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Cutting (LONG)

DarkStar's picture

I can’t believe I was so DUMB and didn’t catch onto this.  SD15 has been caught cutting twice.  I don’t underestimate how hard it is being a teenager in this day and age, but this little girl has EVERYTHING she needs and almost EVERYTHING she wants so it REALLY pisses me off that she’s doing this.  Poor little white-upper-middle-class-suburbian teenager.  She has it sooooooooo rough.  I met one of my skids’ cousins’ friends last summer that had a whole host of scars on her upper thighs……her stepdad had molested her for years and was currently in prison, finally.  Now THAT poor little girl has some major issues, not that cutting is acceptable, but more understandable, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

So things have been uneventful for almost a year….until she starts flunking 3 classes and FDH starts coming down on her for her grades.  No electronics, homework at the dining room table with Chromebook FACING us so she can’t do that cute trick of watching videos then switching screens when one of us walks by.  So apparently, she was just soooooooooo TRAUMATIZED by all that.

A few weeks ago, BM was picking up kids at the house, they usually drive halfway (2 hour round trip) to meet up for pickup/dropoff, but BM was in town for something so she picked them up at our house.   It has been a very hot, humid, early summer for us.  Weather you can wear, if you’ve heard the phrase.  So SD15 comes down in jeans and a sweatshirt.  She’s been wearing winter gear when it’s hot, but won’t wear a coat in the winter, so I don’t think much about it and what do I care if she sweats, right?  Well, I just couldn’t take it anymore and told her to go up and change.  She comes down with a long sleeved flannel shirt on.  I give THE LOOK, and she huffs and puffs and stomps back upstairs.  And comes back down in a tank top……with a hoodie.  I give up.

FDH gets a text later that evening.  BM and SF were going to take the skids out for ice cream, they had been outside playing around.  It was obvious that SD15 was very hot and very sweaty with her hoodie sweatshirt, so they told her to take it off, she refused.  They said no ice cream if you don’t, and she said, fine, no ice cream.  Then SF, of all people, was the one that finally realized she was hiding something and sure enough, she’s CUTTING again.  This is the 3rd time.  What is FDH doing?  The same thing he did the first 2 times.  NOTHING.  Oh he took her razors, scissors, and all sharp objects out of her room, and I packed up all of her winter clothes, per FDH, “if she wants to cut, she’s not hiding it.”

While I was going through her dresser drawers, I found a journal and YES, I thumbed through it.  Privacy is earned and MissCutsALot deserves NONE right now and if she’s writing about self-harm, her parents have every right to know about it.  I took screen shots of the journal (FDH doesn’t know this) because I think I’m going to need to bust them out in the future as a reminder when he buries his head in the sand again.  Among other things……”Am I even worth loving?  Am I worth anything?  I’m an awful person, I’m not smart, I can’t do anything right, I can’t even get my life straight.  I’m so stupid for thinking that anyone cares about me.”……..”Why am I so bad at life?  Why am I sensitive?  Why do I want to cry all the time?  I’m so useless, I can’t do anything, I’m lazy, dumb, and I’m a nobody.  I’m weak and pathetic.  Why can’t I just sleep and never wake up?”…….”I hate myself.  I can’t be fixed and I can’t even accept help that is given to me either.  I’m so stupid.  I want to die.  Why can’t I be dead already?  Why does life have to haunt me so much?”……”I’m so selfish.  I hate myself so very much.  Why was I even born?  I have no purpose.  I’m a nobody.  I hate life.  I cut leg or arm.  No more room on left arm.  Cutting distracts you from the pain, or sometimes actually makes you feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING.  Can’t they see that I need help?”  My heart SANK as I read this and much more.  I felt AWFUL about being angry at her for cutting, but I’m still angry at her, if that makes any sense.  These journal entries were from 2017, BTW......so they aren't extremely recent, not that it really matters.

And before y’all start……..I HAVE mentioned therapy, I HAVE talked until I’m blue in the face that suicide talk deserves a trip to the ER and a 72 hour hold.  I am just the lowly soon-to-be SM and I can do NOTHING.

