I'm thinking of leaving
Heck, I don't even know where to start. DH and I met in 2007, married in 2010. 5 kids (3 mine- 2 sons, 21y, 15y, 1 daughter 19y / 2 his- 2 sons 18y, 12y). Things are just so convoluted at this point that I just want to leave.
My BD (19) has issues, mental health and substance abuse. Nothing at this point that we can kick her out for. We know she uses but haven't found it in her room. She despises DH and creates issues. She has borderline personality disorder- one of the hardest things to treat in mental health field. She hates BD and SM.
SS (18) has drug and mental health issues as well. SS says I don't like him because he reminds me of sm and says I don't like her. He recently got caught at school with something like ecstasy. Suspended for 5 days. Says my daughter gave it to him. This of course it putting a lot of strain on marriage. SS started smoking pot at 15. Has a best friend who does Rx pain killers. Says he's done a lot of drugs with him. He is depressed. His BM was mentally abusive to him since the beginning of time. "you're fat, You're lazy, all you do is screw up, etc." Says I favor my daughter and she gets away with everything... What can I do about her smoking and doing drugs when she leaves the house? he does it too so I think he's just trying to deflect.. Also says I want him to fail because my own daughter is a failure and I don't want to be alone in that... DH lectures him and that is SS's punishment. So SS is graduating this year. We decided to still do the grad party because he graduated and that should be celebrated. If he is using drugs because he is depressed we felt it might make him feel worse. I think part of it is peer pressure not all depression.
My DH doesn't think things are as bad with his son as they are with my daughter because she gets defiant(trait of borderline personality) and his son doesn't but my opinion is that they both have MH and Substance abuse issues. Does it matter who's is worse or not? I think SS is more likely to self-harm due to depression. My daughter lets it out... I think a lot of this is due to both children feeling like their stepparent took time away from them and their parent. In other words, SS sees me as coming between him and dad. And visa versa with my daughter. I feel like DH's son wouldn't be feeling so badly if I wasn't around and if my daughter wasn't around, I wouldn't have to worry about her connecting him with people.
I just feel like I am at my wits end with all this and leaving might be easier and better for the kids- they'd get their parents back, they obviously are suffering... my DH and I haven't been intimate, besides a few occasions in over a year - could be two years... He works long hours, we really don't talk much anymore, seems like it's generally around the kids and their issues. I'm tired of him constantly telling me things my daughter does wrong. For instance, today he called me at work to tell me that my daughter brought an ashtray from her room and brought it outside. She's not supposed to be smoking in the house... So I said something to her, which didn't go well. She said it's been in her bag since she went away recently and it may have been. I haven't seen it around outside. She usually leaves it on the front porch.
I'm broken and emotionally drained, really can't take much more of all this.
Sister I am counting the
Sister I am counting the SECONDS until osd graduates next year!
^Well said^...*hugs* I have
^Well said^...*hugs*
I have to agree with everyone suggesting that you move on from the marriage and focus on your daughter; it's hard enough to deal with one child with mental and substance abuse issues, let alone two with different parents. Don't forget that you need help too.
WTH? The OP and her husband
WTH?
The OP and her husband each have a minor child that they need to protect from the two drug users. The minors should have to live with this craziness because the parents may want to save their marriage instead of protecting their minor kids.
Normally, I would say they
Normally, I would say they are almost adults and you should focus on your marriage, but in this case, the best thing is to move out and both of you focus on your own kids.
I have NOT failed in
I have NOT failed in parenting. Have YOU been in a living situation with someone with borderline personality disorder?? I have 2 other children, raised in the same household, same rules, they are fine... IF I was a bad parent, ALL my kids would probably be that way. They were raised in a great home. I have spent many hours in counseling regarding this child. She has hormonal imbalances to boot- high testosterone, low estrogen and PCOS.. This is not something you can control because you told a child or adult child not to do something. Emotion regulation is extremely difficult in these children. It's not just bad parenting. And I can say, I used to say the same exact thing before I was lucky enough to meet my daughter. She is much better than she used to be and we continue to work on Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Just some days/weeks/months are worse than others.
