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Tm's picture

Maybe it's time for me to disengage from anything having to do with SS17, I can't handle it and honestly my main concern is my husband and my two younger kids. My husband is doing what needs to be done and isn't enabling any behavior but I think for my sanity I need to step back. It might be hard to keep my mouth shut but it may be what's best. I feel as though this is his mother and fathers problem not mine. And my husband will be leaving for a month for work in August of next year and I told him flat out that SS17 will have to leave because I will not take on that alone. He may end up leaving before then because we have set standards he must follow and is failing miserably. He just got his grades back and of course all bad. He also got written up today and still has no job. I think it's time to shut it all out and wipe my hands clean. If I can just get through the next 7 months that would be great lol. I took for granted how peaceful our home was and I want it back. Any tips on disengagement and is it the right thing to do?

JRI's picture

Yes, I think disengagement is the right step for you.  I did it when YSS was about 15 for similar reasons.  If your DH is doing what needs to be done, that's enough.  It's more than my DH was doing but that changed once I stepped back.

It felt like a failure on my part then but DH, YSS and I all seemed relieved.  I stopped driving him around, stopped going to school about his behavior, just stopped my interaction.  I still cooked for the family so he ate unless he chose to eat fast food (frequently).   I didnt do anything negative, I just stopped interacting.

YSS is a 55yo divorced father of 3 now.  He's a good father and excellent salesman.  We have a polite relationship and will never be close but we have a workable relationship.  Thats the best I could do here but its ok.

Tm's picture

I think it's best for all involved. I'm not mean or nasty I just simply don't say anything and I will not be involved with anything to do with his issues. 

Harry's picture

Since it's has no effect on SS. He's NOT doing what he needs to do,  he's doing nothing.  You are getting the all the blow back.   SS is not living up to his part of the agreement.  He must move out 

Mila851's picture

For your own sanity I think you need to. I did this with my SS16 a couple of years ago because I was on the verge of breakdown. His behaviour has always fallen far short of the mark and in this instance his father has put his head in the sand and allowed him to terrorise and dominate the family. 

Disengaging took time and practice. I stopped getting frustrated and mad and would just shut down. I stopped picking up after him, kept engagement civil and necessary only and made sure myself and my LO were out as much as possible. Not ideal but the impact on my mental health was so worth it. I was more relaxed and less stressed. It's just takes time to shrug when you want to scream.

You're right, it's for his BM and BD to figure out. The rubbish part of being a step parent is you have to suffer it!! Genuinely wish you the best of luck 

Tm's picture

Thank you it's not been easy but I think this disengagement has been what I needed all along. It's getting to the point where I'm no longer surprised by something he does and I'm less reactive.