I realised I am scared of SD16!
This weekend we had some wins my DH and I. We connected and communicated and managed SD16's latest manipulations and tricks together. She refuses to go out unless it is with Daddy so we agreed that we would just go about her business each weekend with one trip out for her with Daddy in the mix. We bored her out of the house. Yay!. She actually went to something with a friend. Then I wondered why once the happy dust had settled that I had a feeling of ill ease. It is her brooding mood and my past experience that what is coming next will be even worse.
Yes I realised it, I am scared of my SD16!
Tell me to grow up and be an adult. She has done so much over time that even though we have worked hard together, seen a counsellor and both improved our ability to downplay her power games, I am still conditioned to worry at what comes next.
Help me.
Does anyone have the experience that once you start improving your ability to cope with them that it keeps getting better?
Give me hope to sustain all this hard work. I want to be a happier wife and mum to my little boy.
I have SD17 and SD15 EOW. I
I have SD17 and SD15 EOW. I wouldn't say I am exactly scared of them, but I do dread what fresh hell lies in wait for me and DH from them or their toxic mother.
I have felt reassured by DH that SD17 will NOT come and live with us (this was being threatened for about a year) DH has offered to rent her a place of her own when she is 18 but she is such a big baby she can't bear to leave mummykins. She sounds a bit like your SD16, not wanting to go out on her own.
I think as you and your DH get more experience in jointly dealing with her, you will feel more confident.
I think you are suffering
I think you are suffering from trauma. It isn't fear of HER per say, it's fear of the next trauma. She has taught you that there is always another shoe that is going to drop. You are living in a state of hyper-vigilance, not knowing what is going to happen next.
One step toward healing is to "disengage." Simply begin to really, really understand and respect what is and is not yours to deal with. She is your husbands child, thus HE is the one who has to deal with her. When she pulls some crap that doesn't directly effect YOU and your life, leave it alone and don't think about it. Leave the house and leave your husband to deal with his child.
Also, as KES said, the more you and your husband deal with her together -- the better you will feel. And, honestly, her behavior may actually get better once she sees that the two of you are a united front. The key here being that your husband is dealing with her and not letting her get away with her crap.
It takes time, but eventually you won't be living for HER and HER every move. Instead, you will be living your life for you again.
You have just about 2 more
You have just about 2 more years until SD turns 18. DISENGAGE NOW. You are one of the few lucky ones who has DH's support. Sounds like he is over her tactics and drama, just as you are. Don't look at it like you are "scared of her." Absolutely do NOT give her that power over you. You are simply her father's wife. Nothing more, nothing less. Your DH and you should continue to stand united, each and every time she tries to manipulate your world.
The more you give to her, the more she will take. The more drama she creates, the more she solidifies her position in your world..."I am #1 to Daddy." That's all SD18 wanted in my house. No matter the day, the situation, she needed to be #1 and DH fell into her trap each and every time.
Your energy should not be spent on waiting for the next bomb to drop. It should be spent on your family, your world, and knowing that your DH loves you enough to stand with you. Don't waste one more second of your life worrying about what SD is or isn't doing. Your DH and your son are the ones who need you the most.
All this feedback was all
All this feedback was all very very good. Thankyou for caring to write. I have read and reread every word.
I feel like a whimp.
You would not believe that I am nothing like this at work or socially. Bizarre that I feel this way in my home because of a teenager. Truly I feel ashamed and now uplifted by this sensible and straight forward advice.
My DH is wonderful now. It has truly taken a great deal out of me to get him to this point of understanding. I think it is that historical damage that is evident in my current state. In and out. Sometimes strong and disengaged and sometimes angry, resentful, hyper vigilant (great word) and at times just a wreck.
OK thank you, I am going to suck it up and watch a little Cesar. Get a sense of humour back. Start asking some straight forward questions of miss hit and run. Look after my husband and my little boy. Let my DH parent.
Thankyou!
An update from me. I am
An update from me.
I am absolutely nailing it. On the inside I feel disengaged and secure.
Cesar Milan in training.