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I've given up and going back to my therapist

RLZ0073's picture

Someone posted this link in another post, if you haven't read this before, I highly suggest

I found myself crying here in the dark. I resent this whole thing. I resent his ex for sitting on her ass for 12 years... not knowing what she did or didn't do to result in these 2 SDs (14 & 13) being in her words 'b&tches and joysuckers'. She's such a b&tch herself that she lied to my H last week, saying that she had a medical emergency ('they' found nothing wrong with her... it's a miracle!!!!) so she could dump them and the family dog with us so she could runaway this weekend.

I resent these two SDs that I can't make myself and won't make myself love them. Ever. They're rude, argumentative, bossy, horrible kids. I can't stand them. I can't stand them using my stuff as they just think everything I own is now theirs. I cringe when I hear the doors open to their rooms or I hear them stomping down the stairs, because I know that nothing good is going to happen. My D is 22 and she's not perfect but she's never been remotely close to acting like this.

The saddest part is: I am now resenting my H most of all. I almost feel like I am this outside party stuck in the middle of their life. I don't know what I am anymore. I cringe when he touches me. We're not even talking right now. I feel like he has no huevos. He doesn't put his foot down against these 2 brats or her. He is actually getting mad at me because I've started putting my foot down as I am getting tired of all this shit and snapping.

I've set up an appointment to go back to my therapist and figure out the best way to take care of myself. My previous shrink recommended that I find a previously married man instead of a never married man when I was divorced in 2013. I almost think he's wrong. Maybe I should found a man whose kids are grown and gone or a man with none at all and didn't want kids. These hell spawn will never go away. I lose respect for him when they yell at him and disrespect him and he just doesn't do anything about it.

I'm so done with all this. I feel like a failure. I just want to be alone again. Even though it hurt so bad to be alone... it gave me anxiety attacks and chest pain as I felt like abandoned by life and I was just waiting to have a heart attack and be found dead. At least if I was alone, anything that hurt me was caused by myself to myself and not having any control of my own gosh darn life. 

I just have nowhere I can write this. 







Rags's picture

The "do over" is a very powerful life option.  The great thing about a do over is that you can take as many as you need until  you no longer need them.

I took a do over on marriage.  After my divorce I was fully prepared to not marry again. Ever.  Then ... life changed my plans and put several great women in my life.  For three years after my divorce I actively dated.  I had a great time. However, I purposely avoided women who would be marriage material for me.   Then over the course of a couple of months I met and started dating 4 women who were amazing and would be great life partners.  Fortunately I chose the one who has been my wife for 25+ years.  I had a date for Thanksgiving with one of the women I was dating.  She is the niece of a former Governor and Cabinet Secretary.   Our parents went to college together. We were going to spend the Holiday with her family at her Uncles house.  I canceled that date when I met my wife.   I let her know the day after my first date with my wife, two weeks before Thanksgiving.  My bride and I had TG together with her son (then 15mos old).  That was the start of making a life together.

So, take a do over. Do what is right for you.  A failed relationship is not a personal failure. It is a failure caused by a relationship that doesn't work. For a relationship to work, it takes two fully committed equity life partners that make each other and the relationship their uncontested priority. PERIOD!  It takes two. Not one, not 1.1, not 1.9.  It takes two.  Less than two doesn't work in any relationship worth having.

Don't beat yourself up.   If you take a do over make changes that will put you in contact with the types of people that you want to spend time with.  That is the class of people that will give you quality candidates for a partner.  

Never settle. Focus on you and when you least expect it.... THE one will be there and the two of you will make a life together.

Take care of you.

RLZ0073's picture

I’m 46... I was divorced for 3 years when I met my now H. I was ready to be alone and my online dating subscription was almost over and I was declining everyone who even just sent me an email.

My own family back in my home state was happy I was alone. (I was verbally and physically abused as a child by my mother, meanwhile my sisters were rarely treated the same.) one of the few memories I have of my father is him choking me and lifting me by my neck off the floor while doing it. My mom was right there and all these years later has not explained it. My family was not happy when I remarried... yet they never met H. When he was finally up there on business, he went and spent the whole day with my mom. She lied to him big time about me and said I was a drunk and slept around (meanwhile I left the state when I was 23 and was already a mom and ‘settled’ at 22... )

I guess no one will tell you the truth when their children are horrible. Why would they? I feel like he takes his anger out on me when they’re around and he’s pissed with them and I find him treating me like he should them.

