regardless of who it was making out, your daughter is not allowed to mention if she saw someone making out at school? Is making out at school a regular sight to see?- I thought public displays of affection was punishable by detention at school?  So your daughter is being censored in what she communicates, and being silenced of what she observed?  Your going to silence your daughter? is she the only kid in your family being censored and silenced?  Your husband left and will sleep somewhere else because your daughter told what she saw? So your children will learn that they must not tell what they see or they will be punished and dad will leave and sleep somewhere else?

While your husband allowed to be angry, he has to remember your dd is still only  a teenager as well.

Of course she going to say stuff  without engaging her brain.  She is full of jealously and rage and not to mention raging teenage hormones,  that 'Mark' is with someone else whether it is SS or best looking girl in the school and not her.  All of these feeling are perfectly normal.

If SS didn't want to be outed he should have had a conversation with his dad, and or not be sitting on the playing fields for all to see and rumors to be spread.

Regardless of her crush, what your daughter did was cruel, vicious and lacking in empathy, and she needs to make amends. Letters of apology to her stepbrother and stepfather would be a good start, and you need to make her understand the magnitude of what she's caused.

As for your marriage, it sounds as if you and your H having been living on top of a powder keg for sometime, so it was only a matter of time before something would set it off. I do commend you for trying to work the problem via therapy etc and it's a shame to have this horrible thing happen so close to having the kids launched. If you and your H want to salvage your marriage, it may be time to consider living apart until all the kids are launched. And counselling. Marital, family, lots of it. 

OK, she's a KID. She said something impulsively and now your DH wants to divorce you over it? If that's the case, good riddance. He's showing his kids that he's on their side, not yours, and that you have no adult authority in the home.  No wonder they've been icy to you.  Your DD was wrong to say it, but obviously the kid was making out with another boy in plain sight, so he can't be too concerned about keeping in the closet.  And instead of you and DH talking about how to manage the fall-out, he moves out with his kids?  That's just insane and beyond disrespectful to you. It's making this an "us" vs. "them" thing, instead of making clear that you and he are the adult team and will deal with this.

Kids are going to do stupid and wrong things. Yes, she needs to apologize, but it sounds like DH is at least accepting of his son's sexual orientation, so it sounds like it's not going to result in SS being kicked out of the house or other dire consequences that some gay kids face.  So why can't you and DH talk about how to handle this as the parents in the home?

Ugh, this burns me for you. DH is just as wrong in how he's dealing with this as DD was.

Wow, you have your hands full!

I say privately address it with your husband first. Tell him you know what your daughter did was wrong and you want to handle it as parents and as a family starting with him. Tell him this will be a test of your marriage because you know what she did was awful. Ask him how he thinks it should be handled. Give him some input and validate his anger. Hopefully, that will put you and him on the same page so you can address what your daughter did in a way he finds appropriate.

If he says his kids won't be there if your daughter is there, point out that this would mean divorce. Tell him you think there's a solution that won't involve divorce if you and he address it together. Be calm and never let him think you don't take this as seriously as he does.

Don't defend your daughter, but remind him she's 15 and hurt. Tell him to her, this is probably only about hurt feelings, not about outing his son any more than it would have been if SS had been kissing a girl.

I hope your daughter has only outted SS to his own family. She must be stopped from taking this "public." That should be the first thing addressed with her. But get your husband on board first.

Life is complicated, isn't it? Geez, who would have thought this impossible situation would happen???

Why would she have been so upset to see them making out?  It sounds to me like it was a surprise to her, as well.  That the SKIDS may have known all about it, but she didn't.

And if the SKIDS follow the notion that if you hurt me, I'll hurt you worse, it seems like this was par for the course in this household, just it was OP's kid doing the hurting this time.  I'm not saying it's OK to "out" people, but it's also not OK to let your stepsibling pine after a guy that they know is in a relationship and gay, to boot.  But it seems like cruelty has been accepted in this house, as long as the peace was kept.

OP, this isn't about your DD outing her stepbrother.  You all rugswept issues for 8 years and allowed these children well too much power.  Can you wrestle the power back from this BS?  Doesn't sound like it to me.

  Agreed! The best reaction from the parents would have been DH saying to SS, "Hey buddy, it's no big deal. I love you and accept you for who you are. Ignore your stepsister. She did this to hurt you - don't let it. Your family supports you."

And the OPs daughter should be made to apologize and punished for behaving in such a vicious manner

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 This.  I get the boy is hurt and upset but damn…he was making out at school where tons of people probably saw him.  And I get that the girl was totally cruel.  Most teen girls are.  Especially when hurt.   No surprise there and it does not make her a monster. She should apologize and move on.   And now the boy is going to think being gay is terribly wrong since everyone is freaking out.  

