18SD won’t leave room after argument. What to do .
Hello all. So the other night my husband and SD18 got into an argument after DH called bio mom a bad name. SD18 got upset. Hours later....1am actually... she stomped her feet threw a ball at the wall for 20 minutes to get his attention. They again got into a huge argument SD blaming the divorce (that happened 15 years ago) on her dad. Saying that I am only with him for his money. Not true I work a full time Job and support myself. Refers to me as "her" not by my name. Took pictures off the wall stole nest cameras we have around the house and blaring music until 3am. So after 2 days of her not leaving her room only to use the bathroom and will sneak to the kitchen when we're not home. When we are home dad delivers food outside of her bedroom door. I told him today that he is enabling her and not letting her face the consequences and her bad behavior. He disagrees and says that he "taking care of his daughter" and got into an argument. Am I in the wrong to have said something? Do we just let her stay in her room and hide out? And for how long?
She refuses to leave. Dad
She refuses to leave. Dad will never "kick her out" she has no where's to go. Dad still pays support to her mother while she is here. SD doesn't want to go to moms.
So SD can't get along
So SD can't get along anywhere, it sounds like. She needs a plan for her future which includes her supporting herself and moving out. Not necessarily immediately because in our society 18 is still usually a dependent child, but is she in school or working? If not, i would have a big problem with that. Not to mention your husband's lack of support for you and his enabling behavior...
So based on this, your DH is
So based on this, your DH is a bigger problem than your SD.
- He is still paying BM CS while SD lives with you- Strike one
- He won't make her go back to her mom's since she is being disrespectful- Strike 2
- He gives her a choice in her refusal to leave- Strike 3
I would be out if she isn't. Or they can both be out together. I would not be willing to sacrifice the peace in my home over an 18 yr old that acts like that. She isn't a child anymore. She is a legal adult. Time to own up to your decisions, they have consequences. Now that she is 18- they are big ones.
Then you have two choices:
Then you have two choices: stay and accept the dysfunctional dynamic that predates you, or put together an exit strategy and get out of that ridiculous situation.
FWIW, that is crazy, unacceptable conduct from an adult. Both your H and his daughter need professional help.
Cut the power to her room,
Cut the power to her room, and shut off the internet.
I told DH the other night she
I told DH the other night she needs professional help. She is in college. Obviously home from the pandemic. She does very well in school and when she is not acting crazy her and I do get along very well. DH enables her behavior never follows through with punishments. Mind you this is the longest she has ever stayed with us. She is usually at school or mothers. But yes she created a problem where ever she goes. She had a boyfriend but they got into an argument about her nagging behavior towards him so he broke it off. I've told DH she needs medical help but I think he just wants to deny there is something wrong with his perfect angel.
DH turned off the WiFi for 2
DH turned off the WiFi for 2 seconds. She said she was taking a test. I said she was lying but he turned it right back on.
I agree with the posts above
I agree with the posts above and with your assessment. Your DH is an enabler. The fact that he is paying BM CS when the child doesn't even live with her also indicates that he is enabling BM.
Unless he sees an issue, you will be swimming upstream on this for a while.
Your H is definitely an
Your H is definitely an enabler. And he's not nurturing a chia pet. He's growing a narcissist who will in turn hurt many people.
The way he treats SD18 is
The way he treats SD18 is like she is still 5. Does everything for her. Picks up the pieces when something goes wrong, makes phone calls for her that she should be doing ie calling in a simple prescription. I tell him all the time how he is enabling and that she can do those things herself and he just says that she is his daughter and he is taking care of her. He can never sit back and let things fall around her because he feels like he's failed as a parent. I do not have kids of my own so when I say something that contradicts his actions or words he gets upset with me and says to stay out of it that it doesn't concern me. I live here this is my house I should not have to walk on egg shells around her in my own house
It should be your house
It should be your house without any of them including your DH.
SMH
Rags! You made me laugh so
Rags! You made me laugh so hard. I think this one sentence could be a generic response to so many posts. I agree. Women, you are truly better off by yourself than you are with a weak enabler. Manipulative, controlling BM (plus, in this case SD) and weaker, enabling DH = step hell. Now, if I could only take my own advice. . . .
Wait, you are in NY, so he's
Wait, you are in NY, so he's going to pay BM for 3 years, while the kid lives in his house? That alone might be a deal breaker for me.
