Thanks, folks...yeah, confirms where I'm at, I think I just need a little 'backup' now and then - reality check.  I might even talk to a counselor myself - this causes a lot of anxiety and stress, as you all know!   This isn't normal.   Yes, the mail's being set to 'return to sender' ASAP.  I pay for the damn PO box.

I have a substance abuse past myself, and understand the AA program (tho not currently in it).  I've seen many like him come and go while there; I spent a lot of my life around a lot of drugs (former musician lol)...they are users, even if they can't help it/don't mean to be.  They'll take what they can get to remain locked in their coccoon, and damn the OTHER ppl's lives they affect/ruin.   That's what's happening, to the best of my belief.  This can make it WORSE, and result in far worse consequences for the user!!  And it drags up old 'issues'...it's a 'trigger', if you will.   Life was pretty stable prior to this, for a decade...not now.

When we fight about it, I get the typical complaints: you're controlling, you were like him (no, I never used others for $!), you knew I had kids when we met - anything to redirect the complaint to something personal about me (ad hominen attacks).  The 'help' angle is, I guess, 'normal' to her.  The premise is that I'm too rigid, not giving, not 'warm and embracing' of her son (whom I barely know beyond having established his 'character'...that of a 17 yr old stoner at 36 yrs, basically).  So now I'm the bad guy if I ever mention anything...that approach works pretty well to get someone to STFU, I guess.    But after a bit of this, I react poorly (my fault, I'll own that), by calling him a bum, her an enabler, "WTF, this is mental!" and so on (he is not present when we argue, I don't play that).  It rapidly gets to "Sorry, this is my family, let me know what you want to do".  Along with telling me I'm the nutty one, lol (gaslighting).      I literally calmly approached her a couple weeks ago about selling everything and splitting it all 50/50 in the most equitable way possible, but that got derailed too (we all want to have our cake AND eat it too).   I think she's torn, probably feels guilty about her role in his younger life (? I wasn't there).   It's even gone so far as to have it be MY fault that I didn't 'work with him more' when he was around....we were dating, he was 18 and never home...nope, I didn't make this situation, and it's not mine.  I told him to wrap his rascal - he didn't, x2.   Basically, as I understand it - I put up with it, or say the magic D word.

This feels a lot like  I'm outnumbered and outgunned, and kind of 'ultimatumed' to put up with it or else.  It's why I didn't want her bringing him to our area in the first place (after I DID 'put my foot down').  I saw this coming 3 years ago, and yup...here we go.   

Agreed. The way to help would've been getting him into a residential program when he was on the streets last year - it was a golden moment to do an intervention like that.  That would've triggered a case manager, assisted living, occupational rehab, etc. I tried to push those things and they got rejected (by him; she is a marshmallow with him & won't call him on not accepting).   

At this point I think it's time to make sure I don't get in the homeless position, LOL. It's just suck that we couldn't get past stupid valentine's day first.

The trouble is, what does 'direct assertive action' look like?  Walking out?  Divorce papers?

I've tried the whole gamut, advised her to make 'aid and comfort' come with the price of going to a substance abuse program and counseling (there is a wait time here, months...which would've been thru had this been started last JULY instead of now).  That's the 'least big mean guy' that I can be.   But there she is on the phone later, talking to him about getting him her old computer to play games on from his boarding house (using his last $ to pay for internet connection).

I think if and when I DO make that ultimatum and do the papers...that'll just be 'confirmation' of her victim status and that yes, I'm the bad guy, abandoning her when HER family needs help.  Same way her last marriage ended, in fact (15 yrs ago).   This is mental, IMHO.  People who will take their adult kid acting like this and just allow the continual do NOTHING, go NOWHERE yet stay there 'helping', never really expecting (or demanding!) a change..it's a sickness. Co-dependency.  It ruins lives.  I'm pretty pissed it took this long to emerge, to be honest. I thought we'd retire here at some point.   *shrug*

Counseling: yeah, in time...there are wait lists (rural area).  Months.  I'd like to go over this with someone just to assure myself that I'm not overblowing things or jumping at shadows.  I see a progression of 'one foot in the door, then the next...' happening.  Guy controls MY life, that's the real problem. He says "mommy', she says "yes, sweetie?".    It feels very odd, from my POV, but perhaps I AM just a big old meanie...I dunno.    I know enough psych to understand family dynamics, and how 'power structures' work.   There is one working here, and it's her & him vs. me, not her and I vs. the world, as it should be (again, my POV).    We're ONE (real) family crisis from me just walking the hell out and be done with it. 