Drug test for research drugs??? really?? I'd like to know where to buy them!! The state police couldn't even tell us what drug my SS brought to school after they tested it. They had to send it off to a state chemist!
He told the principal it was
He told the principal it was "something like ecstasy, MDEA, or MDA"- it didn't test positive for whatever they tested it for- I would assume they would have tests for those drugs. Did you know that at least 13% of all drugs seized where the person caught claimed the drugs to be ecstasy did NOT test positive for it?!?!?!?! So him thinking it was ecstasy and it not testing positive for it has nothing to do with me and what he claims the drug is. My apologies for not being completely specific on all the details- I was trying not to bore people with all of them. Afterward, my daughter gave us detailed "education" on research drugs. The cops said it could be a variation of the drug and that not all of them are illegal in NY but it might be illegal on a federal level.
She admits she does drugs... She was on heroin last year, I saw tract marks, she had a blood infection, emptied her bank account.. seems pretty legit to me!! Do I have to "physically" see her do drugs to know? I'm sure she will inject, snort, or smoke whatever drug she is doing in front of me- NOT!!!!! And no she is no longer using heroin- that was when she was living with her boyfriend. Pot, yes will come up in a drug screen but you can't do anything about pot.. she's was caught with pot too... a slap on the wrist- like a parking ticket...
"So her being defiant and
"So her being defiant and having outbursts is acceptable because she has a personality disorder?????! What???? You are making excuses for your piss poor parenting."
OK, NO. The OP didn't say it was "acceptable", she said it happens BECAUSE she has a disorder. The upshot of that is that traditional parenting techniques don't work and you've got to align your approach to strategies that are more likely to help. A friend of mine has a daughter with ODD and it is NOT "piss poor parenting" that causes it.
Thank you AllySkoo for your
Thank you AllySkoo for your response. We have been working a long time with counselors on this and I KNOW it's NOT poor parenting! Even BD and SM have gone to counseling so we know best how to interact with her.
I am in counseling, my BD is
I am in counseling, my BD is in counseling, my DH is not in counseling, my SS is starting soon.
I do frequent room searches of my daughter's room. My SS, I don't search his room, it's not my place.
SS in school - graduating this week- going to college in the fall. He is getting a summer job.
Rehab- she can't go if she doesn't test positive to anything when she arrives- she mostly uses research drugs that are not something you can test for. She also smokes pot- not sure what rehab accepts inpatient for that (all I have talked to said no). It's also about to be medically legal in NY. I have done a lot of research on inpatient rehab- hours on phone calls with different facilities. You have to fail outpatient several times before insurance will pay. In NY, a parent is responsible for any financial responsibilities until the child is 21. So if she went I'd have to pay, if she walked out, I'd have to pay. In NYS a family member cannot court order someone into rehab. Wish I lived in Florida where they have the Marchman Act.
I'm not trying to parent my SS, my husband handles it all. I say nothing to him.
Her working- she is incapable. She has severe anxiety and does not drive. She was on benzos but starting abusing them so they stopped giving them to her. She has issues (anxiety) just going to counseling and the MD. Not to mention, IF she was capable of working, I am not providing her with a car. We live in Timbuktu and there is no public transportation. - we live in cow country.
Lastly- they'd never fool around. This I am sure of. Can't explain how I know this, but I am sure of it. I almost burst out laughing when I saw that suggestion.. they are such different people in personalities, she has a hard time with ADLs, he is a psycho clean freak, she disgusts him. Their friends are totally different, they don't hang out together at all. Just have passed drugs a few times. He mostly gets his stuff from his friend who does pain pills and she gets the research drugs from her friends.
It sounds lke you intend to
It sounds lke you intend to devote your life to caring for her. Just wondering how that's going to work when you are gone and she has another 40 years to live?
I say picture that and then start working on that plan NOW. Sounds like a group home is in order. Write out the steps that will take. Do them. Have her "independent" w/in 2 years. It will be best for her and for everybody else.
I don't have any advice but I
I don't have any advice but I DO know that making a blended family relationship work is iffy at best. I don't think there is a chance in hell when you both have kids who users/abusers and have mental health issues on top of it.