trouble at our house she runs to her mom. If she gets in a fight with her mom she thinks she can run to us. If I try to have a regular family activity such as cooking together she is not there for it most of the time. House chores are left to my son. I try to do something just with the kids like take them hiking, and she complains every step of the way. She constantly wants to dress provocatively at school .. so much so that she has been sent home twice in two weeks over it. She alienates her teachers on the first day of school due to her attitude and recently was caught copying of another students paper twice in two weeks. She got "only one F" on her most recent report card, which is one more than I ever or my has son ever received. When I try to help her with school she doesn't want help, she wants someone to do the work for her. And three times now an ex-girl friend of hers has threaten to beat her up. One even went so far as to bring a knife to school. And she goes to a great school and we live in a great neighborhood where this sort of stuff is far from common place. Again, this is three times more than I have or even my son (who goes to the same school) has ever been threatened.

She won't bring friends to the house because she is ashamed of us which makes no sense considering the I am the main house for all of my son's friends. These same kids have confessed to my son that they wish I was their mom and only tend to avoid coming in if they know my step-daughter is there. She keeps trying to hit on his friends (as in romanticly).

But the cherry on the icing is her stealing. She was caught shop-lifting with a girlfriend while she was staying with her mom and being supervised by a cousin. She has been grounded at our house for what seems like years because just as her grounding should come to an end, she does something else that slams her right back. We even would make exceptions during these groundings for example and as a birthday present fly in a very good girlfriend of hers who had moved to another state. Now understand this was because she was begging and pleading for her girlfriend to come and stay with us, but once she was here she ditched her to go off with some other friends --- which of course she was not allowed to and extended her grounding. Most recently, she was grounded and her cell phone privileges were limited to immediate family members only, so she stole my son's cell phone and kept it for several weeks and tried to deny it. It's tough to explain away 1,500 text messages in two weeks all of whom were from her friends .. made to a phone number that was not hers as "whoops I accidently picked up the wrong cell phone". This is not the first time she has stolen his phone and other things from him. She stole his cologne for example despite the fact that she has perfumes galore. She has stolen video games of his and tried to deny it. She stole his iPod and tried to deny it despite finding it in her backpack. I am not sure if she has taken anything from her friends, but I do constantly see her with clothes and such that don't belong to her and she says that her friends let her borrow them.
I am at my wits end and am at the point where I don't even want her in the house anymore because I can't trust her. She gets so much from so many different people because her family is quite large. My son who hardly ever sees his biological dad only has myself, so taking things from him is especially hurtful to me. It's ok for her to get a $200 iPod touch from her mother's boyfriend's mom, but I am the wicked step-mother in her eyes if I buy a $20 game for my son without purchasing something for her, too. My son has responsibilities and accountabilities. His grades have to be A's & B's. His room has to be clean. When we go grocery shopping he needs to help carry everything in without being told to do so. He has additional schoolwork which I assign that he has complete once he arrives home etc. But if I try to hold my step-daughter to even half of those same standards I am once again the evil in her eyes.

I have tried punishment. I have tried talking. I have tried constructive action plans on how to problem solve. Clearly defined steps to be taken for redemption. Alone one on one time. Alone one on one fun time. Nothing has worked. What is there left to do?