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I have never had to deal with anyone so crazy...

GMLLB's picture

Hi all, I'm new to the forum. I've read some posts and it seems as though I'm not alone in dealing with a BM with BPD/NPD. I'm so sorry to hear that others are going through this too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I am really struggling with this awful situation. We have been accused of everything under the sun (assault, harassment, child abuse, kidnapping, etc.). There is of course no merit to any of it. She has called everyone she possibly can to spew the lies that she has completely fabricated in her head: the police, children's services, my work, friends, the kids' school, SS's hockey coaches...you name it. She tries to undermine every single decision we make in our own household. She unilaterally changes the schedule and pickup/dropoff times and locations without letting anyone know so we end up driving all around the city to find the kids. She lies to them about things we have supposedly said or did. We have a strict rule in our household that we do not badmouth BM or involve the children in adult issues. She has no qualms about doing those things to us, so the kids are really only getting one side of it and it is not the side that paints us in a good light. This seriously messes with their heads. She's GREAT at playing the victim. Basically, anything - at any given time on any given day - that she can do to make our lives a living hell....she will do it. Every single decision she makes is about her and no one else, but she constantly hides behind the "best interests of the children" even when what she is doing is CLEARLY, plain as day, a detriment to them (which happens daily).

Honestly, I'm seeing a therapist now because this is so hard... Almost every day I have moments where I feel like giving up. But I love DH and the kids. I want what's best for them, even if it doesn't always feel like it's what's best for me.

Does it get better? Any tips on coping?

GMLLB's picture

I agree, as I'm reading some of these posts I could almost swear I wrote them if I didn't know better! The best case scenario would be to boot BM out of my life entirely, but she will always have an avenue to get to me through the kids.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Skids BM is like that .
~ stay calm
~ read about how to deal with high conflict personalities
~ read about parallel parenting and no/ low contact
~ disengage . Any contact that is necessary with crazy should be done by your DH , not you . Do not respond to her and have zero communication with her .
~ create a sanctuary for you. Repeat that her craziness is not your problem . You are also not responsible for the happiness of skids or how they turn out as adults .
~ get a really tight court order that governs the necessary contact re schedules , exchanges etc but your DH should do that .
And the best advice - live a good life. Take care of yourself . Spoil yourself . Living well ( and looking great ) is the best revenge Smile

GMLLB's picture

This is great advice, thank you so much. I looked into it and I really like this idea of parallel parenting! I am practicing that on my end (haven't had spoken or written communication with BM in several months) but she apparently did not get this memo, haha. She channels all of her criticism and rage towards me through the children. It's very confusing for them and frustrating when they get mad at us and defend her because all they hear is how awful we are and how much of a victim she is (I hold onto the hope that one day they will look back and be able to understand the reality a little better).

We are working on the court stuff. Seems to move at a snail's pace. Sad Do you have any tips for creating a sanctuary? Because it sounds fabulous haha. I do often feel like I need an escape sometimes but our home is the kids' primary residence so that is not always easy!

Thanks again for your feedback, it helps to hear others' perspectives.

GMLLB's picture

SD is elementary school age and SS is pre-teen.

This is where it gets a little confusing... She legally has primary physical custody (we are working on getting that changed). She basically handed the kids to us one day and said I can't do it anymore, I need a 6-month break. There are a host of other issues at play here (on her end) but I don't want to get into too much detail.

She seems to have quickly forgotten that she asked us to take primary physical custody. She reminds us constantly that she can come get them any time she wants (which is true right now) but she never shows, even missing scheduled time sometimes. She accuses us of neglecting and abusing them which she obviously knows is completely false because if she honestly believed in her own effed up head that it were true, she would come get them immediately...

It's a really bad situation to be in. We can't get to court fast enough but haven't had the best of luck with our lawyer so far.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Regarding the kids I can tell you - stay calm don't bad mouth BM , they WILL figure out the truth and who the sane one is . Always remember in the end , they are not your responsibility , do not become a martyr and leave the majority of parenting to your DH. Make your bedroom a total skid free zone . Put a lock on your door that you can lock from the inside . De- clutter and buy yourself the most beautiful satin sheets . Retreat , lock the door and ignore the drama until over Smile headphones with soothing music works for me !!

