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Dealing with disrespectful stepson

Rioshred's picture

I guess I'm here to see how others cope with these types of situations. My situation is pretty unique and I've remained optimistic that I chose the best husband and his kids are another opportunity for me to love and influence positively. To give a full background, I'm 30, my husband is 43. His son is 16 and his daughter is 23. We have been together for 7 years, married for 2. I was raised in a household where my brother is 14 years older and my sister is 12 years older, so I'd like to think that maturity and being with folks that are older is part of my upbringing.

Anyway, to give you the Reader's Digest version, four years ago after my stepson was living with us, his mom wasn't having it and caused a lot of emotional torment and pain for both kids. She told them we were devils and she was going to commit suicide if he didn't go live with her, etc. She's a real nut job. She even threatened to kill me in front of him when he was 10. We spent $20,000 fighting for him through attorneys and what-not, but in the end, her brainwashing worked and so she won.

She has since regretted it as she actually has to parent and provide for him (which she does the bare minimum and always has him asking me for help on his schoolwork and different things, asking us for more child support, etc. She gets $1,000/month in child support and their son has 1 pair of decent shoes. I digress). Long story short, he's with us for the summer. He likes being with us because we do things as a family, cook and have meals and we are fun. He hates all the rules though and she allows him to talk back to her so he thinks he can do that with me. We have gone round and round and quite frankly, I am just exhausted. He is so disrespectful, I kinda want to punch him. My husband always does a good job of laying down the law and I back him up no matter what. However, this kid hasn't ever had that so he always thinks we are ganging up on him. I'm starting to resent him and his mom because my husband told me the other day he doesn't want to have any other kids. That wasn't the case when we got married. I feel like I'm being robbed of something I am designed to do and I've dealt with 7 years of crap and helping raise both kids that now I'm just feeling super sad. I realize that maybe my husband's attitude will change after this summer and his son has returned back with his mom. But what do I do? I don't want to leave. I love him. I chose this life because, despite all the drama with the ex-wife, my husband is an amazing guy. He is an amazing dad and their daughter is a primary example of his parenting. She is now in DPT school, married, and very independent and successful. I feel like I'm being punished for loving a family by choice. 

Any thoughts on how to go about that? 

Thanks in advance! 

Survivingstephell's picture

You remind him that any child you have with him will NOT have batshit crazy BM's DNA.  Your child will not be parented by batshit crazy.  He is changing the rules in your relationship and that needs to be discussed deeply and honestly and probably with a therapist as a referee.  

Any parent will tell you that any challenging time your kid gives you makes you envious of a child free life.  We all do it on rough days.   Anyone who denies it is lying! LOL   

Your husband needs to make it clear to SS that you two are married, therefore a unit and He makes the rules that you support and back up.  That's not ganging up on, that's how a family works with a married couple.  The adults make the rules (they pay the bills) and the kids follow them.  It's not the other way around like at his mother's house.  

I had skids that we had to explain that line of separation all the time.  Exhausting and in my mind totally unnecessary.  That was until I found this place and found out that blended family situations rules by crazy, it is totally necessary to remind of those boundaries often.  Teenagers generally push the limits until an ultimatum is issued: follow the rules here or don't come back.  BTDT too. 

Get thru the summer, send SS back to his mother and then revisit this.  This might have just been a "heat of the moment" comment.  

Rioshred's picture

Thanks so much. This really means a lot. I think you're right. I think that because it's a day in and day out frustration right now my husband's emotions are elevated. I appreciate your thoughts so much, especially the part on changing the rules. You are spot on.