It's really too late to be asking this but am I cut out to marry a divorced man???
Am I crazy? My fiance was married for 12 years (as was I). That's a pretty long time to be married. He shared ALOT with her. How can I marry this man and be second to that? And why does it bother me so much because I had THE SAME THING!!! Am I being selfish for hating that he spent a long time with someone else? How do I get over him being with her?? Please help.
All of this could be stemming from the fact that I'm getting ready to move into the house that he built FOR HER. I know it's just wood and nails but, at one point, it was a dream that they shared together. He doesn't seem to understand my anxiety over this. He sees the house as alot of work that he did with his own hands...sodding the yard, sprinkler system, pouring a driveway and patio, putting up a fence, building a shed, etc. He has been exceptionally wonderful about giving me total freedom to change anything and everything and it does feel good when I get to leave my "mark" on something but I still need his support and his understanding and for him to realize that this is a real big step for me. And the first time that his son tells my kids that it's not their house, I'm gonna FLY ALL OVER HIM!
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You had hopes and dreams with
You had hopes and dreams with your ex too - do you have the issues you think your fiance is going to have? Talk to him about it. Maybe you aren't giving him enough credit.
It sounds like there are a
It sounds like there are a number of unresolved issues you're facing. You are not married. Therefore, it is NOT too late to be asking.
I would strongly recommend NOT marrying this man until you reach some resolution with your own problems, only because once you're living in the house he built for his ex & his son is telling your kids that it's not their house, you will not have another place to take your kids for peace. You need to work something out that will allow you & yours to feel peace in your home. If you can't feel that in the house he's in, talk to him about selling & starting your lives together fresh...in a home that he didn't build a life in with another woman.
Some women can deal with it. Others can't. I couldn't.
Talk to your fiance about your feelings & concerns. If he's prepared for marriage with you, the fact that these things are important to you should make them important to him as well.
I understand that feeling,
I understand that feeling, and am trying to get over it myself. My DH was married to his ex for 12 years, together for 14. I was married to my ex for nearly 10 years, together for 11 or so. What I get jealous about is the GOOD time they shared. They were once a nice, happy, loving, caring family who took vacations and did things together. He started a good business and gave her the money. She couldn't have kids after the first so he paid to get her fertility. He lived his life for her.
On the other hand, once I got pregnant with my first, my marriage was over. My ex was an ass who made me feel like crap, like no one else would want me, all that kind of stuff. Where I was once a strong-willed person, he tore that down and left just a shell of who I once was. I did not have a marriage, I served my own personal prison term.
I never had that good marriage, he did. I never will, he already has. Even now, my marriage is built around our ex's (his more than mine), our kids (no personal time), and just the hope that one day we will get to be a happy couple.
The reason it's too late is
The reason it's too late is because we are in the process of building a new master suite onto his house....a $60K addition.
There are a few reasons why we chose his house over a new house.
1. His parents gave him the land (3 Acres)
2. I love it out there...so private and beautiful
3. We couldn't afford to buy what he has now
4. Her name was never on the house and mine will be
We have pre-marital counseling today and this will definitely be our topic of discussion.
RaeRae....You are on the same
RaeRae....You are on the same exact level as me. He lived for his family, worked 3 jobs so she could stay at home, took vacations, etc. She stole from him, lied to him, cheated on him...all multiple times.
I, on the other hand, had a man that was so selfish and just ignored everything about me. When I compare our marriages, I envision his to be a nice, comfortable marriage and mine to be miserable. I know this can't be the case completely (or they would still be together).
Our stories are scary
Our stories are scary similar. She lied, stole, cheated... and then accused him of being abusive and controlling in court--when he gave up everything for her. Friends, soccer, any sort of social life, because she was so insecure. She ended up cheating on him many times over. We believe (because of her actions and things she said before their divorce--she and I were once friends) that she had her last two, possibly her last 3 children solely for her own financial future (she said if she moves to a certain state, they will automatically have him paying $500 for each child in child support, so she would have $2000/month for the next 16 years. Actually, she had told me that this is what I should do--I thought she was giving me advice, didn't realize she was researching all of this for herself).
He had a house built for her, then after a few years, he bought her a bigger house. He paid cash for her van, always making sure she had the nicer, more reliable vehicle. He pampered her, spoiled her, and loved and cherished her.