Rags's picture

As for coping? Quit tolerating and facilitating her crap. By not seasoning the Skids with the facts of their mother's behaviors and actions you and their dad are failing to protect them from their mothers toxic manipulations and failign to prepare them to deal with her crap as young adults and ultimately as adults.

We had the no badmouthing, no sharing adult issues, etc... with SS regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. The Sperm Clan had a collective manipulative toxic full court press on punishing my wife for moving on and putting their toxic crap on the SKid's shoulders. "Its not fair that you have nice things and we/your younger siblings don't." etc... SS is an only child in our two graduate degreed professional career home/family and is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spermidiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas in the Sperm Clan. Until we began to share the facts regarding the Sperm Idiot's behaviors, Sperm GrandHag's crap, etc, etc, etc... our son had no idea why his father and that part of his family "hated" him. He used that word. We never badmouthed them but we absolutley made our son aware of the facts of the Custody/Visitation/Support case, Sperm Idiots serial statutory rapist behaviors, Sperm GrandHag's crap, etc... in an age appropriate manner. With the exception of a couple of slips while SS was a toddler we did not bad mouth them. We stuck to the facts.

As SS grew up he began to research their crap on his own initiative. By the time he was in his mid to late teens if they floated some crap that did not sit well with him or pass the smell test he would frequently return home from a Sperm Land visitation and dig into our Custody/Visitation/Supaport file cabinette in our home office. Often the would approach us to discuss their latest crap and ask our opinion on why they would lie to him, or say the things that they had said.

My son is now 23, I am his dad just as I have been since not long after his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. A few months before his 23rd bday he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. He now has our family name and he took the adoption all they way to having a new birth certificate issued clearly showing me as his father. He still has limited interface with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool but it is on his terms. He is fully capable of dealing with their crap on his own but knows that if he needs us that his mom and I and his extended family on our two thirds of his family is there for him.

So, I suggest that rather than lie to the kids by omission it is time to start introducing them to the facts in an age appropriate manner and continue to give them more of the picture and the facts as they grow up. Use those same facts to bare BM's toxic ass in court, publically, and professionally every time she so much as twitches to the toxic side. Own her ass and protect the kids. Teach them to be a able to protect themselves from the toxic half of their gene pool.

It worked for us and for my son.

LikeMinded's picture

Hello,

Your post could have been written by me, word for word, 5 years ago. I'd have to add that the BM kept kidnapping the kids, which was extremely stressful. Also, I have been woken up by the police knocking at our door at 6 a.m. looking for the SKIDS when exchange time was not until 9:30 a.m. We've also had the false allegations.

Personally, the BM has stalked me, and almost ran me off the road once. I was pregnant.

Anyways, it has gotten better, here's my advice:

1. You need to look up the no contact rule. You yourself should have no contact with this woman at all. Block her from the phones. Don't let her into the house. Call the police if she comes uninvited. Dont attend kids sports or school events if she's there.

2. Get your SO to agree to do ALL conversations with her in mediation, period. I know it seems costly, but in the long run, she won't want to spend the money, so she will be forced to back off. It's an upfront investment, with long term benefits. He needs to block her from his cell phone and let her email him. He needs to only respond to emails that are absolutely necessary, such as pick up or drop off times, or medical issues, period. Everything else needs to go to mediation, otherwise false accusations will continue... and eventually he could be arrested.

3. If the kids are old enough have them email your SO with matters about school, sports, and whatnot. but don't let this become a way for BM to manipulate what you guys do on your time with the kids.

4. I agree with Rags, In most cases, parents should not comment on what BM is doing. This is not the case when parental alianation is happening. I suggest getting books and videos about parental alianation and feel free to bring up this problem up in court. Your SO does have the right to set the story straight if it's a case of parental alienation. Your silence could confuse the kids long term and they will end up in counseling later on, trying to unravel what really happened.

