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Getting worse... if that was possible

anonymous1306's picture

Basically over the whole pandemic issue, and her biological mum working from home and her spending 6 weeks solid with her mum (who has mental health issues and is an absolutely psychopath) my partners daughters behaviour has gotten worse. It's always been pretty bad with attitude and tantrums and kicking off and entitlement but her tantrums have now taken to kicking out at us. Normally when we go to put her on the naughty step she'd lash out but to stop us getting her not directly to kick/hit us. My partner is constantly empty threats and ultimately her attitude has gotten worse. She speaks like 'get me a drink' always forgetting her 'can you get me a drink please?' My partner says he doesn't want to spend his whole weekend telling her off but my argument is if he cared about her then he'd step in as a PARENT and do what the mother is lacking which is discipline. Today when she was having a tantrum because she wanted this specific toy that another child had, and then tried to snatch it which case i lowered my tone and said her name im when my partner went ' i dont need your input, your extra comment wasn't needed' - which is when i snapped that ' no cause you're clearly doing a fantastic job with her behaviour as it is'. I feel constantly on edge when she's around in public waiting for her to have a meltdown. She had a huge meltdown with my in a shop and i felt absolutely embarrassed as everyone was looking at me - i wish i had a massive flashing sign saying 'NOT MINE!'. I've put the hard work in with my daughter and i never have any bad behaviour from her (dont get me wrong, she's not perfect but her behaviour is spot on - and i was a single parent for most of her life so that single mum excuse doesn't work for my partners child's mum). He even said the other day just giving her what she wants that when i said to him not to do it he went 'i cant be bothered to get into it with her' so if he cant be bothered to get into it, how can he say that her mum isnt doing what she should in regards to discipline if he cant be bothered either? I worry that the minute she goes to hit my daughter, i'll lose my rag with her and my partner won't like it. I would never hurt her in anyway as i don't agree with it but i would go absolutely ballistic if she started being physical towards my daughter. I know what the kids needs to stop being a brat, but how can the parents not see it? I would be able to see if my daughter needed guidance in areas and i would work on it. I'm having to deal with a child who is everything i've made sure my daughter isn't. I don't know what else to do when my partner doesn't see his 'angel' daughter does anything wrong. Does anyone have any tips on how i can approach my partner to see it from my point or even tips on what to do when a child starts hitting out? 

SteppedOut's picture

Good luck! Your partner likely will not change...not impossible, but not probable. You will probably have to be ready to leave (and really mean it!) in order to get him to change - but don't count on it!

I saw in your profile his daughter is 3...  you have a long and terrible road ahead of you. Are you sure you want to live that life (and have your daughter live that life!)?


Rags's picture

Naughty step, hitting and kicking at you and her father?  No mystery on the problem here.

When she hits at you or dad, smack her sharply on the back of the hand. When she kicks at you or dad, smack her smartly on the bare leg.  Follow each correction with a stern comment addressing the infraction.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

If she ever physically attacks your daughter, show your daughter how to make the Skid learn immediately that her decision to attack your daughter was a poor and extremely painful choice.

My SS-27 was a calm, sweet and totally non confrontational little boy.  When he started Kindergarten there was a 4th grade boy on the bus who targeted my son and eventually when SS was in 1st grade would choke my son from the seat behind my son.  SS came home one day with bruises on his neck.  It took a while to coax what had happened out of my son.  We called the school and the school district to tune the teachers, administrators, bus drivers and transportation supervisor on what was happening and to make it perfectly clear that it was their job to protect my kid. We also made it clear that if they didn't that we would.

So.... a few weeks later my SS came home with bruises on his neck again.  So, I taught him how to make sure it never happened again.  I sat in a dining chair and had my SS stand behind me and then try to choke me.  As he attempted to choke me I reached behind me and grabbed his Rt ear and tugged on it showing SS that he could not move any more if I did not let his ear go, I then showed him that if I pulled him towards me as I moved my head back that his face would touch the back of my head.  I then told him that if if I wanted to I could tear his ear off of the side of his head.  We talked about it regularly and practiced it with me sitting behind him and emulated choking him then guided him in how to respond.

A couple weeks after that SS gets off of the bus and is upset but not hurt. He had blood on the back of his shirt and fresh bruises on his neck.   The 5th grader had started choking him and SS grabbed his Rt ear, latched on and did was we had practiced.  SS partially severed the kid's ear from his head.   We got calls from the school, I vectored them to our attorney who let them know that if they did not fix it that the courts would.  A couple of evenings later there was a knock at our door.  Our neighbor from down the street was there with the hospital bill for re-attachment of his kids ear. The kid was behind the dad with a big bandage on the side of his head and two black eyes from where his face was introduced to the back of my kid's head.  I informed the dad that his hospital bill was his to pay, then I called my SS to the door to show the kid's dad the bruises on my 1st grader's neck put there by his 5th grader.

