When a kid makes a statement like that.. as a parent.. you would definitely not ignore it and hope for the best would you?  He is nearly an adult.. and he needs to understand that the status quo is not going to go on forever and the gravy train will reach it's end station.. and he will be forced to disembark.. whether he is ready or not.

That statement should have been an opening for his parents to talk to him about his future.. near term and long term.  Is college something he is interested in pursuing... a trade?  Is he ready to go off to college?  or would he need to go to Community College or a local trade school?  They should be talking about therapy.. and the guidance counselor at school.. to figure out what areas he needs to develop.  

I don't think it's super unusual for a 17 yo to be a little bit uncomfortable and not feel ready to tackle the world.. He could also be depressed.. which has similar symptoms to laziness too.  But.. hearing that lots of people have insecurities but you have to work through them..

He may be a bit delayed due to mom's coddling.. and honestly.. he may NOT be ready at 18 to bust out of the door.. and probably trying to shift him back to mom (who may have had a hand in his issues).. would just further allow him to stay stuck in this lack of development place.

Another option could be military service.. they will certainly push him to mature and expand his horizons.. and it could be self fulfilling to accomplish it. (plus money for college maybe or training?)

Again the bottom line is that the statement can't be ignored.. just saying that doesn't earn him a spot on the couch.. it earns him some work on self development to make a plan to be an adult.

When my SD(22.5) turned 18, BM dropped her off on our doorstep. 18 years of fighting for CS and when that was coming to an end, she washed her hands of her. I was left with a immature, lazy, occasionally disrespectful, lying adult with nowhere to go. We tried the military route... she sabotaged it and washed out of boot camp. We tried the job route... she sabotaged it by being lazy and the "fired" her by giving her less and less hours. She did go to college but was so far behind academically, it's taken her years to catch up (and she's still taking remedial courses). In the end we nearly divorced over it all and she was sent back to FL to live with her ex stepdad (she didn't want to live with BM as they didn't get along now that both were trying to leech off each other). Ex stepdad is a saint of a man for taking her for a few months (eventually he started forcing her out too) until she found a boyfriend and moved in with him and his family. 

What ever the outcome of DH knowing. Your will not have a man child living with you. Is better then him living with you.  It's DH failt for DS being like he is.  Not your fault he's a losers 

What ever the outcome of DH knowing. Your will not have a man child living with you. Is better then him living with you.  It's DH failt for DS being like he is.  Not your fault he's a losers 

Sounds like it is time to meet some recruiters! I would make sure he knows that he has options in life: College full time, college part time and work part time pay rent, full time work and pay rent if he wants to live at home, or the military. 

Those are the choices and he needs to choose one. If he chooses to work and stay home, he will be presented with a lease upon graduation. It will be renewed every 6 months. If he can't keep the terms of the lease, he will be evicted. 

Im terrified that she will call Husband again and ask to move in, again. It will never end. Im terrified that she will concot a situation so dire we will be forced to house her ungrateful, lazy, rude, mean, disgusting self because no one else will. Right now shes with husbands older brothers family - wife, and 3 children (who are basically adults) . Older brother and "wife" divorced so they can get the newly built low -income housing, and older brother is a complete grifter - gambles, steals, and cheats. SO. This was right before christmas, Im expecting it to blow up soon.

I feel for you.  I had a 21 yo manchild and it was terrible (I left). 

This is a DH problem.  SS's behavior is direct result of sh&tty parenting from both parents.  I would have DH reiterate to his son that he is expected to move out in April.  Period.  No negotiation. 

I personally feel that your SS's comments about "not being ready" for the real world is a manipulation tactic, as is saying "there's better opportunity here."  SS is trying to carve out an excuse to live with you all and do nothing.  My ex manchild would do the same thing and it was only to get sympathy from his daddy so his daddy would expect nothing from him.  My ex manchild would talk about wanting to be an engineer, etc, then in the same breath he is lying about why he can't find a job (mysteriously the hiring managers wouldn't return his phone calls?), he's up all night getting high, eating, playing video games, sleeping all day and doing nothing to pick up after himself.  So words mean sh&t.  Actions carry far more weight. 

I would suggest a serious conversation with DH about that the plan is for SS to move out in April.  Period.  If DH waffles or changes his mind and wants to let his son stay, then expectations must be in place for school and work.  In my opinion, if he doesn't want to attend college/tech school or if he starts an education and then drops/flunks out, then he needs to get a full time job and move out in 6 months or he can join the military as another poster suggested.  I wouldn't allow him to pay rent and live with you even with a lease because that gives him a power position in your home ("I can do what I want, I pay rent here!").