Thank you for that story, Just K. Tho tragic, it really does show this cycle very clearly!! Worth saving to text, in fact. It's going on all over the place today. I think it's sick, and want no part of it; now I know why you meet these guys in their 50s/60s who live alone in a trailer and have NO desire to have a GF or other companion.  This dysfunction is now 'normal' for millions of people now.  Amazing.

After a suck (but non-fighting) V-day, I think it's clear we have some long-standing marriage problems that we'll either work at, live with, or I'll end up 'liquidating' as Rags puts it, LOL.  Wait n see for now.  We talked some last night, but are on different pages, absolutely. DW is more 'oh, just go with the flow, things work out' while I'm far more protective of my home, finances, future etc.(having lived the unstable rock musician life for a good number of years when young).  This doesn't eat at her like it does me.  I also watched my older sister do the same to my parents decades back...leach off them with her 5 kids, so I'm a bit sensitive to how people start to 'work' on others, worming their way in more and more.  My wife DOES have boundaries, but they are more lenient than mine and I see a pattern of caving when she perceives her kid to be in a crisis (of his own making, of course).  So for now it's clear - if you bring him here, papers will be served within 24 hours, and the home will be sold. 

As for the marriage, only time will tell.  I don't think I'll be happy going forward in what's looking more like a 'business partnership' than 2 people who choose to share their lives out of mutual love and admiration.      I think I'd be more like a guy in a trailer than "Ronny" at this age, LOL - but in the end, that may be more stable, IF this evolves into 'more care required' for SS that isn't of the professional kind.   The biggest 'lesson' here, for me - maybe others will benefit from this - is that the 'unilateral decision' she made bringing him to our property was similar to confessing an affair...it's had the effect of making me not trust what she'll do in the future, no matter what her motives were (and I do understand them).  I did tell her that, and a few other key points, so it's in the open.  Whether that bothers her or not, I'm not sure.  The only answer I got was "well, that's in the past, we can't keep rehashing that...".  

Thanks for the kind words!  

Since we married when I was 39, 1st marriage, no kids...I kept all my stuff separate. Bill money goes into a joint acc't. We both pay into that for property taxes and joint expenses.   So no, she can't 'get my money' other than by jamming me up legally somehow (not ready to 'go there', but edging into those thoughts).    

That said, I agree w/Rags - I'm self employed in the trades so can make good money in a short time - thus I tend to pay our land taxes in bulk, and/or buy the year's firewood supply (generally "and").  This frees resources that can go to skid, but not in a big way - YET.  He's getting some of my food now, for sure. Guess that frees up HIS resources to buy a bottle, tho the explanation of this goes right over her head.   I think some people like this dependence cycle.

Had his kids over this weekend (they're in state custody, we're giving foster mom a break).  Took 'em to McD's...on the way back of course we had to drop a 'care package' off for their dad (the skid) unannounced to me, who is not permitted to see them. I nearly jumped out of the car and ran, LOL.  What a sh*t show, it was like having a truly 'gone' homeless guy come up to the car playing a plastic harmonica (that's exactly what he did). 5pm, wasted from Friday night's booze still.   And she still doesn't understand why I want to be left out of this part of her life.     So this evening it's time for a BOUNDARY DECLARATION - either he and her interactions are done without ANY of my presence or I'm not going to go anywhere w/her or do anything w/his kids.  This is the 3rd time she's 'sprung' the "Have to stop by skid's flophouse while we're in town..." routine.    It is embarrassing to me, I feel ashamed to go there.    

Oh boy, this stuff is GREAT.  Now I'm starting to see how this works.   And in 10-15 yrs (if not sooner)  I can expect his 2 sons to come looking for Nana to fix their woes when Nana is 70...NOW I get it....

It wasn't as dramatic as that, and he's not 'banned' from seeing them...in this state, it's 'not on the approved list', if there is a distinction.  Not court-ordered, it's bc they're in state custody.  He remained outside the car and didn't 'visit'.  But I understand and 'get' the bad judgement in it, and was/am pretty pissed off about it. Luckily they don't remember him, but they did feel weird. Sadly, there is little I can do re. the kids - they're in a good foster home - far better than at their mother's, which I won't go into!

After a few of these decisions have come down unilaterally now, it's getting pretty clear that this marriage is 1-way, and whatever is agreed upon to keep peace temporarily can and will be walked over in the moment; agreements will be reversed in a heartbeat if 'needed'.   Y'know, like in a dictatorship.   I'm exploring my options. Early 50s here - I don't want to be 60 and have to sort this out right before trying to retire.