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Anyone else find out that they were going to become a SGP over the Holidays?

ldvilen's picture

Just wondering. Not sure how I should feel about that. For his Christmas present, My DH got a mug in a package that said, "Best Dad Ever." And, then, his married daughter wrote on the package, "But the best dads get promoted to. . . Grandpas!! Surprise! We are expecting!!!." Since they were in town for just a few days, my DH met them alone yesterday for a quick morning breakfast. My gift was usual shower gel and body lotion combo. I thought it was kind'a cute the way they did his gift. BUT. . . my DH brought the mug later in the afternoon to my brother's for another Christmas gathering, and he showed the mug and box.

My first reaction was, "What the H-?" I knew they were planning on getting pregnant soon, but they had talked about waiting at least another year so many times. My DH was thrilled, and I don't blame him. I guess I should be happy-wappy too, but I keep finding myself wondering if as soon as I pick the child up in front of mom or dad or even ask to hold it, if they are going to cringe. Just hope I don't wind up being called Step-grandmakrampus. Who knows? Have no control over that.

Just wondering how others are feeling or felt about this. I guess I figure if it was more-or-less a mortal sin for me to expect to be in even one picture with my husband of 14 years at his daughter's wedding, I can't help but think if I even so much as give the kid a sideway glance, there is going to be H- to pay. But, most importantly, here is another part of my DH's life I'll feel excluded from. Sucks, even the thought of this exclusion. Just should be happy for them. Nine months to go! We'll see what happens then.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I love the title: Step Grandma-Krampus!! }:)

You know, I'd be happy for SD and her husband as they want to have a child. Also, on the other I would let this go: SD and her husband having a baby and the timing thereof is their choice. Correctly, the child will have a Grandma and a Grandpa and that is not you. (Just a fact, not an exclusion.)

I do think whether through blind forgetfulness or deliberate exclusion, biological children who are having a baby - especially the first one - look to their own biological parents. They are looking at those biological ties. Unfortunately the happiness or joy of the occassion could exclude the stepparent and that can hurt. I dont always think it is deliberate, so you dont have to take it as a deliberate personal slight. (Does depend on the history of your relationship with your SD - and her relationship to her mother. As well as the time/age and how you entered her life.)

Please dont go chasing up ghosts where you imagine how badly they will react when you hold grandbaby. It may or may not be this way. It seems you ARE setting yourself up for disappointment and there must be a reason for this? If it is a case that this SD has seen fit to exclude you from things, even at her wedding and generally not acknowledge you as "Dad's wife" for the last 14 years, or establish at least a cordial relationship with you, it is doubtful that a baby will change this. In fact it will cement your exclusion.

The best you can do - especially not to hurt yourself -is accept that these people do not see you as family, do not want you as family and are content to have you as someone Dad married. As adults we choose to define our relationships to and with others. Your SD has done so with you and it may be an unkind outcome. Let it be. Let things play out - and please try not let it affect you. (Even though that is very hard!)

(I have to say my own SD(20) announced her pregnancy on FB and that is where my husband saw he was to be a GrandDad. He did however also get a "World's Best GrandDad" mug. To this day, I have not been told by SD (or her junkie boyfriend) that she is having a baby. Doesnt bother me because I treat SD exactly the same way she treats me: with disdain that has led to exclusion. I do feel sorry for the baby though...I dont generally feel anything when it comes to my pink haired SD. Except maybe I feel my skin crawl when I think of her.)

wonderingifitsworthit's picture

I feel your pain, ldvilen. SD, 35, announced her pregnancy in the same way, with a Happy Birthday Grandpa card six months ago. We had a lot of upheaval in life in the last half of the year, so I wasn't thinking too much about it, but Christmas came and HELlo - she's 8 months pregnant and in a month she'll be a mom. And DH will be a grandpa. And I'll still be out in the cold, just in a whole new way.

On Christmas Eve DH couldn't keep his hands off her belly. Her BM was there too (I get along fine with her, so that in itself wasn't the problem). ALL the talk was about SD's pregnancy and baby. This might not have been so bad if all the talk weren't *always* about and around and concerning this strong-willed, entitled only child who has never treated me particularly well, and who in fact used to be pretty actively mean in that 7th grade girl way, even when she was 30. (Wedding pictures ... right. I am simply not to be found in them! It's like I wasn't there.) On Christmas Day, between the alienation I felt there in SD & SSIL's house and sorrow over my mother's passing a few months ago, I had a humiliating meltdown. Just cried and cried and could not stop. Husband was not very supportive and even seemed a tad annoyed.

I am 49, childless, and facing a midlife crisis. I'm sick at the thought of spending the rest of my husband's lifetime in the role of second-class citizen on holidays and birthdays and whenever SD decides she wants to see her daddy. Unfortunately, we happened to move closer to them this summer and are now just 90 minutes away, so frequent visits are a depressing likelihood. DH is disappointed that I can't just trust that "love" (mine for SD and SGC, presumably) will cure all, and that I am ruining this thing that is supposed to be really wonderful for him. But children pick up their parents' cues, and when I'm with with SD and SSIL, I just don't count. They hang on DH's every word, but I'm pretty low on the totem pole. The kid will internalize that message; it's what kids do.

