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Why do I feel like this?

dotherighthing's picture

ss14 is finally going home today. We've had him for 2 months. We recently moved out of state and now will only see 2-3 times each year. During this 2 months he's been here, he's made life as difficult and uncomfortable for us as he possibly can. DH truly makes every effort to be a good father and to be a good husband in every way possible. I have no complaints about that. So why do I feel so resentful right now?

For two months ss14 has pushed me out of the way as much as he can -takes over the TV, takes my seat next to his Dad as soon as I get up, complains constantly and just tries to make us as miserable as possible as long as I'm in the picture. Once he gets his Dad to himself, he's a different kid. I started to notice that my whole body tenses up as soon as he enters the room and I started to just leave the house or go to my room and shut the door to get away from the tension.

DH recognizes it and talks with him about it. He tries to help the situation and he encourages me to continue to include myself, not to exclude myself. He makes his son get out of my seat when I come to sit back down next to his dad for example, etc. But I get so tired of the tension, the drama. It just seems easier to leave them alone and I want them to have a good time when they see eachother, not fight all the time. As long as I'm perceived as any kind of priority to DH, ss14 is rude and just downright hateful to his dad.

DH was off work the past 2 weeks and has spent a lot of time with his son before he goes back home. I have found myself feeling pretty isolated - part of it is my own doing, I know that. I am clearly not a priority right now, and while in my mind I understand that this time with his son is important, emotionally I feel resentful. As long as I take a back seat and stay completely out of the way, ss14 behaves just fine and they have a great time together.

Now that he's leaving today, I feel resentful and withdrawn toward DH. I know that he's done his best to keep me from feeling isolated, why do I feel like this? I feel like I need a few days to myself but now that ss14 is gone, DH will be a little down and sad about that and wanting to lean on me. I don't want him to lean on me, I want my own space for a little while and I want him to deal with his feelings on his own. Why do I feel like this? It feels like I'm just being mean and I'm not usually like this.

mom2five's picture

I don't have any real advise. 14 year old boys suck!

Give yourself time to fall back into a routine again. Be gentle with yourself. ((hugs))

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

I completely understand where your coming from (and my SS’s are only 3 and 6!!!)… It’s so hard as a person with no children to stand back and try to understand the unconditional love of a parent for their child (even if the kid’s a little jerk!!! And sadly, 90% of teenagers are).

When ever I feel the green eyed resentment or frustration monsters clawing at my throat I try to take a deep breath and think *that’s his baby…chill!!!* and it usually at least keeps me calm enough to be human.

*laughs* I know all too well the “but I used to be such a GREAT person!” feeling too. I came into step motherhood with all the confidence in the world, I thought I was above average in the empathy and love department and that I had a lot to offer a child… artistic, musically talented, basically a big kid at heart! But what I found lurking in the corner was a snarling she-beast of judgment. And it still scares the hell out of me… I agree, be gentile with yourself and your feelings. You’re human like the rest of us…

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Thank you M C S M. It's good to hear that description of the "snarling she-beast of judgment" it is so where I am now, and so much not who I see myself as. (Although I do know that most of my judgment is focused on BM ... I don't want it to come through to the boys and I just plain don't like the way it fits on me!)

dotherighthing's picture

Glad to know this is somewhat normal to feel like this. I really am surprised that I feel this way - yep, "I used to be such a great person" :?