The dad shook his head then propelled his kid down the street with periodic boots to his butt.  The 5th grader never touched my kid again.  The bus driver made sure that the choker sat in the front seat next to the bus monitor.  

My point is that bullies learn only from experiencing pain far in excess of any discomfort they cause to their victims.

That your daughter is 3 years older makes physical consequences for a 3yo bully a bit complex.  You need to let your DH know that if his 3yo ever attacks your 6yo that your 6yo has been told that defending herself would not get her into trouble. My recommendation is that your 6yo just sits on the 3yo and calls for you. Under no circumstance should your daughter tolerate her StepSister hitting, kicking or otherwise attacking her.

Daddy is the root cause of the behavior of his 3yo progeny of a failed family in your home.  What BM does with the 3yo in her home is irrelevant.

If DH struggles with this simple fact, boot them both and find a man with a brain and adequate character to be a valid equity life partner for you.


Good luck.

SM12's picture

My BS was the target of a bully in Jr high.  After days of picking him up from school and having him upset I got it out of him what was going on.    The kid was bigger and a huge brat.  But he had one thing going against him and that was braces.

i told my son he had my permission to defend himself if the bully laid one finger on him.  I too had gone to the school but they were no help.   Well my BS acted as if the whole world fell off his shoulders.  He was so afraid he would get in trouble if he fought the kid he never stood up for himself.   Once he knew it was ok he was a different kid.   I even showed him a few good moves to stop the kid immediately. 
A few months later I get a call from the school that my bs was in trouble for defending himself and was getting detention.   I made sure the school knew that wasn't happening and exactly why.  I reminded them of my calls about the bully and told them I would allow my son to defend himself if they didn't step up.

My bs never did get that detention.  

Rags's picture

My own experiences as the target of bullies started in Jr. High (pre Middle School days).  My experience was very similar to your BS's.  I was attacked, I defended myself and sent one of the two attackers for facial reconstruction, they were suspended, I received no punishment.

When I was targeted, my USMC dad made sure I had adequate training to end the bullying.  He and I joined a Kung-Fu school for a year and a half.   Interestingly, my Principal called me into his office after the incident and asked me who I was.  He had my file on his desk.  He commented that I was never in any trouble, had decent grades, my teachers had all told him I was no problem at all.  He asked me to explain what had happened, which was fairly evident from my bloody knees with holes in brand new jeans, bloody palms with gravel stuck in them from where they had both jumped on my back one after the other after running across the court yard outside of the cafeteria.   After that 15mimutes in his office he told me not to worry about it, sent me to the Nurse to get cleaned up and told me to get to class.

They never even called my parents.

Kids need to know that your parents have their backs and they need to be confident in making sure they can stand up for themselves in any way the kid deems necessary in the event they are bullied.

IMHO of course.

Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner.


beebeel's picture


You do NOT smack a 3 year old, ESPECIALLY one that isn't yours.

You put them in time out. You take their toys. You turn the TV off. You don't teach them more violence. Jesus Christ. 

All 3 year olds will kick off and have a tantrum. She probably needs help with her speech/emotions if she's reacting physically when upset. 

Mommymode1985's picture

Yes I agree most tantrums at that age are due to frustration at lack of ability to communicate. Always try to calm it down before you discipline.

Mommymode1985's picture

We're supposed to love them like our own but we can't discipline them like our own? No. Disicipline means to teach. Once they're around 5 you can reason with them in limited capacity. Until then I agree with light spankings on the butt. I have no issues with loved ones correcting my children. I will smack hands or flick the cheek when my 2yr old step twins bite. Most of the time its a time out. Sometimes a sharp reminder is the ticket. I used to yell and get upset but then I reminded myself that I am the adult and I am in charge. Exercise your authority in a calm quiet manner and trust me they pick up on it. It still takes a bit to get them used to it but there's no need to get upset at children for misbehaving. Every action has a consequence. My interactions with my steps vs. My blood has made me realize the inequalities in parenting - too lax with mine and too strict with steps. I now have a very happy medium and obedient children. Don't be afraid to exercise your authority.

Mommymode1985's picture

Also I don't like hearing your husband doesn't allow you to step in and parent ... You have to discuss that with him. Again you're supposed to care for them yet you can't discipline them? Not gonna work ...