So I feel screwed. And I am very deeply hurt by and angry with my husband's refusal to consider my feelings. Hence my handle. I really am not sure it's worth it.

So, that's how *this* childfree stepmom feels about it! You don't seem to have some of the baggage I do, and you seem strong. You might be just fine. Good luck!

disrestep's picture

I've been there and felt left out, only at first, when the adult skids included only DH when making baby announcements, showers, and anything related to their births, parties, and holidays. I tried and bought little baby gifts, sent the cards, shower gifts and holiday gifts; but I was never considered part of their family, even extended family. So, I stopped trying, and this site helped also, to just realize they will never accept me as part of their little clan. I don't care anymore and have not for a long time. Who wants people who are just mean and purposely exclude you as part of their life? I don't.

It is not wrong to expect you should be in a picture with your DH. Why would you not be? Couples are in pictures together all the time. The picture game is something my adult skids play too. They want to take gskid pics with DH and the gskid in it only, never me. DH only is called over to take a pic with the gskid and I am not included. When DH says, "Hey, wifey, come over and be in the pic." The gskid(s) are then removed by the skids or skids spouse and another relative will have to take a pic of me and DH. I might break their camera lens I guess.

The way I look at it is they have never acknowledged anything that has happened in Dh's life that included me, or any events in my life. So, I don't care if they have a hundred babies.They will keep excluding me as a member of their extended family. Now, DH no longer cares or says he no longer cares, as he has witnessed their exclusion games and has no respect for them, nevermind the adult skids treat DH with total disrespect. When DH didn't attend any of the Xmas events that included skids and gskids like he was told to do by the skids and some relatives, not one of those skids or gskids called him on Thanksgiving, his birthday, Xmas or New Years. Just one of the mean games they play to show DH they are mad he did not attend and buy gifts for gskids. They only contact DH when they want him alone without his wife, to attend a gskid birthday, christening, see a new gskid baby, etc. What the skids do not seem to realize is they have ruined their relationship with DH by playing the exlcusion games.

Why is strange is that my family welcomed DH with arms, and even though DH is not a blood relative, he is considered part of our family and is never excluded from pics, parties, events and the like. The way we look at it as that it works both ways and too bad for mean, disresptful skids who lost out on many years of family fun with DH and I.

wonderingifitsworthit's picture

Wow, it's encouraging (and also really sad) to hear your story, because so many elements match mine. I can EASILY imagine not being asked to be in the photos. And like your family, mine has accepted DH entirely. In fact my niece and nephew adore him.

So I take it you don't attend the family events anymore. Does some part of you feel sad about that, or did they kill the good feelings by being so crappy for so many years?

I wish I could say my husband would notice mean and exclusionary behavior and react by refusing to be party to it, but not a chance. SD is his only child and she's got him in the palm of her hand. I'm the one who will have to make the tough choices here and go it alone.

ldvilen's picture

See, this is something no one other than a SP would ever, ever realize. Most keep saying it is five minutes here and five minutes there, and just suck it up and take it. What they are not seeing (or don't want to see) is that 1) these five, 10, 15, 30 minutes here and there add up quickly, and 2) just like you said: This is your spouse and someone you are married to. What if you have no children of your own, so to speak. "I am 49, childless, and facing a midlife crisis. I'm sick at the thought of spending the rest of my husband's lifetime in the role of second-class citizen. . . ." Here you are, married to your DH, and the closest thing you have to a child (not counting fur babies) is your step-children. So, first of all, there is not much give and take between you and your husband, because if anyone is going to be the "give" partner, it is going to be you. You are expected to make allowances for your DH's behavior, you are expected to make allowances for his children, you are expected to make allowances for BM or your DH's inlaws who are still enmeshed. What allowances is your DH going to be making for you? He doesn't have to worry about sucking it up and taking it for your children and your biases towards them, and he doesn't have to deal with an ex- at all, whether you had one or not, because ex's pretty much become meaningless if there are no children involved.

All you have is your DH. Then, you get people who act like only the first marriage matters. Well, it may be your DH's second or third or ? marriage. But, what if it is your first marriage? This is my case. No children of my own, my first marriage. BUT, I am still considered worthless because I'm a SM and my husband was previously married. Yep, I'm basically as white as snow, when it comes to the marriage department, but somehow I'm still expected to know that whenever DH and his ex- and/or children are around, I'm supposed to run for the hills and act invisible. There are a couple of posters here who act like, Hey!, if it is your 2nd marriage, what do you expect? But, like many SMs, this is my first marriage. Do they really think I'm supposed to pay the ultimate price and give up my one marriage, my one husband for someone else's divorce/mess-up? Yep! They do.

