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I hate my stepdaughter!

Peaceheart's picture

My Partner and I have been together for 12 years.
My SD, now 17, came to live with us 4 years ago...since her mother kicked her out.

Orginally, I had such high hopes that things were going to work out... of being a mentor for this girl. A friend and someone that she could turn to. Hah...yeah right.

All was good as long as I was handing out money but things went west when I took her to task for stealing from me constantly.
She is the most mendacious person that I have ever I take that back. Her mother lies just as much.
We live in a very small town and as such it gets back to me all of the time the horrible things that she is saying about me.
The names that she calls me and the lies that she is telling about me.
She moved out about 10 months ago because she could not follow her fathers rules. Even though she does not even live with us,
she continues to talk about me behind my back.

She has just started having regular meetings with her father and he on these occasions has decided to bring her home for the day.
My problem lies in the fact that I absolutely resent that she is coming into my home as though she has done nothing. I hate every
minute that she is around. I hate every time that she phones and talks to her dad.

I don't expect anyone to respond with anything but distain to my posting. I know the logical response to a posting such as mine
but I guess I just need to vent, stamp my feet like a little immature child but I really have tried with this girl and I feel
that she is so unfair and somewhat feel betrayed (illogical, I know) by the fact that her father is still thinking that the
sun shine out of this girl rear end.

I do not think that I have felt this hateful and resentful ever before and I do not know how I will get over it. She will always
be in my life by virtue of her father being in my life. AHHHHHH

Thank you for listening. Sorry that I am being so hateful but I really do hate this girl.

Peaceheart's picture

caregiver1127....I just feel like crying! Crying because I now know that I am not alone.... Sad

Cinderella was probably a brat's picture

She sounds like a brat and you have every right to not want her in your home after how she has treated you. I would feel exactly the same way. It's almost like people expect us to be kind and loving in all the right ways to our skids, but never hurt or offended when we are treated like poo by them (or BM or DH). I don't feel like I am the greatest stepmom right now, so I won't bother to give you any advice, but know we are listening and understand. Loves Smile

instantfamily's picture

Oh, honey, you are NOT alone! And, you're not evil or wrong or bad for not being able to stand someone who's treated you like dirt and abuses the people you love- even if it is her own father! I often tell my own mother that she's a nut for still talking to her own sister because the woman is such a waste of space, but she feels obligated because "it's family". Well, family or no, that doesn't mean you have to love or even like someone who abuses you and stealing from you and lying about you qualify as abusive.
What's probably got you even more distraught is that her father and your partner is putting up with he AND bringing her into your space. You have every right to feel upset and hurt. I'm sorry this is going on. Have you told your partner how it makes you feel?

Most Evil's picture

Honey I can relate and you are not alone. Sometimes I almost think though, that my DH does see how SD is, but is choosing to 'love' her out of it? and hopefully that will work.

But since I am not her parent in any other manner, I am not her parent in doing that. So between us hopefully SD will get love AND reality, and grow up to be a good person.

If not, oh well! it is her life! is the bottom line. They can only blame their parents for so long. So it doesn't really matter, it is on the child, like it is on each of us, and everyone in the world.

Don't beat yourself up. HUGS

sunshine73's picture


I'm another one here to tell you that you have company here in the world. Right now I'm supervising my 17 yo SD while she details her room. Earlier this week I uncovered that she has been sneaking her boyfriend into our house. Two days later I received a call from the principal that she will have OSS next week for violating the school's cell phone policy....with someone else's cell phone. I cut her phone off the day prior. Last week was stressful, stressful, stressful due to those events and other things at her hand.

She moved in with me a few months ago. Her father is deployed and will return shortly, thankfully. She comes from a home where structure and discipline are absent. At first, her father and I were sensitive to where she was coming from and tried several things to mentor her. She has been caught lying, coming home later than normal from school, breaking curfew, defying what she's told, and leaving the house unsecure (which I've talked to her about time and time again. Our nice little neighborhood has been the victim of several breakins the past few months.). Two weeks ago she was grounded for doing something I told her not to. Today she was supposed to have her phone and computer privileges back, but instead she's spent the past few days completing chore after chore and answering to her father about her ridiculous behavior. She's not taken responsibility for her actions, and for that matter she's tried to blame her father and I for doing what she's done. Her tone and attitude have been repulsive. My normally peaceful house has been disrupted by her nonsense. Additionally, my DH and I have a preschooler who has suffered due to her actions.

