JEALOUS STEPDAUGHTER
My husband and my self married back in November. He had 2 children from a previous marriage and I had one. The oldest is his daughter who will be 13 in September. In the very beginning of our relationship me and her got along great. Our first Valentines Day together fell on his weekend with his kids. That was fine with me I insisted on celebrating the weekend after when we were kid free. However, my husband felt he was letting me down so he arranged with his ex wife to take the kids to her on late Saturday afternoon and get them back first thing the following morning. On the night before he had to work late and so I picked the kids up from his ex and took them to get dinner then to his house. On the way to his house the step daughter who at this time is 11 yrs old is talking to a friend on HER iphone!! First off I don't agree with a 11yr old having a cell phone under any circumstances. They shouldn't be anywhere without an adult anyways... Anyways she begins to tell her friend about how she has to go back to her moms the following afternoon where her dad can take his girlfriend out... This upset me very bad. I told my husband that I would never come between him and his kids and I left. CLUE #1 we have a problem. Things rock on after that and seem to be going pretty well. We got engaged in May and she was very excited. She even wanted to help me plan the wedding. When wedding day gets here she is great for about the first 2 hrs of getting ready and pictures until she realizes its not all about her. She makes a big scene and proceeds the rest of the day with her ass on her shoulders and a attitude from hell. Things semi smooth out after that and she even discusses wanting to come live with us once we get moved in our bigger house. NOTE* I went out and mortgaged my ass to the tilt to be able to provide a much larger house than we currently lived in for all the kids to be able to have a bedroom of their own plus a playroom. In January her attitude towards me has started to change and she has become very disrespectful toward me. I at that point received a job working night shift at my company working on the weekends that they are at our house. In my head i was thinking maybe this is the answer to everything. They can have their dads complete attention again and I won't have to be in the hostile environment. WRONG! The first time i actually get off to spend with her is on my daughters 4th birthday. I took off that Saturday from work and we had her birthday party. Again SD gets mad because the day is about my 4 yr old and not her. The week previous to this SD had broken her hand in a softball game and has to have surgery(which due to an unfortunate traffic jam my husband arrived as she was coming out of recovery). he helped get her to the car and she went home with her mother. He came home and took me to the ER due to that week doctors had found a lrg mass on my ovary and I was in a lot of pain. Fast forward to forth of July weekend...I took off work to spend with them since it felt like it had been forever since we had family time. Around 7 oclock my husband gets a text from the daughter saying she wants to stay at the lake with her mother for the weekend. he tells her no that it is his weekend and I have taken off to spend with them. She of course shows up pissed off and ready to just go to bed. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow will be better. Its not! She is angry and mad all day. My husband finally takes her outside and wants to know what was going on. She then tells him that she hates me and that he always chooses me over her blah blah blah. Eventually they come in the house and he makes her tell me what she has said. I remained calm at first and tried to reason with her but then she proceeded to tell me that she hates me and she hates my daughter(who is 4!) and wants nothing to do with us. I snap!(* not that I am proud of this) but I tell her fine if she wants to continue to be ungrateful and disrespectful she can get the hell out of my house. I then immediately regret what I said and decide that it would be better if I left.( yes I left MY own home). My husband calls his ex and has her come get the kids. The EX who we all haven't always gotten along then proceeds to blame it all on the changes of life!!! My self and my husband patch things up but I have no clue how to proceed from here. My husband has attempted to contact his ex for the last 8 days and can not get her to return his phone calls. He does however get a call from his 9 yr old son on his NEW cellphone!!! BTW daughter also got a new iphone 6 plus! Where does it end? I feel like I'm always going to loose every battle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
That is true about young
That is true about young girls who don't get enough attention from their dads seek it elsewhere and possibly end up pregnant or worse...but too much attention from dad can lead to the same thing.
Being catered to and fawned over to the exclusion of everyone else, to the point of being a companion to dad, then the girl will expect that high level of attention and being catered to from others. She will have trouble making friends, and the first asshole looking to get some will give her that attention and she could end up pregnant or worse.
Don't feel responsible if
Don't feel responsible if that child goes out and gets pregnant because she has to share her dad,that's bullshit. That girl is old enough to know what she's doing, she is minipulating the situation between you and your husband. You have to express your thoughts and feelings and really be heard!!!!, you need to be supported by your hubby as well, DONT EVER LEAVE YOUR HOME, that's yours,you worked for that. That child doesn't desrve you,maybe your hubby doesn't either. You DEFINETLY have to have a deep discussion with your hubby or this could all blow up in disaster . Don't wait .
My husband has always been a
My husband has always been a very involved father. One night a month her takes SD on a date. They go to dinner and a movie. He also takes SS on fishing trips. He makes one on one time with both children as well as coaches both of there teams in little league sports. There has only been 2 times that my Husband has put me first, one of those being our first V-day( which I insisted on doing it the weekend before or the weekend after) He choose to have it on his weekend yet I was the one who received the backlash from it. The other time was when rather him go to her mothers house to spend the night like the SD requested he came home and took me to the hospital but was back at the BMs home at 8 am the next morning to pick up SD and SS to stay at our house for the weekend so he could take care of her and spend the weekend with him.