It’s too late for me age wise and at this point I think the only solution for me is to accept that I’ll be spending the rest of my time on this planet alone... trying to figure out what I did to earn this painful existence. 

I was his wife but his offspring and his ex are too much to bear. After I was divorced the first time, me and my previous spouse barely texted and never talked by phone, even with a child together. Why is this so different? 

I am a failure all the way around and there’s nothing that can change that.

Rags's picture

Far from a failure, re-engaging with your therapist is a success characteristic.   Life is not a fail or succeed binary thing. Life is a process.   First and foremost labeling yourself as an all around failure has to stop.  You are in your 40s.  You are not dead.  You have 50% of your life left to live.  The only thing that will label you as a failure is if you give up.

You have time for a 30+ year relationship if you work on you, work on finding the types of people who will be the right types of people to be an equity life partner for you.  

The thing that will change your perspective on being an "all the way around" failure is for you to first stop that bullshit mindset and start taking care of  yourself.  Baby steps work.  You just have to take those steps, one after the other.  Success in life is not a destination.  Success in life is making the journey.  That is true in all parts of life.  In career, in relationships, etc...

Good luck and take care of you.

CLove's picture

I married for the first time at 50, and Im 51.

You are so totally NOT a failure. Listen, all the folks that leave miserable step situations on here, come back and repost how awesome and incredible their lives are. Go back to therapy, and definitely reevaluate this marriage. I dont know your financial situation, but I read your profile and previous posts. You have been through so much in your life, and accomplished much.

You need to get away from these miserable cretins. No one can stand being around them, not even their own mother! LOL. That reminds me of oSD20, Feral Forger. She currently lives with her BM, Toxic Troll, and they are constantly arguing, fighting, like slapping and that kind of thing. Seriously. The thing that you need to do is NOT spend your life crying in the dark.

You will not spend your life alone, get out of this relationship and your entire perspective on life will definitely change.

ctnmom's picture

that you frame yourself as a failure. Your HUSBAND is the failure, he's failing YOU! You need to re frame your narrative. Rags is right- there's always room and time for a do over. If you decide to go that route, see it as an adventure, not leaping into being "alone". Best of luck , you seem like such a sweetie. 

RLZ0073's picture

thank you, ctnmom. I’ve tried so dang hard with these SDs. It kills me that they’re so mean and ugly to everyone in their family. 

Its sad that his family prays for me and always asks me how I put up with them. 

I love him but I’m the only adult in their lives who has more parenting experience and rhese 2 parents think these kids are great. Their grades are nothing exceptional but good... but it’s truly their attitudes and treatment of others that will truly dictate what happens to them in life. And they don’t seem to care. 

I cant continue to receive the anger of these 2 brats who don’t like that I call them out for what they are and neither do their parents. 

These amazingly audacious bold crap these girls pull is insane.

Aniki's picture

Oh, hon, you are NOT a failure! Your husband has failed EPICALLY as a parent. HIS failure (and BMs) is why these girls act so poorly. 

We all make mistakes. The best thing we can do is learn the lesson and move onward and upward. Please love yourself more and move on with your life.


ETA: My Dad remarried (widowed) at the youthful age of 86. It is NEVER too late!

Rags's picture

My Grandmother was widowed at 69 and remarried at 70.  Her second husband was her HS sweetheart that she was engaged to when she met my Granddad.  They married on her birthday.  She passed away at 90yo one month after a big celebration for her birthday and 20th anniversary.

She was married for nearly seventy years.  Most of them very happily.   47 to my grandfather and 20 the second time.  The not so happy times were during my grandfather's waning years of struggle with Alzheimers.

She is buried next to my Granddad (Who is buried next to my youngest brother) with a foot stone noting that she was also the wife of her 2nd DH.  He is buried next to his first wife with a similar footstone noting him as the DH of my GM.   His first wife passed away 4 years before he and my GM had married.  He was 76 when he and my GM married.  He passed away 5mos after my GM passed. He was 96.

Too old is not a thing.  Particularly when it applies to being happy.

notasm3's picture

I had to laugh out loud at your “I’m too old” comment. I met my wonderful husband when I was almost 20 years older. 

I have countless friends who remarried in their early 50s and older. To good men.