So, with that short story, and a few other things I didn't mention, I have come to feel as you. Her father told her that he may not allow her to stay with us after she graduates. Inside, I jumped for joy. While I want to help get this girl on track and show her what "right" looks like, she's taken a toll on this household that I have come to find almost unbearable.

I'll be thinking about you (and others in our position), and hoping for the best for us and that we will find peace in the midst of these situations.

Orange County Ca's picture

It's your home also and you should have the right to veto anyone coming in. As a practical matter however I would just absent myself from the home whenever she's around.

You have every right to your feelings.

Peaceheart's picture


It is very very comforting to not feel alone in this mess that I call my life! :sick:

I erroneously thought at the time that I met my husband that I would be such a wonderful influence in this child's life.
WRONG...oh so wrong.

We went through all of the same issue with this child's mother. The mother lied about my husband and I. Fabucated some horrendous stories about my husband. Stole. Moved man after man into the family home. So there is a part of me that understands where this girl has learnt her 'Ways'.
I had again, erroneously thought that once the ex-wife moved out of my life, then I would be done with such negitivity. How naive I was!

I do not like living like this. I do not like feeling like this and I do not like dreading when she comes near me. My self esteem has gone down because I feel that I must be a horrible person to not be able to raise myself to a higher level. }:)

Here is the ironic part...when I hear other S/mums relating their stories along these lines...I see it for what it is and that is ..... that the father does not support his wife. That the S/child goes out of her way to alianate the S/mum and to portray her/himself as the victim..and on and on. I see it for what it is...NOT THE S/MUM/S FAULT!!! ...and can give advice along those lines. I find it very hard to take my own advice. I find it very hard to not turn it inward.

I just wish that things were different. I am not a bad person. I am loving and kind. I just can not stand anymore being seen as a BITCH.
I am not so stupid as to think that I had not pushed buttons sometimes but only after being kicked time and time again by ex-wife, child and father.

I am just so sorry that I sound like such a horror....maybe I am and just do not want to see it.


apete's picture

You don't sound like a horror. You sound frustrated and angry. And it's not your fault.

ThatGirl's picture

Did I write this?? That was my first thought when I read your post, Peaceheart. I've been here at work trying not to cry, and looking for something that might help me figure some of this out. I found this website and your post was the first I've read. I have so much empathy for your situation, as it seems to perfectly mirror my own. If you were to add in a 19yo SS who's a heroin junkie, we'd be twins.

This is all so very hard for me. I didn't have any of these issues with my own sons. There are just way too many things for me to coherently list right now. About all I can say is that I don't want to go home tonight. Isn't that sad? And the worst part is that I don't think he can ever understand Sad

Peaceheart's picture

Oh ThatGirl, I so concur. I think that we were seperated at birth but destine to live the same life.
I also do not have the same issue with my bio son, who happens to be the same age as SD. But that makes sense doesn't it because our children have been with us since birth. We would never of allowed the situation to of gotten this far. We would never allow our own children to disrespect anyone the way the SD are allowed to by their bio parents. hugs

ThatGirl's picture

My two sons, 20 and 22, fall in line with the ages of his four, 13, 17, 19, 21. They all knew each other growing up and were even friends in their younger years. They grew apart as they got older and before we ever got together, because their behaviors/upbringing were so different. My sons actually feel sorry for me now, knowing what I have to put up with these other kids. I'm actually embarassed, and don't like having them over when his kids are there, which is actually quite easy since my kids prefer not to visit when his are around.

As it stands now, we only have one of his living with us every other week (the youngest, B13). He's actually improved a great deal since I've been in the picture the last couple of years. His oldest isn't an issue, as she lives with her BF and newborn. The two middles (G17 & B19) were with us every other week, or when their mother no longer wanted them, or less if they were on restriction here. Now they are not with us at all (grass is greener over there, no supervision/rules/consequences). Those two are making me crazy, and really making me reconsider my decision to be a part of this family. As it stands, I've already said I do not want to get married until they are all over 18 and out of the house. I want to be his wife, but NOT their step-mother.

