I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is SOO stressful. You just feel like, Yeah thats what I REALLY needed to hear right now!! Thanks for rubbing salt in it AND spitting in our face!

Ugh some people thrive on others misery.

Another person posted to me today about taking back control. That (basically) I am giving control up by blaming BM. Its true. I feel so helpless and I get so mad thinking that SHE has more control over ours lives than we do! But if I want to get better and take back control, I have to stop blaming her and everyone else for that matter. I think its not a matter of blaming myself or ourselves, because we both really do take personal responsibility for our faults and actions that had helped lead us here. I am sure you do too, but I think she is right (sorry I can't for the life of me remember the name of the person who posted that to me). I really think blame is irrelevant at this point. Its just so negative and produces no change, no good, nothing constructive. Only makes it worse.

I have decided to concentrate my blame, anger, and negativity to more positive things. Like focusing on our new family. Maybe refocusing on business ideas and training myself in new software, reading books, writing, self help, family, whatever! Any time I start blaming and feeling angry, I need to just STOP and realize its not healthy and its not helping. And then try to maybe do one small positive thing in place of acting out on my negative thoughts....

Maybe this can help you too? Just thought I would share....

Good luck to you too!

No I said I was unemployed for a year. He was unemployed for 2 1/2 yrs. I have been a smoker on and off for years. He was quit when we met. I am the smoker, he is the social smoker. When I started working again and could afford to take a little of my bust my ass on my feet all day money and buy a COUPLE of packs a week between the 2 of us, I did. I was stressed, so kill me! As far as the pot, I haven't bought it in years. It is as prevalent here in FL as anywhere else and dirt cheap so I had friends who were always willing to give me a couple pieces here and there. My husband has only smoked pot 2x in his life, both times he was a freshman in HS. He never cared if I bought a couple packs of smokes or smoked some free pot here and there since it was me working and not him. I have spent maybe a total of $150 in the LAST YEAR on cigs so get off it.

Stop trying to reach for straws here, I am not the horrible person you seem to think I am. I know where we stand in life. We stress and think and plan and talk EVERY DAY about where we are, what we are doing and how to fix our lives. Its not like we are sitting around getting high going WOW that bitch really fucked up our life huh?

I think I need to be more clear. I blame the ex for making things worse. For kicking us when we were down. Spitting in our face when we both care for my SD so much and have sacrificed so much for her. We are a product of this shitty economy NOT bad decisions. We are both college educated in fields that are no longer in demand HERE in our area. As I said before he was offered jobs out of state but he felt he couldn't leave his little girl! Bad decision? Maybe but we thought it was more important to be in her life and be around for her rather than try to deal with an ex who would NOT help us keep a relationship for her if we left the 30 square mile area we live in now. How do I know, as I said before SHE PROVED IT. When we left once before for a few months she NEVER answered the phone or tried to keep an open communication whatsoever.

I resent that you seem to think that we have just put ourselves into this horrible situation. I know we have made some bad decisions, but I also know that if the economy never went south, we would have 10s of thousands in equity in our beautiful home, with 2 cars, 2 dogs, and a white freakin picket fence. So yeah, don't tell me this is all our fault. We NEVER were a SINGLE day behind in CS til we lost our jobs. In fact SD had EVERYTHING she could have possibly wanted including a pink princess room, decked to the ceiling with princess everything, 4 poster bed, big tv, dvd player, her own gamecube, craft table, and a WHOLE WALL of toy bins FILLED with toys. And she was only aged 3-6. I am not saying we loved her cause we bought her stuff I am saying we were fine. We paid for every doctor appointment, bought all school clothes, took her on vacation, and never gave it a 2nd thought! And at a time when we could barely afford to feed ourselves, his ex NEVER said thank you ONCE for everything we did (not that we cared), but then when it really mattered she acted like he had always been a deadbeat dad and he had never done a thing. She still acts this way. It just makes me sick when I think about it all.

Whatever I know who we are and what we have done, I don't know why I feel the need to convince you that we have done everything with SD in mind, and if bad repercussions came from them, then I would do them a thousand times again, because we only had SD's best interest at heart . We didn't do the things other people might have, we have just dealt with it. Just like i will just deal with this.

You're right children DO still cost money. BUT custodial parents have access to public care, to WIC, food stamps, welfare, etc. We didn't have that. She never even got those things, which easily could have if she was as broke as she said she was. SD never went hungry and never needed for anything. Had ex NOT had a great job, a new car every 2 years, a GF (yes like lesbian GF but who cares) who according to SD gave her all kinds of stuff, lived with her parents, etc etc then we WOULD have made different choices. Like I said a couple times, we could have left state so husband could take job offers, but he felt it was more important to have relationship with his daughter. Ex made it clear she would not help us have a relationship with her when we left state for a few months for a job opp. So we came back.