It seems to me like you may
It seems to me like you may be a bit over sensitive to this situation. The girl is a teenager and hormonal. You got your feelings hurt because she said something about you and her dad going out. Big deal....it was true but fact is you felt guilty about it so you defelcted it as her having an attitude. Secondly, if your DH is anything like mine, he makes you the scapegoat without even realizing it. Example: DH made it late to SD's surgery but was there to take you to yours. No matter what the excuse it, the SD is going to see this as him chosing you first. DH takes the kids home so he can take YOU out to dinner.
DH was totally wrong in making SD tell you to your face what was upsetting her at that moment. I do agree it needed to be discussed but it probably would have been handled better had he let a little time pass before barging in and making it a confrontation. Your reaction did not help the situation and only confirmed for SD that she hates you.
Im not trying to sound harsh, just giving your my perspective as I have been there and made many of the same mistakes.
My DH used to let his kids run the house...I came along and all the sudden they had rules which he agreed to. THen it was "we can't play xbox all day because SM said no!" "You can't eat food all over the house because SM said so"
He would also tell the kids he would have to ask me before agreeing to let them have sleep overs...knowing he was tired and didn't want the extra kids, and then tell them no making it look like I said no. In reality he just needed the extra time to think of a good reason to say no which made me the bad guy.
That is something you will need to work with DH on...his delivery to his kids. Whether he is intending to or not, he is making her think you come first. And to a 13 yr old girl, this is the end of the world. They will pout, be a brat, be emotional and all around hell to be with at times. Just let DH have some quality time with her and also do things as a family. If she REALLY gets out of line, let DH handle it (hopefully he will) and stay out of the line of fire.
I come from divorced parents
I come from divorced parents so I understand that my SD needs one on one time , which might I add she gets. If you read my post I work nights every weekend that she and SS are there. They have BD all to themselves. He also takes each child on separate outings to get one on one time with each. For example he takes SD to dinner and a movie of her choice once a month and SS on a fishing trip or whatever SS chooses once a month. He also coaches both of their little league teams year round. I have always made sure that the kids come first and might I add left my home with my daughter after the fight in the hopes that the SD would spend the remaining weekend with her Dad. At that point she had already called her mom to come and get her and SS. The day of my daughters b-day party even after she was a complete brat to my entire family there I convienced my husband for us to go shopping that night and bought SD an entire new wardrobe of her choosing and made the entire night all about her. I never spend money on myself and will wear out my stuff before I buy something new however 2 weeks before the fall out I had bought myself a new pair of tennis shoes to replace my pair that I had wore til they had holes and when she saw them she had a fit about how we never buy her anything! This is just 2 weeks after I had spent $300 on all new summer clothes for our house for her! So what did I do?>??? I went and bought her and SS new tennis shoes and had them on their beds before they returned the next weekend! So yes I feel I have the right to call her a jealous teenager, I am not a resentful stepmother... I go above and beyond to try to make my stepkids happy but yet I am sill shit on!
Yes she phoned BM to come get
Yes she phoned BM to come get her. Her entire life revolves around the cell phone. I realized the when we had the huge blow up on July 4th that everything had gotten way out of hand trying to keep this child from making everyone's life hell. When I finally came back home after walking out I had a long talk with my husband and the main question I ask him was, If you and your ex were still married what would you have done had she treated your ex this way and his response was she would have been punished so I ask him, Why am I any different????? My daughter even though she is only 4 is made to give him the same respect as she gives myself as well as her BD.(granted he is not around but 12 hrs every 2 wks so therefore she doesn't see him as a father) I still make her respect him. I know I am not my step kids mom nor do I want to take the place of their mom, but is respecting me like they do her too much to ask?
No, it's not. That is your
No, it's not. That is your DH's fault.
They will never treat you the same as they do their mom...that's just the way it is.
Stop doing anything for SD since she doesn't give you any respect (if that is really the case).
Were they grateful at all for the sneakers or the wardrobe you bought SD? Doing these things for them after they've complained can also create a sense of entitlement.
I have learned with my sd15
I have learned with my sd15 that no matter what you do you will be the target and sd will always think you com first in Dh's life when you have done everything to make sure he focuses on her over you. My sd has told dh that she is tired of everyone pushing me down her throat which I then requested that dh keep me out of any conversations he has with sd.
I have stepped out of sd's life and let dh take full control with no input from me. I do not do anything for sd and do not clean up after her. During her eow visits I stay in the background and do my own thing to stay out of their way when they are together.
It's hard at first but gets easier the more you let go. Good luck and keep your head held high.