 Buuut besides AAALLL of that…I would move out with my kids and live apart until all are in college.   This will not get better under the same roof with all the kids that dislike each other.  Just won’t work.  Good luck.  Your DD did wrong but they are all over reacting IMHO.   

Don't really think your daughter did anything wrong and certainly didn't out her step brother. If he wasn't out, why would he be behaving this way in public? Your SK's are toxic and the entire situation sounds really unhealthy for everyone involved.

Why is BD  being punished to protect SS from the "shame" of being gay? He's gay, so what? Now imagine if BD had caught SD making out with football hottie? It's an a$$hole move to not tell your own sibling that their crush is off the market and a double a$$hole move to date the person your sibling has a crush on, gay, straight, attack helicopter.

not only that, the siblings played an exclusion game of staggering proportions with your BD. They kept this secret from her in her own home and, on a larger scale, let her make a fool of her self over this boy who is making out with her brother in front of God and everybody. It doesn't sound like the lovebirds are all that private. 

Also, your BD didn't "out" him. By my calculations, she only stated an open secret that was already known to over 50% of the people at the table. 

This "backlash" is just gaslighting from the skids to distract from their own atrocious behavior.

The man didn't ask for a divorce. He didn't say he was moving out and never coming back. 

The man said he didn't want to see his stepdaughter right now. I can understand that. He just chased his kid out the door to deal with the blow smacked at the dining room table by a nasty stepsister who has made it clear she has no use for the kid nor any of his siblings. 

The man should be able to put himself together prior to coming home and dealing with the stepdaughter who deliberately and cruelly thought outing the kid was appropriate dining table conversation. 

No, he's not making his son and daughter come back. What he said though was not as long as the stepsister is there. The stepsister is 50/50 visiting her own father. He didn't say his children won't come during those off weeks. He didn't say ' this is the end your daughter must be banned from the home or our marriage is over'. 

These kids, all of them, already hated each other. I don't think it was all so terrible that the father went after his son. He has a lot to discuss with his son. Sure , the whole school might have known, but that's not the same as telling his father.It was up to the boy when he felt he was ready to talk to Dad about it. 

Fortunately, the father, from what little was written, seems to be going to be supportive of his son. Not all parents are. And some slowly come to accept .  Some never accept at all. 

I find it strange, that skids who supposedly make their own meals and pretend half the household does not exist , suddenly decided  all sit down and seemingly have the one big happy family family meal to start with. I also find it strange that a mother would keep pushing her daughter to talk about what's 'wrong' at the dinner table with the entire group sitting there (who mother knows hate each other) to discuss 'what's wrong, sweetie' as if the girl should open up in front of her 'enemies. 

You said in the post that there is a history of bad blood between the kids that therapy could not solve.  I wonder what's been going on between them all that you don't know about that led to this.  I think you need to spend some quality time with your bios and really find out what's going on.  Its a pretty aggessive move in the war of the skids, what brought it on?  

I also wonder if your girls are jealous of the skids.  They seem to be "perfect" as you describe them but didn't you didn't give much of a description of your own girls.  I'd be pissed if my mom thought my step siblings are better then me and would lash out in a way at that age that would make a skid less than perfect.  Too bad the brain isn't fully formed at 15 and the ability to think things through isn't there yet.

I think you have a bigger mess than you think you do.  Doesn't sound like  you started off the kids with respecting each other and have been playing catch up, originally missing the boat in the early stages of blended family life.  

OP take a hard look at the way you have parented your bios since having DH and skids in your life.  Have you pushed them into being vindictive by the way you think about the skids?  Read your post again and see how you explained each set of kids.  Have you sacrificed your relationship/loyality with the bios in an effort to get the skids to like you?    

I don't know...I think it might have been pretty crushing for the daughter to see SS making out with her crush and feeling as if all her stepsibs kept it from her. I'm not sure how malicious her outting him really was. It's hard to tell without knowing the kids. But kids today have a very different view of being gay than older generations do -- she might not have felt she was outting him. You just don't know without personally knowing the players.

Regardless, we know daughter is hurt, SS is probably furious and maybe ashamed, and dad is most likely shocked, but definitely in protective mode. I think when there's hurt all around, it's easier to fix than when just one person is hurt.

Everyone could have behaved better in this instance. The sibs might have told the daughter the hottie is gay and left it at that. The SS might have told dad sooner, especially if he was comfortable making out school and knowing it might get back to the wrong person. The daughter might have privately told her mom what she saw and how pained she is.

As usual, SM is in the hot seat now to fix this mess: answering for her daughter's behavior, dealing with her daughter's hurt, dealing with her daughter being the source of this secret "coming out," husband's anger...