Comments

DarkStar's picture

And this is his M.O.

I never even considered molestation, but I really don't think that's it.  There was no mention of it in her journal.  I don't honestly know WHY he doesn't do anything about it.  To be fair, he did get her into counseling at school and another place.  SD refused to go to her school counselor appointments, and the other place never returned phone calls so I think FDH kind of gave up.

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

My older sister cut for a while... I didn't even know until years later. You have to know I've ALWAYS looked up to my older sister. She was the perfect child I couldn't ever live up to in my eyes. But instead of resenting her, I used that to compete with her. To this day I'll still call her over anyone else if I need advice.

You NEVER would have guessed that she cut, but she was depressed. She described it to me as it really did make her feel better, cutting kept her from suicide. We were middle class, she was the perfect kid to my parents, it wasn't because of anyone on the outside, it was how she was internally. It wasn't something she could escape and the cutting gave her a kind of adrenaline sort of feel. It helps release basically happy endorphines.

Basically what I'm saying is, it's not always the outer environment that contributes to this type of issue, sometimes it's a completely internal war. Your SD needs help. Emotional health, therapy, and any threat of suicide needs to be taken completely seriously. Don't baby her too far either (that can be dangerous as well). But if she's cutting there really may be something going on mentally and emotionally and it's possible something did happen that she's not willing to come foreward about.

You need to have a serious talk with your SO about everything. Ask him point blank what he thinks is too far, and what he's going to do if SD passes that threshhold or goes too far to ever come back. If she's threatened it, she may be reaching out for help (in a twisted way, I know).

It's a tough situation for all parties involved... She needs help.

DarkStar's picture

Probably....I like your idea of asking him what he thinks is too far and what he would do if it gets there.  Unfortunately there is no calm discussion when it comes to this.  No matter my tone, my words, DaddyDefensive IMMEDIATELY gets his hackles up and any discussion about this leads to an argument.  We have both been very busy this last month or so and whatever free time we have I don't really feel like turning into arguing.  So basically, I need to plan a time when I want to have a big fight with my FDH to talk about this.  Sad

 

DarkStar's picture

You would think I'd be more sympathetic to her situation, because I am on Zoloft, have been for many years, and will probably be on it the rest of my life.  My Dad has suffered from severe depression, also, throughout his adult years.  Y'all are so right.....it has NOTHING to do with how great things are externally, it's the internal war that is first and foremost. 

When I was at my worst, before I got help, I COULDN'T get out of bed.  How do you describe this to anyone?  I had a job, responsibilites, who else but a lazy-good-for-nothing can't get out of bed????  It was absolutely crippling.  So why is it that I can't have empathy for SD?

 

MidwestMrs's picture

Being seen as perfect - yes, can be a cutter.  I thought that becasue I THOUGHT bad things I was a bad person. So I cut. You don't have to be abused to be a cutter. Your life can look perfect to everyone and things are going good and you are a cutter.

 

I was a cutter. There are times I have to fight very hard to NOT cut anymore. She needs therapy to help her find out WHY she's cutting.

moving_on_again's picture

I was a cutter. Not nearly to the extent that it sounds like SD is. My dad told me he wished they could have afforded therapy for me but they were really poor. I ended up going to therapy when I was about 18-19 and most of my issues stemmed from not thinking my mom loved me. She is not someone who shows affection. The therapist made me take my mom with me to an appointment and my mom yelled at me, "You know I love you!" LOL. Anyway, I had a pretty good life growing up, I really think it was just adjusting to puberty and hormones. I don't take antidepressants but I do take anxiety medication. 

I really don't know how to explain it but cutting does make you feel better. 

DarkStar's picture

MidwestMrs.....were you in high school when you were cutting?  Did you parents find out?  Did/how did you get into therapy?  Why do you still feel the need to cut? 

I understand these are DEEPLY personal questions, but I am truly, truly trying to find a way to empathize and help my SD.

