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Overweight child?

SusieCue's picture

I recently took my 10, almost 11 year old step daughter to a doctor's appointment. She's 4'8" and 125lbs. She routinely over eats at dinner (this is not just a case of a healthy appetite. She literally does not know how to tell if she's full and she will eat until she throws up from eating too much.) I have tried to tell DH that we need to find a way to prevent her from doing this without outright saying she needs to go on a diet. I react her to have a healthy relationship with food. DH seems to think that she's fine, that she's not overweight at all and that going back for thirds, forths and fifths is perfectly acceptable, even though she's eating more than him (he's 6'4" and about 240lbs) and then STILL asking for dessert. 

So the pediatrician said that SD is very overweight, to the point that it could cause a lot of health issues in her near future. How to I break this to DH in a way that won't put him on the defense? Or should I have the Doctor do it?

SusieCue's picture

I want* her to have a healthy relationship with food

Rags's picture

Don't let her serve her own plate.  You or DH serve her plate with carefully measured portions. Your Doc can recommend a foods and portioning guide.  If this kid can't self regulate, the adults have to do it for her. Whether she or they like it or not.

Keep it simple.  

"Eat this, this is all you get."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Winterglow's picture

Have the doctor do it because he won't believe you. 

I'd start by not allowing anyone to go back for seconds. There's no reason to if the plates have adequate food on them. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sounds like Dad needs to take SD to her doctor's appointments if he isn't going to listen to you about what the doctor says. But yes, I'd get the doctor to both tell DH and put it in writing so DH can't pretend her didn't hear/see it.

I'd also start making smaller meals that are less calorie dense. Don't have leftovers; make enough for one serving per person each night. Maybe start doing family walks or yoga after dinner. 

The thing is, SD KNOWS she is overweight. He was at the doctor with you. She can compare herself to other kids. This isn't some secret that she'll be heartbroken to find out. 

Ultimately, though, this is for your DH to figure out. If he wants to let it go, he can. He shouldn't, but if he won't allow change, then there is little you'll be able to do unless SD wants to change on her own.

tog redux's picture

Wow - will he believe she's overweight when she develops Type 2 diabetes?  Is he just sticking his head in the sand, or what? He's not really terribly overweight himself (by American standards), so it's not as if he's defending himself by defending her.

I would have zero patience for him allowing this.

SusieCue's picture

I currently work from home, so I have more flexibility with my schedule. We just moved, so we needed to get established at a new practice.

Also, I had gently mentioned that SD was overeating and not being physically active, more so now that schools are online and she's able to slack off for PE. I started having her jump rope or jog twice a week but she whines and complains and I recently found out that she's been sneaking food when she's supposed to be doing PE. Because of all of this, I wanted to take her to the doctor to prove that I wasn't just picking on her. 

simifan's picture

4'8" and 125 lbs. is overweight, but not terribly so. This is also the time girls hit their growth spurt. I remember how ravenous I was during that time -  I cried once in a Burger King when refused a second kid's burger. I also got my period and grew 6 inches - no wonder I was starving. I would say one plate of food and a second serving of veggies is more then sufficient. However, if your DH is not on the same page, it is not worth bothering. You can't care more about her health then he does - it never works. What you can do if he refuses to follow the pediatricians recommendations is not take her to the doctor or get involved. DH will have to take her. DH will have to cook. DH will have to take her shopping when she is too fat for her clothes. 

 

SusieCue's picture

Thank you all for the advice. I understand that no parent wants to hear "negative" things about their children. The thing is, I don't think being fat is negative. If she had always been a larger child, or if she had a healthy relationship with food and was regularly active, or if the doctor hadn't said that she was high risk, it wouldn't be an issue. 

As it is, she's already wearing the same size pants as me. I'm 5'10" and 145. Only because she's so short, all of her clothes are either way too long or have to be cut or altered in some way so that they actually fit. 

The worst part is, while I think she does know that she's overweight, she acts as if she isn't. Her cousin (not blood related) is also overweight and she will make comments to DH and I about him being fat, lazy, ect. There have been many times I just want to tell her that she's the same size as he is, but I hold back.

Dads_Wife's picture

Honestly I feel bad seeing these types of posts. As someone who has struggled with under eating and over exercising since the first time someone called me fat at around 12-13, I always think this subject needs to be broached with caution and consideration. I still can't eat pizza without it being a trigger. To stay 'mentally in line' I only eat things that I find both safe and satsifying, and honestly that is sad and I don't wish these types of feelings on anyone even for a short period of time, nevermind the remainder of their life.

Be careful with this OP. I know it's a necessary conversation and I wish you luck!

Cover1W's picture

My niece had this disorder, she was diagnosed as well.  She had no "off" switch when eating at around the same age. My sister did notice a change in her eating and knew it wasn't normal. She did regularly see a doctor and a nutritionist and my sister / BIL had to be vigilant at eating times and with snacks. She had to "learn" mentally when to stop as her body wasn't telling her to.

She did overcome it and eventually grew out of it as she went into her teens and she's pretty normal now.  She still has a tendency to continue eating if she's tired but she's at least aware of it and is totally healthy.

NOTE:  this was an intact family, no SDs/BMs/different households. If your DH is not on board with this or at BMs you are likely not gonig to get anywhere.

SusieCue's picture

Honestly, thank you everyone. I know there's a fine line between fat shaming and outright denial of someone's condition. None of this has been said to SD. The conversations I've had with DH have been between him and I. But I do agree that some honest conversation has to occur with us and SD. 

The appointment was an initial appointment to establish primary care because we just moved. SD has follow up appointments scheduled because the Dr is concerned. I spoke with DH a bit today and he seemed more receptive than usual about everything. So hopefully this continues. 

WickedStepmother_'s picture

We have a similar problem with an 11 year old. She drinks way too much at the dinner table while eating and fills up on liquids. That usually means she's throwing up after meals. Try extending meals. The food isn't going anywhere. Talking helps sometimes. Small potions on plates. Lots of breaks in between.  

SusieCue's picture

She does drink a lot of liquid at meal times as well. We have switched her to water exclusively because she would drink an entire carton of juice in one sitting. As far as extended meal times, it takes her FOREVER to eat as it is. Often she is still at the table long after we are finished, but she will sit there and eat plate after plate of food. DH is coming around, but at first he had a lot of guilt about it because prior to SD living with us full time, she was living with BM and never got steady meals or nutritious food. So he likened it to animals, where they eat as much as they can because they don't know where their next meal is coming from. While I believe that SD didn't get the best quality food at her mom's, she's never been without food. I think it was his dad guilt coupled with resentment towards BM that allowed SD to get to the point she's at now. 

CLove's picture

Munchkin SD14 is 5'1" and 170 with diabetes and obesity and other health issues in her family.

All we can do is feed her healthy food, including salads and veggies, which we do...