SD won't go to court saying
SD won't go to court saying she lives with us full time to take away child support. He can't just not pay it because she is staying with us. She uses the stay home order as a reason to stay with us. She won't go to moms because it is worse there with her mom who doesn't work. SD has been brainwashed severely bad from BM
So document her residence
So document her residence with photographic evidence (daily newspaper on the table next to her) and go to court without her testimony.
Don't tolerate the crap and don't pay the opposition for anything not COd.
But, sadly, OP's husband will
But, sadly, OP's husband will not do this. It's up to him, not OP. Husband is just floundering around making sure princess is happy and paying bm for the privilege to boot!
OP there is no way in hell I would 1. Put up with all this garbage 2. Put up with all this garbage ESPECIALLY when household finances are draining to bm AND having extra expenses with sd there full time - that is rediculous.
SD has learned well from BM.
SD has learned well from BM. Unfortunately, your DH/ bio-dad has learned nothing.
She doesn't have to go to
She doesn't have to go to court to say she lives there. DH can provide proof in other ways. BM will have to prove that she lives with her.
I just don't know what to do
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am a firm believer of "his money, my money" sort of thing so if he wants to spoil her rotten and pay for everything I hope he is ready to pay for her the rest of his life. I already said I wouldn't give a dime to her when she disrespects me and him constantly.
But keep in mind, even though
But keep in mind, even though finances may be "seperate," the other partner still pays. Just one example: DH's bio-daughter wants a Sweet 16 party that winds up costing $2,000 (cheap). So, due to that, less money for the year, so no vacay or cheaper vacay for you and your DH. .Multiply scenarios like that over and over throughout the year. And, that is even exclusive of child support, which should, of course, be paid. Technically a SM doesn't have to fork over one dime for her SKs to wind up "paying" over and over.
Even tho. my DH and I do seperate our finances, for the most part, I am not on board when anyone implies that somehow DH's kids can be seperated out from everything else in a shared household. They can't. First of all, that isn't what any marriage is supposed to be about: Yours and mine vs. ours. Maybe, just maybe if it is a second, more convenience-sake type marriage for both, I get it. But, the problem is too many think or assume that is the way EVERY marriage with a DH and SM should be.
My first marriage is to my DH, and I sure as H- didn't sign up for a business deal. I signed up for a marriage, and it further perpetuates the stereotype that such a marriage is not a real marriage, and thus can be poo-pooed by most; or, implies that the SKs can treat dad or mom's spouse (or SO) like crap because they don't do anything or bring anything to the table or really matter anyway. Any SM (or step-dad) under the planet will be making sacrifices financial, personal, emotional or otherwise for someone else's children. There is no way out of that, other than for everyone to show step-parents the appreciation that most of the time they truly deserve.
At what point did marital
At what point did marital income become separate? If I were you, I would stop paying any joint bills and tell DH to man up and be the provider. I would not put a penny into this shit show until daddy gained clarity or got TF out with his spawn. That should be his ownly choice.
smh
Seperate finances work for a
Seperate finances work for a lot of couples. DH and I have always kept seperate accounts. We have open and giving hearts, communicate what our finances are, make major financial decisions together but are also well aware that BM can pull some shady stuff. It is more protection for me to keep us seperate.
When bank statements are constantly being called in for court hearings, we don't want BM to know or her lawyer to know that I have a healthy income as well. This way, I am 100% out of it.
Exactly, thank you. Separate
Exactly, thank you. Separate income says nothing about the quality of the marriage.
There are any number of
There are any number of reasons to not go all in on a marriage. Finances are certainly one reason.
Keeping them separate does not necessarily keep the opposition from obtaining them considering that anything the court demands is given to the opposition.
We fought this for the entire 16+ years we lived under a CO. The court repeatedly ruled that I was not a party to the case yet demanded I provide my complete income and financial information though logically if I was not a party to the case my money was not a party to the case either.
We never had to provide bank statements though we did have to provide tax and income information as well as our investment account statements. Maintaining separate finances within a marriage reeks of lack of commitment and secret spending. Maybe not for all but as STalk clearly shows, for many.
I truly hope attempts to hide SParent income are successful. As SParent income really is no one's business including the courts.
Good luck.