Calmbeforethestorm, don't take this on the chin too much. Kids ARE cruel and your blended household wasn't very blended before this. That might not be anybody's fault. Anyone who saw SS making out might have spilled the beans to his dad. It was your daughter, though, but as we so often hear from these dads, "I can't control how my child behaves!"

This is a good time to demand all your household have more respect for each other. Become the biggest victim of all of them. Say you're sick of this shit and it must stop. Tell them if they can't find a way to be respectful, there will be a lot more hurt ahead because you won't stand for it. Say they are all old enough to find better ways to cope. Tell your daughter she put you and your marriage in a terrible state. Tell the sibs they might have kindly told your daughter her crush is not on the team she thinks.

But before all this, set things straight with your husband. You must be united and solid when you address this with all your kids.Tell him you can no more control after the fact how your daughter handled this than he can control how his kids handle things. Then get on the same page with how you'll address each kid's behavior. His indignation is somewhat warranted, but saying anyone can't be in the house because of it is a cop out. People don't storm off when things are shaky. That's not what you want to show any of the kids.

They all contributed to this situation a little or a lot. Make them face it and live in the same space. Separating just implies an "us versus them" dynamic that was already in play, and they'll see if they cause enough disruption, they get what they want -- a life without a step family. Make them all own their part so they see you are not taking sides and they can't divide your marriage with shitty behavior.

Kids have to learn through experience.  DD-15 is learning how to deal with the pains of unrequited young love and SS-15 is learning to navigate life as a  young gay man while journeying through the usual teen angst loaded sexual discovery process. 

As parents of a gay man one regret that my bride and I have is that our son did not share with us his journey and struggles with coming to grips with  his sexuality.  He came out to us when he was 20.  I was not surprised but his mom was blind sided.  I had suspected since he was fairly young and when he was 17 I happened to confront him about using his lap top in violation of consequences we invoked for his brain fart return home from Military School.  He could not be on his computer except in our study with the door open and only then if he was working on school assignments.  He was not allowed to have his bedroom door closed.  I had come out of our room to see the office door open, no lap top and his bedroom door closed.  So I knocked once and walked in.  He slammed his laptop shut.  I calmly told him that I didn't want to fight about it so just open the laptop and show me what he was working on.

Up popped gay porn.  He swore up and down that he was looking at "normal" porn when the gay port window popped open.  I told him that gay porn is normal porn just like hetero porn but that the point was that he wasn't supposed to be on his computer except per the stipulations he was given by his mom and I.  He apologized. Then I started the discussion regarding him being able to come to his mom and I to talk if he needed our ear and support. He said that he knew he could come to us about anything but that he wasn't gay and didn't have anything he needed to talk to us about on the topic. He then implored me not to tell his mom he was surfing porn.

That is the only thing I have ever kept from my bride. I struggled with not telling her but I kept his confidence.

While your DD's actions are less than sensitive I don't think that they are particularly egregious for a 15yo.  Rather than being angry at your DD your DH needs to get his head on straight and focus on supporting  his son as he navigates this part of his life as a  young gay man.

My wife and I wish we could have been there for our son.  Your DH now has that opportunity.

This juvenile "we're not coming home if she is there" crap is pathetic coming from your SKids. It is puke worthy coming from your husband.

This is a difficult situation for all but half of those involved throwing juvenile tantrums and being all butt hurt rather than engaging in discussion and resolution efforts is ridiculous.

IMHO of course.

Would it have been such a "serious offense" (almost criminal to some of you) if her DD had mentioned SS making out with a girl?

Most of the young people that I know don't give a 2nd thought as to someone's sexuality.   It sounds like you DH has some big hangups.

For OP to consider herself the biggest victim, would be minimizing the SS's hurt.  I would not advise it.  Her DD caused this problem, to assinging equal guilt to all stinks.  

I have yet to hear what the DD's punishment was, other than being sent to her room. 

I would be supporting my DD in this situation. no way I would be supporting DH in this situation. 

I wish there was a thumbs down button.

They are all nuts. I have 4 in my house and i'm surprised i haven't turned to booze. They are ALL drama, all about their friends and school and all selfish. That being said, it is like a 3 ring circus until they go to college. I have one that hates me and my kids, 1 that I get along with, a daughter who is a lesbian and a son who is dramatic. Keep in mind their brains are still developing and that all you can pretty much do is to set and be the example that you wish them to emulate.

I think the problem here is DH's reaction. But your DH's reaction of staying somewhere else was a complete overreaction and just as drama ladden as the teen's behavior. Where is his loyalty to you? Drama was both kids fault. Was it a nasty thing to out him? Of Course, but making out at school is not exactly in the closet.  Would DH have gone somewhere else if it was SD? Highly doubtful.