B19 is a high school drop out. No job, suspended driver's license, no car, no plans to go back to school. We believe him to be a heroin addict (friends have been busted), but he's still lying about it. Tries to placate his father by giving him little bits like admitting to having "tried" it once, says he "didn't like it" and doesn't "want to end up like his friends," blah blah blah. He talks a good game (must have been a car salesman in another life) and always manages to snow his Dad into believing he's got a plan to get his life back on track. Oh yeah, and now he's got a 24yo girlfriend who's supposedly pregnant, but is trying to help him straighten out (yeah right!).

G17 hasn't dropped out of high school, but mother has her on home-school (yet mother is never home). This girl has been to the ER for vicodin OD at 15, shoplifting, pregnancy tests, drinking, sneaking out, staying over at boys houses, the whole nine yards. She started out wanting to be my pal, and I thought maybe I'd be a good mentor of sorts. Initially, I let her borrow clothes, make up, whatever. Then she started stealing from me, even taking my things back to her mother's. Lying and crying and getting all defensive when caught. Saying things like, "Why do you always take Her side?" or "It's because you give Her all the attention" We've had a friend come to our door in the middle of the night to tell us she's "drunk and/or on drugs" and in the local bar trying to "score alcohol!" But her father still always gloats about her being smart and athletic.

Between the two of them, we've had to put locks on our bedroom and bathroom doors. They've broken into our home to throw parties while we were gone for the weekend. They've stolen keys and made copies. They've destroyed every screen and door jam breaking in multiple times. I still try to make them feel welcome when they visit, but G17 doesn't even acknowledge me with a Hello or Goodbye when she's there. B19 tries to hug me and thank me for having him over, which is equally creepy.

I feel like I've done so much for them, only to have them turn around and talk massive crap about me, spreading lies saying I'm a drug addict, or that I was having an affair with their father before they split up, lots of really mean and hurtful things. Aside from what they do and say to me, I hate seeing what the way they've treated their father, and how he puts up with it. I hate seeing how all his kids like and stick up for each other. I hate seeing how his youngest is always so defensive of them, so the point where he will lie and cover even when he's the one they've stolen from. It feels so entirely abusive to me.

By BF's father travelled cross country last week for what he claims might be his last chance to visit before he passes. He's melodramatic in a silly old guy sense. Her was at our house all week and weekend, and those two kids couldn't break away from their busy party plans to spend time with him. The B19 shows up completely strung out, pin-point pupils, slurring his words, constantly mopping sweat from his brow, and blinking out every five minutes. The G17 seems sober, but only because she just got off work, and because he mother will be honking to pick her up in an hour. I tell my BF that his son can absolutely positively not stay the night in our home. He should have never come over in that condition. I didn't want him around B13 or grandpa like that. But guess what, both of those horrible children staying in my home last night!!!! But not until after leaving around 10:30 and then banging on our door at midnight. I could not believe it! They stayed the night, and in the same bedroom with B13 since grandpa has the guest room.

So here I sit at work. All three of those kids are in my home (the youngest didn't go to school today), with their 80yo grandpa who hasn't seem them in years. I really really really don't want to go home Sad

VAStepMom's picture


You still have a chance. You have not married this man. I see red flags every where.

These kids are out of control. Hopefully, he is no longer supporting them financially.

You must be living in HIS house, because I cannot imagine you would tolerate a drug out teenager in YOUR home.

Seriously, you must be crazy in love with this man to put up with this. But, where are the morals of this man? Why does he subject you, and the 13 year old son to this crazy behavior?

He needs to cut the cord and demand they not show up at the house in anything but a completely sober condition. Period.

Good luck. I feel for you.

starfish's picture

i totally understand where you're coming from, i would probably hate my sd if she lived with dh & i, but since it's only 48% of the time, i do ok with just wishing neither skid existed!


Peaceheart's picture

Bless you Is1988. This is the most horrible situation that has been thrust upon us.
I am an intellient woman. How did I ever allow myself to get into this situation? :jawdrop:

Having said all of there really any solution? Other than walking away? I wish I knew!