Daughter wants to move to DH's
I'm so glad I found this place. I'm not sure where to start... divorced 5 years ago, 3 kids- D-15, S-11, & S-17. 2nd marriage about 8 months ago. My daughter(15) has always been stubborn & slightly defiant. She talks back etc. Since I remarried she has been worse. I feel that she is trying to break up my marriage because she is jealous of my husband and my SS-8. I also have a SS-14. She says I don't care about her that she hates my husband, etc. etc. She now wants to go live with her Bio dad. I think I should let her. I've actually been a little concerned when we leave her home alone with ss-8. SS-8 has a behavior problem and may be ADHD. My husband refuses to think so but that is besides the point right now... my daughter will scream in SS-8 face, tell him he's a brat, that she hates him, and other terrible things. Saturday night she threw a drama production for over an hour because she wanted me to do something for her that she was capable of doing. We were all planning to watch a movie together and she wanted something in the kitchen and I refused to get it for her... she was out there and very capable of doing it.
Her father said he'll take her and I think I should let her go but I feel that if I do, she's going to resent me more because she's going to say "I let her leave and that I don't care". I feel terrible about even considering letting her go.
This is so tough. My teenage
This is so tough. My teenage daughter did the same thing to me but it was before I remarried; it was when I was on my own with her and my son and going through divorce. She made my life so hellish I had no choice but to let her "move in" (as opposed to go every other weekend) with her dad and it broke my heart.
Guess what? It lasted less than 6 weeks. That was a few years back and she's grown out of that horrible phase and now we have a good relationship again. In end the end she wanted to come back home to her mother.
I would let her go; she will be back if you started out with a good relationship with her until she became an hateful teenage alien-girl (weird how that happens huh).
I hope this helps or somehow makes you feel better. There's not much worse than an out of control, hateful teenage daughter but mine is proof they do come out of it!
Thanks, whatever happens
Thanks, whatever happens won't be easy. I just don't want to feel like I'm giving up on her. She's wanted to move in with him before and I kind of talked her out of it. I'm not doing that this time. Her bio-brothers are having a hard time with this. They feel like a part of them is leaving if she leaves. And how they feel of course tears at my heart too. The whole house has an atmosphere of tragedy.
One thing I didn't mention was that she's been having hormonal imbalances including a high testosterone level and a low estrogen level. She just started medicine a few weeks ago. The medicine can take awhile to work. Her levels are being checked again in June. From what I understand, this can cause aggression in a female. I'm hoping the treatment helps with her aggressiveness too.
I would let her go if her BD
I would let her go if her BD is willing to have her. As Vera3 said, it may not last long and she will be back before you know it. Even if this is not the case, it may give her a different perspective on the family situation and the relationships may change for the better.
My son recently wanted to
My son recently wanted to move in with his dad. After much discussion he broke down crying saying how hard this whole blended family situation is. He hates going back and forth between two homes. He was also missing alone time with his dad but realized that moving there wouldn't actually give him that (as he is repartnered). Also his dad didn't make it easy to come back and let him know there would be rules, etc just like being here. So he is still here for the moment but I am really sticking to boundaries with him, not allowing rudeness, etc. and listening to his feelings.
He seems better for the moment.
It's a hard decision and at this age, kids should have a say, so long as it's for the right reasons. Sounds like your daughter would benefit from some counselling (my son went to counselling too) and got out a lot of his feelings.
I hope that helps.
I decided that if I let her
I decided that if I let her go, I probably won't let her back. Not without counseling with me, my husband & all the kids. And the counseling will have to be over a long amount of time. I realized this morning how manipulating she has been to the whole family. When she starts demanding things, someone usually gives in because they get tired of listening to her. She purposelly tries to antagonize us to get a reaction. She used to have a hard time(emotional) mornings and I would help her as much as I could. Getting her clothes, etc. She'd miss the bus & I'd drive her to school because it was kind of on my way to work. Well, she'd still take her time & make me later for work. Luckily my job is flexible about my arrival time but she still manipulated me. She knew I was going to make sure she got to school. She refuses to clean her room, refuses to pick up dirty laundry & refuses to learn to wash clothes. Then flips out when she has no clean clothes. When we went thru the divorce I lightened up on discipline because the kids were hurting. My boys didn't take advantage and are very pleasant compliant kids. She seemed to play the victim & learned to take advantage of things.
I wouldn't let her go. It
I wouldn't let her go. It shows her that she is disposable and that your new husband and his kids are more important to you. I realize she is high maintenance right now, but give her consequences for her behavior instead of in essence telling her that she is expendible. She is 15. 15 year old girls are hell on earth. They are going through so many internal changes already. They are trying to be independent but not yet mature enough to handle it.
Before you make a decision that I really believe you will regret down the road, try counseling with her while she is at YOUR home. Exhaust everything available to you before you send her to her father.
Dad is stricter. Im not home
Dad is stricter. Im not home 8-5:30 everyday. I'm usually exhausted when I get home. If I could not work & focus on her it would be great. It is not an option to stay home. I wish it was! Summer is coming & I'm concerned about leaving her home with the other kids that she bullies. I suggested counseling & to stay through the end of the school year. She refuses & keeps acting worse. Feel at a loss!!!
Ok... She's not going. At
Ok... She's not going. At least not for now. My daughter disclosed to me that BF does not have a bedroom for her, that she'd be staying nights at her grandparents. That the SM's 20 something son moved back in not to long ago for the umpteenth time. So basically retired grandma & grandpa would be getting her off to school in the morning. Mornings are the worst for her. She will go days without showering if I let her. She sweats a lot due to her having PCOS (with high testosterone) and gets bad acne & BO. She won't get up mornings & frequently throws fits. Just what I want his parents to deal with every morning. There's no way I'm letting her go if BF isn't the one caring for her.
I agree. My daughter went
I agree. My daughter went through a time of storming to her room and slamming her bedroom door so hard she would shake the foundation. I told her if she did it again she would have no door. Welp, she did it again. I got my handy dandy screwdriver and took the door off the hinges. It took her a while to get it back. She never did that again.
You need to take back control of your house. Do react to her. Be proactive and try some of the things that Stepaside has suggested. Earning her things back is a very good beginning.