So, yeah, you find yourself around age 50 thinking, shiatsu, my DH and I may love each other, but whenever his kids (or Gkids) are around, all that serves for me is a reminder of what an Offred this family sees me as. And, in the back of your mind you even find yourself thinking that once you lose your DH/your love of your life, his children, his -ex are all going to circling around like vultures, going out of their way to make your life miserable. That is going to be their big THANK YOU to you for taking care of their father and providing him with love and comfort for most of his adult life. Somewhere along the way these kids got the message from BM, counselors, friends who have SPs, dad, media and so on that the best way to deal with mom and dad's divorce is to go after SM with a vengeance.

For me, that is why I don't plan on doing much with my DH whenever his ex- or children or Gkids are around. I don't want that reminder around of 1) What a worthless !@#$!@#$ I am just for marrying their father, and 2) What I stupidly gave up without even realizing it when I married my DH. Yes, sometimes I don't know whom I'm more angry at--my DH for not getting it or at myself, for being stupid enough to think that people in America would view my marriage equally to any other marriage in this country. They do not. I joke with myself sometimes that after my DH passes, I should send a bill to his "real" family for all I've done for him throughout the years and how well I've taken care of him FOR THEM. That's the best SMs are seen as, and not just by SKs or BMs either: Handmaid/servants that provide pops with whatever he needs in terms of nourishment, care, $$ or sex. And, they are supposed to do it all for free! And, then, once pops passes away, all that is remaining of his funds is supposed to unquestionably go to the children or BM. Yuck! :sick: , is all I can say.

Anyway, I agree. "What the skids do not seem to realize is they have ruined their relationship with DH by playing the exclusion games." I remember one SK going on and on once with this SM about, "they don't have to have a relationship with you." And, then the SM thanked her and said, "You know. You did me the best favor, because if they don't have to have a relationship with me, then I don't have to have a relationship with them." For some SPs, it seems once they realize that and grasp that and live that, sometimes there is a separate peace. That's the way I'm hoping to go.

Recipient of marginal civility and polite disdain's picture

Dear Idvilen,

What you wrote is me 100%.  I have no kids and am wife #4. I dread the day SS (aka sonny boy) has kids, for I will go from being put on the back burner, to being kicked under the stove.  Due to the fact that SS and his lovely new wife who is just like him ignore me, and have since day 1, I know things will only get worse.  The only time SS speaks is when daddy is in the room.ditto his brand new starter wife. Although she now wants to be chums it seems since she is now a "family member". It makes me ill! They have played this games twelve years now almost, come December.

The picture you paint is exactly as I see it being for me. just exactly as you say. And, if that is how it is, then so be it. I will work my life around DH and hope he doesn't spend all of his time with the spawn of the devil once they are hatched.  No doubt his beloved only golden holy sun will turn them against me while they are still in the oven.

I have detached myself from ss and his new bride other than being civil to them in front of DH, and treat them with the same polite disdain the hand out to me, and DH lets it go over his head, either he is oblivious to it, or he just does not care. In the eyes of DH ss sh!@s miracles. In my eyes, he does NOT.  

notasm3's picture

I have a totally different reaction to all of this.  I am DH's 3rd wife - his only children were from his first marriage. The elder one is deceased so I never met him.  YSS was in his early 20s when I met DH so I never knew him as a child.

SS33 is a mess - alcohol, drugs, no education, often jobless and homeless etc.  Went thru many skanky GFs with him.  When he met up with his current GF (AKA Babymamma) I had no desire to meet her as his previous GFs were such trash.  Not that I ever rejected her.  I just didn't care if I ever met her.

She is light years better than the other GFs.  She has an education, a job, and a home (bought by her mother) and a car.  She's still an entitled little bitch, but I knew none of that when they got together.

They would come over to see DH in the parking lot, but never come inside to meet me. When she got knocked up I was not invited to any of her baby showers (multiple) nor was I ever once invited to their home even to meet the baby. 

I have never felt any connection to the child.  But I have not seen him in over a year after SS and babymamma violated my home by camping out here (and emptying 5 1.7 litres bottles of booze) while we were on vacation.  At this point I honestly do not care if any of them are dead or alive.

I've made it clear to my DH that I know that he loves his son - and that he is free to see him as he wants - but to never bring him around me again.  Miss Babymamma is pissed that she no longer has access to my lake home or vacation home so she is withholding the baby as a weapon.These are my properties that I bought before I ever met DH.  He has no ownership of these properties.  They are mine and I do not allow aholes to use them.

Can I tell you how much I do not give a shit about DH's grandchild?  I do not wish that poor child anything bad.  I feel sorry for him that he has such worthless parents - but there are millions of children out there in bad circumstances.  He's just one of many.

I have no childen so of course have no grandchildren.  But I do not at all feel excluded because I am not "grandma" to my husband's grandchild.  Just like my name is not a SM - I am also not a grandma to SS33's spawn.