5. Your BM has done so many of the same things that our BM has done, I think you're right about narcissist personality disorder. When she was in the habit of abducting the kids, we tried all the legal routes to get it to stop, to no avail. The courts were useless. Finally, one time, we were so worried, we took the problem to Facebook, asking our neighbors for help finding the kids and letting us know if they saw them at the pool or library so that we could know that they were ok. She was so upset about the world seeing past her phony persona, that she never did it again. I'm not sure this kind of thing wouold work with your narcissist, but do know that they hate the world to see who they are behind their mask She only really stopped bugging me when I started showing up to exchanges with a video camera. Actually, my BD held the camera and we saidi t was her hobby, lol! It worked. We then moved the exchanges to a gas station where there was a surveillance camera and I pointed out the camera to her. No more drama at the drop offs, no more locking the kids in the car for there own "protection", no more making us wait for an hour, because it is now documented by the video camera and we've even started a friendship with the gas station owner who has agreed to help if needed.

6. We eventually got a peaceful contact order from the judge in order to stop the harassment. Start documenting all dates and times of stalking, harassment, showing up unannounced, too many phone calls, etc. A written log of times and dates can be used in court if you guys ever need to do something similar. It will also make you feel like you are doing something constructive when you document the crazy. I've kept the log and I plan to share it with the SKIDS when they are adults and ask me what's wrong with their mom.

I've found that being the record keeper makes me feel like I have a tiny bit of power in a situation that has caused me so much stress and in which I have had no power whatsoever.

LikeMinded's picture

This is exctly why we have looked into parental alienation and we stop the lies in their tracks. We've even enlisted the help of family and neighbors to speak to the children to tell them the score.

It's worked for us.

In our case BM accused DH of abuse and we just could not stand on the sidelines letting the children believe that. My children also l ive with us, and I certainly couldn't have my children or my ex husband thinking that DH was an abuser of any kind.

We nipped that balogna in the butt, the keeping quiet is NOT the way to go when parental alienation is happening.

GMLLB's picture

Some really great advice here guys. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

I never really considered that, Rags and beaccountable. I just keep hearing Dr. Phil in my head saying "do not burden children with adult issues". But you are absolutely right, that is not manageable in a situation where the other person is so very toxic and unpredictable. I will say I've grown a bit more of a backbone even since this all started, but I have a long way to go yet.

LikeMinded, I love your idea about keeping a log book and your comment that it makes you feel like you have a bit of power. It often feels like things are spiraling completely out of control and the feeling of power/control here or there certainly makes me hold my head up a little higher.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Please, do not rely on Dr. Phil in any way for advice on step parent issues. He does not have a clue and will do more damage than good.

Indigo's picture

I like Dr Phil's perspective that goes something like: "The best predictor of future behavior is recent, relevant past behavior." "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Yes, I'll agree with you there. I don't watch him with any regularity now - I used to when he was first on the air.

When he was first on he seemed to have mostly regular people with regular problems. I could sometimes even relate. But in the last few years he goes for the outrageous factor and I don't think anyone can relate to his guests.

My impression is he usually does not have a real good understanding of how difficult it can be for step parents.

GMLLB's picture

I just read this quote and oh man...this just sums it up right here.

"A narcissist's weapon of choice is often verbal - slander, lies, playing the victim in flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of another person's relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is why narcissists are so often called "emotional vampires'". ~ Gail Meyers

LikeMinded's picture

Yes that really does. Unfortunately I've had two of those in my life and I'm an expert Sad

RayRay's picture

I am sorry for your journey as a SM. I can relate. Have a BM that pulls a lot of stunts also. We have custody of the kids but the few hours a month she is able (or wants to see them) she manipulates them terribly. It is a shame to see what a "mother" will do to her children out of pure jealousy and hate. Keep your head up and remember always that the children come first. Also, that no matter how hard you try to do right by them they will most likely resent you for it.

GMLLB's picture

Yesterday was a really bad day. She accused me of a litany of awful things, none of which have even a shred of accuracy. What sent me over the edge is that she threatened to have my dog put down because my dog is apparently continually biting the kids (my dog LOVES those kids and has never touched them except to cuddle and lick their faces!). I have no children of my own and my dog means the world to me. Her threats, lies and accusations continue to escalate. I worry for what else she may be capable of. Sigh... Sad

RayRay's picture

I am sorry you have to deal with mentally challenged BM as well. I agree I wouldn't wish that or a teenage girl on my worst enemy. Sounds similar to BM I have to deal with. Their lies are just that. They have to have proof of the things they say. With ours we have to say prove it in court and that usually shuts her up. You can't understand low IQ and crazy so you are no equipped to deal with it. I found that out the hard way. Now I just sit back and let her lie. The truth always comes out.

whoistojudge's picture

I had a mother who spoke ill of my father to all of us kids. My father never engaged her, never spoke poorly of her. When I reached 19, it all started to click, what really happened. To this day I respect my father so much for taking the high road. I have a relationship with my Mom but understand her methods of manipulation. I wonder sometimes if she even does it consciously.