MidwestMrs's picture

I was cutting from high school into my 30s. My parents never found out - my husband did. He convinced me to go. 

 

WHY? Why does alcoholic want to drink? Why does a bilimec want to purge? Its always there. In my mind.

--figureditout--'s picture

I am an alcoholic. I drank because I did not like myself. It's an ongoing process, but I have found other outlets to change myself.

MidwestMrs's picture

I'm so sorry - I meant no disrespect. I said it quite poorly. What I meant was, the alcoholics I know constantly fight wanting to drink. The bilimecs I know constanly fight wanting to purge. I fight almost every day wantint to cut.

Harry's picture

You must make her go for help.  You can’t let this go on.  !!!!!!!!!!!

--figureditout--'s picture

My SD was a cutter. When all of the Sharp instruments were locked away, she resorted to burning. As far as we know, she did not experience any sexual trauma; she is bipolar.

Self injury is not something to ignore. This kid needs help. Call child services if the parents won't get her help.

 

Ispofacto's picture

The French call it ennui, Americans call it dysphoria.  It's on the rise, and I think there's a good reason.

Ever heard of Maslow's Hierachy of Needs?  You don't see people who are stuggling to live having these types of thoughts.  People who are well fed and pampered have lots of time to sit around thinking about how depressed they are.  IMO, having a purpose in life and learning to be good at something leads to fullfillment, self-esteem, and not having time to ruminate.  She needs to get a job.

Saint_Gus's picture

I think you most likely nailed it. I struggle with depression. Its truly a chemical imbalance. I can feel it coming on, its so different from just being angry or sad. I'm not on meds because i can't deal with side effects. For me its about just getting going and getting busy. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, an object in motion tends to stay in motion. I have to just force myself through the movements. Fake it til you make it kind of thing. Its hard. 

Ispofacto's picture

Same here, it's really hard.  Exercise, diet, and spending time outdoors helps too.  Evolutionarily speaking, people weren't designed to spend all their time indoors being idle.  Out of millions of years, it's only been about the last 100 years or so that we've been prosperous enough to lay around and complain.

People have to take responsibility for managing their own mental health, no one can do it for them.

They have a saying in AA, "When I got busy, I got better."

People need to have a passion for something outside of themselves.  They need to take an interest in the world around them.  Some people are just too self-involved.

Coco72's picture

My daughter cut when she was around 16, it was devastating to me as a mom, and I felt incredibly guilty. We found out because her sister walked into the bathroom, she thought younger sister was in the shower already, she wasn't and older sister saw hundreds of cuts, scars on her thighs. She came and told me, I was mortified when I saw her legs. I went through her room, found bloody napkins, towels, and lots of razors, I took everything. If she wanted to shave her legs she had to check out the razor and give it right back, everything sharp was locked up. At the time I worked at a mental health facility, I spoke to the child psychologist and a therapist, she wasn't suicidal, she was emotionally in pain. I found her kinda like a sponsor, someone just a few years older than her, that also had cut, that she could reach out to if she needed. Two other things were recommended and seemed to help as well, she wore a hair tie/rubber band on her wrist, and when she felt the urge to cut she would snap the rubber band on her skin, it stung which gave her a similar sensation to the cutting, the other thing she did was she used a red marker to make "cut" marks on her thighs. She also saw a therapist.

From the outside my daughter looked perfect, she was very popular, she was athletic, homecoming queen, no significant trauma in her life. But she was struggling inside. She still occasionally sees a therapist, but hasn't cut in over 5 years. 

WarMachine13's picture

I know I'm a guy but I was a cutter. I didn't do it because I was bored.

Sometimes I cut because I didn't like myself.
Sometimes I cut because I was so numb with pain and grief that I wanted to FEEL something.
Sometimes I cut because I wanted attention.

I had a crap childhood and crap parents.

MidwestMrs's picture

I hear you - I wasn't bored either. I started working at 16, was a pretty good student, and had plenty of things that kept me busy.