Also, DH needs to discuss SS's disgusting hygiene habits.  Immediately.  I would come unglued if I found boogers all over the walls... OMG.

Hang in there, please keep us posted.  Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself even if DH gets mad.  You have a right to peace and comfort in your own home. 

launch issue.  Though his lasted less than a year.

He graduated from HS at 17.  He was not ready for college. After a year+ of us guiding, advising, etc... during his Jr. year of HS and through most of his Sr. year he finally sat us down and told us that he understood that he needed to go to college, that he knew it was important, and that he would get his college education. Though he was not ready nor was he capable of buckling down and being a successful college student. It would be a waste of our money and his time.

Though it was frustrating at the time, I/we are proud that he was self aware enough to have that clarity about himself and we had a close enought relationship (his mom, SS, and me) that he could share that self awareness with us.

We told him if he intended to live at home he had to be a full time student in good standing with his school, working full time, or part time for both.  Nope, he wanted none of the above.  His intent was to be a professional sofa rodeo rider and continuously keep our sofa and the rest of our furniture firmly under control.

So, we introduced him to a life as our live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch.  We worked that kid's ass off.

He had 8 solid hours chores that he had to complete during the normal work day while his mom and I were at work, then when we got home he had to prepare the meal then clean it all up. If he got it all done he could stay and do it all again the next day.  On weekends  he still had to do all of the cooking and clean up though the chore list from hell he only had to do M-F during normal work hours.

If he failed to get it all done, we left him on the curb the next AM when we went to work. Where he went and what he did was his problem.  When we got home, if he was still there, he could enter the house with us and cook and clean up dinner. Then ... he had do get the missed chores completed not only for the day before but also the chores he missed while sitting on our front curb. And he had to do it all night without waking us up. If he got it all done, he had to get the next day done before we got home.

He only tested us twice. Once in August when it was hot. Once in late Nov when it was cold.  Shortly after the second incident he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program.  He reported to BMT 4mos later. To remain a resident in our home, he had to do his chore list daily from the time he signed his enlistment papers until he reported for Basic.

The key to launching a hesitant young adult Skid, or any flavor of kid for that matter, is a burning platform. Take away all enjoyment in their lifes, keep the fire going delivering a state of escalating abject misery, and cheer them n when they jump.

SS is now 30, approaching his 12 service anniversary in the USAF, has 4 years left on his current commitment, and will completed at least 20 years of service then retire somewhere between age 38-early 40s.

His mom and I are very proud of him.

Light the fire, scorch your lazy SS's backside, and get him into his adult life. His choices are not your problems to solve nor are they your DH's. However, his lazy presence cannot and should not be tolerated.

IMHO of course.

They can launch or not. Either way, they go.

Parents who raise shit and tolerate shit need to be single..... forever.  No one should patner with a non viable failed adult who continues to propegate their own failures by facilitating multigeneration failure.

By tolerating it in a partner, we are supporting it.

Nope.

Make it very clear to DH now that you will not tolerate this skid staying beyond his alloted time at your house. Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that its him or you. Then keep your word. Start saving up and leave. 

Make sure he has the local Military recruiter office on speed dial. For all branches.

This is what we did with my SS-30.  He graduated HS at 17.  Went on his final SpermLand visitation under the CO.  At the end of that summer her turned 18.  The next day, he became our house boy.  We worked that kid's ass off.

4mos later he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. 4mos after that he reported for BMT.  A month ago, he reached his 12 year service anniversary. He has 3 more years on his current obligation.  His plan is to compete 20yrs (at least) and retire.  He went in at 18 and will quality for full retirement a few months before his 39th B-day.  He will retire about the same time I do, though nearly 30 years younger then I will.

SS could have gone to university anywhere he could get accepted. On the mom and dad full meal deal scholarship.  He was mature and self aware enough to know that he was not ready to put in the effort and that "it would be a waste of (his) time and (our) money".  So, we worked his butt off, made him realize that sofa rodeo rider was not a career, worked him hard cleaning, painting, cooking cleaning, polishing, lather, rinse, repeat and ... he launched.

Quit playing games, make his life an escalating state of abject misery, and get him out. One way, or the other.