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Accountability

Adviceneed1234's picture

I haven’t been to this site for a while. My SD 16 hasnt been held accountable her whole life. When she is at our house we try to include her but all she does is sit on her compuer and watch tv shows. For the most part I roll with it. She is not my daughter not my responsibility. The times when I get fed up is when it start to effect my BS 5 behavior and the questions/statements I get from him. With all of this being said her BD asked to let the dogs out and she said no. She didn’t have make up and she didn’t take a shower. I then asked her to help unload the dishwasher. She then said no. I then told her if she doesn’t help with either I willl take away her electronics. She said she doesnt care so I took them. WWII broke out then. I’m so frustrated that BM and BD haven’t held her accountable her whole life. It is always easier to give in. I get it, but what are you teaching her? She was at our house for 3 weeks the only chores we ask her to do is either let the dog out or unload the dishwasher. She has let the dogs out 3 times and unloaded the dishwasher 2. To top it all of SD tells me and BD we are bad parents and we let BS get away with everything. SD mom told BD to pay SD to spend time with my BS and he did! Urgh. Since I’m so evil she has packed up her items and is going to her moms house. I’m upset with how I reacted and the drama in my house. On the other hand it’s horrible walking on eggshells too.

ndc's picture

Why are you so upset with how you acted?  You laid out a consequence and followed through.  It sounds like the girl needs that desperately.  It's good news for you that she left.  I'm sure your husband isn't happy about it, but I'm equally sure he's had plenty of opportunities to mold her into a child who contributes and can do as she's told, and he didn't.  This is a natural result of that.

Iamwoman's picture

I agree with ndc- you need to look at this from a more positive angle:

You have figured out exactly how to make SD16 go away! If I were you, I’d be asking her to let the dogs out and empty the dishwasher everytime she comes over. I would then unplug her electronics everytime she refuses! Bye bye SD16!

CantComplain's picture

I agree with ndc, you did exactly the right thing. You can only control how you behave, you can't control how those around you behave. You have nothing of which to be ashamed. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Just like the others said you did the right thing! My only problem is that you guys are letting her go! She should have to stick out her punnishment. If she gets arrested later in life, she can't pack up and go to mom's. Why should she get to run back while grounded?

Rags's picture

Good riddance. Enjoy the new state of calm and reasonable behavior in your home.

Keep her electronics.

lorlors's picture

Removal of electronics is one of the only currencies available when it comes to teenagers. Why should your SD get to say ‘no’ to chores?! It wouldn’t wash in this house. Undoubtedly, skids racing back to BMs can cause unnecessary aggravation and drama but as others have said, I’d be cheering if I got rid of one of my stepkids! Enjoy it while it lasts, your SD sounds like a colossal pain in the ass.

exhausted247's picture

So sorry this happened! My 2 SS are the same way. Never been held accountable because even though they're in middle and high school my DH and their BM think they're to sensitive and little to be expected to do anything. I tell them to pick up the trash they throw on the floor and put it in the garbage can and they freak out that I force them to do "my" housework for me. One of them peed all over the floor and trash can and left it for me to clean--again, not little boys, teens. When I came out of the bathroom furious with pee on my hands that soaked through the paper towel I used to clean it, I turned to the closest one and said, "When you guys need to use the bathroom, you need to do it in the toilet, not all over the floor and trash can. That's gross and there's no excuse for it." They went home and told their mom how awful and passive aggressive I am and refused to come over for a month because of MY attitude. Their mom, who is apparently psychic said SHE knows what really happened. It was a little splash on the toilet seat, nothing more, and I freaked out. My husband believed me at first but when his lying kids and ex denied it, I became the bad guy and surely I only thought there was pee all over the floor and trashcan instead of a tiny splash on the toilet. I've been badmouthed the last month for it and now I'm staying in a hotel while they grace their father with their presence this weekend in MY home. Everyone pretending it never happened.

Didn't mean to hijack your post. Just wanted to let you know it's not just you and even if it's something big the stepkids do, an enabling parent and entitled stepkid will still find a way to blame you--so don't beat yourself up.