As far as how we will support our own child, I am on WIC and medicaid atm, and husband is trying to go back to school if he can get scholarships. We hope to move if he can get a promotion at his job, which they promised when he got hired but we shall see. I have a decent job which I also hope to get some more money from on my 1 yr anniv which is a mo after the baby is born. We do have some ppl coming out of the woodwork who have offered to give us their old crib, stroller, toys, etc. I even had a co-worker who's mom works for an agency that helps needy moms and he already gave me a whole suitcase full of clothes, blankets, etc. I plan to breastfeed which will mean we won't have formula expense. Lots of ppl on CL have cheap stuff we can get and there are all kinds of thrift shops and church sales and stuff we can get the rest. The only really big expense that I HOPE we will have in the first few mo / year or so is daycare and diapers. I mean correct me if I'm wrong....I mean I make her food for free, got clothes and medical care for free, found a county daycare that is on a sliding pay scale, and have family, in-law, friends and co-workers who will help us with some of the other stuff we can't afford.....I mean yes I know they grow like weeds and will need lots and lots of stuff and I can't breastfeed forever, but you know sometimes you just have to plan as best as you can, do what you can, make the best out of a bad situation, let some time pass, and work on making our lives better, and hopefully within a couple of years things WILL be better for ALL of us.

Wow I really like #1 it rings very true. And I like the breathing techniques too really sounds like it would help focus my energy on something else. Thanks for your input.

Glad to hear there are others in my situation (with BM being so self centered) No thats wrong I am NOT glad. It just plain sucks. But it helps me to realize we are not alone, there are a lot of shitty people in this world and a lot of good people in this world just struggling to avoid the shit people are trying to throw in their way....

Unfortunately I have been the breadwinner since we both lost our good jobs. I have always worked in accounting, but I was specifically working in construction accounting, so it has been a little difficult to make the transition to other industries. But I did finally manage to land an office manager / bookkeeping position. It doesn't pay that great, but it is enough to pay our bills if we stick to our budget. If either of us is going to go to school its going to be him, I actually applied for fin aid a few months back (before I found out I was preg) and was told I would have to pay in 8K per year before I would be eligible for federal assistance. I know thats not the only option out there, but it really does make more sense to have him trained in a field that is more in demand than construction or audio engineering. Like computers which he has a natural aptitude for. We are working on scholarships and loans for him, but he already had loans from the first time he went to school so they told us it would be hard to get this time around. But we have not given it up. We are hoping that if he gets a promotion at his current job and I get a raise on my 1 yr anniversary that we might just might be able to get him back into school. (and yes to anyone saying oh what about CS?? now that he is working CS is getting paid again including arrears, in fact it is automatically deducted from his check. And now he basically makes around $3 per hour after CS & taxes are deducted. He also has a 2nd job doing training / sales on a project basis and every penny he makes from that goes to CS arrears, when he does actually work. That was his "main income" for while but it was so sporadic that we basically considered him unemployed.

Wow that really hit home about taking control back. You're absolutely right. Blaming others no matter if it is or isn't their fault does NOTHING. Just makes me wallow in my misery. It actually gives BM the control doesn't it? Whether she realizes it or not. But sometimes I really feel this way though! Like she is in control of my families future, of my baby's well being. How do I reconcile that? I have to take back emotional control of my life and my family.

No hubby will go to get trained in a new career IF he can get scholarships. I couldn't possibly manage going back to school now - you're right WAYY too much extra stress. We're thinking maybe spring semester or summer semester (of 2011) for him so long as things fall into place. No way we could afford it.

Sigh yes maybe a long time, but yes it can't last forever can it? I just want to learn how to cope with the stress better in the meantime...

First I have to say, he IS working finally. I swear for a long time I thought he just wasn't trying hard enough, but then he showed me proof that he was looking, and I couldn't believe that one person could possibly have worse luck than he has had! I swear to you my nickname for him has for YEARS been Eyore, cuz he just has this black cloud that follows him and rains on him every time he ALMOST gets something going good for himself. He is also very entrepreneurial and has devised more than one really good business plan but can't get investors to back him....sigh. While he was unemployed he LITERALLY applied at hundreds (no NOT exaggerating, I even helped him apply!) of places - including mcdonalds, home depot, walmart, sams club, gas stations, every freaking store in the mall, and more than I could ever possibly list. NO ONE would give him a chance. He doesn't have a single shred of experience doing any sort of retail, cooking, cashier, office work etc. All construction & audio - 2 VERY specific careers. Also he is a computer hobbyist, you know Linux, Mac, etc. and he tried and tried to get jobs with computers, but with no degree, again no real chance. Esp with several colleges in the area with college aged kids being given jobs over him because he is "over qualified" in many peoples mind, I don't know why when he doesn't have any experience, but whatever....

He FINALLY landed a shit computer repair job making minimum wage where he is on his feet all day and literally cannot walk or get out of bed some days, but still somehow manages to go cry his pain away in the shower (he thinks I don't know that), put his back brace on, deal with his ruptures, herniations, degenerative disc disease, arthritis, bone spurs, and extensive nerve damage and face the day every day. Where he gets the strength from, I have NO idea. I think he just remembers how much it means to me and SD and bears it. I massage his back and legs almost every night while he grinds his teeth to keep from crying out in pain, which happens from time to time anyway and I fight my urge to cry that he has to deal with this shit. And basically making $3 an hour on top of it after CS & taxes....I would have just lost my mind and probably gone to a psych ward, so he is a much stronger person than I am and honestly than most people I know.

