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It is always like I am a non-entidiy in my own home.

Peaceheart's picture

Would anyone have any advice on how to address this issue.....

The last time that my adult SS came to my house to stay for the weekend, he took it upon himself to invite his sister to also stay at our home.(Without consulting us) The issue here is that the 'sister' has stolen from me. Lied to me and about me.....mostly the stuff that most of us have had to deal with from our step children. She was living with us but could not found her fathers rules and left. The bottom line is that SHE and I did not get along.

At the time that SS invited SD, without asking us first, I was pretty mad. SS approached me after and in fact appoligised to me for doing this.
SD is coming again to stay here for 5 days and I am pretty uptight that he is once again going to invited his sister to stay at my house while he is here. How would you deal with this. It is 4am and I am already REALLY upset that my boundaires are going to be brushed aside again. Would you say anything to the SS if he invites SD to stay. Husband will just get mad at me if I said anything to him.

Thank you for any advice.

VioletsareBlue's picture

I don't think you have to be gentle about it. I think you tell him that he is invited but you cannot have a seconed person in your house coming to stay with you. If she shows up at the door then you need to let her know that you weren't expecting her, you do not have accommodations for her and that you will get her AND HIM the phone book so that may find a hotel.

Auteur's picture

I think Maux put it very accurately when she said that we turn into:

"The ghost that orders pizza"

frustratedstepdad's picture

I have used to have that feeling too. I felt like an outcast in my own home....that is until I started speaking up. One stepdaughter who has stolen from us, smoked weed at our house, and screwed guys in our bed while we were away on our honeymoon...she is no longer welcome at our house unless on of us is there. Your feelings and emotional well-being is just as important as anybody elses. Nothing will drive you crazier than feeling like you are not respected in your own home. You don't have to be polite about it at all, as you were already polite to him once. If he invites his sister again, just tell them that they both can leave.

dbk519's picture

I totally understand.... I am trying to get my husband to value OUR relationship first... He is married to me not his children. I really have been trying to talk to DH to communicate my frustrations and feelings and opinions. Trying to put responsibility for communicating OUR values and wishes with his children and not me. Peaceheart, does your husband support you and your wishes? If so, I suggest letting him do the talking otherwise you will always be the bad guy and to blame... :?

frustratedstepdad's picture

These bio-parents have to start learning to put the relationship first, and to put their foot down when its required. Having to be the bad guy sucks all the time, but sometimes it is necessary.

sandye21's picture

"Husband will just get mad at me if I said anything to him." Does he know this is HIS fault for not asking his kids to respect you in your home? dbk519 is right - you deserve it and it is his responsibility to set boundaries with his children just as it is your responsiblity to do so with your family if they are rude to him. As in my case, it is a heck of a lot easier to get mad at me than risk anger and rejection from Skids. When I marreid DH I had VERY low self-esteem so I could be easily manipulated into accepting blame for something I did not do. I was 'invisible' every time SD and her husband 'visited' - or they were sadistically rude, lazy, and cheap. The last fiasco was the straw that broke the camel's back. They are no longer allowed in our home. I have informed DH if they are to return they will have to accept that they are to be respectful of his wife.

Auteur's picture

"He is married to me not his children."

Good luck on getting most guilty biodads who are in direct fire from the CP PASinator BMs to see that one.

Peaceheart's picture

UPDATE:

I just phoned my SS inviting him to a BBQ at another family members house on Saturday. He informs me that HE decided to come tomorrow (Friday)instead of Saturday plus that DH had told him that he could leave 5 year old Grandson with us for 11 days!!!!! Not once was this discussed with me. Goes back to my orginally statement on being a non-entity in my own home!!!!WTF.

A little more to the story...I live in Canada and my dad came over here from England to visit for two weeks. He is 80 years old, so the chances that I will ever get to see him again are pretty slim. He is going home in 7 days time so I would really like to be spending time with him instead of babysitting frankly. It was DH that told me to get my dad over here for a visit (I had not seen him for 17 years) and at that time I had said that I was not going to get any of our 4 grandboobies for any length of time during his visit. Do not get me wrong I WANT our children and grandchildren to be visiting with my dad also but just not for the parents to go home and leave the grandchildren here for us to look after them!

Again, I am just seething mad! DH is outside at present and I want to go and tear a strip off of him!!!!!!!!!!!

overit2's picture

Do it-call SS back and say-since I was not previously consulted abuot the grandchild-I regret to inform you that I can't do it this time, I have previous obligations.

How f'in selfish can these guys be??? This is your dad you haven't seen all this time and get to enjoy and as you said-you don't know how much time you have. I would NOT wait for your Dh to fix it. Make the call, cancel the "grandsitting" and then INFORM your DH w/the same courtesy he gave you. In other words-say nothing. Let his son call him whining.

