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How Do You Deal with Unfair Judgement from SO's Family on Your Stepparenting?

sunshinex's picture

So BM lives about 5 hours away. We have SD full-time, with the odd occasion of her visiting her mom. Last week was march break, and normally, we meet halfway for pickup/dropoff when she goes (SO doesn't have a license but I do), but we let BM know ahead of time that we would be able to meet halfway for pickup but she would have to bring her back the full way for dropoff. This was agreed upon. (The plan was made because my work schedule has been insane the past two weeks, and because I'm running a company, I NEED to work a lot more than an employee would).

Fast forward to the end of her visit when SD was supposed to come home, BM changes the plans and says she can't drive the whole way we need to meet halfway. I said no, not happening, I have obligations and deadlines I can't go back on. Now SD is in kindergarten so she needed to be back that day but since i'm the only driver, it wasn't going to happen. We told her to wait until next weekend and I'd make time to meet halfway.

SO's family found out and lost it - saying my priorities are way off and as a SM, she needs to come first and work can wait, she needs to be in school, etc etc. BM ended up driving her to a relatives about halfway and that relative drove her home, but everyone in his family is angry at us, and mainly me, for choosing to follow through on work priorities instead of dropping everything to make sure SD was home for school the next day.

Don't get me wrong, school is important, but it's kindergarten vs. my career. Also, I ALWAYS help with pickup/dropoff despite my busy schedule! I don't feel it's my obligation I do it to help, and I'm so incredibly bothered by the judgement and assumption that dropping everything for SD is more important than MY life, career, or schedule.

My SO agrees with me and knows i'm doing more than my fair share seeing as he doesn't drive, but still. It's bothering me to the point of wondering whether this relationship will work out. I don't need continuous judgement and I sure as hell won't put BM/SDs schedules above mine.

I guess this is more of a rant than anything, but how do you deal with judgement from SO's family?

sunshinex's picture

He knows that, it's his family that doesn't. He actually went as far as to say I'm not a servant he can't make me drive/do things on command, to which one of his family members said "actually you can. if she is to be her stepmom, she needs to share in ALL parenting responsibilities."

I wish he would speak up... we're not sharing responsibilities here, I'm the only one who drives, so it's me being expected to take ON that responsibility, not share it.

LikeMinded's picture

Sounds like my situation. My MIL really wants me to act like my two SS's mom, because she thinks that's my responsibility and she hates BM (well BM is nuts, so that's understandable). But... I get along with my SKIDS precisely because I've never tried to replace their mom.

I jumped in and took too much responsiblity when DH and I first moved in together. I also have a demanding career, and 2 kids of my own... but I was doing drop offs, dealing with lawyers and custody battles, and crazy BM stuff. Plus, I was at school functions... it was too much, I ended up exhausted.

Meanwhile, all I got from MIL was criticism (you can read my situation in my blog).

So I ended up on this forum, thinking I had to disengage from my skids... but what ended up happening is I realized I had to disengage from MIL and FIL and BM and her SO. That made life a LOT easier. So, even though I do go to family functions and I am polite, I don't deal with any of these people, DH has to handle them all. If MIL calls me, I say oops, I'm driving, here, talk to DH. Or I let it ring and let DH call her back.

This has been a HUGE relief.

Also, I learned on this board that as a SM, my job is to ASSIST DH, not lead when it comes to the SKIDS. So I'ved pulled back, and am doing a lot less for the SKIDS. I let DH handle everything, unless he's swamped, and then I help out.

I was so exhausted, that this was necessary.

Everyone's siituation is different, but this is what worked for me. My relationship with my SKIDS has improved.

I'd say, pull back as much as you need to. Don't worry about what other's think. You and your DH need to find a balance that works for you.

Why are you doing the exchanges?

Amcc13's picture

i think what I always say is 'how would this be managed if I wasn't here?'
So if you weren't there then how would he get kid and pick up kid???

If it is that family would help then they need to start doing so. If anything is said you can say ' I am not a Slave and I am not her mother. She has a mother and father . I am more than happy to help out but not when I get treated poorly as thsnks'

Then leave them to it. You had a plan in place. She broke it. You were an adult with other commitments. You did the right thing. From now on, let your partner find pick up and drop off lifts and only help when it suits.

sunshinex's picture

There is no particular reason he doesn't have a license, that's the funny thing. I've been bugging him to get it for over a year now but he's a procrastinator. I don't drive SD anywhere. About 6 months ago I put a stop to it and told him to bus, take a cab, or walk whenever she needs to get to school, daycare, anywhere. But I do help with pickup/dropoff because otherwise, we would have SD 365 days a year. I like when she goes away for a week or two Smile

But I've decided not to do that anymore, as well. BM will have to figure it out, and if SO wants to avoid a huge fight with his family about withholding SD from BM, he will have to figure it out with BM. I just hate that his family is judging ME instead of the two adults who made a baby without having the ability to drive that child anywhere lol.

hereiam's picture

I have never given a rat's ass what DH's family (or mine) think about my step parenting, it's absolutely NONE of their business.

I would tell your SO's family, that anytime they would like to step in and do what they think is right (like all of the driving for your SO), they should do so or shut up.

Why does your SO STILL not have his DL?

You have had constant issues with this guy, the BM, and what everybody else thinks is your responsibility regarding this little girl. Is this really what (who) you want?

Stepped in what momma's picture

I would ask your SO's mother why the hell her little boy doesn't get a drivers license to drive his OWN child around. Then I would give her my special finger, you know, the one I reserve to let people know they are #1, lol.

After getting divorced I could care two shits about what my SO family thinks about me, life is too short for that.

sunshinex's picture

Ugh that's part of the problem, literally none of his family drives. All of the people judging don't have licenses, despite being much older than me. At 21 I've driven him, his child, his mom, etc. places because they don't drive :/

still learning's picture

Your SO doesn't drive?! You're doing all the driving for HIS kid... Whatever would your poor man child do without you?

Woman up, stop this enabling nonsense.

momjeans's picture

"How do you deal with unfair judgement from DHs family?"

I don't. Or, at least, I don't anymore. I disengaged a few months ago from my in-laws because of their inflated "bonus mom" views/wishes.

I took a lot of advice that I should just sit back and allow my husband to be the one to address them since they're his parents, blah blah blah. Nothing changed. Either he wasn't getting through to them or was even saying anything at all. Finally I said something. It wasn't received too well, but at least my husband stood by me and backed everything I said. I set things straight and clear that it was none of their concern regarding my role as step-parent (I'm disengaged, btw), that their snowflake granddaughter wasn't my priority and I wasn't a glorified nanny. This hurt their feels, big time, to the point of friction, but I could care less at this point.

happystepmum's picture

I would tell the inlaws to butt the f out and mind their own damn business. If they're so worried about it THEY can pick up the kid.

They don't get a vote.

ExArmydad's picture

Wow, so many topics on this site hit close to home.

DW was given a lecture by her mother about my parenting style and how she didn't agree with it. Said that I'm way too hard on SD and that I shouldn't say the things I do to her. DW wasn't impressed and snapped back in my defense. I was so proud of her when she told me because she never stands her ground with her family.

I'm slowly getting her to push back and teach her to set boundaries with them. What happens in our home and how we parent our kids is none of their business.

If we were in your situation, the MIL would have brought us the kid and has several times because the bio dad sucked at life.