I've given up and going back to my therapist
Someone posted this link in another post, if you haven't read this before, I highly suggest
I found myself crying here in the dark. I resent this whole thing. I resent his ex for sitting on her ass for 12 years... not knowing what she did or didn't do to result in these 2 SDs (14 & 13) being in her words 'b&tches and joysuckers'. She's such a b&tch herself that she lied to my H last week, saying that she had a medical emergency ('they' found nothing wrong with her... it's a miracle!!!!) so she could dump them and the family dog with us so she could runaway this weekend.
I resent these two SDs that I can't make myself and won't make myself love them. Ever. They're rude, argumentative, bossy, horrible kids. I can't stand them. I can't stand them using my stuff as they just think everything I own is now theirs. I cringe when I hear the doors open to their rooms or I hear them stomping down the stairs, because I know that nothing good is going to happen. My D is 22 and she's not perfect but she's never been remotely close to acting like this.
The saddest part is: I am now resenting my H most of all. I almost feel like I am this outside party stuck in the middle of their life. I don't know what I am anymore. I cringe when he touches me. We're not even talking right now. I feel like he has no huevos. He doesn't put his foot down against these 2 brats or her. He is actually getting mad at me because I've started putting my foot down as I am getting tired of all this shit and snapping.
I've set up an appointment to go back to my therapist and figure out the best way to take care of myself. My previous shrink recommended that I find a previously married man instead of a never married man when I was divorced in 2013. I almost think he's wrong. Maybe I should found a man whose kids are grown and gone or a man with none at all and didn't want kids. These hell spawn will never go away. I lose respect for him when they yell at him and disrespect him and he just doesn't do anything about it.
I'm so done with all this. I feel like a failure. I just want to be alone again. Even though it hurt so bad to be alone... it gave me anxiety attacks and chest pain as I felt like abandoned by life and I was just waiting to have a heart attack and be found dead. At least if I was alone, anything that hurt me was caused by myself to myself and not having any control of my own gosh darn life.
I just have nowhere I can write this.