You can be firm and say-look, I have a lifetime to care/babysit for my grandkids...but not full 11 days and not when I'm enjoying my father. FIGHT BACK with all you have!!! Don't let this happen to you!

overit2's picture

Honestly, don't know how tight your finances are....but after you INFORM SS you will NOT be having grandson over, that you want to cut HIS visit short (to 24-48hrs max)...and then if they try to pull one on you...take your dad, book a cabin somewhere and go have some quality time with your father. You may not have another chance. How incredibly selfish and rude!!

frustratedstepdad's picture

Do NOT babysit. Not even for one minute. Since you were not asked if you would be able to do it, let the kid come over and then REFUSE to help out. Do not lift one single finger. Go and spend time with your dad. I guarantee the DH will then think twice before he ever does that again. I am in the same boat. My wife is always agreeing to watch our SD21's kid so she can go out and do stuff at night, and I refuse to help out anymore.

Peaceheart's picture

Thank you all so much for your advice.

I did go out and ask to talk to DH privately. I tried to stay calm and explain how I felt using 'I' terms. It did not take very long for DH to turn the tables on me by accusing me of expecting him to ask my permission to TALK to his son. Of course this is not what I expect but I do expect to be consulted BEFORE any concret arrangements are made regarding who and what and for how long company comes to our home. I do not think that I am being unreasonable here.

Of course, I now feel like the 'BAD GUY' just like frusratedstepdad suggested. It really is a lose lose situation isn't it. Frankly I give us no more than 6 months before this house of cards fall. I do not feel like sustaining a unhappy relationship any more. It truly feels like pushing water uphill sometimes.

dbk519's picture

I put it to my DH... Do you really want to lose me????? I don't believe that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Are you choosing your son over me? You are married to ME. Thank God he heard me.... for now anyway we are talking.... I think your best bet would be to go on about your life, spend time with your Dad, and let your DH handle the grandchild on his own... he made the decision... it is his responsibility. :?

Peaceheart's picture

So I was in the bedroom and DH cell phone rings....it is SS. By the answers that DH was giving the questions were probably ....
SS Q. Is it still okay if we come tomorrow.
DH A. Yes of course it is.

SS Q. Linda said that you guys had plans.
DH A. NO...no, I really do not have anything in stone and NOTHING that I can not put off to hang with my grandson.

So if I did not know before where I stood...I do now. :sick:
You know, I thought that once the Skids grew up that all the problems would be done but apparently not. We are just going to go through the next genaration. :O

I have to wonder what part of me thinks that I do not deserve better?

dbk519's picture

I am reading a book ( an almost finished )Why Is It Always About You? It is about Narcissists. It has helped me to better understand DH reactions and relationship with SS. They are intertwined with each other feeding each other's narcissistic needs. It is classic co-dependance. I was at a point where I was ready to end my marriage.... I felt soooo bad and I was just speaking up to be treated the way I thought I deserved (know I deserve), but that just made me more the bad guy because Narcissists interpret this at being attacked.... The book helped me understand, deal and communicate. It might help you. Dirol

Peaceheart's picture

dbk519

Thank you so much for the advice. I shall order the book. Do you happen to remember the authors name?
Thank you

Linda

sandye21's picture

On Amazon you can read excerpts from the book. Now I definitely getting it! Thanks for the recommendation.

Peaceheart's picture

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LEFT THE COMPUTOR OPEN AND DH READ THIS WHOLE THING.

Tmoore's picture

lol...so what...if my dh husband asks me about this site, I tell him I need a place to vent and get support and becasue he does very little in both of those departments when it comes to the skids, I have no shame in comming to this site. And point out where it helps him...he doesnt need to hear every detail you share with us and it help him not always feel "put in the middle" of the the drama. And it really does help you be a better wife.

Peaceheart's picture

Tmoore, good sound advice! Smile Unfortunately we HAVE had a huge fight about this. He was put in the middle as he created it AND he has a violent temper and this is DIFFERENTLY over his boundaries. I have all this company here at present but I KNOW that it will be brought up as soon as I am alone....

I am not too sure how much he read but it was not until Grandson said....Papa what are you reading, that I clued in.

Tmoore's picture

I am sorry to hear that and I do understand, my DH while not violent can overreact to stuff so I do feel your pain, is there any chance at all when he read this he may have caught on to your frustration in this situation?

oneoffour's picture

When I offer to watch my grand daughter I am watching her, not DH.
If I need to go out to the store or pick something up I ALWAYS ask if he minds watching her. He says he doesn't mind always but i atill always ask.

Just tell your DH that he is welcome to have HIS grandson to stay.

dbk519's picture

Peaceheart,
Stay calm. ASK him questions... what is it that bothers you? etc. Ask, ask, ask... get him to talk. Maybe it is a good thing that will help the conversation. If DH doesn't want you to have friends or contact with anyone... that is a BAD thing. Remember he will feel like you have slandered his character... he thinks it is all about him, not you. Be safe and don't feed into his anger. If he is explosive you can always say I want to talk about this, but we need to do it when you are calm or it won't be a conversation. It might be good to realize that the frustrations you feel are not unique to your situation, too. Good luck.
and DH, if you are reading this.... You get your priorities straight... Relationship with God first and your WIFE second. Peace and LOVE.

LizzieA's picture

How he reacted is classic turn the situation to what you supposedly are doing wrong instead of addressing the issue. Very immature. Your concerns are reasonable. He shouldn't invite people to stay without discussing it with you. End of story. And how hard is that to do? I guess someone is right, he can't say no to his son. I'm also concerned about his temper. Sounds like my ex. That was a bad marriage and I'm glad to be out of it.