If I thought for a moment when he was unemployed that he was just not looking hard enough or giving excuses because of his pain, then it was all wiped away when I started to see the physical pain he endures 24 hours a day working at this job. These are the things that make me so angry, because he is such a wonderful kind giving person so sweet and loving, and he does NOT deserve to go through this....

OK so besides that, when I read what you said about being afraid, I almost burst out in tears. You're absolutely right. I am terrified. I want so badly, no we both want SOOOO badly to take care of this baby AND SD. I am very afraid of what might happen. I live in constant fear that the nerve damage will get so bad that he won't be able to stand soon, I see his legs buckling sometimes and I am so afraid he will be in a wheelchair soon. His health is in shambles on top of our financial issues.

Oh did I mention I have rheumatoid arthritis? That I have a cane that I use some nights when I can barely walk around the house myself? I have more heating pads, medical wraps, icy hot, ice packs, and bottles of anti-inflammatories, advil, acetaminophen (that I can't take anymore, oh boy loving the preg for that!), to last a lifetime! Yes its awesome. I especially love it when SD asks me to play with her at the playground or just wants to go for a walk, and both of us just sit there tearing our hearts out telling her we hurt too much to play...how the FUCK are we gonna chase after a toddler? Sometimes I wonder if keeping this baby was the right choice just because of our health issues alone. But then I can't imagine having an abortion! (I mean its all too late anyhow so the point is moot, but still...) I can't imagine have killing this innocent baby because we fucked up, because we have financial and health problems. How is that right? Maybe it would have been better for her....I don't know....

Lol (in that shaking my head all bitter no sweet, what can you do but laugh)...I wonder how many people are wondering how much of what I have shared is true. I have no reason to lie to a bunch of stranger. I don't need sympathy I really don't. In fact it bothers me when people at my work ask whats wrong or can they help me with something....I don't know why I guess its just pride. But I swear we could write a book on misery! We don't feel sorry for ourselves though, we just constantly look for ways out....we always talk and try to hope and plan and try to figure out what tomorrow holds....

And yes I am on medicaid so I am getting prenatal care. In fact medicaid will allow me to deliver at one of the best baby hospitals in the state! I am also on WIC and I mentioned before but I guess it got deleted since it was a response, that I quit smoking, started eating really healthy, and take prenatals every day. I also TRY to take walks and swim during free open swim time at the local pool. When I CAN walk that is....

I am taking good care of my body and hopefully in turn, my soon to be daughter.

Zero to armagedon lmao I am going to use that!

You're right, my SD, my daughter, she used to call me mommy....tears.....she used to tell us how much she wanted to live with us...how what we said made so much more sense than what her mommy said....but young children are very easily influenced and its easy for her to become confused and feel soooo much for all of us. Her mom included. She is a bright, empathetic, sweet, understanding, LOVING little girl. And we talked today and she told me how sad she was that I get so angry at her sometimes and that its so hard for her to talk to me about it. That she's just a kid and she doesn't always know the right thing to say....I absolutely lost it I just grabbed her and wept with her in my arms and she cried and rubbed my back empathetically and wiped my tears from my face. God it broke my heart! How can children be so young at one moment and turn around and act so mature and so amazing the next? I was at an absolute loss for words except to tell her how sorry I was. It was a real bonding moment.....but it will mean nothing if I don't act on it. I can tell her all day how sorry I am and how much I love her, but if I can't DO what I tell her I intend to do and really try, no not try, actually do it, then how can I instill any trust in my relationship with her? Oh it eats me alive, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have finally admitted all this to myself, to my husband, to her to some extent, and now to come here and talk to all of you. Some moments I feel more confused and more sad and more stressed, but more moments than not it is strengthening my will and my desire to get better.

Not reacting. Wow that is a good concept! In theory it seems very logical but in practice seems like it might be very difficult for me to just do. Just to not react. You're right though, if I understand what you're saying....stopping to analyze what is being said, the tone of voice, the emotions behind it. Why SD would say the things she says. I mean I know I am not alone in feeling like she has really become very smart mouth and talks back WAYY too much - hubby AND ex both have talked to her about it and SD is aware that it is an issue. Its just that I am the only one reacting so negatively. I will have to think about that concept more....

LOL thanks - I get very defensive and protective. I am fiercely loyal and devoted to my family and have dealt with a lot of negative coming at me, my husband, my family throughout my life. So I guess I am just used to be on the defense all the time. Its also easier for me to write what I feel than to say it.

Which reminds me - I can't believe you all actually read my really super long posts! My hubby always makes fun of me for "writing novels" when I am writing emails and stuff like that...

Thank you for posting. I appreciate your thoughts.