My marriage was the total opposite. In the almost 10 years we were together, my ex and I moved (with our kids, of course) at least 14 times, including extended-stay motel rooms, staying with family... we never had a stable home, the kids have been in so many schools it's just sad. IF we had 2 vehicles, he always took the better one. I remember my babies being in the back of 'my' car one day, it was so hot and we had no AC, they were red and sweating... but HE had the car with the AC. Didn't matter that I HAD to go to the grocery store. He would even leave me, at times, and go out of state, taking the only vehicle we had. I was there alone with my kids, and no vehicle. No birthday surprises, or mothers day gifts, no 'just because' necklace or ring, just an asshole sleeping in my bed when he decided to come home.
And now I have this wonderful man who I love dearly, but I'll never be special to him. I'll never be the pampered, cherished mother of his kids. He doesn't have time to spoil me (and he doesn't have time for me to spoil him) with love and 'sweet' things. We are broke, there's no way he can get us our own house, no way he can buy us a nice vehicle, he can't afford to buy me a ring, because we've spent so much on attorneys to fight his ex. We will never have alone time where we can spend the weekend together, or just lay in bed together, or even go on business trips together.
Ah, the joys of being 'second'.
I would NEVER EVER recommend
I would NEVER EVER recommend marrying a man with children, divorced, single, married, separated, whatever.
Find a nice CHILDLESS man.
This post really is not about
This post really is not about the children. It's about marrying a previously married man...with or without children. At my age, it would be difficult to find someone who has not been married before.
Thank you, Missfrenchtoast,
Thank you, Missfrenchtoast, for your words of encouragement. I was hoping that I would hear from someone who has gone through the same thing and has come out ok.
You're right about the master bedroom...that's actually why we decided to build it. We knew that we HAD to add on to his house b/c I have 3 BDs and we originally discussed adding on THEIR bedrooms. I finally had the idea to add a new master instead and that will REALLY mean alot to me! Next on the remodel list is the kitchen!
As far as changing the rest of the house....I just left the carpet store with him and we have picked out new carpet for the existing bedrooms. We have already painted half the house and will continue until every single wall is a new color. I know this may be a bit extreme but it feels good to me. All furniture from their time together is gone already. I'm having a sidewalk poured from the driveway to the front door so I can make my mark on the exterior of the house too.... That way, when she comes over to get SS, she'll see that it's no longer her house. Gosh, that sounds just so petty but I don't care!!
Counseling today should be a real blast.
Hubby and his first wife (BM
Hubby and his first wife (BM of older StepKids) bought an older 5 bedroom house just before they divorced and he let her have it (because that's where the kids lived) and he moved. The kids grew up and moved away and she still stayed in it, even though it was enormous and hard to heat and she probably could have gotten a really good price because of the market, so obviously she loved her house. After she died, her kids had inherited the house that none of them wanted and they couldn't sell because of the market and the condition of the house - so Hubby and I bought it as an investment. Circumstances changed, job transfers, etc. and here I am - living in exwife's beloved house. So, I know how you feel. (Other than Hubby doesn't have the hurtful memories really.)
I agree with whoever said to redecorate every inch. I don't think that it's extreme that you are repainting every wall. You have one thing that she never had for your husband - appreciation. She never appreciated the beautiful house that he built for her or the other things that he bought for her, they were just THINGS to her. To you, they represent your HOME. There is a difference. So what if you don't have new cars and STUFF - you have each other. Keep painting and planting and changing and enjoy your new master bedroom.
It's because we still live in
It's because we still live in an archaic society and women are still viewed as property of DH. I was thinking about this just the other day and wondering why they feel somehow connected to that ex wife. I certainly don't feel connected to my ex husband, who has his new fiancee moving into our old house, the one I picked out. I don't care. It's hers now. I don't want it or him.
I do wonder why we feel like we're never the real the wife. Is it because all the firsts are gone? They shared so much, it feels like we can never spend enough time with them to make new memories that are better than the old ones. We get the beat up, broken remnants of the man after the ex has chewed him up and spit him out. Why isn't that a two way street? Why don't they feel that way about our past? I really think it's because we become wife unit #2 and not WIFE! Just look at the expectations of us when we try to be SM.
I just love it when we get to hear about all the wonderful vacations and business trips, the nice cars and houses they HAD. The evenings on the boat with the fam. Puke.
Not sure why the double standard, but I totally understand how you feel.