Lying

SusieCue's picture

I'm starting  to think SD15 a compulsive liar. I'm currently disengaging from her but DH is also at his wit's end. SD15 will lie about literally anything, even things that there are no reasons to lie about. For example, one of her chores is to load and start the dishwasher. SD10 asked if she could unload the dishwasher and we told her go for it. Instead of telling us that the dishes in the full dishwasher were dirty and that she forgot to start it, SD15 tells SD10 to stop unloading, making it look like SD10 abandoned her job. She then sits back and watches as we lecture SD10 on finishing what you start. SD10 is afraid to tell on her sister so she says nothing. I then discover that the dishes are dirty, the dishwasher is full and SD15 is at fault. DH asks her why she didn't start it or say anything to us when we were talking to SD10. She says, "I didn't forget, I just didn't start it because it wasn't full enough yet and I told SD10 to stop unloading it because it was full of dirty dishes." So she basically says in the same breath that it was too empty to start but that it was full of dirty dishes. DH then brings her to the dishwasher and asks if it looks full or empty to her. She just shrugs. She is now grounded again and currently deep cleaning the entire house.

The thing is, this is a weekly if not daily occurrence with SD15. She does or doesn't do something, we ask her about it, she lies, we know she's lying because she isn't very bright, and then she loses privileges and has to do more chores. Why doesn't she learn? What else can be done to get her to understand? The rule in our house has always been that you will get in far less trouble (or not in trouble at all) if you own up to your mistakes and work to correct them or better yourself. But she never does. She either lies or lets her sister take the blame. 

SD15 also steals random things from me that at one point I wouldn't have had an issue with letting her borrow (necklaces, clothes etc) and keeps them in her room. When confronted, she claims she was planning on returning it, even though she's put it in her drawer or jewelry box or hidden it. Each time she does this she's loses privileges and gets grounded. She still continues to do it, and does the same thing with sweets/snacks-- instead of asking if she can have something or just eating her share and saving some for everyone else, she takes things and hides them or lies about taking them. Her dad and sister have special dietary needs and therefore have certain foods that we buy specifically for them. Instead of consuming the "regular" version of these foods she will take theirs, eat the entire thing or just leave a basically empty container, and not say anything about needing to replace it, so when SD10 or DH needs it, it isn't there. She will then deny eating any of it, but we know it's her because we've found the wrappers in her room.

Please share any advice or things that have worked for you.

NYCEastside's picture

I have no idea of the conditions that lead to DH getting custody, but I would imagine the SD's homelife was tumultous at best. Children that age need rules (which you are enforcing) and structure. At the same time they rebel against rules and structure. Her mother "abandoned" her and she is pushing the limits to test whether you and DH will abandon her as well. Hang in there. If necessary get professional guidance on how to handle difficult teenagers. They are very challenging.....     I have no biological children. My exboyfriend's daughter came to live with us when she was 16 after being thrown out of her home by her BM. I never thought she would graduate from high school. During the time she lived with us she ran away from home, got involved with  the worst boyfriend possible, and started doing drugs. I don't know how I lived through it all but I was always there for her. That was 20 years ago. Her father and I parted ways a long time ago and when I got married she was the maid of honor at my wedding. She is now an attorney who holds qualifications in two countries. Even the worst kids can change. You and DH appear to be on the same page so work on this together.

SusieCue's picture

I do agree that she is testing her limits. DH and I have been very firm and aligned on disciplining both her and her sister. I recently disengaged from SD15 because the stress of dealing with her was too much and I refuse to do things for a kid that doesn't show respect to anyone, but DH and I discuss and agree on what we are to do going forward. At first, DH was very, "my kid isn't like that" about it but he's since come around and sees what she's doing. He also told her that my disengaging isn't me giving up, it's me refusing to be disrespected and not continuing to do things for an ungrateful, untrustworthy child. 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Smile

Mandy45's picture

She just trying her luck but as long as dh and you stick together. It helps. Seems she doesnt care about punishment my sd the same you can dish out as much punishment as you like and she wont care. It mainly because she doesnt want you to win. My sd will even lie to your face when the truth is even right there in front of you. But she will still try and convince you differently.  It also attention seeking too it may be negative attention but it still attention. Everything still focused on her in that moment. Some kids just like to pea you off. Because again it all about them.