This is my second posting. I
This is my second posting. I can't help but to feel a sisterhood with you. The child will never be your own,do not treat her as if she is. Maybe now you need a different approach. I get the whole cell phone thing is completely absurd for an 11 or 13 year old to have; my two step demons have them as well. Let's put this into perspective, SHES NOT YOUR CHILD,ITS OK FOR YOU TO NOT LOVE OR EVEN LIKE HER!!! Don't feel bad about that. She is a master manipulater,yes she is jealous of you and your child. Don't ever take it personally when she treats you like crap, you're not that special; if you weren't the one her dad was with, and he married someone else ,she would hate them too! That's how it is. All you can do Is treat her like a guest in your home because she is. NO MORE LAVISH SHOPPING TRIPS,SHE WONT LIKE YOU ANY BETTER. your only promoting more bad behavior. Treat her kind and respectful,your also not her friend,no big conversations. Keep everything short and sweet. You also have to remember that before you she didn't share her father. Make sure she has ample time alone with dad. That also allows you alone time with your own baby. It's ok to feel all the emotions that your feeling,I'm assuming you're human,lol. At the end of the day,you both love the same man. You must keep your line of communication open with your spouse,but never discuss things in front of the kids. Don't let her see you upset,your allowing her the feeling of satisfaction to know your miserable.. Good luck you will need it as we all do as step parents.
When I first started dating
When I first started dating SO, he was a pure disney dad to SD11 (at the time). She was his mini-wife (learnt that term here). We almost broke up because I had no experience or understanding fo this situation. The fact that an adult man treated his child like his spouse was a difficult one to absorb. I learnt that this was quite common with divorced dad's who had been single for some time and had daughters. The daughters were put in the "equal status" role where Dad would treat them as emotional sounding boards. Daughter would get used to this status of being "# 1" and act accordingly. Then new girlfriend comes along, daughter acts out and shit hits the fan. He also had a Son (10 at the time), who he was a parent to - SS wasn't spoilt, entitled and learnt to do whatever SD wanted as he realised that she was daddy's favourite.
We had to go get counselling and thank God we did! Our counsellor talked to us about boundaries and the fact that SO needed to learn and understand two very important things.
#1 priority is your partner/spouse. Your focus is on keeping eachother happy and fulfilled within the relationship. You support one another and are a united front when dealing with family and others. You focus on eachothers WANTS and not necessarily NEEDS.
#1 responsibility are your children. Your role is to ensure their needs are met . You ensure their NEEDS are meant and not necessarily, their WANTS i.e. educational, medical, clothing, health and that they are secure in their homes.
Difference being: WANTS and NEEDS. A child NEEDS their parents to guide them into adulthood by ensuring their NEEDS are met.
Spouses/partners focus on eachothers WANTS (adults can take care of their own needs).
SD11 had gotten used to running the household. She believed that SHE was the woman of the family and even had a bad attitude when her own Grandma came to take care of them whilst SO worked. She saw herself as the mini-wife and even asked SO what he needed me for, if she could give him everything he needed. SO had to be the one to sit her down and talk to her. He stopped being a disney dad and started being her Dad same as he did her brother. SD of course went nuts and accused SO of favouring her brother over her. This made SO really step up because he realised he'd raised them both with different styles of parenting.
Now SD hates the fact that she's relegated back to child status, she is punishing SO and refuses to visit. SO has tried everything but BM supports SD 100% so we've let it go for now. SS(now 13) continues to visit, is doing exceptionally well at school and has a lovely time with us when he comes over.
SD is doing terrible at school, fights wiht BM all the time and "cut" herself for attention. She cut the palm of her hand, not her wrists. BM called the ambulance and the Police but refused to call SO. SS was the one who called SO and it was to tell SO that SD refused to have SO visit her. SD had a psych evaluation and they found nothing wrong or disturbing - conclusion was that she did it to gain attention.
The consequences for SD doing this? BM allowed her to take 5 days off school to go hang out with her cousins' in another state. We are trying to just stay out of it as it's too much toxic drama and as per our Counsellor's advice..we need to focus on the kids that are doing well adn the ones we can actually help.
I finally came to terms that
I finally came to terms that I wasn't going to let her ruin my life. SS9 came to visit last weekend even though SD12 didn't. My hub went to pick him up and ask SD12 if she was coming to visit and she told him no. His response back was its your loss and turned to walk off. She then replied whats that suppose to mean and he said well you are the one missing out on spending time with your dad who loves you very much, however, i am not going to stand here and beg you or bribe you to spend time with me. He then went on to tell her that he was done trying to passify her to keep the peace and would not be going out of his way to make her happy. I was very proud of my hubs for standing up to her. He told her as he was leaving that she was welcome at our house anytime but that there would be consequences to her actions on the 4th when she came back and that if she chose to coem back she would treat me and my BD with respect. Hopefully this is a turning point for us. My hubs went on to take the opportunity while he had BS9 alone to tell him that his sisters actions were not right and that if he thougth he could act and treat people the way she does he would be punished as well.
I'm trying to adjust to the things I can not change.... But happy that my husband loves me, my daughter loves me, and at the current moment my SS loves me. Hopefully one day the relationship between SD and me can be repaired but if it doesn't I know I will be ok.