SD TELLS ME I LOVE YOU BUT I DONT FEEL THE SAME
i think my 3 year old sd is having major issue. Her mother started a new job 3 weeks ago and she is never able to see her or pickup.dropoff to school. On her days of (sunday), she doesnt come to get her. She sort of letting go but doesnt want to be obvious. Lately, the 3 year old has been saying I love you to me and her dad like every other hour. If she gets in trouble, she says I love you, If she feels her dad will yell, she says I love you. Im trying to understand why she keeps on telling me i love you and not asking to call her mom to tell her. the other day she asked her dad how come she doesnt go to mommy house, he ignored her, because he didnt want to say because mommy doesnt want you there.. how to handle this. I really dont have those strong love feelinsg for her, I have 2 of my own that I really have all the love for. I care about her and really saddened by her mothers apathy, but its hard. I mean everytime she says it , i say it but i dont really mean it.
I know how you feel
I have 2 skids and i care about them...but i know i dont have the kind of love their parents have. It is just the way it is. I think it takes time to love them. I have only been with them for 2 plus years.
my suggestions
I agree that SD is concerned about her place in your world. When she tells you she loves you, I would respond with something like - I care about you or you are special to me or something that will assure her she is cared for and wanted. As far as BM not wanting her around, I would tell her that her mom is very busy right now or she is at work. At three, they can be easily diverted and distracted. Its like when I child asks how babies are made - depending on the age you can get away with very little information - babies are made with love, etc...
I feel the same way. I have
I feel the same way. I have been in my SD life for the last 2-3 years and I don't 100% love her. My husband and I have 2 girls together and there mine and came from me so I love them more than anything. I care for my SD but not the way I should. My SD is kind of evil and is to much like her crazy insest mom for me ever get to that love stage. My SD Tells us she loves us 20X's a day so I know how you feel. It gets really annoying and most of the time I start doing something so I don't have to respond to her. It kills me to choke up an I Love you.
WOWW...
we have mirror lives....it gets really annoyin and i do feel like i have to choke up "love u 2"....and she does it in front of dh, so its like i cant really ignore her...
yesterday dh had a talk with bm and bm told her even if she gets a new job she will never be able to pick her up by 6...its getting ridiculous now...BM doesnt want to be bothered with SD (pick up or drop off)
MY DH HAD A TALK WITH BM
MY DH HAD A TALK WITH BM ABOUT BEING ABLE TO PICKUP THEIR DAUGHTER. BM WORKS AT HOME DEPOT WITH A VERY INFLEXIBLE SCHEDULE. MOST DAYS SHE GETS OFF AT 9 , BUT THEIR DAUGHTER HAS TO BE PICKED UP BY 6. SOMETIMES DH HAS TO WORK OVERTIME SO HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO NOW THAT SHE CAN NEVER PICK HER UP. LAST NIGHT HE SPOKE TO HER ABOUT FINDING A BETTER JOB WITH A FLEXIBLE SCHEDULE THAT SUITS THEIR DAUGHTERS PICKUP/DROP OFF AT DAYCARE. BM TOLD HIM THAT EVEN IF SHE FINDS A NEW JOB SHE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE IT TO PICK HER UP BY 6. HE HUNG UP ON HER AND DECIDED TO TAKE HER TO COURT. IS THIS A CLEAR SIGN THAT SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH HER DAUGHTER? OR SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE INCONVENIENCED BY RUSHING TO PICK HER UP EVERYDAY. I DO IT FOR MY 7 YEAR OLD AND 6 MONTH OLD. I DONT SEE WHATS SO HARD IN TRYING TO ESTABLISH A SCHEDULE WITH YOUR EMPLOYER SO YOUR DAUGHTER CAN BE IN YOUR LIFE. THE ONLY DAY OFF IS SUNDAY, BUT SHE NEVER SHOWS UP.
what?