I can't say what may happen in your situation, I feel for you.

In the situation we are in the BM blames my SO when the sun doesn't shine bright enough. She cries to him as if it were her mate, and anything that goes wrong in her life is somehow my SO's fault.

I try not to give him to much advice, just try to be there for him and his child. I agree that pulling back and letting the father deal with the BM is best. I also know that when my SO is hurting, it affects me too.

I am glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. Vent to your therapist instead of your husband as much as possible.

As far as a sanctuary, we don't have a huge home but I do have a huge walk in closet. I took everything out of it, put in a soft light and some big pillows on the floor. I have a CD player in there with head phones and books I find inspirational. Just a thought.

Helen_Jane's picture

Hi GMLLB, When I read your post it's exactly what's happened to us and I really know how painful it is. I think one of the hard things is that what you are suffering is quite severe abuse, but society doesn't recognise you as a victim. In fact, you are often seen as contributing to it, if not being the perpetrator yourself.
Our BM hasn't been diagnosed with BPD as far as I know but she has all the symptoms of this and narcissistic personality disorder. We are the same as you both; we never never bad mouth her and always try to be the adults and often it's very tough. My partner had a breakdown at one point and still finds it all very hard to cope with. We both lost a lot of friends as she told everyone he had abused her and had a long fight through the courts when he lost access to the kids. We now get them just under half the time but this has led to a whole other load of problems dealing with her.
After 6 years though, the best solutions we have found are:
1. Get a judge to lay out a contact order and never deviate from it - ever.
2. Write down everything that happens in a diary in case you need it in future and keep all correspondence with her.
3. Take it seriously; take how this is affecting you seriously. It is bullying and harassment and if you minimize it you won't protect yourself properly.
4. Never get into any arguments or discussion with her about anything. Insist on handling everything in mediation or by email (where you will have a record of what's said). The best thing we ever did was to block her from our mobile phones and give her the landline number for emergencies (stating clearly this means one of the kids seriously ill or in hospital). Minimize all contact.
5. If she still can't stop, consider applying to the court for a non-molestation order (UK) or it's equivalent.
6. My partner going to psychotherapy for support helped loads. For me I have regular reiki sessions and I pray a lot. Never let yourself get bitter, never let hate into your heart. And remember one day the kids will be older and things WILL get better. Even if the kids never understand what you went through for them, you will know that you did the right thing.
My heart goes out to you as I really do know how tough it is. Try not to listen when people give you doom and gloom that it won't get better. It didn't get better for them and that's sad, but you have to have faith that goodness and truth will win out in the end.
The dog thing is stupid, she would have to have some proof of that. But it sounds like she is contacting you far too easily. Don't be a punchbag; she can't offload all her pain and anger on you. Block her! And stay strong.

GMLLB's picture

Update

Well, it's been 3 months since this post. I've learned A LOT. I have completely barred any direct communication whatsoever with BM. I have also made it very clear that I do not want to know anything BM is saying to DH. She does try to use the kids to get to me, but SS is old enough to see through her shit, and SD is getting there too - questioning things and trying to reconcile what she's being told about us vs what she sees.

Some days still REALLY suck, but it is much more manageable most days.

WalkOnBy's picture

did you ever get the custody situation changed to reflect that the kids are mostly with you and your DH?

GMLLB's picture

Not yet, so frustrating! But we are FINALLY making progress with a new lawyer. He's currently trying to set up a 4-way meeting. I'm not feeling overly optimistic about that because BM is so unreasonable, but our lawyer said sometimes people (especially narcissists) will want to project themselves as reasonable in front of lawyers and will agree to things they otherwise would not agree to. So here's hoping!