Money
Money seems to be a big issue with my ss14. He constantly makes comments about how we spend our money. His mother doesn't work, she is capable but she has depended on her parents all her adult life so money is tight for her. DH has always paid child support and when ss14 is with us, he takes him out to do as much as possible in the time that he has him. I think we are reasonable - BM gets a very good amount of child support each month, we take ss out to eat and to movies, vacations, etc. However, if he finds out we spend any money on ourselves, such as taking our own vacation or getting a new TV, etc., ss14 seems to have an issue with it. It's a big issue for him. He even has an issue with the how much we spend at the grocery store, I buy a lot of organic food versus his mother buys generic food. He feels his dad spends too much money on underwear and socks, etc. This is a constant thing, I hear daily about how we spend money. However, if I try to use coupons anywhere we go or find discounts on something I am buying, he complains that we have plenty of money, as though we are being cheap. It's very contradictory. It's very annoying and we actually try to avoid spending money in front of him as much as we can.
I never say a word to him in response to any of this. But it bothers me a great deal. I don't want ss14 to resent us his entire life because we do better financially than his mother. It feels as though he grudges everything we have and do for ourselves. We do a lot for him and there is nothing we can do about the fact that his mother doesn't work and has no income.
Any advice how to handle this? I don't like feeling as though my husband and I are not entitled to having money and enjoying our life. I want to find a positive way to handle this so that he respects that we do care about his well being but we make entirely different decisions with our lives than his mother does. I have to be careful how I interact with him, BM likes to create trouble so I never rock the boat.
By the way, thanks to all of you for all the information and advice you share on here. I don't post much - ss14 has been with us the past 2 months for the summer and he is on the computer all the time... I just come here on occasion when I'm upset and you guys have helped me refocus from becoming angry and resentful to being more positive and rational - I'm trying anyway:)
Thank you! Any advice will be great:)
I would almost say that its
I would almost say that its good for him to be money-conscious, but yes, that can be annoying. Does he seem offended when you spend money on yourselves, as in he thinks it should be spent on him?
Maybe he's just curious, as he sees two different ways of life and doesn't know which is 'normal'.
A few years ago my sds
A few years ago my sds commented constantly on money. While we never discuss money with them at all, their BM talked non stop about the price of everything - at the time, she and her new husband were doing very well and money was no object. Sds thought we were cheap. Also thought we were stupid as BM & husband had their own business and we work for other people.
Now the shoe is on the other foot as recession has hit BM business badly and she shops in all discount stores. But we have still kept the same spending habits, shopped at the same stores as ever and I think that sds are realising that there is a difference between buying sensibly and being cheap. I also think they sort of realise how foolish their mother was to be so extravagant - now she has to work two jobs to keep her husband in beer money and they hardly ever see her.
Anyway, when sds remark about money (a lot less now I might add), we always come straight back with how glad we are to have two good jobs and how hard we work so that we can buy what is needed. Also, if they are really being pissy about money, I will stick my oar in about how lucky they are that their Dad cares enough to work so hard for their benefit. (We never mention their BM or her lazy husband but they get the point).
No doubt BM fills his head
No doubt BM fills his head with her envy and opinions, your DH needs to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you pay the amount of CS the law required and whatever else you do, and after that, how you manage money is not his business. It could be a teachable moment about getting value for your money--i.e. looking for discounts when you can but also enjoying the fruits of your labor.
Thanks for the feedback - I
Thanks for the feedback - I really appreciate it. I do find it to be a positive thing that ss14 is cautious about money - for example he turns lights out, etc. to save electricity. I do appreciate that part of it. I need to set boundaries and stand my ground as far as my own money spending habits being none of his business though - before I lose my cool over it one day.
I guess this is a common thing, jealousy, etc. due to one parent financially doing better than the other. I just wish ss14 would make the connection that if his mother wants more out of life, she should get a job. I don't want him to resent us his whole adult life because we worked, saved money and we had nice things as a result of that - while his mother sits at home and complains about what she doesn't have. He seems to feel very sorry for her and resentful to us over the whole thing.
Thanks again for the insight. It gives me so much perspective, especially to find out that things we are going through aren't uncommon and people do work through it somehow. I would say that we muddle through day by day
Sorry for the multiple
Sorry for the multiple postings. Computer issues today.
And one more thing, I wasn't
And one more thing, I wasn't sure what is appropriate to say to a 14 year old about child support, DH does talk about it with him but I worried if it was the right thing to do. The poor kid is kind of stuck in the middle, but enough is enough with him getting into our business. He's even taken pictures of his Dad's things and sent the pics to his mother. Weird.