You ignore your step-children? I'm sorry, but you'll have to excuse me when I say that's rotten. Did you know know what you signed up for when you married your current husband? Marriage to a person is marriage to everything about them, their good qualities and their faults. It's okay to ignore the minor faults but I would hardly consider a human being a fault! I have been the mother of my "step" daughter for over 2 years now and the love I feel for her is so amazing! It was not easy and it did not come automatically. I had to really work to bond with her! And there's nothing wrong with that, but it has to be done. Whoever said you marry the person, not their family is dead wrong! You need to do your very best to embrace your stepchildren and have a quality relationship with them. Especially if their mother is wacked, then, don't you think they need a REAL mother in their life? You have the ability to do that! If you do not, the kids are going to grow up with the evil step mother image, become bitter, angry, and probably go off the deep end! PLEASE! Take the steps to bond with your step-children so that if nothing else, you can look at their lives, and however they turn you, you can honestly say that you did the very best that you could. I keep a step-parenting tips blog and the next post I am going to do in september will be ideas for bonding with your step-children, and as a family unit. Please check it out so you can improve your entire family! parentingwithoutthestep.blogspot.com
WOW
Thats crazy!!
I must be lucky and maybe its just my situation but i love my ss2 and ss3 to pieces, maybe cuz i raised them since ss2 was born, and they call me mommy, but i could not picture life with out them!! Yes BM showed about 7 months ago after being absent for 2 years but my feelings for them never changed, she causes ALOT of drama but its never changed a thing!! I still feel as blessed then as i do now
thank you!
Finally, a person on here who actually LOVES their step-kids! I have raised my "step"daughter (we don't use that word) for two years and I love her like nothing else. She makes me so happy on a daily basis by all of the little things she does. And when she comes to me and says, "You're the best mommy I ever had," oh come on! Doesn't that just make your heart melt? Now of course, her more than wonderful mother passed away when she was only a baby, so she doesn't remember having a mother other than myself, so sometimes I do feel guilty about that one. But I think her mother would understand! Besides, it's nice to reap the reward of all of the love and effort I have put into trying to be a mother to her. Hey, I've started a step-parenting blog to help people like us out a little. It sounds like I could use your help as well! Visit and post your comments for me! The post I will have in Sept. will be suggestions on bonding with your step-kids and as a blended family. parentingwithoutthestep.blogspot.com
Excuse me but
It is a different situation when the child's mother has died and there is no other woman/party around undermining your role as a stepmom and wife. Little children you get to raise as their 'mother' from early childhood are also a little easier to deal with, before they become Teenage stepchildren.
I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but what info you have given so far sounds like you are here solely to toot your own horn and advertise your blog. Don't be so sure and remember, Pride goeth before a fall.
Please don't judge anyone here until you have walked a mile, or maybe I should say 10,000 miles, in their shoes. It is great that you have a good relationship with your daughter, but not everyone is as blessed as you are at this point!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Rejecting her daughter
That why I think you sd is like that. Maybe she feels that you both will do the same to her.
Poor girl at the end of the day it don't matter if you dp takes her to court she don't seem to be bothered with her dd. I don't think you have to love but do you like her or care for her?
To be honest I think she will be with you for a long.
Look
I think people give way too much credit to how they feel. It's not that feelings aren't important. Feelings are a good indicator of what is right & wrong. The reason you're not feeling the love for this child is because you didn't give birth to her. That's not your fault. That child's mother is still on this earth too, & you don't want to take her away from her mother. That's understandable. It's her mother that isn't doing what is right & that's why you feel the way you do. But take a good look at that little girl. She's too young to understand what is going on & she's scared, so she's desperately clinging to what she has left. She needs to understand that you guys won't abandon her too.
What really matters is that you DO the right thing. Your feelings will eventually line up.
Words
My SD told me this from the start, while it took me a while. Of course she was just 9 and from a different background. The words I love you are thrown around in BM's family more often than Hello and Goodbye. They say it to the mailman, the neighbors, etc., ok I am exaggerating.
But they say it to a LOT of people just that I have heard, in the few interactions I have seen. Then do things that are directly in opposition to that, and not loving to me, IMO. It just seems phony and superficial and a show, like a ritual that must be done, to remind you of your 'allegiance' somehow. I don't think it means the same thing to them as it does to me.
I don't have a problem saying this when I feel it but have felt pressured sometimes to say it back, but I do say it back. In my family we just saved it more, to where it has more meaning in my opinion, and did not include it in every conversation. Now if every conversation calls for it that is one thing and is fantastic! But to me love is shown thru your actions, more than just said.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin